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About Greg40s

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  1. I'm so sorry I didn't reply to this sooner! I haven't been back in a while. I really hope things are going okay for you and I'm not too late to come back with an answer. I guess everyone is a little different but it's clear you relate to some of what I was saying and I also relate to what you're writing here so I'll offer what I can. In terms of being reactionary listeners, that's a good thing to recognise because, honestly, that was probably me. More me than my wife but I think when I got defensive, she would then get defensive too and that wasn't helpful at all. For us, I think it was pa
  2. Hi all! Well, it has been more than a year since I first posted here. Quick recap - I kind of thought my marriage was dead. All spark was gone and felt like it had been for a long time and I just felt I needed some way to get through it. So I posted here and some of you told me to take a good hard look at myself and some also told me that I needed to talk it through with my wife and so I started both of those things and found that there was a lot more to save than I had thought. And things got better. A lot better. And now, a year later, we're still here and... things are good! And wow am I
  3. The fact that he doesn’t think anything is wrong is a big red flag. If the two of you are dissatisfied, even in completely different ways, that means both people could be motivated to make things better. For him to play his role in improving things, it requires him genuinely understanding that some things simply aren’t right. And it sounds like you have communicated this and he’s not truly getting it. The fact that he is happy to experience new things with you, however, seems like a good sign but it means he is abdicating his responsibility in all this and putting you in the driving seat.
  4. Yep, I know that. Your posts were clear and I totally understand the thought process.
  5. I’m suggesting that cutting off or withdrawing from sex could result in things getting worse rather than better.
  6. Personally, reading through the posts I think cutting off sex is exactly the wrong thing to do. Yes there is a chance that he will miss it but, if he is checking out of that part of the relationship, it seems far more likely to me that that will validate it and cause him to drift away further, like sex just isn’t something you do any more. It enables it. Feels to me like you need to have a big long talk, not just about what you’re missing and what you need (because it could just make him defensive and there are two of you in this relationship) but also what his expectations are, how he feel
  7. I'm not good at all this stuff but I'm going to chime in anyway as someone who recently came here for help because I also said that I don't love my wife romantically... and I turned out to be wrong and in fact what I needed (aside from much more open honest communication about what we both want) was to see and accept my own role in the situation and address that first. At the start, you said he doesn't listen but also that he's having to ask you repeatedly to do the same things and the first example was actually to facilitate him doing the housework. So I'm going to hazard a guess that he does
  8. Do not move back with your parents. You are an adult already on your own path. Visit your parents, love them and try to ease your dad through this maybe but the whole point of being a parent is preparing your children to leave. Maybe he did that with you and neglected to do it for himself. Mine is just one point of view but I’d be very strong on remaining on your own path, going forwards and not backwards.
  9. Yes there could be someone else in his life but it's not necessarily that. He's young and you've been together a long time for someone that young and he could be hitting a point where he's wondering 'is this it?' There could be a big part of him that wants to explore beyond your relationship and he can't if he's with you. And if it's something like that, it won't have happened overnight - this will have built for a long time until it just got too much. He might still really have feelings for you but also could feel completely trapped by them, putting him in conflict with himself and you're cau
  10. Another child of an alcoholic here. You are absolutely 100% doing the right thing here. Until he kicks alcohol, his life will be ruled by it and it will affect the lives of everyone around him, whether he likes it or not. And while I absolutely wish him well and hope that he does just that, you also can't hold on to any hope that he will - and even if he does, it will be a very long journey. It's his journey. You have a child to look after and you can do this.
  11. The silent treatment is a poor motivator generally. But it sounds like you have communicated things very clearly before getting to that and he just bottom line hasn't respected you. And he needs to. You didn't get together with a person who vapes in the house and, when in a long term relationship and certainly when living together, what to him might feel like a personal individual decision is not that at all - it involves both of you and it's clearly affecting you. I agree with you that you shouldn't even need the allergy for him to respect your wish for him to stop doing this in the house. An
  12. Yeah, I don't know if I subscribe to any of this, be it the use of the terms masculine and feminine energy or the idea that a relationship requires polarity but, if it helps you make sense of some of your behaviours and how they might be approached better between the two of you, then absolutely take what you can from it. But I'd be wary of jumping on a Tony Robbins simplification as if those basic things have now defined who you and your wife are when, as Abitbroken says, there could be a lot more to see. Not being completely walked over is a good thing, whether it attracts your partner or not
  13. @katrina - I’m not saying I’m right at all. I’m just throwing out another side just in case. This could be what they do. And yeah, maybe it’s not dropping someone to suggest they don’t meet in the evening but, honestly, I’d probably find that a bit controlling and, really, it’s saying: that thing you do with your friend, you don’t get to do that any more and it’s because I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you to be around a woman, even if she is a friend of 24 years. As for how I would expect my exclusive gf to feel about that, well, I was that exclusive bf and I was fine with it because I n
  14. I don’t know this guy at all so there may be way more factors involved here but, trying to see it from his perspective, a friend of 24 years is not someone he would drop or should drop for a girlfriend of 7 months. Maybe I’m being naive but people have friends. They can have guy friends or girl friends and, if they were friends before, there isn’t a reason for them to not be friends after. And again I could be naive but I would assume that most friendships are not with benefits. I honestly think that would be my starting point unless there really was a reason to suspect otherwise. I’m just
  15. It could be just what he says it is. I have a female friend and we'll go for drinks once in a while just the two of us and it's just a catch up - it's far from a date. But my wife knows her really well now and knows our history and they also catch up together now and again. Without that part, I can definitely understand it being something you would be uncomfortable with and it seems like that should come first - that you should be there as a couple and get to know her and where she fits in your partner's life. But then I think, what if I asked to meet a friend to catch up and they turned u
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