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RedDress

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Everything posted by RedDress

  1. To quip or not to quip - that is the question lol! I agree that it’s completely subjective and personal - but for me - it would be less about teaching this particular guy a lesson and more about standing up for women’s rights. Which makes ME feel empowered and good (which also counteracts how he was attempting to make the OP feel). I am not an object. The woman he was gawking at is not an object. We, as women, have more to bring to the table than just boobs and high heels and whatever else he was staring at. We are people who have thoughts and feelings and interests, etc. I’m sure he wasn’t wondering what the last book she read was... I have no illusions that this particular woman will make this particular man change over this particular incident... but yes... I do think we should stand up more often and say « this is not ok ». Like the #metoo movement. We should speak up. And yeah - the world does sometime change when people start to make noise, yanno? Ok... I’ll take my soapbox away now... lol! Btw - I agree that it would be the same if the genders were reversed. It’s ok to notice or to find someone attractive... but people shouldn’t objectify people IMO
  2. I agree. I might be tempted to tell him once how incredibly rude, disrespectful and creepy he’s being - just to get it off my chest - lol! But I agree. If he is doing this, he is simply a crass person and you can’t reach an adult manners.
  3. It doesn’t sound like you actually like this guy. The sex was bad, you don’t find him attractive, he smelled funny, you know in your gut there is something going on with this other girl, you don’t respect his approach to his « love child », etc. To be honest, I think you are just fixated on him because he is familiar and you are a little bit scared and lonely. Btw - if someone tells you they don’t want a relationship - believe them. People often act in ways that have little to nothing to do with you. Just as you were hanging on because he was « good enough » and a little lonely - he too could have been hanging on so as not to get too attached to that other girl, keeping his options open, simply enjoying the connection, etc. You can do better than someone who smells funny and sucks in bed lol! Delete his number. Block him on everything. Get yourself back online, going to meetup groups, throw yourself into your hobbies, work on building a strong local friend group, connect with some girl friends, etc. The sooner you get back to honoring yourself, the sooner you will feel at equilibrium.
  4. I’m sorry you are going through this. I am so happy to hear that you are going to a therapist. You need support. Good for you for looking after yourself too. You are wise :) You can’t help him with this. Not anymore than you could help him with high blood pressure. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. He needs to see a doctor. Unfortunately, getting someone with depression to recognize and agree to go to a doctor is not always an easy feat.... Yes. Please keep your appointment with the therapist. They will likely have some good suggestions and can help you develop some tools to keep yourself emotionally safe at the same time.
  5. I agree that examples are needed here. Too general. Have other people ever told you that you are reckless, impulsive or inconsiderate? A brother or sister or friend? If no one else finds you this way, then it’s either that he’s sensitive or you are incompatible. If you’ve heard this feedback before - maybe it’s worth considering that it’s you.
  6. You don’t really mention his relationship situation... It is not at all uncommon for couples - even the strongest of couples - to go through a bit of a rough patch when they become new parents. A baby is a lot of work! Neither of them are sleeping properly. Her body’s hormones are all over the place. If she is staying home alone with the child, she is likely feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and completely isolated. If he is working and going to school and trying to raise a family, he is also likely exhausted, overwhelmed and having their needs thrust on him the moment he gets home. Couples often get irritated at each other and start giving each other a hard time, etc. It’s not nice... but it’s completely normal. If he looked at you in any kind of way, I would not see that as anything about you or an indication of a special connection or anything - but rather a reflection of what’s going on in his own life. You represent a bit of nostalgia and a time when life was “simple”. The fact that he has your number and hasn’t used it kind of speaks for itself, IMO. Best to take your awesome self and find someone available who is not so busy and doesn’t have so many complications. Your life will be MUCH happier for it.
  7. Oh, interesting! I don’t think I’ve ever interacted with you one-on-one and I definitely tend to float in and out of the forums over the years depending on what’s going on in my own life... so please take what I have to say with a grain of salt... ... but yes. My initial perception of you was that you were perhaps a little more on the “emotional” side. I have actually noticed a shift, questioned myself on that perception and had to do a “double-take“. It’s interesting that you posted this... Now... whether that has to do with the therapy... or what you (or I) were each going through at the time... or it’s just a coincidence, etc - I don’t know... but yes, you made me do a double-take. Lol!
  8. If ever there was a thread where marriage counseling would help - I think this one is it. I get it. Sometimes feelings are overwhelming and aren’t particularly logical. You are struggling with gender roles within the relationship. Your husband doesn’t sound like a bad guy. He was simply doing what you both agreed to and was believing you when you were saying you were ok with it. Now you’ve discovered you are not ok with it. I honestly feel that exploring your feelings with a therapist could help save your marriage. There is probably multiple ways that this could be resolved that you can both work at - and it sounds like he is open to working on it. Your feelings are what they are. I don’t think you should try to invalidate them or push them under the rug - they need to be dealt with appropriately. But I do think therapy would be a huge benefit in this case.
  9. Heya I agree with DancingFool Right now you are very outward-focused. You are looking around for validation from others - from your elementary school crush, to another crush, to friends, etc. You want others to show and prove to you that you are « worthy ». That is a never-ending pursuit and unfortunately you will never achieve that (no one can - not even celebrities - there will always be « haters »). What you need to do is find that validation from within. To love yourself, to walk your own path and to heck with what people think. It’s YOUR life - no one else’s - and their opinion doesn’t matter. You have to find - and make - your own happiness. A very hard lesson in life is that life is very transient. People come. People go. Some die. Some move on to other things. Change is constant and a given - whether you want it or not. Such is life. It’s hard sometimes for sure - but it also brings with it opportunity. Dating kind of falls into the same principles . You need to know yourself and love yourself before someone else will follow. And really - if you go talk to older people - I think you would be very hard pressed to find people who fell in love with and married their first crush from elementary school. MOST people (men and women alike) go through dozens if not hundreds of rejections. It says nothing about their worth as a person. It only says something about that particular compatibility. My advice to you is to find resilience. Resilience in the face of rejection. Self-love, self-confidence and wisdom to know things will keep changing. And to find your own path. I’m pretty sure the rest will follow. FWIW - I’m pretty sure someone like Bill Gates would have been bullied and rejected a lot when he was younger too. Find your path and your validation from within.
  10. In my experience, trying to stay friends with someone you still have feelings for is nothing but a recipe for hurt. All it really does is keep you from truly moving on. I hate to say it like this - but a person can’t miss you if you don’t go away... I honestly think that your best shot of getting back together (or finally moving on) is to cut contact completely.
  11. If a relationship is what you are looking for (not just a good time), I would let this whole situation go. I get that you were just going with the flow and having fun (and there is nothing wrong with that)... but honestly, while I may have gone to the 2nd location, when they start to talk about a 3rd, 4th, 5th location - that’s when I would have taken my leave. It was already clear at that point that the night was no longer about really getting to know YOU... it was about the party. (Again, nothing wrong with that as long as a party is what you were looking for). I think they are likely all in the same place in life - in a party phase. I’d chalk it all up to a fun night and a neat dating adventure (not all bad dates end up being creepy!) but I would consider what you are looking for. If it’s a relationship, I don’t think you’ll find it here.
  12. I think what you are doing to each other is equally unfair. To say “if he loves me enough, he’ll be ok not having sex” is just as bad as saying “if she loves me enough, she will agree to have sex”. I don’t think it’s about levels of love at all - and I think you are BOTH wrong to put that qualifier on it. It’s totally unfair. It’s about competing wants and needs. Not about how much each one cares. I don’t think there is a compromise on this. I think that anything the two of you do to try to compromise will only lead to a slower, more painful death of the relationship. I think the kindest thing to do is to acknowledge the incompatibility and move on. This will allow each of you to seek what you are looking for in a relationship - and hey - if it’s meant to be, maybe things will change and you will come back together. ... but hanging on and letting it slowly deteriorate is not a good plan. And I don’t think it has anything to do with love.
  13. I don’t know why you lied about it - you weren’t doing anything wrong. 🤷♀️ I just said this in another thread but... maturity is knowing not to ask questions you don’t really want the answer to. She was being immature. And for your part - you should learn just not to answer those types of questions. Lying just compounds the issue. Just forget about it. It was none of her business anyways.
  14. It was an immature question for her to ask. As you have discovered - there is no good way to answer the question. If you tell the truth like she did, feelings will be hurt (even if no one is « wrong » to be with someone else and it doesn’t mean anything) and it can implode the relationship. If you lie and you are ever caught in the lie, it can implode the relationship. With maturity comes wisdom. Most people learn to simply not ask or answer the question. It’s irrelevant. Btw - for future reference to save you similar grief - « how many people have you slept with » is another such question. People obsess on the number (it’s too high, it’s too low, etc). Ask about STDs. Ask about attitudes towards sex and casual relationships. Don’t ask for a number. I also think she was highly immature to break up with you in your time of grief. Children do that. They react and need to have their needs met in the moment. With maturity you learn not to ask questions you don’t really want the answer to - and that sometimes you need to put your own needs on ice and put other things first. Now for you... it was also immature of you to disclose the lie in the way that you did (after you broke up when it’s irrelevant). And it sounds like you told her to hurt her, rather than to clear your conscience. You used it like a weapon. There is nothing healthy about this. ... and frankly, it’s kind of outrageous that you gave her SUCH a hard time about it all, when you were “guilty” of the same thing. Honestly, I think it’s over. I think you both need to move on and mature and grow. This relationship is not healthy for either of you.
  15. When you start a relationship with someone, it’s critically important to know and be on the same page about a number of things, IMO. Marriage, babies, the role (or lack of) religion in your lives - and actually - how to handle aging parents, etc. If you are going to walk the path of life together, you need to make sure you are walking the same path. It kind of forms the « contract » and « vision » for your relationship. I don’t think these are things that can be compromised on. It’s your life path. Your relationship « contract » was one of no babies. (Even if he expressed wanting them at some point - this is what he agreed to and decided to come to terms with). I’m not trying to place blame - but I do think that it was unwise to head down the path of looking to change the terms of your relationship without talking about it and making sure you were still on the same page. IMO, this is kind of something you did to yourself... So - now - to your question. What would I do in your shoes? In your shoes, I would stay with my partner. Why? Your child is 7. Having another child at this point - particularly if you need to find a new partner who also wants kids (which may or may not happen) is more than just having another child at this point... it’s having another family. Having children who are about 10 years apart is different. They will not have a traditional sibling relationship where they grew up playing together, etc. While one is off to kindergarten, the other will be in high school. Everyone has a different life path. No two paths are the same. So - while I get the pangs of jealousy (which I think is perfectly normal and healthy, btw) - and kind of the roller coaster of emotions you put yourself on...Do you REALLY want a 2nd family? Diapers? Midnight feedings? The non-stop running of toddlers? Dealing with two children in vastly different places in life with vastly different needs? Not having your autonomy for another 20 years? I wouldn’t - but that’s me. There is no right or wrong answer - but I would acknowledge the feelings as « normal » and look to appreciate my own life path, as twisted as it may have come to be (btw - for what it’s worth - I think most of us end up with kind of twisted paths at some point... life is rarely straightforward).
  16. I’ve never used Tinder specifically - but if it works like the “meet me” feature in POF - I just wanted to point out that some (most?) guys swipe right on everyone just to figure out who the match was... It’s a way to “cheat” the system to reveal their prospects. Once they know who is interested, THEN they decide if they reciprocate. I wouldn’t expect him to tell you this - especially if you originally matched on Tinder. I doubt that confession would be forth-coming. Hence the “I might want to ask you out again one day” without the offer of a date... I would not read anything into it. At all. If he didn’t actually ask you out, it meant nothing (and actually - you initiated it...)
  17. This relationship is over and it needs to stay over. It’s not a good situation for either of you - and quite frankly, I think since she’s a lawyer, you could find yourself in a tough situation if you don’t simply let it end. I do hope that you keep your session with the therapist, though. I’m not trying to be judgey - but you seem to have some very unhealthy coping mechanisms and communication issues. Rather than communicate how you feel and what’s going on, you seem to have a tendency to resort to manipulation and “punishment”. This will never lead to a healthy dynamic. For example (for reflection) - when you were frustrated and left for Home Depot. It’s perfectly reasonable to get frustrated and want to disconnect and cool down. A healthy way to do that is to say “hey - listen - I’m feeling a little flustered. I’m just going to go do some errands and I’ll be back in a bit”. But I’m sure you know this? What happens when you get flustered at work, etc? If you are honest, a part of you wanted to fret and worry and wonder what she did wrong. You wanted to punish her. Another example is when you added additional conditions to wanting to get together. You didn’t really want that. You admit yourself you were trying to be manipulative. The healthy and mature way to deal with this is to discuss and to respect her opinions, experience and boundaries - and accept her right to self-determination - even if it means not getting “your way”. Add to all this that she felt physically threatened (whether you think that’s reasonable or not...) It’s done. IMO - you need to learn how to have mature, difficult conversations with a partner. You need to learn to respect their right to self-determination and individuality. And to me, this is a communication style - not simply a “bad day” (which we are all entitled to have and to be cranky sometimes) if you want to build a healthy relationship with the next person
  18. I think you are on different pages, to be honest. It seems to me that you are looking for a serious, committed relationship. That’s why you are reading all the signs, trying to do things “by the book”, etc. It’s - shall we say - a goal-oriented approach? The vibe I’m getting from him is that he’s enjoying casually getting to know you, seeing where it goes, etc. IMO, you are the one kind of playing games here to try to assess his interest levels. If you wanted to know what the plan was on Saturday, why didn’t you just ask? Instead, you were playing the “high value” game cancelling because there was no set time and place. You cancelled on him, you rejected an offer, now he’s cancelling on you (and to be fair - headaches do sometimes happen). In my experience, relationships rarely get off the ground when one or both of you are playing games. I would just do as j.man suggested and express that you hope he feels better and to leave the ball in his court to reschedule.
  19. I just wanted to echo what others are saying... Personally, I can’t sleep properly all cuddled up. It’s a light nap at best. Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship I will try to make it work - but it will eventually revert to just needing to roll away. And I need my own blankets please. It has nothing to do with how in love I am. Nothing at all. In terms of flipping around... have you asked him about it? I’m thinking 2 things: 1) maybe he’s trying to sleep and you keep trying to move in closer and breathe on him and stuff and he’s just trying to sleep. Or 2) maybe he has sleep apnea or something
  20. I find this conversation fascinating... I can think in images - but it requires a different level of concentration. So - walking around day-to-day, I’m not seeing images in my mind when I’m thinking. I think I would find that very distracting? But if you ask me to imagine a bird, and I close my eyes or I’m staring off into space, or I’m doing some post-yoga meditation or something - yes - I can see images. Like a dream. But it’s definitely a different “part” of my brain or something. I can’t multi-task when I’m imagining things - but I can definitely multi-task when I’m “regular” thinking.
  21. Sometimes I think we (as a species - lol -myself included) tend to overthink relationships. Let’s say you met a guy friend. You hung out with guy friend a couple of times, and then he asks if you want to come with him and his buddies to a show. Would THAT be weird? It’s not weird, IMO. It’s how you meet and get to know people. Don’t read too much into it. You aren’t going as her boyfriend (because you aren’t her boyfriend at this stage). You are just going as some guy she met who she would like to get to know more. I don’t think it’s a pressure situation at all. It’s just something different to do. I say - go and have a good time :)
  22. Woah - yes - this thread took an unhealthy turn. I agree with Wiseman. If someone says that they will kill themselves if you break up with them, that is NOT a romantic gesture. It’s a sign of mental illness (usually depression) that requires medical intervention. The only way out of this is to do what you have to do and call 911 if you feel they may pose a risk to themselves. You can’t allow yourself to be held hostage. BTW - lack of interest in sex can be one of the many symptoms of depression.
  23. I think your role as her friend is not to tell her what to do - but to listen to her talk and let her come to her own conclusions on what to do. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. You only know what she chooses to share with you - and I promise that’s not the full story. There are certainly things in there that you will never fully know or understand. (I know I’m being a bit hypocritical because we all come on here and give advice and opinions all the time) ... but my advice to YOU is - if you care about the friendship - is to tread carefully. If you tell her to stay (and especially if you are insistant) - she may feel unsupported and can distance herself from you too if she feels judged or unhappy. If you tell her to leave, and she doesn’t want to, she could distance herself from you if she chooses to stay. People will do what they want to do in relationships (you see it here all the time - people will ask for advice and not take it). And you can’t “take back” anything you say - those impressions of your opinions will stay with her. The difference is that here - if someone chooses not to take advice and distances themselves a bit to work things out - it does not change our lives at all. My advice to YOU is to support via listening more and advising less if you want to protect your friendship.
  24. I don’t think that you can gauge someone’s sex drive based off the first 3 months in the relationship. MOST relationships are hot and heavy at first. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fun, etc. I think the real gauge is when all of that dies down. That’s the real sex drive. I don’t mean to be all negative, but IMO, it kind of goes downhill from here. If you are having this issues 10 months in, what is going to happen after 20 years? Dating is about assessing if you are compatible. In all honesty, I wouldn’t even try to “fix” this at this juncture. The relationship is too new to be having these problems. I think you need to simply consider whether or not you are compatible and whether once a month or so is something you can be ok with. Again - sorry to be negative - but to me, some things you should simply not try to “fix”. (My response would have been different if you had been married 20 years or something)
  25. I’ve had a ton of hobbies over the years. My big 3 right now are... Dragon boating! Wow! I loooove it! I have never been an athletic person and certainly not a team sports person - but this sport has been perfect for me. It gets you outside, being social, moving around, around a ton of fun people, etc. Everyone I have met has been totally supportive (even if I’m not the best) - and our club likes to do other fun activities too. Volunteering - I help raise funds and do fun activities in support of a children’s hospital. ... and Pokémon Go! I had to laugh a bit when MirrorKnight posted that. I echo everything he said. While I’m certainly older than him (Pokémon did not exist when I was a kid...), it doesn’t really matter. I’ve also met a ton of friends this way - some of my closest friends - and if I’m missing for more than a couple of days, people are definitely messaging me trying to find out where I’m at and to come do this and that. I agree it gets you out walking and being social! PS: @MirrorKnight - are you going to Montreal this weekend?? I can’t wait!! Lol!
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