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Bf hasn't planned anything for Valentines.


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We've been together 3 months and have spent pretty much everyday together since we started dating. Tomorrow is Valentines and there has been no mention of it whatsoever. I suspect he's not going to make any effort at all...Hell I doubt we would even go out for dinner. Is it wrong to feel let down by this?

 

I can't help but think to past experiences with more thoughtful guys. It's not about the money spent but the effort made. I just don't think he appreciates me the way I deserve to be appreciated. This is hard because I'm in love with him. I haven't loved anyone in years, but there you go. :l I can't help but feel pretty hurt.

 

With his ex, they apparently went to nice restaurants twice a week and he saved up. I just don't understand why it has to be so different with me. I must have been way too easygoing at the start and it's set a precedent. :/

 

For people thinking I'm all about gifts, I'm def not. I've bought him several pieces of clothing and have pretty much contributed financially 50 percent. My ex treated me like a princess and it's never been so obvious until now. I feel sad.

Edited by Honeycomb8
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Hey there,:D

Listen, I can understand what you are saying. My ex bf never made any effort either and especially on V day. But this is too little info you are giving out to actually be able to give good advice. Is he always minimal to zero effort (you can also us a scale 1-10 from minimal to full effort)? If so then yeah, I would be upset too and actually considering leaving him asap. Needs being unmet are worst than being single believe me. But if it`s just about tomorrow then I wouldn`t be too worried. Of course I would communicate to him my disatisfaction but hell, the guy may be just not into that kind of stuff.

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1. read about love languages, if that phrase is new to you.

2. stop comparing with when he was with someone else. its unnecessary.

3. All the information you need is within you. You allowed yourself to attach to this man, despite the fact that you feel devalued by him and somewhat invisible to him.

4.You have no faith in his awareness, desire,and ability to meet your needs.

5. You are not the match you think you are.

 

Either he is disinterested, or you don't see and/or don't value the way he expresses affection.

 

In other words: you do not have faith in nor do you appreciate your bf. Appreciate what he does do, or accept that you misjudged his appropriateness for you and end it.

 

i am sorry this is painful.

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Ok, don't over-invest in something this much after 12 weeks. Or spend this much time together. Get him a card and see what happens. If he's talking about the ex this much focus on that and observe. Spend much less time together.

 

This type of over-saturation leads to taking things for granted and burn-out. It sounds like you're both on the rebound reminiscing about how great your exes were. Not a good thing. Observe that very carefully.

We've been together 3 months and have spent pretty much everyday together since we started dating.

I just don't think he appreciates me the way I deserve to be appreciated.

With his ex, they apparently went to nice restaurants twice a week and he saved up. I've bought him several pieces of clothing and have pretty much contributed financially 50 percent.

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Perhaps he simply doesn't believe in it. I don't. I think it's a load of nonsense.

 

If he does feel like this and you are completely the opposite then that is incompatibility and you need to decide whether he's worth sticking with or not.

 

If he generally treats you well then I'd accept his viewpoint. If he doesn't and this is another strike against him then I'd call. It a day while it's early.

 

 

Also continually comparing him to others is not right. He's his own person. You simply need to decide whether you think he's a good partner or not and proceed from there.

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I'm sorry but saying that u adore someone after two months is scary and full on.

 

^^^^ your words to another poster who came for help ....maybe you should take your own advice and stop being so nasty to others who come for help . Your relationship is only a month longer yet you are in love and feel you deserve so much .

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Not everybody places much importance on Valentine's Day; I don't, and neither does my partner. His rationale is that if you're going to be romantic then it shouldn't be confined to one 'special' day. That said, we buy each other gifts/plants/flowers on random occasions because either of us has seen something that the other would like.

 

However, if Valentine's Day really matters to you, and doesn't to him - that's an incompatibility.

 

If he's generally neglectful of your feelings, and takes you for granted - that's also a more serious issue within the relationship itself. However, if he's thoughtful and attentive but just isn't particularly interested in Valentine's Day, that's something you need to talk about. If it's something you haven't discussed, then it doesn't make sense to feel let down when he never promised you anything in the first place.

 

You need to find out what his thoughts are on this. Nothing's stopping you from suggesting something yourself!

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You can plan for Valentine’s Day. For instance I suggested to my husband this we go up north to visit his cousins. I really like his cousins and we haven’t seen them in a few months. We had enough loyalty points for a free hotel room. Since we didn’t get to see his cousins around Christmas time we will take them all out for dinner. That is our Valentine’s this year.

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First, you don’t yet know what he is doing. He could have a big surprise got you and you don’t even know. However, I’m concerned that you’re spending every day together and you’ve bought “several pieces of clothing” for him, yet you’ve only known each other three months. Maybe you’ve set a precedent that you are buying him gifts. You shouldn’t buy guys so many gifts so early on. You should be letting him come to you, give to you, but you dinner. not buying for him, giving to him, etc. Why are you buying him gifts anyway, was there a special occasion?

 

Also you mentioned that you contribute 50% to the relationship—if you’re not going out to dinners, what are you doing? Does HE buy YOU gifts?

Edited by DaisyMayPorter
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You shouldn’t buy guys so many gifts so early on. You should be letting him come to you, give to you, but you dinner. not buying for him, giving to him, etc. Why are you buying him gifts anyway, was there a special occasion?

 

Also you mentioned that you contribute 50% to the relationship—if you’re not going out to dinners, what are you doing? Does HE buy YOU gifts?

 

 

I'm hoping i've misread your post but that sounds incredibly sexist and outdated. Why SHOULD he be buying her everything? A relationship is 2 people working together and sharing everything. A womans time isn't more precious than a mans or vice versa.

 

I may have read it wrong but that just sounds like entitlement to me.

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Well the thing is it's not Valentine's Day yet and I think you're actually over reacting. Some people like to surprise their partner, or don't necessarily want to do anything, but still give some flowers or chocolates or something. It makes sense that he wouldn't have given you a gift yet because you give your partner a gift ON Valentine's Day, not the day before. I also think when you've only been with someone for three months that it's still early days and you don't necessarily have to do something big for Valentine's. But I think that a woman also has to get a guy something and can plan something herself too. I mean, you got him nothing so far, right? So he could think the same thing about you...?

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If you are together everyday, why wouldn't you just ask?

 

3 mos of almost everyday, I would think you'd be able to talk about something kinda trivial. Its your first Valentine's day together. What's the expectations on both sides? Actually, how has it not come up?

 

I dated a guy, he announced one day, he didn't buy xmas gifts. And I just told him flat out, that's ridiculous. if its xmas, you're not gonna buy me a gift? The odd thing was he did give me a couple gifts and paid for dates etc while we were dating. So whatever...

 

I kinda let that situation fizzle out. It was obvious to me that xmas would not be fun with this guy... I like exchanging gifts on Xmas. (so psycho of me, i know. lol)

 

If VD is a let down, then you know, this isn't the guy for you... Do something nice for yourself and be happy anyway... A guy's effort is a reflection of him, not you....

 

Sad to tell you, that guy that treated you like a princess, yeah him. He treats all his gfs like princesses because that's him. This current guy, if he lacks effort with you, he lacks effort with all his gfs.

 

Sometimes we take responsibility for how someone else acts... but that's not quite right. You are responsible for how you allow yourself to be treated... if someone doesn't treat you the way you want, you leave. You don't try to manipulate them or try to change them, that will just make you crazy.

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I'm hoping i've misread your post but that sounds incredibly sexist and outdated. Why SHOULD he be buying her everything? A relationship is 2 people working together and sharing everything. A womans time isn't more precious than a mans or vice versa.

 

I may have read it wrong but that just sounds like entitlement to me.

 

It's not entitlement, and it's not sexist or outdated at all. Yes, I believe that a woman should not be buying a guy several gifts at the beginning of a relationship. If you give give give to a guy at the beginning and are not getting anything in return, then the guy will get used to receiving gifts from her, and perhaps not give anything in return. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

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It's not entitlement, and it's not sexist or outdated at all. Yes, I believe that a woman should not be buying a guy several gifts at the beginning of a relationship. If you give give give to a guy at the beginning and are not getting anything in return, then the guy will get used to receiving gifts from her, and perhaps not give anything in return. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

 

Yes but exactly the same goes if a guy is always buying a woman gifts and it's not reciprocated! Unfortunately sometimes people are still too stuck in gender roles. I just find it interesting that OP didn't get her boyfriend a gift or anything but she's upset HE hasn't planned anything (that we know of). Isn't that double standard?

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I have a number of thoughts on this. I always saw V-day as a day when couples bought each other small or large gifts - (confession -we really haven't celebrated much in years -not for any bad reason -for practical reasons but we did for several years). I often made my from scratch chocolate chip cookies and probably wrapped them in red paper, definitely a card and often something like a sweater maybe a book, like that. Something personal and romantic. Typically my SO planned dinner - I remember some that we cooked at home, some we went out (I preferred at home or a restaurant that wasn't all V-day because I hate the trumped up prices).

 

Best v-day - I was in my 9th month of pregnancy and my husband took me to a show I'd been wanting to see. It was hard to stand during intermission cause I was waddling/so big. But I loved it. I gave birth a few weeks later. He planned that. And yes I'm glad he did -I was huge and exhausted and not yet on maternity leave. I deserved it that year. But I am positive I got him something/did something/got him a card. Yes, if you are a fan of V-day and you've spent this kind of time together ask him what he'd like to do to celebrate. Come up with some ideas.

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The wife and I go to the butcher shop and buy a couple nice steaks for me to cook up. We'll buy some candy on clearance the following weekend. That's about the extent of it. Frankly, I don't blame couples who don't even put that amount of effort into it. Valentine's Day is pretty much as Hallmark of a holiday as it gets, which isn't to say I think anyone's particularly silly for enjoying it, but that I do think it's goofy to expect someone to care enough to celebrate it, much less hold it against them if they don't (assuming this guy indeed isn't going to). There's no event or milestone. There are literally 364 other days of the year you could celebrate what V-Day is meant to encapsulate without having lost anything.

 

So I'd say if you do particularly care particularly about it, that's again fair enough. I'd just be the one to plan the occasion.

 

As for the rest, it's really up to you to gauge. If you're looking at what you've got with him and can't notice any effort of his you can find appreciable, then I'd just cut the cord. But while your previous boyfriend treated you like a "princess" and apparently you've gained some kind of knowledge that this guy treated his girlfriends a bit more, the common denominator here is that they're all exes. People adapt their efforts and their attitudes, and it's generally unfair to compare.

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I will add this. Two times men I'd only recently started dating sent me a dozen gorgeous roses for V-day. Both times -once in my teens, once in my 20s, I lived with my parents. I mean I gushed, I was so excited so over the moon -and honestly -I think my reaction overwhelmed the guys -yes they loved how I appreciated what they did but you know I was over the top about it. So there's that too. (I dated one guy for over a year, one for 6 months).

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It's not entitlement, and it's not sexist or outdated at all. Yes, I believe that a woman should not be buying a guy several gifts at the beginning of a relationship. If you give give give to a guy at the beginning and are not getting anything in return, then the guy will get used to receiving gifts from her, and perhaps not give anything in return. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

I don’t believe a woman is owed expensive gifts in the beginning either.

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