katrina1980 Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 Im only on page 4 but Im team London. LOL, thanks!! I knew I could count on you for a chuckle! Even if that wasn't your intention. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 I'd missed this as I was responding. Well, dang. Reading this what I'm sensing is something that has been brewing for a bit—the dismissiveness—with the London offer now serving as a proxy to bring the low simmer to something closer to a boil. You're a bit pre-stressed, anticipating a dismissive reaction from him, no? This is tough stuff. I used to be an arrogantly dismissive dude, especially two gf's ago. She talked often about moving—to Los Angeles or, you guessed it, London—and I always kind of shrugged it off. When she eventually broke up with me, due in part to feeling unseen, I was just shattered. I couldn't deny where my blinders were on way, way too tight, and made an internal vow to do some adjusting on that moving forward. One of the great ironies of that relationship—a touch beautiful, a touch tragic—is that she kind of knew that I needed a change of scenery as much as she did. When we broke up I moved cities, and now, six years later, live in L.A., where she wanted to go. None of that was to impress her—that ship sailed—but for me the lesson was to be more humble, to listen a lot harder, not only to make sure I'm understanding and respecting the woman in front of me, but remaining as open as possible to that wonderful truth—which is that the woman in front of me knows much, much more about life (and perhaps even parts of myself) than I do. So, hey, seeing this from a positive standpoint: this sounds like a really good moment for you guys to see if there's another gear here, just in the way the discussion is handled. Thank you very much for this^ bc. Agree with last paragraph and will update next week after we talk! 😊 Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Thank you!!! You totally get me!! Are you in the UK? I could see us being friends IRL. :) Not only am I not in the UK, but I've never even been there. It's most definitely on my bucket list. I've been to Paris, Hong Kong, Australia.....but never London. And I just know I'd love it. And I know you will too, if you take this opportunity. And meet a cute British guy perhaps. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 If you feel like your bf is consistently dismissing your wants/dreams/needs, and you feel as if he’s shutting you down (for lack of a better term) when it comes to you opening up about these things (i.e. his response to you moving abroad wasn’t just a one-off), then I can definitely appreciate your frustration. Sounds like it could come across as condescending? Either way, wish you luck in your discussions with the bf and with whatever you decide to do. Please keep us ENA folk updated, if you don’t mind! :) I agree with that ^^^ If his "dismissing" you as a rule then Its understandable that you would become disenchanted with him. If it was just about this one thing, then that's another story and I think you're being too hard on him. That being said, I'm not you and if you ARE a serial monogamous then that one thing would probably be enough for you to end things. I hope you have a wonderful year in London... Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 I agree with that ^^^ If his "dismissing" you as a rule then Its understandable that you would become disenchanted with him. If it was just about this one thing, then that's another story and I think you're being too hard on him. That being said, I'm not you and if you ARE a serial monogamous then that one thing would probably be enough for you to end things. I hope you have a wonderful year in London... I really don't want to be a serial monogamist TwT, I mean it's not like I enter into a RL "knowing" it has an end point. I really want it to work long term, ideally forever if things continue to click, that's my goal. My post 74 (everything from "what do I want?" down) explains, but I am hoping when I tell him, he will be supportive and be open to continuing the RL long distance. I would be open to it if our talk goes well, he has the resources and flexible schedule to do so if he wanted. And of course I have the resources to visit him as well. Heck, if you book way in advance, there are great deals on flights. I dunno, that may not be realistic, but it's worth a shot, in my opinion. I don't want to just run which has been my usual MO, course it all depends on how he reacts to the news, cause, as of right now, I am strongly considering accepting the offer!! And thank you very much for the well wishes, much appreciated! 😄 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Many well wishes to you. Fun fact -my husband is 1/4 british (my son 1/8th); husband has been to UK several times and for extended periods of time as a child, son and I have yet to go and I cannot wait to go. Like LHGirl I've been to other places in Europe and also other places overseas but that is on my list so I am inspired by your plan! I have a friend who recently moved to Paris for 3 years also because of an opportunity with her company - and her husband and son joined her even though husband didn't yet have work there. She, like you do, described it as an adventure and a rare opportunity. So far they are having a great time. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 * locks front and back door and seals off garden Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 * locks front and back door and seals off garden Pippy!!!!! LTNS! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Pippy!!!!! LTNS! I know , hiya darling , just a quickie visit , I just happend to be having a look only kidding kat ..I am about 40 mins away on train , look up Milton keynes ..I would come meet you anytime Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I look forward to reading how he responds to your opportunity, Kat. Best of luck that it turns out the way you would like it to. *Wavezzz to Pippy* Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 I know , hiya darling , just a quickie visit , I just happend to be having a look only kidding kat ..I am about 40 mins away on train , look up Milton keynes ..I would come meet you anytime Cool, I will! Getting excited now!! Hey and don't be such a stranger round here!! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 I know , hiya darling , just a quickie visit , I just happend to be having a look only kidding kat ..I am about 40 mins away on train , look up Milton keynes ..I would come meet you anytime Holy Jeebus Girl!! We missed you! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Waves to TWT and vic * massive wave ....I will keep following Kat ...I am here if this comes real for you ..I can be your emergency the sh1t has hit the fan I need somewhere to go person ... I am off to my bed or you bl00dy lot across the river will have me up all night ..hope to come back soon and have a proper catch up ...love to all , sorry for being such a fkin diva hahahahaha xxxxx Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Many well wishes to you. Fun fact -my husband is 1/4 british (my son 1/8th); husband has been to UK several times and for extended periods of time as a child, son and I have yet to go and I cannot wait to go. Like LHGirl I've been to other places in Europe and also other places overseas but that is on my list so I am inspired by your plan! I have a friend who recently moved to Paris for 3 years also because of an opportunity with her company - and her husband and son joined her even though husband didn't yet have work there. She, like you do, described it as an adventure and a rare opportunity. So far they are having a great time. My husband is British heritage. His parents immigrated to Canada in 1959. My grandpa was born in Liverpool. My grandma was from Manchester. My husband has been to England many times since infancy but I have never been nor my son. My son is 3/4British Link to comment
figureitout23 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Im going to need a photo of kat and pippy as soon as she lands. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 Waves to TWT and vic * massive wave ....I will keep following Kat ...I am here if this comes real for you ..I can be your emergency the sh1t has hit the fan I need somewhere to go person ... I am off to my bed or you bl00dy lot across the river will have me up all night ..hope to come back soon and have a proper catch up ...love to all , sorry for being such a fkin diva hahahahaha xxxxx Hugs Love ❤️ Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 13, 2018 Author Share Posted October 13, 2018 I will keep following Kat ...I am here if this comes real for you ..I can be your emergency the sh1t has hit the fan I need somewhere to go person ... lol, I'll keep that in mind, and hey after I get settled in we can hang and watch reruns of Catfish episodes!! Sweet dreams darlin...... good to see you. 😍 Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 14, 2018 Author Share Posted October 14, 2018 I'm only on page 4 but I'm team London. ETA: Ok caught up. Giving advice to regulars can be amazing because, we get such a bigger picture, we know more about you than a drive by poster, theres more empathy and understanding, theres good and bad with that though. We take off our armor and expose ourselves and thats not always fun. Kat, I think you are one of the best posters here and while I don't always agree with you, I always respect you. I also think you are a serial monogamist. No judgement, no criticism, just a basic observation. FWIW, I also dont think its that huge of a deal right now, youre young and beautiful and should be exploring who you are anyway. I think you should go to London and live your best life. I think it will be an amazing experience and I dont think for a second you will regret it. ETA again : I think you and blue have a ton in common, Im interested to see him delve into this topic with you. Wow, I almost missed this, and would have had I not read back, thank you FIO.. Feeling is mutual (as you already know). And yeah it's uncanny how much alike bc and I are, we've become friends and have both acknowledged that too. He messaged to say he would respond later. :) Link to comment
limichelle Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 I came on here just for Pippy. No I’m just kidding lol.... but seriously where have you been Pippy??? Katrina, I feel you because I would hate being dismissed by a significant other about something important and personal too me. I don’t think you’re a serial Monogamist as things just don’t work out and there’s no way of knowing in each relationship you get into. I just think you’re like everyone else looking for love, loyal and willing to see it through. It’s just at the same time because you show someone their worth you want the same in return. I’m sure your boyfriend cares about you and loves you. It’s just you’re on different playing fields of communicating you’re intentions or needs. I could be speculating. London sounds awesome and you should seize the opportunity! If your boyfriend can work it so you two stay together doing ldr then you know. If he can’t then you do what you want to do not stay for him. True love prevails distance. Keep us updated. Sorry not great advice but I tried. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 How exciting!! All these awesome ena ers in the UK .. you all could have a meet up group !:) Something that took me later in life to learn, if something gets you excited and you feel this zest for life at the thought of doing it, Go for it!! Do it!! Wishing you the best Kat. It sounds like a fun opportunity right up your alley. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 FWIW if boyfriend says no to LDR I wouldn't judge his love for you. For certain people it is just a dealbreaker -they know they cannot deal with a relationship where they only see the person once a month or less and you two haven't been together long enough and aren't engaged, etc. It likely would have been a dealbreaker to me and my husband and I were LD for the better part of 2-3 years and the only reason I agreed to it in the first place was because we'd been serious in the past and because we could see each other every 10-14 days. Also because I knew I'd probably have to relocate if we married for his job and I was ok with that. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 You should accept the position. No regrets!!!! :) If the relationship is meant to be, you can revisit it. Link to comment
Morello Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Congrats on the job offer! I'd be thrilled too! I remember when I heard I got a position overseas for a 4 years project. I was dating too and decided to go anyway. Best decision I've made! About your relationship, everyone is different. I'm not sure how his behavior can be considered dismissive from what you described. First, you talked about moving to another country while in a short relationship. First thing that would come to my mind if I was him would be something like "ok, so maybe this doesn't really have a future". He wouldn't move for you because it's too early. It's unlikely he would settle for a (very) long distance relationship for at least a year, also after dating you for less than a year. That's a bit nonsense to expect that, although he could still make that decision. When you brought up your intention to move, that was perhaps a clear incompatibility that he just though didn't need (or shouldn't be) addressed and properly discussed at that point. It's a tough conversation to have, one that would likely lead to you both acknowledging that you are incompatible for a long term relationship. So, again, I don't find him dismissive for not asking further and trying to, like a therapist, get to the root of your willingness to date someone seriously while also wanting to move to another country. That would make me a confused too! Second, you brought up your bipolar disorder, which may be a tough pill to swallow for him in the first months of a relationship, especially a week after he got vulnerable and said he loves you. Not saying you shouldn't have said it. But not saying that he should, again, show interest in your condition and ask you questions about it either. If it was me, I guess I'd probably just say something like "I'm glad you are getting professional support on that and I will be here for you" and change the subject. Maybe he played 'cool' about it so you wouldn't get all nervous about what he really thought when you told him. Had he gotten interested in that, asking you questions, maybe now you'd be thinking he got scared about it and made a bigger deal than it actually was. Blurry line there. Your disorder and how you deal with it are probably better topics for a session with your therapist than with your short-term boyfriend. Both those two topics are serious things. Again, not saying you shouldn't have brought them up, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect very supportive and compassionate reactions from him either. You say you want a guy to love you and understand all of you but you have been dating for 7 months. And he appears to be doing the right things too, based on your previous reports. And he already knows you want to move. Maybe he should have broken up with you when he heard that. You need to look at this from his point of view to. I don't think the situation looks pretty from his angle, to be honest. Having said that, I think you should take the job. It sounds like an amazing thing! But just think a bit more about all the overanalysing you're doing in your relationship and him, jumping to conclusions without even talking to him about these things. I'm also surprised to read now that things were not as good as you portrayed them to be. It sounded like a perfect relationship and now it sounds like you two are highly incompatible. Maybe you were in denial, I don't know. But he came from Mr Perfect to Mr too-flawed-to-date in just a few days. At least as far as your posts went. It's highly likely that you've been acting like that too, unsure, etc. You even called him arrogant. If you keep posting you're gonna mentally break up with him before he even knows there's an issue. Overanalysing is a terrible thing to do. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted October 14, 2018 Author Share Posted October 14, 2018 Thanks Morello, but I invite you to read the entire thread for more information and clarity. I only say that as you either did not read it in its entirety, or misunderstood/misinterpreted many things I posted. For starters I don't expect him to move with me, and never said I did. So to call it *nonsense* is a bit patronizing as well as untrue. And not at all what my concerns about him and our relationship are about. With respect to my bipolar disorder, I am currently not getting *professional* help for it (and again never said I was) I manage (very well) my symptoms on my own and he knows that. I only wish to share my past experiences and struggles and I how I overcame; he does not appear interested and after seven months and him expressing his love for me, seems insensitive to me. And yes dismissive. This was all stated in the thread. While I do appreciate your opinion, and with due respect, I just don't think you understood the situation as I have explained it. Anyway, as I said, we will talk when he returns next week and I will update. But appreciate your taking the time to chime in. :) Link to comment
chitown9 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 I believe I am capable of setting down, but with a man who either shares my nature or attempts to understand it versus thinking I am crazy and tries to squelch it, dismisses it. I don't think that he thought you were crazy or was he dismissing it. I think he just did not want to believe it and that is why he reacted that way. What it really boils down to is: Is he "the one" or not? If you take this job, I would think he is not. chi Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.