Bf hasn't planned anything for Valentines.

[Cherylyn]

I have been wined and dined on endless V-days, flowers up to my ears, chocolates, gifts, and these were with all my exes. This year for my hubs, I'm making him a card, and I think he's getting me a latte from Starbucks , and I am very happy.

 

But at 3 months, I don't care who you are, he should be still wining and dining you!!!!!!! Whether today, tomorrow, or at least Saturday. With a card and a small gift.

 

But you must ask him directly what you both are doing tomorrow for V-day, and how EXCITED you are for your first V-day together. He cannot read your mind. So make sure it's obvious.

 

PS Way to early for nice gifts even with exchanging. Keep it simple for at least six months. Gift card to movies. Beef Jerky. Maybe one T-shirt of a cool book, and call it a day.

 

Yes, spot on!

[Batya33]

I bought it cos I wanted to, it wasn't for his approval. Cos I thought he'd look good in those things so I went ahead and got it. It doesn't need to be that complicated lol. I'm not like this with every guy I date, just a couple.

 

I was referring to loved ones in general-I like spoiling family and naturally how I show I care is through actions and gifts. I'm learning to become abit more verbally expressive too.

 

Yes- but he is not your loved one and he is not your family. I do think you need to look deeper at your ulterior motives because your reaction to this situation is very telling and tells me that you're not ok with expressing your "love language" with someone who doesn't give you gifts.

It's just too wifey to buy a new guy clothes or whatever "because he'd look good in that' -it's fine to show him a picture and say -you'd look so good in this -IF he is the type who likes to chat about clothes or accessories.

[Tinydance]

Actually I just remembered something...I'm single now but previously I was in a 2.5 year relationship and I was engaged. I don't remember exactly but I think my ex-fiance probably said he was up for doing something for Valentine's, but he didn't actually suggest anything specific. So I actually planned both Valentine's we had and I went all out. I am a very romantic person though and I also love planning events.

 

For one I planned a Valentine's night at an amusement park, where you got unlimited rides, two carnival games, heart chocolates, fairy floss and a photo. My ex said he really enjoyed it and thanked me for organising a good night!

 

The second one I organised a Valentine's boat cruise. It went for three hours and they had musicians playing, got heart chocolates and a three course meal. Again my ex said he loved it and thanked me for organising. I think he himself actually wasn't good at thinking of events and organising events and I think he was grateful I arranged it.

 

Also I would always give my ex a nice card with a heartfelt message. But he never gave me or anyone else a card. He said he didn't know what to write in them lol Also for Valentine's he gave me gifts but I think he didn't realise that I'm very romantic because he didn't give me teddies, chocolates or flowers. I'm pretty sure he said he believed they were over priced for Valentine's. For one Valentine's he gave me some earrings that a colleague at his work hand made and they were my favourite colour. So it was still nice and thoughtful.

 

I must say though that I think your approach to relationships is wrong. It is about love languages and unfortunately not everyone speaks the same love languages. I'm very generous and I also love shopping, so I always give my friends and loved one gifts. Some of my friends don't actually give me a gift back. They said that at this age mid 30's) they don't do gifts. When I but someone something or give gifts, I don't think of it as a for tat thing.

 

Also some people are just not that romantic or do big gestures. One of my friends who has a partner once totally forgot it was actually Valentine's Day! I don't think the partner was that offended because they didn't particularly want to do anything for it.

 

I think you were acting kind of over the top....You said "it's midnight and he didn't plan anything". So you mean you stayed up until midnight just waiting to see if he was gonna do anything or what? Like you were trying to catch him out? And you got him nothing because you thought he was gonna give you nothing. Did you 100% know that? You didn't even want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

[Batya33]

I agree that you don't give a gift expecting one back. However, I think relationships are about reciprocity so in general it should feel balanced - not matched equally like gift for gift but just that comfortable sense of being there for each other.

[SherrySher]

I agree that you don't give a gift expecting one back. However, I think relationships are about reciprocity so in general it should feel balanced - not matched equally like gift for gift but just that comfortable sense of being there for each other.

 

Yes, definitely. But when it becomes more like watching every move they make around the holidays and watching if they do as you would or buy what you expect or if they don't and then becoming really upset....then any relationship becomes miserable and a chore.

Who wants to live like that?

 

You and he are different when it comes to planning and gift giving...accept that. If you can't, or don't want to, then end it. Life is too short.

[Cherylyn]

I bought it cos I wanted to, it wasn't for his approval. Cos I thought he'd look good in those things so I went ahead and got it. It doesn't need to be that complicated lol. I'm not like this with every guy I date, just a couple.

 

I was referring to loved ones in general-I like spoiling family and naturally how I show I care is through actions and gifts. I'm learning to become abit more verbally expressive too.

 

I hear where you're coming from, Honeycomb8 because I'm thinking back to when I dated my husband during those wonderful months! We were head over heels in love and walked on cloud 9. Even though we're no longer infatuated at that same level, we are still smitten, our genuine, sincere respect and love had endured all these years.

 

Despite the sugary, syrupy sweet image of VD being about a gushy, Hallmark commercial, the symbolism of love for Feb. 14th is traditional among millions of couples. If they prefer to make it special, it's a lovely thing to do.

 

Flowers, chocolates, special gifts and the effort put forth behind these gestures is very thoughtful, kind and endearing indeed especially for those who are young, dating, exclusive or engaged. It's heartfelt no matter what age.

 

I remember giving my boyfriend (fiance / husband) gifts which I knew he would enjoy and appreciate. One of them was a belt with his monogram on it, topaz tie pin which he wore for years and now for formal occasions only, casual-dressy shirts, sport coat / blazer, gift card to a high end barber for full service (haircut, shave, the works), gift basket filled with his favorite snacks, to name a few. He loved it! These gifts expressed that I cared more than just words and walks. I spent my hard money, carefully chose well thought out gifts just for him, lovingly gift wrapped everything and we ate at our favorite restaurants. We created precious memories during our dating and courtship era. It was a very innocent time. I feel nostalgic as I type.

 

If you wish to celebrate VD traditionally with a mutual understanding about caring for one another even if it seems sappy and sentimental to others, don't care what others think. Do what both of you will enjoy. Communicate to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel. To each his or her own. It is perfectly normal to express your love and his love to you by going the extra mile and putting his money where his mouth is. You've been very generous and thoughtful. It's very loving to feel reciprocated as opposed to doing all the giving and the other person doing all the taking. No one wants to feel taken for granted.

 

Some couples don't celebrate VD, anniversaries, birthdays and holidays whereas other couples deliberately want to celebrate this 'love day' with enthusiasm and mutual efforts. By all means, let each other know that there's a desire not to ignore VD, make it special and know you both thought of each other. It's very romantic!

[ninjabib]

Sounds like you talk different 'love languages'. Try and buy the 5 love languages on kindle it's cheap.

 

It's a good book about how people show and feel love and appreciation in 5 different ways.

 

I go back to my original advice that is putting gifts aside does he treat you well?

 

If no dump him for being a crap boyfriend.

 

If yes ask yourself if you can live with him speaking a different love language to you.

 

If so keep him and work on working things out. If not then end things as you are incompatible.

[reinventmyself]

Sounds like you talk different 'love languages'. Try and buy the 5 love languages on kindle it's cheap.

 

It's a good book about how people show and feel love and appreciation in 5 different ways.

 

I go back to my original advice that is putting gifts aside does he treat you well?

 

If no dump him for being a crap boyfriend.

 

If yes ask yourself if you can live with him speaking a different love language to you.

 

If so keep him and work on working things out. If not then end things as you are incompatible.

 

I think part of the point of distinguishing anyone's love language is to learn how to operate within them - from both sides.

 

Yours may be gift giving and as you've attested to, you've been giving gifts. But wouldn't it make sense to suss out what his love language is and in order to be successful try to meet that need instead of your own in a backwards sorta way.

 

His is apparently *not* gift giving. So buying him gifts can very well be making him uncomfortable. Can you see that by buying him gifts and having the expectation of receiving them might be a little backwards? And now you find yourself disappointed.

 

Just something to think about. What would his love language be and how would you go about talking to that? And is he at all interested in what makes you happy?

 

But you don't go about getting that need met by showering him with gifts.

[ninjabib]

As OP has said they have spent virtually every day of their 3 months together he may speak the language of 'quality time' but its hard to say as we know little of him apart from the fact that he's not bothered about valentines day.

 

As someone who doesn't appreciate the love language of gift giving personally I can confirm that if a partner has ever got me a gift its made me feel very uncomfortable and I've had to learn to not tell them to take it back and get their money back. I was flattered by the gift but it made me feel uneasy and took time to realise my rejection of the gift made them feel bad in turn.

[Keyman]

So, you got the impression nothing was going to happen, decided not to buy him anything - or at least a card or note, which you claim is so important, then you kick up such a fuss about him not being thoughtful enough to do something for you. That's entitled behaviour.

 

To buy him stuff and expect him to do things in return because of that is transactional, and entitled also.

 

I do not think you understand love, as this entire thread is a reaction to a perceived slight against you need to feel special to him, which is a result of an infatuation at the beginning of the relationship. The intensity of this relationship would also suggest that too, and is not something that you feel with every partner. Love is being able to work through things together, not getting your back up because you didn't get what you want in the way you want it.

 

Now that the intensity of this relationship is slowing down, the red flags are beginning to appear on both sides, and the 'love' is beginning to crumble. I feel it will take some effort to keep this relationship afloat.

[Wiseman2]

What would you text? Did you see each other in person or will you see each other soon? Agree that the gift giving needs to stop. While it may be your love language it can make others uncomfortable. Try not to fast forward things this much.

I think I'm going to text him. We left things on a very tense note this morning and I think he was very upset as well. I don't want things to end because of this.

[Honeycomb8]

You're totally wrong and don't understand what's going on at all.

 

Stop projecting. 🙄

So, you got the impression nothing was going to happen, decided not to buy him anything - or at least a card or note, which you claim is so important, then you kick up such a fuss about him not being thoughtful enough to do something for you. That's entitled behaviour.

 

To buy him stuff and expect him to do things in return because of that is transactional, and entitled also.

 

I do not think you understand love, as this entire thread is a reaction to a perceived slight against you need to feel special to him, which is a result of an infatuation at the beginning of the relationship. The intensity of this relationship would also suggest that too, and is not something that you feel with every partner. Love is being able to work through things together, not getting your back up because you didn't get what you want in the way you want it.

 

Now that the intensity of this relationship is slowing down, the red flags are beginning to appear on both sides, and the 'love' is beginning to crumble. I feel it will take some effort to keep this relationship afloat.

[Honeycomb8]

Everything worked out in the end. He ended up messaging me and calling me and insisting on seeing me. He got me a really thoughtful gift, which was practical and something I needed! Also wrote me a sweet message on a card ☺️. We played mini golf and had loads of fun, then had this romantic dinner at one of my fav Italian restaurants and he then took me play pool haha. I was awful at it so he gave me some pointers.

 

It all made me so happy. I would have been happy with just the mini golf but he ended up putting in effort and we both felt really connected. He kept on telling me he loved me and said us having issues was no problem because we just need to talk it through and work pass it.

 

Thanks for giving me advice guys. I guess it was good we talked about things. Me ignoring him would have been a big mistake and I don't want that.

[Seraphim]

So now you both know what to do next time great. Communication and both people compromising and giving compassion will lead to a test of time.

[ninjabib]

That's a loss of fuss over nothing in the end. Communication is key as Seraphim said above.

[Keyman]

I still feel there is a deeper issue, but at least you got what you wanted in the end. It only took getting twisted out of shape, sulking, and the threat of ignoring him and he jumped in to rescue. Did you end up getting him a card in the end?

[Batya33]

Everything worked out in the end. He ended up messaging me and calling me and insisting on seeing me. He got me a really thoughtful gift, which was practical and something I needed! Also wrote me a sweet message on a card ☺️. We played mini golf and had loads of fun, then had this romantic dinner at one of my fav Italian restaurants and he then took me play pool haha. I was awful at it so he gave me some pointers.

 

It all made me so happy. I would have been happy with just the mini golf but he ended up putting in effort and we both felt really connected. He kept on telling me he loved me and said us having issues was no problem because we just need to talk it through and work pass it.

 

Thanks for giving me advice guys. I guess it was good we talked about things. Me ignoring him would have been a big mistake and I don't want that.

 

I'm glad you were happy with what he planned.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Have you reflected on why there was so much angst about him or this day?

Everything worked out in the end. He ended up messaging me and calling me and insisting on seeing me. He got me a really thoughtful gift, which was practical and something I needed

[ninjabib]

I still feel there is a deeper issue, but at least you got what you wanted in the end. It only took getting twisted out of shape, sulking, and the threat of ignoring him and he jumped in to rescue. Did you end up getting him a card in the end?

 

Yes, this sets a bad precedent going forward IMO. My gut feeling is he's done this to appease the OP rather than out of his own freewill.

[Honeycomb8]

He thought about things and realised he was wrong. I didn't have to do anything.

 

There wasn't a lot of 'angst.' Nor do I think I overrreacted- I think anyone would feel disappointed if their s/os didn't even try.

[Honeycomb8]

Just cos I made a thread doesn't mean I was bent out of shape irl. There wasn't any sulking involved.

 

And yes, I got him something small too.

I still feel there is a deeper issue, but at least you got what you wanted in the end. It only took getting twisted out of shape, sulking, and the threat of ignoring him and he jumped in to rescue. Did you end up getting him a card in the end?

[Batya33]

He thought about things and realised he was wrong. I didn't have to do anything.

 

There wasn't a lot of 'angst.' Nor do I think I overrreacted- I think anyone would feel disappointed if their s/os didn't even try.

 

Yes, he came up with the idea after you pointed it out to him. I would not feel disappointed unless I knew he cared about V-day and chose not to care about it with me.

 

Really confused -you say your love language is gift giving and you toss out that you "got him something small?"

[Cherylyn]

Everything worked out in the end. He ended up messaging me and calling me and insisting on seeing me. He got me a really thoughtful gift, which was practical and something I needed! Also wrote me a sweet message on a card ☺️. We played mini golf and had loads of fun, then had this romantic dinner at one of my fav Italian restaurants and he then took me play pool haha. I was awful at it so he gave me some pointers.

 

It all made me so happy. I would have been happy with just the mini golf but he ended up putting in effort and we both felt really connected. He kept on telling me he loved me and said us having issues was no problem because we just need to talk it through and work pass it.

 

Thanks for giving me advice guys. I guess it was good we talked about things. Me ignoring him would have been a big mistake and I don't want that.

 

I'm glad everything worked out in the end. You're both young and let the love grow with gestures and celebrations. It's how my husband and I were long ago. We have a mutual agreement not to fuss over VD and birthdays. However, if other couples wish to exchange gifts, have an enjoyable outing and dine at fine restaurants, I think it's great. It's perfectly wonderful to be sentimental and express love with well thought out gifts, outings and delicious dinners. By all means. Most of all, it makes both of you happy which is all that matters. Disregard naysayers.

 

Efforts are appreciated and there are warm feelings of gratitude.

 

For VD, I bought myself perfume, several pairs of shoes and designer handbags! I'm good on my clothes. I purchase the same for my birthday, Christmas and random times throughout the year. I said 'thank you' to my husband and I work hard, too. He and I are enrolled in a cooking class tomorrow. I will cook a delicious home cooked dinner and we'll feast on warming up leftovers. We will take a walk and have a picnic at a park. Every couple does what their personal preferences are.

 

Never ignore and don't get your wires crossed. Express your feelings, explain and there is no misunderstanding whatsoever. Always be clear and remain on the same page. This way, no one becomes angry, confused nor clueless.

[LootieTootie]

I do think when your relationship is still new, and even within a 2 year mark, you want to see if the other will make an effort for you on V-day. So it's understandable where you're coming from.

 

I've been with my husband for 5 years and I think we stopped caring 2nd year, lol. You just know the person loves you and doesn't have to show it on V-day. I am lucky enough to have a guy who consistently show gestures of love on a regular basis and surprise me with flowers or takes me out on a surprise dinners here and there.

[nutbrownhare]

It's a very personal thing, all this, isn't it? I've always found the very commercial bunches of flowers/chocolates/balloons with hearts on etc etc very embarrassing; I'm also happy NOT to go out on Valentine's Day because you can guarantee that all the nice places will be packed to the rafters and there won't be any parking spaces! (Plus inflated prices).

 

Neither my partner nor I really care about it; however, his birthday is on 13th February, I always give him a hand-drawn card and always have more than one idea, and end up giving two cards - one for his birthday and the other for Valentine's Day. They always refer to in-jokes or other things of current amusement. Because I give him a card, he feels duty-bound to do likewise. This year I got a beautiful card, the original of which was a mixed media print I'd admired in a gallery a while ago. It features a wild boar.

 

Perhaps not everyone's idea of romance, but it works for us!