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He still lives with parents, and no job.


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Hi. I have been with my boyfriend for coming up to a year and we are both 27. To give you a bit of a background, his parents are very well off so he went to boarding school when he was younger. He found school hard and didn't pass his GCSE's so when he left school he was given a job at his dads company. Shortly after we got together, him and his dad had a fall out and he was sacked. My boyfriend saw this as a blessing as him and his dad didn't have the best working relationship and he wanted the confidence to go get a job that he had earnt and not been given. I was super supportive as he wanted to join the police. He started college to get his GCSE's and things were looking great. BUT....he quit college (I believe he was scared to fail), he said he was going to get his job back with his dad but still hasn't asked, then he was going to work as a carer but hasn't applied. I am loosing hope.

On a side note, his mother who has never had to work, adores him. They are best friends. She loved him not having a job because she can go shopping with him, go to the gym with him, and takes him for lunches everyday. FYI he has never made his bed in his life, car and fuel paid for and even his phone is paid for my his mother. And to be honest I hate this as I moved out at 18, bought a house at 21 and very independent AND I want to go for lunches with him but he cant afford to take me out, so all of his dates are with his mom (yes I am resentful). His mother, I don't think, wants him to get a job, she has belittled any suggestions he had for work saying they are too poorly paid and he needs to start his own company instead like his dad did. Soooo...now she is spending 40k on a food van so he can sell waffles at festivals. My opinion is that this is not a full time job, it will not get us a mortgage, pay the bills or provide stability and she is just doing it for him to keep him living at home and under her wing for longer, at the same time selling it to him as if he will become Richard Branson. He knows working for his family didn't work and he was desperate to EARN a job that he has chosen and applied for...so what is he doing?

What do I do?! He tells me every week that he wants a job, provide for me and buy a house to start a family. But I feel he is too scared to jump and doesn't want to upset his mom. She has already told me she wishes he was dating an orphan so she would never lose her son to another family.

I am confused as to whether I should be annoyed at her? or my boyfriend for telling us what HE actually wants. Is he just trying to please us both and tell us what we want to hear? How long should I wait? I feel I am waiting for him to grow up so I can get my dream of a family. Am I being selfish and unsupportive?

Help!!

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Sorry to hear this. Even if he manages to cut the apron strings, you'll end up being his mom. He already has his dream family...as the perpetual child. Don't blame the mother, he's the one who is enjoying being breastfed at age 27. You can wait, but Peter Pans never grow up.

his mother who has never had to work, adores him. They are best friends. She loved him not having a job because she can go shopping with him, go to the gym with him, and takes him for lunches everyday. FYI he has never made his bed in his life, car and fuel paid for and even his phone is paid for my his mother. I feel I am waiting for him to grow up so I can get my dream of a family.
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Hey Roseanna, God where do I start?

 

 

You sound like a stable and ackomnplished person financially and mentally. What I get from this is that you are hard working and you have plans for building a future with a nice home, maybe having a family of your own etc. This man, as Wiseman2 said correctly is a Peter Pan. He has a really messed up connection with his mother since he is a son and he is 27 yo. He didn`t strive academically, he didn`t even try, but that`s fine -sometimes people get a more hand on education and follow similar professions such as plummer, hairdresser etc. He did neither. It reads to me his father kicked him out after trying to man him up and failed. I would break up with this guy and find a much better one for me. A driven individual, hardworking and serious about building a stable future with me. Because it`s not like he had a stream of bad luck - he literally didn`t try hard.

 

What`s sickening is his mom being present at your time together. Honeyyyyy please. You can do so much better, you know this right? :D

 

Don`t criticise yourself for bringing up those serious thoughts. Your future is a gravely important issue and shouldn`t be treated lightly. At this time you are not only supportive -you are blind. You can`t teach him character or make him be more of what you need. Either he is a match or he isn`t. Don`t waste years of your best life with a guy that is from lazytown. chin up :D

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This guy has been given every advantage in life, and STILL ends up as a loser...!!!

 

There's no way he's going to change in the foreseeable future, and you need to stop waiting and hoping that he does. He and his mother are in an unhealthy toxic relationship with an unwritten contract ("If you make sure you fail at everything you try, I'll support you financially, emotionally, everything as long as you don't leave me!"/ "I will, as long as you protect me from ever having to grow up and stand on my own two feet!") And, by the way, I very much doubt that he was scared of failure; much more likely that he was scared of succeeding, which would then have then blown the whole thing and forced him to cut the apron strings.

 

It's important you look at what people do, not just what they say.

 

If your future plans include marriage (to an adult, not a spoilt little boy), a family home and children, you have chosen absolutely the wrong person to be your partner.

 

He doesn't need support, he needs to grow up. He has no incentive to do this. Effectively he has two mothers, and he has no longing for the independence you have always wanted and needed. Now YOU need to be "selfish", i.e. practise self care and take responsibility for decisions which will affect your life for years to come.

 

You're only 27; plenty of opportunity to find an appropriate partner and forge a future together. It just isn't this guy!

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I know a lot of people that grew up with everything and manage to do and achieve nothing.

 

You have your act together. This guy will drag you down or at least diminish your success rather than foster it long term.

 

That's a huge consideration for any successful person. You need an equal. And I don"t mean in material wealth. I mean in terms of appreciation of and the ACTIONS required to have things of value, such as reliability, dependability, common sense (not so common) and motivation to complete tasks and do the right things.

 

He has a lifetime of missed opportunities & excuses behind him. That is not likely to change. Many people want to be successful, want a job, a career, a business, but not the drive to act...

 

And the whole parenting dynamic. Ugh! I'm going to say this, but I want you to know, I'm super close with both my parents and they are important parts of my life. But this guy, is as others said, Peter Pan. He's Mommy's good boy. And that makes for a terrible life partner. Because you're coming into a threesome and those two are the primary relationship.

 

I think you know how this is gonna go... the resentment will build and eventually your respect for him will be so low, you'll be pissed at yourself. I have been there! And i still shake my head at what I used to think a good catch was...

 

I mean sure its great to come from a ton of money and not have to do anything... but then again, is it? He is only an extension of his patents success. What does he have to offer on his own? What has he done with this gift (volunteer work etc) Is he just a bum? Sounds like it because he can't even take you to lunch! Sounds like a loser to me.

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I think this all doesn't sound good at all! Ultimately I think people don't change. I had an ex exactly like this. We broke up in 2014 and six years later it's still the same story! Your boyfriend sounds immature and like a major "Mommy's boy". I think the problem is he's spoiled. Which might not be 100% his fault, but that's just how it is. He's always had everything handed to him on a silver platter and he doesn't want to bother doing anything in life.

 

It's OK if he didn't do well at school, but he still has to do SOMETHING. Even people who are a cleaner or a waiter are earning an honest living. And are independent. He keeps going out with his Mum and she pays for everything like he's a kid? He shouldn't still be fully financially supported by his parents at that age!

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One of the most important responsibilities as a parent is to teach their children delayed gratification.

It starts practically at infancy.

*Eat your dinner - you get a cookie

*Do your homework - you get to go out and play

*Do the dishes - receive allowance

*Study - you get better grades, etc, etc

 

As young adult you begin recognize that when you further your education, you in turn can get a better job.

You work and are rewarded a paycheck.

You are rewarded a paycheck, you can buy a home.

 

You have learned these life skills and in turn his parents have crippled him by providing for him, not teaching this fundamental cycle that makes pretty much the entire world rotate - That hard work and dedication has it's rewards and the rewards include your independence and the ability to take care of yourself and put food on the table.

He has none of this.

 

His parents have basically crippled him and learning something so fundamental as an adult is close to impossible now.

 

I have a friend that was raised this way. She gets by, barely. She expects things to be given to her, feels very entitled and now at later time in her life has no idea how she'll take care of herself in senior years. She suffers from depression and utter frustration because her life didn't turn out like the fantasy she imagined. It's difficult to watch sometimes.

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It sounds like he was born with a bit of a silver spoon in his mouth and he enjoys being supported by his parents and has no plans to change that. If you choose to accept that, then that is what you're accepting. He actions speak very clearly. If you want to build a life with someone, then I think you should be fair to yourself and find someone else who also wants that. It's not this guy.

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This guy has been given every advantage in life, and STILL ends up as a loser...!!!

 

There's no way he's going to change in the foreseeable future, and you need to stop waiting and hoping that he does. He and his mother are in an unhealthy toxic relationship with an unwritten contract ("If you make sure you fail at everything you try, I'll support you financially, emotionally, everything as long as you don't leave me!"/ "I will, as long as you protect me from ever having to grow up and stand on my own two feet!") And, by the way, I very much doubt that he was scared of failure; much more likely that he was scared of succeeding, which would then have then blown the whole thing and forced him to cut the apron strings.

 

It's important you look at what people do, not just what they say.

 

If your future plans include marriage (to an adult, not a spoilt little boy), a family home and children, you have chosen absolutely the wrong person to be your partner.

 

He doesn't need support, he needs to grow up. He has no incentive to do this. Effectively he has two mothers, and he has no longing for the independence you have always wanted and needed. Now YOU need to be "selfish", i.e. practise self care and take responsibility for decisions which will affect your life for years to come.

 

You're only 27; plenty of opportunity to find an appropriate partner and forge a future together. It just isn't this guy!

 

Agreed completely nothing to add. Agree with the others who have expressed similar sentiments.

 

But - what do you mean his mother never had to work? Do you mean her son had a full time nanny 24/7 from the time he was a newborn so she never had to do any child care? And for the times he was home from boarding school? Or do you just mean they had enough $ so she didn't have to get a paying job outside the home?

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Telling yourself that he is just immature, needs to grow up is a nice fairy tale and wishful thinking. The not so nice reality is that he is a grown man and this is how he is and who he is. What you see is what you get. There is no other version of him.

 

He goes shopping with his mom and pleases her and she pays his bills. He tells you whatever bs you want to hear about building a future, getting a job and you provide all the gf benefits for him. He is living a very nice life and he is clearly adept at manipulating both of you and why not? He doesn't have to work, he gets to have fun and all he has to do is bs a little.

 

OP, IF he actually wanted to get a job, he'd get a job instead of just talking about it or planning or making plans for school only to quit, etc, etc, etc. The harsh reality that you need to face is that he has exactly zero intentions of ever getting or keeping any job.

 

Since I have some life experience, I can tell you right now that it doesn't surprise me at all that you have your life together. He chose you for that reason. Not because he wants to be a partner to you, but because he is a parasite and you are a nice, competent host. Someone who has a house, who has a job, who can pay bills. On that note, don't hold your breath that his parents will continue to support him. He already fell out with his dad - bad news. He may well get cut off support completely and when that happens, it will be 100% on you to support his "attempts at working but always mysteriously failing....don't you just feel terribly sorry for him and want to buy him a gift to make him feel better?" I'm being sort of facetious with that but not really because that's your future with a man like that or some version of that. Forever hoping he'll "grow up" while never understanding that he is living exactly as he wants.

 

If you really want your dream family, you'll have to kick this guy to the curb and find a man who is actually there with you. You can't have a dream life with a manchild. Contrary to popular myths, they do not grow up, they just become better at using others.

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Never been a fan of posts like this because there's really no sport on ****ting on the guy. You found a dude freeloading off his parents. You knowingly entered into a relationship with him. You've voluntarily remained in one with him. What do you want us to say? Yeah, dude's a bum, but it's the life he chose and has been living since you two have ever been a thing. He's not hurting anyone nor has he seemed to really misrepresent anything, so whatever.

 

You on the other hand are making this decision, so I'd do some self-reflection on why you're choosing a man like this. In my experience, 9 times out of 10 it's because someone can't do better and simply goes for the lowest hanging fruit, hoping for the best in lieu of working on themselves so that they actually can do better.

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You found a dude freeloading off his parents. You knowingly entered into a relationship with him. You've voluntarily remained in one with him. What do you want us to say?

 

Yep, this ^^^^. What is the outcome you're hoping for, OP? You can't magically change the mother or the guy's relationship with her. So question whether this is what you envision for your future, because unless you make a better choice, what you see is what you get.

 

We never get any wasted time back to live over again.

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