Bf hasn't planned anything for Valentines.

[SherrySher]

I think you need to actually read my original post. I don't expect to be wined and dined, nor am I someone that is demanding that he gives me while I take. It's definitely NOT the situation.

 

This wasn't specifically directed at you.

[DancingFool]

Please be aware that not everyone lives in the States, so it IS the 14th where I am.

 

OK...well....it's helpful to state that in your post, so that posters know. It doesn't show to us where you live, your time zone, etc.

 

Anyway, that aside, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to talk and clear the air? Are you going to resent this?

 

Why do you keep saying that you already do too much while he doesn't reciprocate. Just 3 months in, it sounds like you are filled with resentment instead of being on cloud 9 as you still should be...... so what's really going on between you? It doesn't seem that you are all that happy with him. Keep in mind that 3 months marks is a very typical time for people to stop and evaluate if they like what they see and want to carry on or if it's not working for them and they need to part ways.

[Honeycomb8]

Sure it's been three months, but I also mentioned I've spent pretty much everyday with him. We've spent a ton of time together and it's not simply a 'we hang 3 times a week' situation.

 

I'm not expecting a lot, just the simple thought. A nice card and something sweet would be enough.

[Honeycomb8]

OK...well....it's helpful to state that in your post, so that posters know. It doesn't show to us where you live, your time zone, etc.

 

Anyway, that aside, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to talk and clear the air? Are you going to resent this?

 

Why do you keep saying that you already do too much while he doesn't reciprocate. Just 3 months in, it sounds like you are filled with resentment instead of being on cloud 9 as you still should be...... so what's really going on between you? It doesn't seem that you are all that happy with him. Keep in mind that 3 months marks is a very typical time for people to stop and evaluate if they like what they see and want to carry on or if it's not working for them and they need to part ways.

 

Today I really thought about things and realised this. I care about him, I mean I haven't loved someone in years and this feels different for me-wanting to do more.

 

I don't know what to do. Both of us have told each other we loved each other very recently and I def know he means it, but I seriously just want to think about things.

 

And in response to another comment- I don't miss my ex, I only liked him and it wasn't particularly meaningful for me at all. This guy means a lot more to me.

[SherrySher]

I'm not expecting a lot, just the simple thought. A nice card and something sweet would be enough.

 

Let's just say for instance that he does nothing. Is that reason enough to leave him? And will you actually be happy with him if your expectations aren't met?

[Seraphim]

Please be aware that not everyone lives in the States, so it IS the 14th where I am.

 

I am not American either.

 

I still think you could have planned something though. If we want to roar that we are equal then we have to initiate as well.

[Wiseman2]

How did you sense that he didn't plan anything?

Please be aware that not everyone lives in the States, so it IS the 14th where I am.

[Honeycomb8]

How did you sense that he didn't plan anything?

He saw I was looking disappointed and kept probing so I asked.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry. Does this change your view of him? Is the a piece of info you can use to determine if this will keep going?

He saw I was looking disappointed and kept probing so I asked.

[Andrina]

have spent pretty much everyday together since we started dating. So have you given up hobbies and time with girlfriends, having an all-immersive experience with this new guy? Big mistake. Even though your hormones in this honeymoon stage are running wild and you can't get enough of him, keep up with the rest of your life. Give each other a chance to miss each other.

 

You say you're in love. At the age of 29, I would think you'd know you're infatuated, and love takes far longer, past the honeymoon stage, to grow.

 

I can't help but think to past experiences with more thoughtful guys. So what happened to these guys? Were they all that great if you're not with them anymore? Does your new guy show thoughtfulness toward you in any way? If not, why are you in love with someone who gives no thought to you. Do you ever give him an opportunity to suggest getting together and planning things, or do you suggest getting together the majority of the time? What do you do, besides have sex, when you're together?

 

I've bought him several pieces of clothing. Why? It's not the average thing I hear people doing for someone they've known for 90 days. Most people don't want to be spending money, other than on activities, on people who they can't have any certainty of being with longterm. Wasted money on an acquaintance who you could easily part ways with at any point in this early stage.

 

IMO, people have their own special ways of showing their partner they care. You should see over time what it is he does to show you this. If nothing, then why would you stay? If there is a particular form of "showing" that is important to you that he seems clueless about, you can always ask for what you need to feel loved. People aren't mind readers, and sorry but there are only a handful of true princesses in the world, because fairytales only exist in stories, and your significant other doesn't always act like the Prince Charming you wish he was. Prodding probably isn't as romantic to you, but actually when you think about, if he cares and tries to please you with what you've asked for (reasonable requests), it's very romantic.

 

For the moment, you've chosen to steam over what should be happening and you're expecting the worst. So what will be your plan if he doesn't make VD special for you? Will you pout? Give him the cold shoulder? Best to think ahead of time if this is the hill you want this relationship to die on, or if you can change your mindset and have a wait-and-see attitude to learn more about him over time, of why he does what he does or doesn't, and not worry about VD this early into the relationship.

 

What might I do instead of pouting that the day is going to be a bust? I'd say: Restaurants are busy on Valentine's day. I'd like to have you over for dinner, and we can have a nice, quiet night to celebrate our good luck in meeting each other.

 

If he's really lacking in such social skills not to bring over a bottle of wine, or a rose, or a fresh baked loaf of bakery bread to contribute to dinner, which people bring over to anybody who is hosting them for dinner, than do you really want to date a child or ungrateful doofus?

 

P.S. It's like pulling teeth to get more info about your situation. Your answers are very brief.

[DancingFool]

Today I really thought about things and realised this. I care about him, I mean I haven't loved someone in years and this feels different for me-wanting to do more.

 

I don't know what to do. Both of us have told each other we loved each other very recently and I def know he means it, but I seriously just want to think about things.

 

And in response to another comment- I don't miss my ex, I only liked him and it wasn't particularly meaningful for me at all. This guy means a lot more to me.

 

Fair enough.

 

You've also mentioned that he has little dating experience. So from that perspective I'd say at least this once give him the benefit of the doubt and actually talk to each other. Communicate about what's important to you and to him, what expectations you have within the relationship, regarding holidays, etc.

 

To be honest, I don't recall ever being in a relationship or dating where we didn't discuss these things, especially if any holiday was approaching. It really helps for two people to actually know what to do for each other without all the hurt emotions and unmet expectations.

 

In that respect I wholly agree with some of the posters urging you to communicate and tell the guy what you want from him. Most men, at least in my experience, not only love it but deeply appreciate it. They know how to make you happy and they value that information. Keep in mind that they are free agents. They can choose to ask for a compromise or they can flat out choose to ignore you. If the latter happens, then you have some decisions to make. But first.....talk......

[Honeycomb8]

I've dated a guy for a year (whom I didn't love) and have dated enough to know when I love someone. I love him and it isn't infatuation.

I do hang with friends, but it has definitely drastically been reduced now that I'm spending time with him.

 

I don't suggest anything. After the first month, it kinda was assumed that we spent lots of time together. We clicked straight away and it didn't feel weird at all. Normally I'm always the one wanting space, but this time it's different. We do a lot of outdoorsy things and the other day discovered the most amazing secluded beach, watched the sunset. It was great.

 

Things didn't work out for various reasons with past people-last guy I lost interest in so ended things.

[Honeycomb8]

Sorry. Does this change your view of him? Is the a piece of info you can use to determine if this will keep going?

 

I really don't know. I don't want to feel this way, I haven't felt this uneasy feeling in a very long time.

[Seraphim]

So then give this a pass and let him learn. I remember a few years ago my husband totally screwed up my 50th Birthday. I mean it was NOTHING I wanted. I was devastated. This is a man who I had spent 29 years with at the time. But in the end it is the day today things that mean more.

[Honeycomb8]

People can't read my mind so yes indeed, I speak up and if there's one thing I despise in a man, it's a cheapskate!

 

I will admit for my first Christmas, my boyfriend (now husband) was absolutely clueless and gave me an angora, schoolmarm "spinster" gray sweater. It was high quality to be sure. However, it was simply not my taste for a then 21 year old young lady. Sure, it's the thought that counts even though I rarely wore it! It ended up in the charity donation bag.

 

For my birthday, he gave me costume jewelry necklace, it was ok, I wore it and it broke.

 

We both talked about marriage after dating 3 months, engaged less than a year later and married within the following year. I hinted at exactly what style / size diamond ring I wanted, ring size and I got it. I showed him photos from bridal magazines and we looked at jewelry stores, too. I loved it. I certainly didn't want to be stuck with something that wasn't my taste. I gave him a beautiful man's wedding band, too.

 

For our first VD, my fiance at the time (now husband), gave me a houseplant in a glass terrarium which played music if you wound it up and a card. While the gift was a coffee table gift, again, not my cup of tea.

 

During our early years of marriage, he gave me grocery store flowers at random once or twice a month and while it looked nice gracing our dinner table, again, flowers just die and not all women love flowers! If I had my druthers between flowers, plants and something that won't die, I prefer the latter such as a designer handbag, clothes, shoes, jewelry, other accessories, cosmetics and my own personal taste items.

 

For a subsequent birthday, when I was a newlywed, he gave me a pretty opal necklace which I really liked and wore often. I bought myself a very elegant ladies wristwatch that year and hinted that I have more high end tastes.

 

I'm not about remaining silent, "not hurting his feelings" or "it's the thought that counts" and appreciating what I really didn't like nor wanted which is dishonest and deceitful IMHO. I always speak up and a lot of men appreciate it so they're not left stumped about what their girlfriend, fiancee or wife wants. There is no misunderstanding whatsoever.

 

Yes, my husband and I ask each other what we want. We don't want trinkets, impractical gifts, clutter, cheap junk and the like. We want high quality timeless gifts which we'll use for many years to come.

 

When we were dating, we had a few preferred restaurants in particular and to this day, we enjoy certain tried 'n true favorite restaurants.

 

During other times, we take residential neighborhood walks, sometimes picnics at the park, watch movies at home and savor delicious home cooked meals. We mix it up and have the best of both worlds.

 

Your husbund is really sweet Cherylyn!

[reinventmyself]

Sure it's been three months, but I also mentioned I've spent pretty much everyday with him. We've spent a ton of time together and it's not simply a 'we hang 3 times a week' situation.

 

I'm not expecting a lot, just the simple thought. A nice card and something sweet would be enough.

 

I agree. An acknowledgment of some sort would have been nice.

To choose to not do anything would be disappointing to me too.

Just curious. Did you do choose to do anything for him to acknowledge the day?

 

came back to add. . .just saw pippy's post. She chose not to either . .Not sure what to say now

[pippy longstocking]

I didn't get him anything because I already think I've been too giving. I can't always be the one giving him gifts.

 

10 pages of this and you didn't actually get him anything to start with ... I am stumped as to what to say next .

[Honeycomb8]

10 pages of this and you didn't actually get him anything to start with ... I am stumped as to what to say next .

 

I've already gotten him 4 gifts through our relationship, I don't want to form a pattern of just me giving him receiving-that's how you get taken for granted.

 

Obviously. If he talked about it and I saw he put thought in, I would have reciprocated. I don't want to have to explain this over and over again.

One of my love languages is gift giving-I am very generous towards my loved ones and that's been an issue in the past with another guy too. I learnt from it that when you pull back, that's when guys actually make effort. I guess this time round I just wanted him to be happy and giving him stuff made me happy.

But there's a limit to that.

[SherrySher]

Yeah..what I was saying about equality and all.

 

Get him something, maybe it might turn the light bulb on as to what he should be doing.

[SherrySher]

Pippys stumped as to what to say...wow, now this IS a problem, lol.

[pippy longstocking]

Pippys stumped as to what to say...wow, now this IS a problem, lol.

 

I have recovered lol

 

I've already gotten him 4 gifts through our relationship, I don't want to form a pattern of just me giving him receiving-that's how you get taken for granted.

 

And that's lovely , you sound like a very loving and thoughtful girlfriend but in a way I feel like you are setting yourself up to fall ....you have to only give if it is without expectations , which is easier said then done ...because lets face it , none of us could surely spend a lifetime giving and not ever getting a little treat back .

 

maybe you need to slow down your gift giving .....people show their love in different ways ......my uncle george used to get my aunt a big , padded , loving christmas/birthday card every year .....never wrote a damn word in any of them for 50 years ...hahaha .....in his mind the verse of the card and the gesture was enough without him getting his pen out .

 

So you need to feel this one out , wait and see what his language of love is , I feel like you have built this up and got all this sh1t running around in your head when in reality it is just one day and he may have been unsure what to do ...just give this time and don't test him ....I am sure you haven't intentionally but you have let this go too deep and mean too much .

[Batya33]

I've already gotten him 4 gifts through our relationship, I don't want to form a pattern of just me giving him receiving-that's how you get taken for granted.

 

Obviously. If he talked about it and I saw he put thought in, I would have reciprocated. I don't want to have to explain this over and over again.

One of my love languages is gift giving-I am very generous towards my loved ones and that's been an issue in the past with another guy too. I learnt from it that when you pull back, that's when guys actually make effort. I guess this time round I just wanted him to be happy and giving him stuff made me happy.

But there's a limit to that.

 

You know what I kinda don't buy it, pun intended. I think you're dressing this up as a trendy love language but basically I think you buy this many gifts this early on because you want the guy's approval and you don't think you're enough. It's not generous to give all those gifts in that context - I mean it can be -but I would find it overwhelming and a potential red flag of insecurity. If you want a person to be happy just hang out with the person, be a good listener, find things to laugh about. Today I made my husband happy (well, laugh) by texting him about the latest Pinnochio Geico ad because we love the first one. Brightened his day. That's all it's about. Just be you, be there. You are enough. That's generous -your time, your attention, a hug. Gift giving -it's fun sure and can make both people happy but I question your motives. Especially because you're ruminating over whether he's going to reciprocate because you've convinced yourself that your love language is gift giving - when I was dating I don't even think people were chatting about "love languages" or worrying about whether they had the same one. I think it creates unnecessary issues.

 

Also is he really a loved one yet? And why are you spending every day together?

[Honeycomb8]

I bought it cos I wanted to, it wasn't for his approval. Cos I thought he'd look good in those things so I went ahead and got it. It doesn't need to be that complicated lol. I'm not like this with every guy I date, just a couple.

 

I was referring to loved ones in general-I like spoiling family and naturally how I show I care is through actions and gifts. I'm learning to become abit more verbally expressive too.

[Honeycomb8]

I have recovered lol

 

 

 

And that's lovely , you sound like a very loving and thoughtful girlfriend but in a way I feel like you are setting yourself up to fall ....you have to only give if it is without expectations , which is easier said then done ...because lets face it , none of us could surely spend a lifetime giving and not ever getting a little treat back .

 

maybe you need to slow down your gift giving .....people show their love in different ways ......my uncle george used to get my aunt a big , padded , loving christmas/birthday card every year .....never wrote a damn word in any of them for 50 years ...hahaha .....in his mind the verse of the card and the gesture was enough without him getting his pen out .

 

So you need to feel this one out , wait and see what his language of love is , I feel like you have built this up and got all this sh1t running around in your head when in reality it is just one day and he may have been unsure what to do ...just give this time and don't test him ....I am sure you haven't intentionally but you have let this go too deep and mean too much .

 

I think I'm going to text him. We left things on a very tense note this morning and I think he was very upset as well.

I don't want things to end because of this.

[pippy longstocking]

I think I'm going to text him. We left things on a very tense note this morning and I think he was very upset as well.

I don't want things to end because of this.

 

yeah it would be a real shame for it to go sour over this , after you are both enjoying each other so much .