My wife is lying to me on her eating habits need some advice.

[Omega0321]

I mean just good fortune or something? I guess it affects people differently like your body can accept it

[Omega0321]

I’ve always accepted her for who she is. That’s never changed. But just because I accept her doesn’t necessarily mean I think her unhealthy eating habits are okay either

[Hollyj]

So you married her knowing how she was but now you expect her to "change"??

 

Oh boy...

 

Not cool.

 

Why would you choose someone you need to change?

[Omega0321]

Because I love her deeply but to have her near my side for the long haul she has to eat healthier and she says the same thing in reverse but again she’s saying one thing and her actions are saying otherwise. So it’s like is her actions actually telling me what I need to know? I don’t know

[Cherylyn]

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't force him or her to drink."

 

Your efforts are coming from a good place, Omega0321. I'll give you that. However, there are times when you need to let a person sustain their own self-destructive behavior, go way down and then they'll realize it is only they who can get serious about self-motivation.

 

I hope it doesn't go that far and even though you don't have to be in the room with your wife, you can be in the waiting room while she's in the care of professionals such as a psychologist, therapist, doctor (internist or family practice), nutritionist / dietician. Grocery shop together, cook together, take walks together and get more involved with her life other than your obsession regarding her food and lack of exercise. Make sure other facets of your marriage are addressed and given sincere attention.

 

Hire a sitter, go on date nights, to the movies and a nice dinner out.

 

Don't police her all the time either otherwise you'll continue to push her away and then it's time for professional marriage counseling if not already!

 

I agree with others. She didn't instantly become a junk food junkie. You've known her for 4 years which is a long time, then suddenly after being married for 3 months, this has become a problem in your marriage? Something doesn't add up in this picture.

 

And don't cut any deals or make threats by saying, "If you don't lose weight and get fit, I don't want children with you." That's mean. Don't be so cold and heartless.

 

Regarding diet, you can't expect her to flip a switch and suddenly turn into a health nut. Go gradual with professional help and your sincere compassion to be morally supportive instead of giving her smoothies and lunchables which are unhealthy btw!

 

Don't push too hard otherwise as you well know, it will always backfire.

[greendots]

Omega0321, I get you. Someone I know behaves in a similar way, angering family and friends with their behaviour. We go through all this effort to help them, to find they're still eating stuff they shouldn't. Then lying about it to their spouse and lots of other people. Sounds familiar?

 

Anyhow, back to the story. The person I know was quite overweight. Eventually drastically changed eating habits voluntarily, found an enjoyable sport to practice regularly (liking something increases the chances of sticking with it) and consequently, lost some weight. Albeit slowly but commendable nonetheless. Still, the battle continues to this day.

 

Here's the thing: on one hand their spouse is controlling. Said person is very independent, so forcing them to eat properly at all times doesn't work. Actually, it has the opposite effect. On the other hand, acknowledging to others that they're eating unhealthy means admitting (to themselves) that they're not being responsible. That whatever happens is on them. Therefore, lying is easier. It wasn't me, so I'm not responsible for anything.

 

Your best bet, in my experience, is to keep providing healthy meals for her but to drop the policing. If telling her "when she eats healthy goes to the gym it makes me so happy" doesn't work, change tactics. Assess which actions she responds favourably to and let go of the ones that don't work. At the end of the day, long-lasting / long-term change happens only voluntarily. Lastly, in my experience, there's a reason for overeating / eating unhealthy. For example, emotional overeating. Also, medical conditions can be a reason why someone struggles to lose weight.

[bluecastle]

What if the long haul was cut short because you got hit by a car on the way to the gym while she’s home eating fast food? To which she thinks, in mourning, not illogically: if only he wasn’t so obsessed with fitness, he’d still be with me for the long haul.

 

My point is that everyone has different math on these fronts—the stuff we call lifestyle, values—and you have to accept another’s basic math. I’m not sure that’s quite computing. You can only go so far nobly framing this as a health issue and patting your back for being the most caring man on the planet when it sounds like you’re primarily frustrated with how your partner chooses to conduct the business of being alive, and being herself, on a daily basis. That you’re miffed about who she actually is, right now, as about what her arteries might look like in 30 years. It’s harshing your buzz, bumming you out.

 

Like, if you were here arguing that you were concerned with her for binge watching reality TV, while you were reading classic literature, and how sneaking library cards into her purse and programming the TV to only work at certain times wasn’t “helping” her discover the brain-enhancing glories of Tolstoy—well, you’d struggle to present your concerns as wanting to save and protect another life. You’d just be a nudge who wanted his wife to be a bit different because it would make you happier on the day to day. Understandable, sure, but not as potent of a sympathy-generator.

 

And yet: this is, more or less, that. If you zoom out a bit.

 

I get your concerns, don’t get me wrong. They’re valid. As someone who eats exactly zero fast food, and is almost cartoonishly active, they’re roughly the concerns I feel about the silhouettes of every human inside any McDonalds. Then again, I pass by those humans on a motorcycle, which I prefer over a car in congested LA, and many of those people eating a Big Mac see, in me, a crazy person with a death wish. Fair enough. They’ve got a valid point about my life choices, and I doubt it would change if I told them how much kale I ate or how much yoga I do. They don’t accept my basic math and nor do I accept theirs. We are hardwired to judge each other’s choices a bit negatively.

 

No biggie: I’m not married to them, so we don’t need to hash it out. For some reason you overlooked this, for years and years. It is interesting. Who is this woman if she were to change her habits, hit the gym, lose 50lbs, get into weekend 10K races? You’ve literally never met her, so you can’t even be certain if she’d still be into you after undergoing such a drastic transformation.

 

Accept her, and love her, and be honest if you’re struggling on those fronts. People thrive when they feel cherished for exactly who they are. They grow and change shape, generally for the better, on their own timeline but in the embrace of another. It’s a truly beautiful thing. I really suggest you focus your energies on all that, on cultivating that mindset and letting it be the compass here. Odds are it’ll feel better in both the immediate and surprise you over the long haul.

[SherrySher]

I don't blame you, OP. I mean, I know where you're coming from.

I believe you have good intentions and that you also aren't not attracted to someone who is overweight. You know what? Nothing wrong with that.

 

But on your part, the bad behaviors you've had are: Choosing to marry someone you knew had this issue and then expecting her to change.

Trying to force someone to change. (It never works..seriously, never). She either has to want to change and make her own choices or it won't happen.

Simple as that.

 

What can you do now? Ask her if she wants smoothies etc, but don't force and don't push. Luncheables by the way is garbage and I wouldn't even feed that to my dog.

It's all processed food and nothing in it is good.

 

Buy more fruit, salads and have it easily accessible for her. (but again, don't push). Make dinner in the evening when possible and have it be a healthy meal. Lean chicken, vegetables, etc.

You can make suggestions but again, don't do it daily where it's again pushing.

Try to support her in a healthy manner. Don't guilt, force, manipulate, threaten.

Even suggest counselling or a nutritionist, going for walks when you have time together.

 

If all else fails, then come to terms with the fact that you do not want to remain married to her.

I agree with you, lying is a huge issue and it's a very bad behavior that destroys trust and relationships.

There is no excuse for it, ever.

 

If you are finding yourself more and more unhappy with her lifestyle and with her choices, you then need to determine if a divorce is the best for you both.

[MissCanuck]

Are you no longer attracted to her, OP? Is that partly what this is about?

[Wiseman2]

Is this an arranged marriage? Was there no courtship period in which you were able to see how she was or how compatible you are? The more you try to control her the more she will assert herself and resist. You need to back off. Stop being the food police.

 

It's a constant battle because you're making it one. Stop trying to fix and change her. You are acting like a prison guard and prisoner. Just stop.

married to my wife for about 3 months now. it’s a constant battle and there’s no consistency. I try and support her I make her shakes, smoothies anything I can do to help and give her words of encouragement. I go out of my way to buy stuff and make it so the only thing she has to do when she gets home is basically just eat it. I always find fast food bags in the trash

[Batya33]

I'm glad you're open to a mindset change. It's really encouraging! There's a fine line. My friend is married to a guy who is now supposed to cut out all carbs because of health issues (doc said so) -so she is cooking up a storm, experimenting with substitutes like spaghetti squash, etc. Honestly the way she describes it on Facebook sounds a wee bit controlling but only a wee bit. She's a great cook and apparently her husband is enjoying it. I just find her descriptions to be a bit infantilizing of her husband but whatever works. My husband eats too much junk/processed stuff but he loves certain veggies. So, I always have steamed broccoli available to reheat or brussel sprouts, I keep cooked whole grain pasta available, I buy a cooked chicken (because no I don't take the time to cook and yes you can buy healthful food that needs little prep). And I stopped buying certain sweets I am avoiding - which he likes -if he wants to buy them himself I guess he can (but he's not a fan of shopping) so I feel like I'm doing my part that way too.

[Lambert]

reading this thread, I don't understand OP, why this need to control her eating started now that you're married? Did you have these conversations while dating?

 

Do you really understand nutrition? how the brain responds to certain ingredients? The cycles of certain foods? how eating certain things changes what you crave? how in order to foster long term change, a person needs small changes over time?

 

I disagree with what you are suggesting is healthy eating. lunchables are among the unhealthiest things you can eat. smoothies & protein shakes, depending on your dietary needs and approach can be meal replacements or supplements. but just eating those and lunchables are not a healthy diet. I question whether it's not enough calories or the right kind of calories.

 

So you need to consider is your advice really that much better than her big Mac attacks? lots of whole plant based foods are the corner stone of healthy nutrition. I'd start there and slowly increase those foods while lowering the quantity of junk food in the diet.

 

And there's the whole aspect of married or not, you can only change yourself. And depending on how much you push your wife, you could push her right out the door.

[Andrina]

Since she's been the same person you met four years ago with no change in her eating habits, you have to accept that this is how she will operate forever, and if your stress over it trumps your love for her, leave the relationship now if you will sneer at her every time she eats chips, because she shouldn't be subjected to daily stress from her lifetime partner.

 

Maybe she will choose to eat healthier if she develops type 2 diabetes, or when she really packs on the pounds when her metabolism slows as she's aging. Or maybe she will continue on with her habits for a lifetime.

 

You have to take ownership that it wasn't a dealbreaker for you when you first started dating her, so decide now if it's still not a dealbreaker, or realize it is and free her to be with someone who accepts her for who she is.

 

Nobody wants to be romantic with a parental figure. Stop focusing on food and develop the other areas of your marriage. She will be pleasantly surprised.

[Gary Snyder]

It's true that it's not the healthiest diet. But it's not really your business - she's your wife not your slave, Mr. Control freak.

 

Besides, if you did not like it, you should not have married her.

 

And the weight - again, if you don't like her, don't be with her. Are you perfect?

 

The reasons she fibs is to avoid conflict and confronting a monster. She does not lie - you don't act properly, so she compensates for your bad behavior.

 

Edit: To be fair, if she gained weight after marriage, that's fraud on her part.

[boltnrun]

He said she's always been like this.

 

So, he married her then demanded she "change".

 

I sincerely hope he's going to follow through with giving up the controlling parenting tactics and just let her be.

[Gary Snyder]

^^^^^okay, so just another control freak.

[Lambert]

 

Edit: To be fair, if she gained weight after marriage, that's fraud on her part.

 

I don't understand this... people do change. I don't think it's fraud.

[Batya33]

I don't understand this... people do change. I don't think it's fraud.

 

Of course they do. We both changed and we were in our 40s when we married! And certainly people gain weight - I did not - and lost the baby weight quickly - but not everyone does and even people who commit to and have a healthy lifestyle can go through emotional and/or physical changes, put on some weight despite being fit and healthy still. It's a "fraud" if the person let's say commits to live a vegetarian lifestyle and that is important to the partner -and then changes her mind for an arbitrary reason. Or promises to support her partner's efforts in doing marathons or triathlons and goes back on the promise. I can't imagine anyone promising not to gain weight or have any weight issues for their entire married life. They can express what their health-related values and standards are and commit to in general staying true to them but that doesn't mean bodies stay the same.

[boltnrun]

You should see how my face has changed. LOL

 

Oh, and "the girls" are not where they were when I got them. Again, LOL

 

Some might say "Oh, get a face lift! Get a boob job!" But, no. Great for others, not great for me.

 

The OP knew what he was getting into from the get go.

[greendots]

Of course they do. We both changed and we were in our 40s when we married! And certainly people gain weight - I did not - and lost the baby weight quickly - but not everyone does and even people who commit to and have a healthy lifestyle can go through emotional and/or physical changes, put on some weight despite being fit and healthy still. It's a "fraud" if the person let's say commits to live a vegetarian lifestyle and that is important to the partner -and then changes her mind for an arbitrary reason. Or promises to support her partner's efforts in doing marathons or triathlons and goes back on the promise. I can't imagine anyone promising not to gain weight or have any weight issues for their entire married life. They can express what their health-related values and standards are and commit to in general staying true to them but that doesn't mean bodies stay the same.

 

Exactly! Bodies change due to so many reasons, including medical conditions and pregnancy.

 

You know what Omega, it's honestly great that you care about your wife's well-being and that you are encouraging her to eat healthy. It's in her best interest. So please do not get discouraged and keep it up. Just consider, as I have stated before, if one tactic doesn't work find another one that does. You just need to find an approach that works. Batya mentioned some great suggestions that work for her friend and herself. Perhaps you could try them out?

 

You cannot force someone to change, but you can always encourage them to be their best.

[Batya33]

Exactly! Bodies change due to so many reasons, including medical conditions and pregnancy.

 

You know what Omega, it's honestly great that you care about your wife's well-being and that you are encouraging her to eat healthy. It's in her best interest. So please do not get discouraged and keep it up. Just consider, as I have stated before, if one tactic doesn't work find another one that does. You just need to find an approach that works. Batya mentioned some great suggestions that work for her friend and herself. Perhaps you could try them out?

 

You cannot force someone to change, but you can always encourage them to be their best.

 

I think it's in a spouse's best interest to experience respect from her partner and to be treated like an adult - and to be valued as an adult who, unless she is physically or mentally incapacitated will be trusted by her partner to make good choices in her own best interest. My husband has an awful habit of eating food that's been out too long/too old - I do give him unsolicited advice -we have a young child and the last thing I need is him getting sick/food poisoning and not being able to do what he does as far as childcare, getting the rest of us sick. I curb my comments but yes I do say things because he takes too many risks that way. If the spouse has a true eating disorder then yes the other spouse can take her or him for medical care to get diagnosed or strongly suggest it.

 

But the garden variety/life shortening bad eating habits/being overweight - that to me crosses the line "I don't want you to have a stroke and high cholesterol increases that risk" - that's a point where yes it's controlling with more far fetched risks like that. (I had a stroke in my early 40s - I hadn't had a cigarette in over 25 years and only smoked for one year, my diet was reasonable and I was overweight by 20 pounds since I'd given birth a week or so earlier to my first child - so guess what it can happen anyway - the pregnancy was blamed despite my being in really good health when I got pregnant and throughout my pregnancy).

[Gary Snyder]

You know what Omega, it's honestly great that you care about your wife's well-being and that you are encouraging her to eat healthy. It's in her best interest. So please do not get discouraged and keep it up. Just consider, as I have stated before, if one tactic doesn't work find another one that does. You just need to find an approach that works. Batya mentioned some great suggestions that work for her friend and herself. Perhaps you could try them out?

 

You cannot force someone to change, but you can always encourage them to be their best.

 

- Find an approach that works? What, is she a pet cow?!

[Hollyj]

He said she's always been like this.

 

So, he married her then demanded she "change".

 

I sincerely hope he's going to follow through with giving up the controlling parenting tactics and just let her be.

 

That's what I don't get, either.

[Wiseman2]

Stop inflicting your equally unhealthy ways on her. Fitness/diet fads are not healthy either. When she is ready she'll see a doctor for an evaluation and get a dietitian who knows what they are talking about and activity plan that is safe and works for her.

 

Then she can do things her way with the guidance of people who are more knowledgeable and on her side. This is all about you and your fanatical borderline-abusive attitude, not her. You are both engaging in passive-aggressive combative behaviors. Some marriage therapy would help both of you.

I make her shakes, smoothies anything I can do to help and give her words of encouragement.

I go out of my way to buy stuff and make it so the only thing she has to do when she gets home is basically just eat it.

I left her a healthy protein shake and a lunchable so she can have it for dinner.

I told her when she eats healthy goes to the gym it makes me so happy.

[Cherylyn]

You need to look at yourself. You knew her for 4 years and after 3 months of marriage, suddenly her health habits have become a problem?

 

She was YOUR choice. You're the one who has to live with the consequences.