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Is it worth staying?


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My husband and I have problems. It’s not all terrible and I feel like these are petty, stupid little issues. But I don’t know for sure and don’t have a lot of people I can ask.

 

He nags me. Every time I hear my name I get anxious because 60% of the time it’s him telling me I did something wrong again or asking me to do it differently. Put your shoes up so I can vacuum, etc. or a lecture of how dangerous our town is every time I forget (not often) to lock the door. You can’t tell a guy he’s a nag so I just would be like “I’m doing the best I can, you have a lot of rules and I have decades of habits just like you” but I finally blurted out “You nag me!” In a fight awhile ago. It’s down to like 40% now. Still a lot.

 

I also feel like he doesn’t listen, at all. But he’s constantly accusing me of not listening to me. Not 10 minutes ago I got home from the store and was telling him about the trip and ended it with a sarcastic “or maybe not...” because he wasn’t listening. Immediately after he started telling me a story he was reading about in the news. But if I miss a single thing or forget something I hear about it. Years ago we fought because he sarcastically said yes get that kind of beer but because it was a text I had no clue it was sarcasm. I don’t drink beer, I don’t know the difference. He laid into me. I usually just kind of take it, but occasionally I stand my ground and that was one of them. He had no right to be upset and when I asked him “what’s my favorite kind of wine?” You guessed it. He couldn’t answer.

 

I’m kind of afraid of him. I don’t feel heard. I don’t enjoy our intimacy. We only share interest in our dogs. I pay all our bills, always have. I knew I was settling when I got married but our lives fit together. Now it’s tolerable most of the time to live with him, we have a great home and dogs, he does a lot of work around the house, and I try to ignore him when he takes out his feelings on me because I know it’s him, not me.

 

I know I love him like family. But I don’t love him romantically. It would be convenient to stay. Things aren’t all that bad right now and for every bad interaction there’s a good one. Maybe even more good than bad.

 

I’ve never been sure about staying with him and in the past I’ve had an easy time letting go. But for some reason I have always held onto him. Part of it I believe is he will, without the slightest doubt in my mind, never leave me. Nor does he want to. He always tells me the truth. And he’d never cheat. I know all these with absolute certainty in a way I’ve never been more sure about someone.

 

He would be so hurt if I started this process he would make it hell for me. I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to go.

 

I know everyone’s first thought is going to be marriage councilor. He has made it clear he is not open to it and from experience I know he’s not really willing to change. It will always be this way. So it’s a go or stay and if I do go, how to go, and if I do stay, how to stay.

 

Everyone’s voice is appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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I know everyone’s first thought is going to be marriage councilor. He has made it clear he is not open to it and from experience I know he’s not really willing to change. It will always be this way. So it’s a go or stay and if I do go, how to go, and if I do stay, how to stay.
Then go alone and learn to change the only person you can change... that's you.

 

When you make the changes within yourself, you will have no trouble deciding if you can change the way you resent his "nagging" into a positive wherein you accept that that is just his way OR: You will gain the confidence to leave his nagging ways, while knowing that you will heal and go onto to meet a man who you are more compatible with and with whom you don't resent their very presence.

 

He's a bully and he's not going to change. So forget about that and work on yourself who you can change.

 

.... in the meantime, stop enabling his BS. You buying his beer when he doesn't even work is ridiculous. That'd be like me nagging my husband to quit his smoking while I go out and buy his cigs. (which by the way he often tries to test me by asking me to pick them up for him and I just laugh at him as I close the door with a "see you later, dear."

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Out of curiosity - what else do you (or he) have going on in your lives? Do you both work? Do you have hobbies and friends outside the relationship?

 

The reason I ask is that sometimes, when we are unhappy or bored in life, and the relationship is one of the only “exciting” things we have going on, we hyper-focus and “pin” the source of unhappiness on our spouse. I can’t tell if this is what is happening or if there’s more going on in your marriage.

 

For the nagging... none of us are perfect. I think you’ll have a hard time finding someone who doesn’t annoy you in some way. I think that’s something you have to work on together - you trying to do less of those things that annoy him, and him letting more things slide.

 

For the “not listening” thing... I can’t tell if your expectations are reasonable or not? Did something super interesting happen at the store? Because, no offense, that’s kind of boring conversation if you were saying stuff like “they didn’t have the cheese I wanted so I got another one”. I’m not sure what you wanted him to contribute to that? I think a lot of us would have zoned out?

 

I would like to hear more about your hobbies and activities outside the relationship - because I do think those things would potentially be less pronounced if you have a lot of other stuff going on?

 

We are all responsible for our own happiness first and foremost - our partners can’t make us happy, they can only contribute (or take away) from that.

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Since he refuses marriage counseling, sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart discussion with him regarding how you feel about his incessant nagging. Make sure phones, TV, laptops / desktops, TV, radio / music and all background racket noises are turned OFF. Have zero distractions during this important conversation with your husband. Don't rush the conversation and give plenty of time to talk and express your feelings. Ask him why he is this way and how it makes you feel when he's relentlessly on your case 24 / 7.

 

You need to make it clear that you are putting forth the effort to make the marriage harmonious. Tell him that you'll need his selfless cooperation in order to be in lockstep with you. Tell him that he lacks empathy and needs to work on that. Don't mince words. Remain unemotional, calm, logical, well mannered, polite, reasonable and respectful. Never resort to shouting matches because it won't end well. Keep cool and be cool.

 

Tell him he needs to change or it's time for both of you to go your separate ways permanently. If his nagging is intolerable for you, your marriage will eventually dissolve.

 

Tell him you need to be treated with respect otherwise it's time for another discussion regarding parting ways legally or however way you wish to navigate this. I hope you do not have to broach the topic of divorce, hope your marriage can survive and somehow have a happy ending or new beginning.

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Skip the talk because he won't hear it. And even if by some chance he does, when he doesn't change (because he will not) and you continue to accept it (because you will) your credibility will fly right out the window.

 

You didn't say how long you've been married or how long you've been living like this. But I can tell you that if you are afraid of him, that is a warning sign that there is likely psychological abuse going on here. The fact that he "lays into you" and that he would make it hell for you if you left are all red flags. The more you accept, the worse it will get. One day you will likely have no choice but to leave. Start getting your ducks in a row now: your own bank account with your own money, a bag packed and a place to live if you need to leave suddenly--even if its the local homeless shelter. This is sad but it is very common--there are entire websites devoted to psychological abuse. Read up on it and see how much is common to your situation. Then start making a plan.

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Then go alone and learn to change the only person you can change... that's you.

 

When you make the changes within yourself, you will have no trouble deciding if you can change the way you resent his "nagging" into a positive wherein you accept that that is just his way OR: You will gain the confidence to leave his nagging ways, while knowing that you will heal and go onto to meet a man who you are more compatible with and with whom you don't resent their very presence.

 

He's a bully and he's not going to change. So forget about that and work on yourself who you can change.

 

.... in the meantime, stop enabling his BS. You buying his beer when he doesn't even work is ridiculous. That'd be like me nagging my husband to quit his smoking while I go out and buy his cigs. (which by the way he often tries to test me by asking me to pick them up for him and I just laugh at him as I close the door with a "see you later, dear."

 

This.

 

I recently read about the importance of teamwork in a marriage. If you two were trying to be a team, I would recommend the sitdown and tell him approach. From a position of fear, this will be ineffective.

 

You both have fear, by the way. Of different kinds, and and they can be addressed with psychotherapy or very very diligent self exploration, skill development etc.

 

The only person you can control is you. Make yourself teflon, remember that his behavior reflects on him and not on you, and consider a weekly session with a therapist so that you have support. You will need it no matter which way you choose.

 

Once you get over the transition of it, you may find life is easier without him. That says something.

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Why did you marry him if you knew you were settling - he probably senses that and rather than expressing his feelings which are kind of scary he acts out by being hyper critical. He doesn’t feel like his wife ever loved him like a wife should. Did he know you were settling for him ?

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You're in a power struggle. You can go to a therapist by yourself to sort this out and decide if being complacent, bickering, etc is better or worse that starting over. In fact when there is this much conflict you should confide in a therapist privately and Do Not Discuss It With Him.

 

Never use therapy as a tool to fuel your right/wrong tug-of-war. (my therapist said you're...)

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I appreciate all of this a lot. I’ve done a ton of reading and technically what he does isn’t psych abuse, but between my issues and his it cycles into a bad place, for both of us. I hear you loud and clear though, it’s always been borderline. Could this be why I feel so attached? Everything is mine, in my name, under my control fortunately. But, don’t everyone’s issues affect each other? Wouldn’t this happen again with another partner in the future?

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He's always been honest with you, you say.

How about being honest with him? He deserves to know he's with someone who has settled for him for a long time, who doesn't love him romantically, and who is with him out of convenience.

 

I couldn’t agree more. I am a s***head too. That’s part of the issue. We’re both a-holes in some respects. Won’t this just happen again in the future with any partner? Will anyone be good enough for me? And lastly his truths do hurt sometimes. Often. I don’t want to inflict that pain on him because I do love him. But it’s still an excuse - you got me on this one, I’m just trying to work out my past and future behavior here...

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You said you pay all of the bills. Is he not gainfully employed?

 

He is and he pays for all his own stuff including beer, plus house repairs and little stuff here and there but I’m all the big monthly recurring expenses. I don’t want to disclose more than that, but basically if we combined our finances completely I’d still be paying 80% of those recurrences. He actually works very hard, he’s just starting his career unfortunately and so he doesn’t make a lot.

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Hi,

 

I noticed your worried with someone new in the future you’ll experience what you’re currently experiencing. I think that each person is different and someone out there will make you happier then you are now. Why? Because after let’s say you do leave you’ll have the heavy burden of carrying this toxic energy out of your system.

 

With that you can begin anew. You can focus on yourself. I’m sure with all the nagging you’ve neglected your wants and needs. It’s hard living by somebody’s standards all the time.

 

It will be hard after you leave I won’t lie to you there. He’s become a constant and without him it will take time to adjust.

 

I’m sure like any relationship there are good times which is why most people stay longer then they should.

 

I think you posting on here is a cry for help because despite those good times it’s dragging you down all the negativity in the relationship. Also communicating is key but if he won’t listen then you’ve lost one of the pillars of strength to a good relationship. One of the most important ones.

 

I say you leave. I know you’re married and easier said then done, it’s just at the end of the day life is short and you sound extremely unhappy.

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I get anxious because 60% of the time..., but I finally blurted out “You nag me!” In a fight awhile ago. It’s down to like 40% now. Still a lot.

 

Those numbers hint his fear of you. (Losing that is)

You are both stuck in bad habits.

 

You must keep asserting yourself.

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I couldn’t agree more. I am a s***head too. That’s part of the issue. We’re both a-holes in some respects. Won’t this just happen again in the future with any partner? Will anyone be good enough for me? And lastly his truths do hurt sometimes. Often. I don’t want to inflict that pain on him because I do love him. But it’s still an excuse - you got me on this one, I’m just trying to work out my past and future behavior here...

 

No it won't happen in the future because there is no requirement to be in a relationship. If you believe you won't become the right person to find the right person then do people a favor and don't get seriously involved with them - date casually maybe as long as the other person is on the same page (meaning if you just do fun activities with someone and flirt/have sex if you feel like with no strings attached and not casually, the other person knows you are keeping your options open and can decide if that's all right and also pursue others). Or be on your own. I almost got married a few times and it would have been settling. I was on and off serious with someone I did love and did feel in love with but overall not strongly enough so we finally broke up. And when I met my right person -when I became the right person to find the right person - world of difference. And ..... yes -he was one of the few I'd almost settled for years earlier. Except now I was ready for love with him, for a true commitment where I didn't feel like I was settling. World of difference. And I promise you I would be alone right now if I had not found the person who was right in all those ways.

 

Of course there technically could be someone "better" - I mean I didn't date everyone -just half the men on the planet - but when you meet that person you know that technically there could be someone better but it means nothing to you because you're solid in your heart, your mind, your commitment. It's not shakeable to the core even if you get upset, even if some eye candy, if that is your thing (not my thing) catches your eye briefly. My mother crushed on Gregory Peck in the 1970s and made me go to a whole movie starring him that was so boring. And she was with and loved my father for 62 years. Sorry to digress but please don't go down the delusional path of "I'd just settle for someone else". Who says you have to be with anyone? Who says you have to subject someone to your settling just because you tell yourself you can't be alone?

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No it won't happen in the future because there is no requirement to be in a relationship. If you believe you won't become the right person to find the right person then do people a favor and don't get seriously involved with them - date casually maybe as long as the other person is on the same page (meaning if you just do fun activities with someone and flirt/have sex if you feel like with no strings attached and not casually, the other person knows you are keeping your options open and can decide if that's all right and also pursue others). Or be on your own. I almost got married a few times and it would have been settling. I was on and off serious with someone I did love and did feel in love with but overall not strongly enough so we finally broke up. And when I met my right person -when I became the right person to find the right person - world of difference. And ..... yes -he was one of the few I'd almost settled for years earlier. Except now I was ready for love with him, for a true commitment where I didn't feel like I was settling. World of difference. And I promise you I would be alone right now if I had not found the person who was right in all those ways.

 

Of course there technically could be someone "better" - I mean I didn't date everyone -just half the men on the planet - but when you meet that person you know that technically there could be someone better but it means nothing to you because you're solid in your heart, your mind, your commitment. It's not shakeable to the core even if you get upset, even if some eye candy, if that is your thing (not my thing) catches your eye briefly. My mother crushed on Gregory Peck in the 1970s and made me go to a whole movie starring him that was so boring. And she was with and loved my father for 62 years. Sorry to digress but please don't go down the delusional path of "I'd just settle for someone else". Who says you have to be with anyone? Who says you have to subject someone to your settling just because you tell yourself you can't be alone?

 

Lol just half the men on the planet. I like you, we should be friends. I used to be like this. I’d have romantic flings a lot too. But now I’m in my mid thirties and I kind of want a kid which is another issue here. I’d be happy as a single mother, but I don’t like that idea as much as having a kid with a partner. Raising a kid looks hard and I wouldn’t have a lot of help if I do it alone and I have a demanding job.

 

When we got married I felt ready to “settle down” and have someone always there with me. He fit the bill. I suppose I’ve developed a codependency here and that’s part of why this is hard. I’ve been in one of two relationships with very little break between for the past 10 years now. I guess I can go back to independent fierce female but it will be a rocky transition.

 

I’m trying not to give out too much identifying info but I also have chronic health issues. Dealing with that alone does scare me because sometimes I need someone else to pick up the slack.

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Hi all - thank you all for your help so far. I’m getting tears in my eyes that strangers on the internet are helping me. I deeply appreciate it.

 

I’ve decided a few things:

1 find a therapist and go

2 I need to sit down and talk about our issues openly and tell him how I feel. I’m hoping a therapist can help prepare me for that.

3 if he is unwilling to change, which is very likely, I will need to leave him. I’ll probably be back for support here, ya’ll are awesome.

 

I also want all of you to know that he doesn’t “yell” at me per say, but he does talk loudly and sound very annoyed often. He has never and will never physically abuse me (I’m sure on this one). Thank you for caring about my well being.

 

I’ll be back to check this thread and see if there’s more but I think I have a plan for now.

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Lol just half the men on the planet. I like you, we should be friends. I used to be like this. I’d have romantic flings a lot too. But now I’m in my mid thirties and I kind of want a kid which is another issue here. I’d be happy as a single mother, but I don’t like that idea as much as having a kid with a partner. Raising a kid looks hard and I wouldn’t have a lot of help if I do it alone and I have a demanding job.

 

When we got married I felt ready to “settle down” and have someone always there with me. He fit the bill. I suppose I’ve developed a codependency here and that’s part of why this is hard. I’ve been in one of two relationships with very little break between for the past 10 years now. I guess I can go back to independent fierce female but it will be a rocky transition.

 

I’m trying not to give out too much identifying info but I also have chronic health issues. Dealing with that alone does scare me because sometimes I need someone else to pick up the slack.

 

No I did not have a lot of romantic flings. Very very few. I had a number of serious, committed relationships where I had doubts that the person was the one and would have settled if we'd married with me feeling that way. So I didn't and as a result I took a long time to find the one, got in my own way a lot, and had to become the right person to find the right person. Just wanted to clarify. I don't think being ready to "settle down" is the whole picture -I think for me at least I wanted to be reasonably sure he was the right person and excited to marry him. No need to be an independent fierce female. Just be a person who lives his or her life. I am sorry about your chronic health issues!

 

I too thought of single mother by choice when I was in my late 30s and exasperated with myself for being with "not quite right" men and wasting time. I considered it, talked to people who I trust and love -my mother, my sister, a few select friends, did some research too and discovered that for moral and ethical reasons as well as practical reasons I did not feel it would be fair to intentionally bring a child into this world without at least the really good chance of a stable two-parent family (and i am straight so that would mean a spouse). That's just me and the decision I came to. Practically speaking my mother was getting older and couldn't have helped much and I had no other family who could help in a significant way despite loving me and wanting what would be best for a child. Now that our son is 10 i cannot tell you how often I am so so grateful to have my husband, our child's father on every level -as a father, for logistical reasons, but mostly as a father, as my husband, as our family. It's so obvious to me how essential it is to our child to have his family. And that's even though my husband travels a lot and even though we tag team a lot where our child will be only with me or only with him so the other parent can get work done/shower, use the bathroom LOL. But he knows what he has. And I did have a post-birth medical condition that is not chronic and I also love that heaven forbid should one of us have a health issue (son is 10, we are in our 50s) we would at least have the other parent.

 

Just my humble opinion. I just visited my friend yesterday with a serious chronic health condition and an underemployed husband and an 8 year old. It's so tough. HIs mother recently moved to our city to help. Not sure how else they could do this. And the father is an awesome person and dad. And still. Feel free to PM me if you like.

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Sorry have only skim read all the comments. I might be thinking a bit black and white here but if you don't love someone and you know you're just settling, why bother to get married? Why bother to do marriage counselling? I know that some people have this mindset that if they're struggling to find "the one", it's fine to just find "anyone". Even my mother told me to do that initially because I'm in my 30's.

 

I think though that if you don't love the person and you know they're not right, you will not be able to fix it. This happened to my best friend where she just settled and she was with the guy 4.5 years but she was forcing herself to be with him. In the end she just couldn't do it and had to end it. So really it was a bit of a waste of time for both of them.

 

Every minute longer you spend with your husband you are missing out on finding the right person. Who is probably still out there.

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Hi all - thank you all for your help so far. I’m getting tears in my eyes that strangers on the internet are helping me. I deeply appreciate it.

 

I’ve decided a few things:

1 find a therapist and go

2 I need to sit down and talk about our issues openly and tell him how I feel. I’m hoping a therapist can help prepare me for that.

3 if he is unwilling to change, which is very likely, I will need to leave him. I’ll probably be back for support here, ya’ll are awesome.

 

I also want all of you to know that he doesn’t “yell” at me per say, but he does talk loudly and sound very annoyed often. He has never and will never physically abuse me (I’m sure on this one). Thank you for caring about my well being.

 

I’ll be back to check this thread and see if there’s more but I think I have a plan for now.

 

How is therapy going to change this ...?

“ But I don’t love him romantically.”

 

You don’t enjoy being intimate with him.

 

You are ready to settle down and have a kid but it seems you chose the wrong man to do that with.

Have you ever thought that the relationship isn’t working because you aren’t invested in it?

 

You mention you will leave if he doesn’t change? Are you going to change and suddenly be romantically interested in him? Do you actually believe that he doesn’t know this?

 

I’m usually more for working things out , but in this case, therapy will be a waste of time and I suggest you invest the money into sperm donor / egg freezing / ivf instead?

 

Seriously there are women who would love if their husbands asked them to put their shoes up so he could vacuum. It’s unheard of lol

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How is therapy going to change this ...?

“ But I don’t love him romantically.”

 

You don’t enjoy being intimate with him.

 

You are ready to settle down and have a kid but it seems you chose the wrong man to do that with.

Have you ever thought that the relationship isn’t working because you aren’t invested in it?

 

You mention you will leave if he doesn’t change? Are you going to change and suddenly be romantically interested in him? Do you actually believe that he doesn’t know this?

 

I’m usually more for working things out , but in this case, therapy will be a waste of time and I suggest you invest the money into sperm donor / egg freezing / ivf instead?

 

Seriously there are women who would love if their husbands asked them to put their shoes up so he could vacuum. It’s unheard of lol

 

I'd like to point out also that in most cases people don't/can't change. When you marry someone it's with the understanding that you take them as they are. If you don't like major things about them then you shouldn't marry. You can't just miraculously change who they are or fall in love if you don't love them.

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I'm not good at all this stuff but I'm going to chime in anyway as someone who recently came here for help because I also said that I don't love my wife romantically... and I turned out to be wrong and in fact what I needed (aside from much more open honest communication about what we both want) was to see and accept my own role in the situation and address that first. At the start, you said he doesn't listen but also that he's having to ask you repeatedly to do the same things and the first example was actually to facilitate him doing the housework. So I'm going to hazard a guess that he doesn't always feel listened to either. Nagging is a terrible motivator and that's going to need to be something he learns and changes but you are in this together and maybe asking yourself how you can make things better on a day to day basis might help him do the same.

 

It might sound simplistic but I basically saved my marriage and regained happiness I thought was long gone and got a better wife in the process by first asking myself how I could be a better husband. Not a pushover, because that's not the same thing. But an active participant striving to improve things for both of us.

 

As for the 80% and who earns more, in my view it's a marriage and that's not relevant unless he's a total deadbeat. When I met my wife, she earned way more than I did. Then it flipped and I was the primary earner for a very large chunk of our marriage and, this year, it looks like it might flip again. As far as I see it, it's a marriage and we're earning for both of us. I can only imagine an equal 50/50 earning marriage is rare. As IAmFCA says, it's about teamwork. But for that to count, you both have to see yourself as part of that team, not as adversaries. And maybe not all teams work but, if you think there is something here to work on, it sounds like you are taking the right steps. Therapy is always good and, yep, sitting down and having an open conversation is what it will probably come down to. We can only hope that he is at a place where he is ready to listen.

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