Job Offer in London!

[Morello]

Hi Katrina

 

Just to clarify, I didn't mean that you expected him to move with you. Bad choice of words from me. I meant to say that, in his head, the fact you wanted to move was already like putting and end to the potential of the relationship, because it would be 'nonsense' in HIS mind (not yours) to consider moving with you or starting a LDR so early on. I'm sure he thought about those possibilities at some point after you mentioned you wanted to move. Frankly, I'd guess he probably took the foot off the gas pedal once you told him you wanted to move, so all his reactions from that point should perhaps be taken with a grain of salt from you. Maybe he has already been treating you as a girlfriend with an expiry date label on it.

 

About his dismissiveness, I understand where you're coming from now. It appears that your recent posts before today were not a true reflection of your relationship at all so I got confused. At first, it seemed to me you were just having a bad day today and over analysing things given the quick change of tide, also influenced by the job offer. And frankly, I also thought some of your recent posts were patronising to other users, chiming in their threads frequently to give examples of your relationship and portraying it to be perfect and how all you did worked well for you, when we now know it was far from the case. All a matter of perspective. I apologise for sounding patronising. I think neither you nor I had the purpose to do so.

 

This is a forum to give and receive advice from 'strangers'. I now understand why some people read advice here and end up doing the complete opposite in their lives. One thing is to comment on others' situations but when it comes to our own, we're all a bit blind. I, at least, can say I've been guilty of the very same crime.

[katrina1980]

Morello, I am a bit confused as to what you meant by my or the "submissiveness" in your second paragraph -- but it does not matter, you are entitled to your opinion even if I believe it does not represent the facts as stated.

 

But I do want to respond re what I have posted about my relationship in prior threads and my advice to others, which I still stand by and honor as truth.

 

Batya expressed the same concern and perhaps you missed my response to her so will repeat here.

 

 

Batya all I will say in response to your last post was that there was a lot I did not share, I preferred to share the positive, and everything I have posted about him, how we met and our relationship was true and is still true.

 

 

There are many different nuances and aspects to our relationship, some positive, some negative.

 

 

In this thread, for the first time, I am sharing a negative, that does not negate all the positive things I feel about him and our relationship, and have posted about.

 

All that said Morello, I am sorry you view my posts to others as patronizing, it's certainly not my intention to come off that way.

 

But again you are entitled to your opinion and I respect that.

[Morello]

Meant dismissiveness. Auto-correct! :)

 

All the best.

[katrina1980]

Oh I see you modified your post from "submissiveness" to "dismissiveness," thanks that makes much more sense.

[katrina1980]

 

This is tough stuff. I used to be an arrogantly dismissive dude, especially two gf's ago. She talked often about moving—to Los Angeles or, you guessed it, London—and I always kind of shrugged it off. When she eventually broke up with me, due in part to feeling unseen, I was just shattered. I couldn't deny where my blinders were on way, way too tight, and made an internal vow to do some adjusting on that moving forward.

 

 

Bc, thanks SO much for sharing this, it's not always easy recognizing certain aspects about ourselves that don't reflect us in a positive light..

 

If I may pick your brain a bit, would you mind sharing what your thought process was when your ex would talk to you about it -- about wanting to move?

 

Please be honest (I know you will be ), but did you think it was some sort of a "shyt test* to elicit a reaction?

 

I've often wondered if my bf thought that, and am also questioning my motivations, if it actually was, unintentionally, on some level.

 

His reaction would certainly indicate he thought it was, or might be, it's hard to know for sure.

 

But we will talk.

[IAmFCA]

When I met my bf he was looking at limitless options. Move somewhere wonderful? Study? Work/study? Buy a house?

 

Now when he talks about moving somewhere, he frames it as we. Bf is a natural politician. I wouldn't bet the house on those words. His shift was intentional, even so, and the couple of times I spoke in individual terms he schooled me. "Either we are a team, or we're not." Well - not at all in such a tone, but that was the message.

 

I say that because, if I said I got this offer to do x and I am going, he would be taken aback. He would protest my singular thinking and he would backpedal his affection to more of a self-serving posture. He loves me for sure; we loved each other well before we started dating. But he wants what he wants, and a woman who is strong, adventurous, entrepreneurial and smart is part of it. Treating a move to foreign lands as an individual choice? He would be gone on the grounds that our needs don't match up well.

 

Bf and I have known each other for 15 years.

 

Your life path is unfolding in exciting ways and you are right to pursue it. The bf? Who knows what he will think about it, over time. He WILL think. Meanwhile, you will be on an exciting new road. Great news.

[Honeycomb8]

Such a shame things with you and the bf are hitting a wall. I don't know why but it seems to me like you might have some mild form of commitment issues? Def go to London though, if that's what your heart wants.

[Batya33]

I agree with Chi on the potential reaction to your telling him early on about a dream to move to Europe. Some people would have a similar dream and or be ready to move in an instant. Most I would guess are not in just situation. Or woodland do it for a brand new relationship or preferred a different country etc.

I also read into your comments what Morello wrote about it coming across as basically perfect and true love and a success story particularly since you contacted him after an initial silence (which I didn’t see as a big deal). I see that you didn’t mean to do that at all but that was my impression too and why I initially commented as I did. Certainly it is an example of meeting someone on an online site and then getting along well and having strong feelings and fun for more than a short term fling which is often the stereotype of online dating and its limitations.

 

I do not react to people posting positives about relationships as presuming it is perfect in the least. It was your particular descriptions and commenting that came across that way which is why your clarification here was so helpful.

 

From what you now describe about your feelings I would absolutely go and see him if you can but only casually and let him move on and you do the same. If you move back after the contract then you can see where things are then. anyway I’m really excited for you - you’re so lucky to have this opportunity as well as very deserving with all of your hard work.

Edited to add. I never found your posts patronizing. You were using your success story as a way to inspire others to for example try a dating web site or initiate contact when others were doubting that as a good idea etc. I know Morello wrote that but I wasn’t referring at all to that aspect of his opinion.

Good luck and I agree with IAmcfa that your boyfriend will give it thought and whether he wants to be long distance or not or some hybrid of that.

[Wiseman2]

Do you want the job? Do you want to live there at least a year? As far as the guy you're dating, most people would not seek out and apply for overseas jobs unless they wanted to do that and saw no reason to stick around for a dating situation. Do what's right for you and follow your own goals and dreams. What if you turned the job offer down and then he dumps you? Who's responsible?

was some sort of a "shyt test* to elicit a reaction? I've often wondered if my bf thought that, and am also questioning my motivations, if it actually was, unintentionally, on some level.

[Seraphim]

How long does it take to get a work visa?

[Starlight925]

FWIW, I do not see this as you having "commitment issues". I feel that to put that on you is dismissive of you and your desires to have a stable LTR, rather than to say that your "lack" of commitment is due to things that you do not see in this, or prior, relationships, that you feel are worthy of your lifetime of commitment.

 

To say that you are commitment-phobic puts the entire onus of backing away from the relationship on you, like it's your fault, like you're the one who needs help getting over your "commitment issues". When in fact, you have found a wonderful guy, but whom you feel is dismissive of certain things that are important to you, and that has caused you to back away from commitment with him.

 

There's a common theme amongst these boards, that once a thread gets over a certain number of pages, people start to bash the OP. It's happened in thread after thread, including my own. OP comes here asking for advice, and eventually, the posters start to say "well OP you're the one with the problem, work on yourself", so in this case, your "commitment issues" have come up so much, that now you yourself are questioning it. When I do not see that as the case. I see you as a girl who'd love a great relationship, and if that leads to long-term, lifetime, then that's what you'd desire.

 

You don't desire casual (nor do I, so I get it), so until you find it, you're a "serial monogamist". That's not a bad thing, quite the contrary. That's someone who spends a certain amount of time in a relationship, then realizes it's not meant for a lifetime, and moves eventually to a different relationship.

 

That also doesn't mean you fear commitment in general, but that you fear commitment with the wrong guy.

[dias]

I am here if this comes real for you ..I

can be your emergency the sh1t has hit the fan I need somewhere to go person ...

I've been so long in the UK and you never said such sweet things to me. You really broke my heart now :(

[bluecastle]

Bc, thanks SO much for sharing this, it's not always easy recognizing certain aspects about ourselves that don't reflect us in a positive light..

 

If I may pick your brain a bit, would you mind sharing what your thought process was when your ex would talk to you about it -- about wanting to move?

 

Please be honest (I know you will be ), but did you think it was some sort of a "shyt test* to elicit a reaction?

 

I've often wondered if my bf thought that, and am also questioning my motivations, if it actually was, unintentionally, on some level.

 

His reaction would certainly indicate he thought it was, or might be, it's hard to know for sure.

 

But we will talk.

 

To put it simply: I just didn't take her seriously when she talked about it. Not because I saw it as test. I kind of saw it as a general venting about life, about the responsibilities of adulthood, about the frustrations of being young and still establishing herself professionally. I saw it as a kind of flightiness, maybe, like a kid who can't sit still at the dinner table.

 

And, from a selfish, oafish, classically male perspective, it wasn't something I was thinking about, and so it couldn't be, you know, serious. I was stubborn, comfortable with my head in my new you what. And no doubt she sensed that, and felt unseen. I say "no doubt" because she and I are great friends—we had lunch a few days ago—and we talk about all this with warmth and laughter.

 

Now, some context. She was 24-27 when we dated; I was 31-33. She'd bounced around jobs, I had a cool "career" etc. of the sort she was chasing in a different industry. So on some level I was doing the thing we all do in ways, and all need to work on doing less, which was viewing her life through the limited prism of my own experience. My gut at the time was that she just needed to grind it out in New York a bit longer, and then she'd have the freedom to move around without having to start over from scratch.

 

My gut told me that I knew what was right more than she did—and, of course, it was that falsehood that really frustrated her, far more than my unwillingness to talk about London or Los Angeles. That's where those talks became a proxy for something else, a symptom of the larger problem between us, the place where we were very good at being boyfriend/girlfriend but were too limited (I was too limited) to elevate it to real partnership.

 

As mentioned, the irony—one we both joke about today—is that when we broke up I moved and she stayed put. I entered a phase of my life I had been dreaming about since I was a teenager, where I could work anywhere, where adventure was constant, where my grinding years gave way to a kind of rooted fleet-footedness. And no doubt her spirit inspired that in me, awoke that dormant dream. And no doubt I kind of hit myself over the head, early on, thinking how fun it would have been to share all that with her and how silly I was for being such an oaf. She, meanwhile, did the grind, established herself, and now, at 33, is preparing to move out of New York because her career is more mobile.

 

So, in ways, we were both right.

 

Which, of course, doesn't matter. Because that's not what relationships are about.

 

They're about listening, respecting, being curious about the other, even when the other has thoughts/feelings/hopes that don't perfectly line up with your own. They're about being always open, and somewhat flexible, to the beautiful and challenging idea that your incredible, mysterious, dynamic partner can see things you don't—in the world, in themselves, even in you. And that vision is the gift you have every day—the place where "I" and "you" becomes "we" and "us"—the profound gift that goes a lot further than hot sex, Netflix, a dinner companion. But accepting that gift, and nourishing it, requires a certain bravery, grace, and humility.

 

Back then I was lacking all that.

 

I was stubborn and cocky. I liked being the one who had figured out more, because that was comfortable. It suppressed my own insecurities, the soft parts of me I wasn't then ready to see and explore, so of course I wasn't ready to share them. It was a layer of depth I wasn't ready to access. It "worked" for us in some ways, because I was the more "sturdy" one, something she very much liked in many ways. But of course that only really worked for so long. It was a dynamic built to be outgrown; its evolution period had a shelf life.

 

That relationship, and that loss, became the key for me to begin accessing greater emotional depths, and to become more open to sharing them, more focused on listening to another and making sure another feels seen and heard as I learn to reveal more of myself as well. It taught me what partnership could be; but I had to grow up. I'm still very much growing up, of course.

[Batya33]

I don't think the OP is commitment phobic, has commitment issues (other than the ones she has identified and I am not saying I "agree" with her assessment I mean that she has wondered herself about whether she has them in an honest, forthright way). I was accused of the exact same thing especially when I hit 30 "maybe you just like dating" "you're too picky" "you're unrealistic about what marriage is" "even if Tom Cruise proposed you'd say no" (this was in 1997). I probably did have issues, I probably got in my own way, quite a bit. And I think people pull the trigger far too fast with the labeling about commitment/emotionally unavailable, etc.

 

To me "serial monogamy" means a person who doesn't choose long term commitment or choose to do the work/put in the effort that often requires but does like being part of an exclusive couple as opposed to wanting the freedom to date around/explore options so the person dates one person at a time usually for less than a year but not for "years" and then moves on to the next but never commits to any semblance of forever. It's different from someone who breaks up after a year or so because it's not going to be forever, and the person wants forever. I.m not commenting on the OP but saw that someone defined it as anyone who dates until it's not right. I understand it differently.

 

I think if your boyfriend actually thought you were serious about applying for overseas jobs and also knew that would be a dealbreaker for him then he stuck around because he was really into you as a shorter term kind of thing and knew it wouldn't be forever. "If" - I guess he'll tell you how he saw it when you get to talk with him. Hope it goes smoothly.

[Andrina]

I once read a book on making major decisions. Think of yourself as an old woman in a rocking chair on a porch and thinking over her life, and maybe it will give you a different perspective on which way to go. At seven months into a relationship, is it really full blown love? To me, you've been infatuated and are probably just now heading into the growing into love part. Another point: From reading your other posts, you never have a problem attracting men. From the outside looking in, you don't have 100 percent confidence that this relationship will work out.

 

Whereas, a magnet is drawing you to London and everything is coming so easily to you that it seems like divine guidance. To me, if a relationship can't sustain a separation, such as military wives have to deal with, then it's not strong to begin with. Just realizing your relationship isn't that strong at this point in time due to it's newness and your doubts, should have you swaying toward the opportunity of a lifetime.

 

As a side note, my brother lives in England and loves it, (I visited him 9 years ago) and his family there owns a vacation home in Nice which I visited a year ago. Whether you live there a year or end up staying, I think the universe is handing you a gift on a silver platter and you will regret it if you don't accept. Good luck.

[ThatwasThen]

The thing is, Katrina I do believe that subconsciously you were going to accept this job no matter what. No one applies for a job they do not want so just bite the bullet, tell your current what has transpired and then let the chips fall where they may.

 

*Looks in crystal ball* I suspect you will revert back to your online "connection" for a while and then eventually that too will fade away.

 

Its all good!

[figureitout23]

I don't think the OP is commitment phobic, has commitment issues (other than the ones she has identified and I am not saying I "agree" with her assessment I mean that she has wondered herself about whether she has them in an honest, forthright way). I was accused of the exact same thing especially when I hit 30 "maybe you just like dating" "you're too picky" "you're unrealistic about what marriage is" "even if Tom Cruise proposed you'd say no" (this was in 1997). I probably did have issues, I probably got in my own way, quite a bit. And I think people pull the trigger far too fast with the labeling about commitment/emotionally unavailable, etc.

 

To me "serial monogamy" means a person who doesn't choose long term commitment or choose to do the work/put in the effort that often requires but does like being part of an exclusive couple as opposed to wanting the freedom to date around/explore options so the person dates one person at a time usually for less than a year but not for "years" and then moves on to the next but never commits to any semblance of forever. It's different from someone who breaks up after a year or so because it's not going to be forever, and the person wants forever. I.m not commenting on the OP but saw that someone defined it as anyone who dates until it's not right. I understand it differently.

 

I think if your boyfriend actually thought you were serious about applying for overseas jobs and also knew that would be a dealbreaker for him then he stuck around because he was really into you as a shorter term kind of thing and knew it wouldn't be forever. "If" - I guess he'll tell you how he saw it when you get to talk with him. Hope it goes smoothly.

 

I agree Bat.

 

I kinda feel like everyone’s freaking out and walking on eggshells. Did y’all do that to me? I don’t think so I’m too much of an a**hole, I’m sure I got the truth 😂😂😂

 

I also noticed the post morello mentioned and you know what? I bet a bunch of others did too. She asked, answer her honestly. Relationship patterns aren’t always negative, and we don’t always notice them, sometimes we need others to point it out to us.

 

Kat you have had more once in a lifetime loves in my time here than I’ve had dates.

 

Im being sarcastic here but only a little. My original impression that I kept to myself and tucked in my pocket, is serial monogamist, but now, thinking back about what you’ve said about your childhood. I wonder if you feel a need to always be perfect? I wonder if I was too quick to label and not hear you words, so I’m sorry for jumping the gun on assumptions if I’m completely off base. But again, to sit here and act like I haven't noticed anything? That would be lying to you.

 

Honestly, I often found your stories to be nauseatingly cute, a bit over the top at times but for the most part super cute and admirable, you were always #relationshiogoals for me.

 

So to go from that to there were problems I didn’t want to divulge.

 

That’s your prerogative. You have every right to not want to delve into your personal life, none of us are obligated to it, but you know what? We also shouldn’t be... exposed... to the perfection of your relationships if that’s not the reality.

 

Especially when someone is down and having issues, they want someone to relate to.

 

No ones perfect here, NO ONE, all the regular posters, we put our best feet forward, we dont want to be looked at like we have things about ourselves that need to be tweaked, for a lack of better words, Ive always gotten the impression posters here wants to be looked...I guess up to? So anytime a flaw is pointed out, its often because gloves are swinging and not often because that regular poster wants to delve into their psyche, but for petes sake we wouldnt have found this site if at one point we didnt need something.

 

There are regular posters here with commitment issues, with unresolved baggage, with an inability to let go of exes, with insecurities. None of us are perfect.

[Starlight925]

Yes, Katrina's been posting on other people's threads about how great her relationship is.

 

And yes, now she's saying, well you know what, there have been issues, I just haven't posted about them.

 

First of all.....sooooo what? She doesn't owe any of us anything. She doesn't have to open up about any issues, or anything at all. There are quite a few posters here who share literally nothing of their lives whatsoever, but who offer a lot of feedback, which is also cool. It's a free message board; posters can use it how they like.

 

Also, and K can correct me if I'm wrong, but this is 7 months in, so she may just be now realizing certain things. Like, maybe now the "new relationship goggles" are coming off, and she's seeing things that she realizes aren't so positive. Guess what....I'm guilty of this too. If you had asked me about my last relationship, this early on, I'd have told you how amazing and wonderful he was. It wasn't until I stopped and realized....oh wait....certain things have been happening that haven't been all sunshine & roses.

 

So to criticize K for posting positive things on others' threads, while now admitting that she's seeing cracks in her own relationship.....well that's just not fair. Or nice.

[SherrySher]

Yes, Katrina's been posting on other people's threads about how great her relationship is

 

I wasn't going to say anything about this because it's going off track, but it is hypocritical to pretend your relationship is so great whilst telling others how it should be.

I know many on here don't have perfection but we don't pretend to.

I do think Kat does going over the top on her personal stories when replying to others, which is why I always wondered why you haven't started a journal?

[HeartGoesOn]

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