My wife is lying to me on her eating habits need some advice.

[bluecastle]

So basically how I’m understanding from everybody is making her things buying her stuff healthy things from healthy smoothies healthy protein shakes vitamins and food with low calories is the wrong approach?

 

Well, the best approach, as others have said, is to marry someone where your own happiness is not dependent on them becoming someone else.

[Omega0321]

So seems to me what everybody is saying is that everything is my fault which is astonishing to say the least but okay. What everybody is saying or seems to be saying is first she lied to me because I’m coming off controlling and not address her lying even though in my opinion any lie is a bit NO-NO. And I should stop doing what I’m doing. So that means stop leading by example, that means stop going out of my way buying and making her stuff like healthy smoothies protein shakes and low calorie food items and I guess stop caring. And I guess when she brings up the future talk somehow tell her nicely not going to happen until you can prove to me you’ll get healthier. Is that a fair accurate statement getting from everybody? That’s what it certainly seems like. I want to make sure I’m crystal clear.

[Tinydance]

So why did you date her and marry her if your values regarding health are very different and you don't like her size and eating habits? If you are a fitness and health fanatic then why do you date people that aren't? Do you eat meat? It's similar if someone was vegan and they started dating you but expected you to change for them and become a vegan for "health and ethical reasons". The point of being with someone is to either accept them as they are, or date other people who are on your level and share your values.

 

If she ate junk food from the start and you can see she wasn't changing to your tastes and you have a problem with it, why not just break up? You may consider yourself a "Do gooder" but you're actually not. Sure you may be worried about her health but you treat her like a child and yes you are very controlling. You're making her show you receipts and checking the trash. That is really full-on! You only treat a small child like that!

 

Thing is ultimately people can do what they like regarding their health. Some people are not overweight but they do smoke and drink. It's not the right approach to be forcing people to change and watching over them all the time. If I met a smoker I wouldn't be expecting them to quit smoking. If I had a problem with it (I actually don't) then I wouldn't actually date them in the first place.

 

Also sorry to say but not all people are obsessed with fitness and juicing, protein shakes, etc. I eat fine but I'm not fixated on a "gym junkie" lifestyle. It's also OK to just eat normal meals and go for a walks. Not everyone is into constant working out and dieting.

[Tinydance]

So seems to me what everybody is saying is that everything is my fault which is astonishing to say the least but okay. What everybody is saying or seems to be saying is first she lied to me because I’m coming off controlling and not address her lying even though in my opinion any lie is a bit NO-NO. And I should stop doing what I’m doing. So that means stop leading by example, that means stop going out of my way buying and making her stuff like healthy smoothies protein shakes and low calorie food items and I guess stop caring. And I guess when she brings up the future talk somehow tell her nicely not going to happen until you can prove to me you’ll get healthier. Is that a fair accurate statement getting from everybody? That’s what it certainly seems like. I want to make sure I’m crystal clear.

 

She doesn't want to eat the food you want her to eat. You are forcing her. You have not been deceived because she ate like this right from the start. If you don't like it then leave and date the host of "The Biggest Loser".

[boltnrun]

Nobody said this:

"So seems to me what everybody is saying is that everything is my fault "

or this:

"So that means stop leading by example"

or this:

"and I guess stop caring."

 

Do you strongly dislike being disagreed with? Or being told that maybe you could rethink your approach? Because you are very defensive and are making up things that no one wrote.

 

No one can ever improve if they aren't willing to rethink their mindset. After all, isn't that what you'd like your wife to do? Why does that only apply to her but not to you?

[Tinydance]

Well, the best approach, as others have said, is to marry someone where your own happiness is not dependent on them becoming someone else.

 

100% this! Well said!

[Omega0321]

I’m very willing to rethink my mindset. But everybody is saying or I guess not saying when is I make her things healthy things is the wrong approach I’m doing the wrong thing. Which in my opinion that’s being supportive honestly. Is there a better way to do it? Sure and I’m all ears to listen to it. But at the end of the day my goal is very simple. I want and encourage her to be the healthiest version of herself. If she doesn’t want to do that I guess so be it but if that’s the case her eating like crap is more important than the future. It’s like one or the other. She won’t go to a nutritionist so count that goodbye. I do agree about it has to be her mindset completely reversed like I believe she wants it but I don’t she wants it bad enough. Again it’s like if I’m overweight right and my significant other makes me healthy foods to eat I’ll take that as oh wow supportive! Not oh your being controlling

[limichelle]

Op

 

My ex’s mother used to do this to me! It backfired big time! I hated it. She measured my portions and told me what to eat. She said it was coming from a place of the same worries you have.

 

However honestly i think it was coming from a selfish place. She didn’t want a fat future daughter in law. She said “health” when she meant aesthetics.

 

Has your wife been physically unhealthy? Like always at the doctors or hospital?

 

You need to accept her for who she is right now in the body she is in. This will help her evolve and chose to lose weight not for you but herself because she will see the value in herself.

 

You need to show she’s worth it by not dictating what she eats but by saying how beautiful she looks.

[Seraphim]

SHE has to want that not YOU.

[boltnrun]

She's not you. So she will not react the way you would.

 

I would let her know that you made her something to eat. Then leave it be. Don't search the fridge, don't paw through the trash, don't interrogate her. Simply make the healthy food available and then LET IT GO.

 

She may surprise you.

 

But your controlling dictator detective approach would turn just about anyone off.

[Omega0321]

So continue to make her healthy food is the right approach and just leave it at that? And ultimately if she eats it or says screw it and still eats like crap well then that’s on her kind of thing then?

[Omega0321]

She hasn’t had a physical in a while. I’ve asked her to go and I told her I would take one as well if it made her more comfortable. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if a doctor said you have tons of problems

[boltnrun]

So continue to make her healthy food is the right approach and just leave it at that? And ultimately if she eats it or says screw it and still eats like crap well then that’s on her kind of thing then?

 

That's how it is for adults. We decide what we eat. Unless we're paying a nutrition professional, no one has a right to dictate what we choose to feed ourselves.

 

So yes, I would make THE BOTH OF YOU healthy food and then leave her to it. She's an adult who can make her own choices.

[Omega0321]

Okay that’s fair

[Omega0321]

Still hate the fact she lied to me because I can’t stand liars but if you think it’s my fault because I pushed a little too hard then I won’t address it and secondly I’ll just deal with that lie basically

[boltnrun]

You can deal with the lie and she can deal with your fridge detective work and your trash digging. LOL

 

I'm glad you're willing to consider another point of view and give it a try.

[Omega0321]

Just want her to be healthy and live a long life with me in our marriage and grow old together. She says she wants those things but her actions say otherwise. Like everybody says she has to want it. I guess I’ll find out which one she wants more at the end of the day. Like I said can’t have both.

[LootieTootie]

You married someone who was already inclined to make bad health decisions so don't get mad now after marriage. Hey I can sympathize, I married one too. He's a skinny guy but loves to eat hot pockets and you name it- anything processed and packaged in the frozen food aisle.

 

Sometimes I even have to cook different things because he wants microwaved tater tots while I want veggies with my steak!

 

He has talked to me about wanting to try to eat "non-GMO" food for quite some time and before I would enthusiastically encourage and praise him... (he has yet to adopt that dietary change) and he hasn't fully converted but I now see that he's willing to eat certain vegetables that are not just carrots and when he buys chips, he looks for that label non-GMO. He will show it to me and say "see I'm trying here and there..." So much better to see them do it then do it for them.

[boltnrun]

Shoot, I know people in their 80s who ate nothing but fast food and guzzled beer like a fish. It's not ideal but an unhealthy diet is not necessarily a guarantee you will die at 30.

[Omega0321]

No? I heard the health risks that associate with this type of behavior is startling. High blood pressure having a stroke your heart stopping at a drop of a hat just to name a few

[itsallgrand]

She hasn’t had a physical in a while. I’ve asked her to go and I told her I would take one as well if it made her more comfortable. I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if a doctor said you have tons of problems

 

I'll start off by saying I agree with what others are saying.

 

I do understand why you are concerned though, especially with the plan being to try for a pregnancy soon. You need to be on the same page with these things before walking into that.

 

My guy and I have a rule about deferring to our doctors. Let the doc do the talking to.

[LootieTootie]

Shoot, I know people in their 80s who ate nothing but fast food and guzzled beer like a fish. It's not ideal but an unhealthy diet is not necessarily a guarantee you will die at 30.

 

Yep. My husband uses his 92 year old grandpa as an example. "Healthy-looking" elderly man (not obese) that still walks and is still sharp and coherent. No signs of Alzheimer too. I went to visit his grandpa with him just to do our "annual check up" in AZ and sure enough, his fridge was full of nothing but Starbucks bottled coffees and nicely stacked up Budweisers in his fridge. In the freezer was corndogs and chicken nuggets.

[Omega0321]

I did ask her about this problem about a week ago. I think I found out part of the problem. She told me the reasons were this. A little bit lazy, the fast food tastes good, and lastly she said because I’ve always accepted her for who she is. I told her I’ll always accept you for who you are as a person but that doesn’t mean either though I support your unhealthy eating habits. I found that very interesting.

[Omega0321]

Wow that’s crazy! But god bless!

[boltnrun]

So when did you stop "accepting"? After the wedding?

 

To reiterate, try backing off. See if you start acting more "accepting" if she will decide on her own to make changes.

 

If not, you'll have to decide if you can continue to accept her as she is or if it's a dealbreaker you can't live with.