Job Offer in London!

[Batya33]

My sense from reading your posts is that you tend to extremes when it comes to relationships. You e posted many times about how you and your boyfriend are some sort of exception because against all odds according to you you reached out to him in the beginning when he went silent and how when things arecrigjtvyoi just clock and it all flows naturally. Now this seems to be an abrupt about face with you now deciding he doesn’t have any desire to know the real you after seven months together. It just seems kind of inconsistent. I get that you were having these do it’s beford you got this exciting job offer and it certainly is exciting - and I also sense life looking for an out which remains consistent for you being willing to stand still. Of course I could have read your past posts wrong and so this could be completely consistent.

 

And his not wanting to know the real you doesn’t seem consistent either with his desire to move on with you.

 

I agree with Dias that if he dismissed your dreams as crazy or refused to listen when you expressed them in serious and concrete terms that might be different. I once dated someone for a few years while I was student teaching. I talked about those kids incessantly. I just loved them. And I proudly showed my boyfriend a class photo and he looked at it and made a racially insensitive remark. I was floored. He was referring to “my” kids and my passion for my future (well it was my intention then). I felt like he could not really know me if he would make that remark about my students especially (or about anyone! But especially about my students). So I get that feeling of whether you really know me.

[katrina1980]

Which is why I think a sit-down, heart-to-heart, no-jokes conversation is in order. He might surprise you. Or, you may get confirmation that he thinks this is all a joke. Either way, you'll know for sure.

 

 

 

I'm thinking (speaking for Katrina here) that this isn't about money, taxes, cost of living, etc. I'm thinking that, even if Katrina takes a bit of a financial loss, this move would still be worth it, because it's been her dream for so long. K, let me know if I'm wrong?

 

No you are not wrong LH, I have visited London many times, love the city, love the people, love the culture, and have been thinking about moving there for a while, like years.

 

But until this opp, which sounds just too good to be true, too many obstacles to overcome, like finding a job, relocating expenses, finding a place to live, immigration issues, etc.

 

So I dunno but this opp, unbelievably, just seemed to fall in my lap!

 

Like my heart is totally racing right now just thinking about it! And my friend and I get on really well too, after we met in Greece, we traveled around Europe for awhile, were together 24/7 for months, and had a blast.

 

And whenever I visit her, same.

[dias]

The salary is about the same as what I make now, in UK currency.

 

Same amount but in pounds? You will have greater buying power in the UK.

[Starlight925]

Again, I do not believe this is about the money, for Katrina.

 

I think Katrina would be equally happy if it caused her to take a bit of a financial loss, as I believe this is something she's wanted for so long, that she's willing to "pay" for it in terms of "loss" of buying power, UK vs. US.

 

K, I'm not trying to speak for you, but I'm thinking this thread is derailing into financial territory, and I don't believe that's your motivation. Am I wrong?

[katrina1980]

Batya all I will say in response to your last post was that there was a lot I did not share, I preferred to share the positive, and everything I have posted about him, how we met and our relationship was true and is still true.

 

There are many different nuances and aspects to our relationship, some positive, some negative.

 

In this thread, for the first time, I am sharing a negative, that does not negate all the positive things I feel about him and our relationship, and have posted about.

[Starlight925]

Again, cross-posted. My #54.

 

Re: your relationship. No, no one here posts every single thing about their relationship. IMHO, you've seen this relationship for every positive that it is, and this is now where, after some time, you're seeing some things you want to question.

 

I do not see this as swinging from one side to another, 180 degrees. It's that we are not living and breathing your relationship daily, as you are. I appreciate your opening up and sharing now.

[katrina1980]

Again, I do not believe this is about the money, for Katrina.

 

I think Katrina would be equally happy if it caused her to take a bit of a financial loss, as I believe this is something she's wanted for so long, that she's willing to "pay" for it in terms of "loss" of buying power, UK vs. US.

 

K, I'm not trying to speak for you, but I'm thinking this thread is derailing into financial territory, and I don't believe that's your motivation. Am I wrong?

 

Thnx LH, yeah the financial aspect is irrelevant, got that covered.

 

But to Dias, yeah quite aware of US dollars versus UK dollars, not an issue.

[annie24]

Again, I do not believe this is about the money, for Katrina.

 

I think Katrina would be equally happy if it caused her to take a bit of a financial loss, as I believe this is something she's wanted for so long, that she's willing to "pay" for it in terms of "loss" of buying power, UK vs. US.

 

K, I'm not trying to speak for you, but I'm thinking this thread is derailing into financial territory, and I don't believe that's your motivation. Am I wrong?

 

I know that the financials weren't what the focus of what her original post was about, but I think it's worth it for Katrina to do the math on it, before she makes the decision, one way or the other. Breaking up with a boyfriend to take a job in a dream city is not an easy thing to navigate. Having a good estimate of the finances might help her tip the balance of that decision.

[katrina1980]

Again, cross-posted. My #54.

 

Re: your relationship. No, no one here posts every single thing about their relationship. IMHO, you've seen this relationship for every positive that it is, and this is now where, after some time, you're seeing some things you want to question.

 

I do not see this as swinging from one side to another, 180 degrees. It's that we are not living and breathing your relationship daily, as you are. I appreciate your opening up and sharing now.

 

Thank you!!! You totally get me!! Are you in the UK? I could see us being friends IRL. :)

[katrina1980]

I know that the financials weren't what the focus of what her original post was about, but I think it's worth it for Katrina to do the math on it, before she makes the decision, one way or the other. Breaking up with a boyfriend to take a job in a dream city is not an easy thing to navigate. Having a good estimate of the finances might help her tip the balance of that decision.

 

Honestly it's not an issue annie, but thanks. I'd rather not share why it's not, but it's covered. :)

[annie24]

Honestly it's not an issue annie, but thanks. I'd rather not share why it's not, but it's covered. :)

 

ok no problem. As long as you have that figured out. So..... it sounds like you're going to London? I do love London, it has a lot of excitement and energy, I've visited a few times. I lived in SoCal myself, I miss it sometimes, but not enough to move back. :)

[ThatwasThen]

I never said "on board" with it, come on.

 

I said attempt to *understand* my nature versus dismissing, making a joke about it.

My point? You are expecting too much from someone who is just getting to know you IMO. You've only been dating a few months and it's unreasonable (I think) for him to "understand" your nature in general never mind in this one particular area regarding your dreams. People say things and more times than not, they are just words.

 

Did you read my post on page two before the one you quoted? It touches on what you consider him "dismissing."

[katrina1980]

My point? You are expecting too much from someone who is just getting to know you IMO. You've only been dating a few months and it's unreasonable (I think) for him to "understand" your nature in general never mind in this one particular area regarding your dreams. People say things and more times than not, they are just words.

 

Did you read my post on page two before the one you quoted? It touches on what you consider him "dismissing."

 

Perhaps I am not articulating myself well or something is getting lost in translation but what I said was "attempt" to understand my nature, versus making a joke and dismissing when I open up about myself which believe me is not easy for me.

 

Of course I don't expect him to fully understand my nature but for the love of *, the least he could do is take what I say seriously in an attempt to understand.

 

And no it's not "too soon" for him or anyone to attempt to learn about and understand their partner, how the hell do people learn about each other if they don't listen or take them seriously?

 

It doesn't thrill me to say this, cause he's a good man and treats me well, but I find his dismissive attitude arrogant.

 

It doesn't matter where it comes from, fear, denial whatever, it makes me feel like ****, like who I am and what I am about is of no interest to him unless it fits in with his image of me. This is not the only time this has happened.

 

If you disagree that's fine, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

That said, I appreciate your opinions, thanks for chiming in. :)

[Batya33]

Batya all I will say in response to your last post was that there was a lot I did not share, I preferred to share the positive, and everything I have posted about him, how we met and our relationship was true and is still true.

 

There are many different nuances and aspects to our relationship, some positive, some negative.

 

In this thread, for the first time, I am sharing a negative, that does not negate all the positive things I feel about him and our relationship, and have posted about.

 

Oh ok! I did not know you were being selective to that extent. I didn't get that from your past posts that there was anything so negative that it could sway you in favor of ending it to move to another city but of course that was just my take. I completely agree with LHgirl that of course we don't get the whole picture from what is posted - the way you emphasized how things just clicked and now flow and how it showed how you could find the right person, etc. made your posts now rather surprising. It wasn't just because you were posting positives it was how you framed it and obviously I misinterpreted as far as my take on the spin and framing -my bad! Now I understand how and why you posted about those positives -thanks for clarifying! I also appreciate your opening up -your take on how someone else should react to your expressed dreams is really interesting!

[boltnrun]

Do you think he feels the same way you do about how the relationship is going?

 

Or is he blissfully unaware of your doubts?

 

Just wondering about this.

[katrina1980]

Thanks B.

 

And just to clarify it's *not* how someone else "should" react to my opening up about my dreams and nature, it's how *I* need the man I am involved with, becoming serious with, to react.

 

I really need him to want to learn about me, attempt to understand me, not just with respect to my dreams but my nature in general (which isn't always pretty) and after seven months, when the blinders start coming off, I am realizing he doesn't do that, which hurts and troubles me.

 

When he returns, I will have that "sit down" with him to discuss and also tell him about my job offer.

 

Wish me luck and thanks everyone! You have really helped me put things in perspective, as per usual.

[katrina1980]

Just wondering about this.

 

I don't think he is aware, tbh, i may have been in denial too. But when I received the offer, and with him gone, I started thinking about everything more closely.

 

When he returns, I will initiate a serious talk and let him know my feelings and learn how he feels as well.

[Batya33]

Thanks B.

 

And just to clarify it's *not* how someone else "should" react to my opening up about my dreams and nature, it's how *I* need the man I am involved with, becoming serious with, to react.

 

I really need him to want to learn about me, attempt to understand me, not just with respect to my dreams but my nature in general (which isn't always pretty) and after seven months, when the blinders start coming off, I am realizing he doesn't do that, which hurts and troubles me.

 

When he returns, I will have that "sit down" with him to discuss and also tell him about my job offer.

 

Wish me luck and thanks everyone! You have really helped me put things in perspective, as per usual.

 

OK I understand! From what you posted previously it seemed that was not an issue. Maybe it wasn't and now it is. I get it. Good luck!

[katrina1980]

OK I understand! From what you posted previously it seemed that was not an issue.

 

Thnx again B.

 

I don't believe I ever posted about this previously; the only time I ever posted a negative which wasn't even really a negative was when he was dismissive (initially) about my nosebleeds.

 

I was in denial about many things, my bad, had blinders on.

 

But when thinking back, whenever I tried opening up about anything that did not fit in with his image of me, he either made a joke or would subtlety change the subject.

 

Like my bipolar for example. I tried opening up about it more, what I have experienced, but he did not want to hear about that either, which now that I think about it, makes me feel like crying.

 

Granted I am fine now and manage my systems well, but am I expecting too much to want him to be interested in that, supportive of what I went through and how I overcame?

 

I brought this up after five months, after he told me he loved me for the first time. Not immediately after, about a week later.

 

Was this too soon to let him in on that? Am I really expecting too much wanting him to care?

[bluecastle]

Chiming in late here...

 

First things first: congrats, congrats, congrats!

 

I hope you're giving yourself a moment to just savor the sweetness of this, whatever course you take. As someone who is prone to dreaminess, but equally prone to wrestling those dreams in reality, hats off to you! This is you living your life at its best, on your terms, cultivating horizon magic as you know how.

 

So brav-the-f-O! Consider this digital friend inspired!

 

Now, to the conundrum.

 

Reading between the lines, I'm catching a whiff of something here, a paradox of sorts. On one hand, it's clear you're very torn about this relationship, in love, excited, all the good stuff; but on another, it sounds like you're operating with just a bit of built-in expiration date.

 

I understand the frustration of feeling like this might be a part of you that he doesn't see, or half refuses to see, because it doesn't jibe with his image of you and hopes for you guys. Maybe he wants to minimize your wanderlust as just, well, just that—a kind of whimsical streak more than a deep, who-you-are streak. And, of course, that minimization likely comes from a vulnerable place: much as he's the ultra-confident, roll-with-it photographer, I'm sure somewhere in there is a caveman who really does not want to lose you.

 

And, who knows, maybe you've played into that a bit? Not simply because you don't want to rock the boat, but because that's your nature: having a light touch, even when it comes to serious matters. I know I do that, which is to say I may be projecting, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

My q here is: What do YOU want? Like, does part of you want to move to London AND see if things could work? Is there any way your schedules could work? Is it worth seeing how that kind of conversation could go, now that an abstraction has verged into reality? I don't know. I just kind of feel like there's a layer of depth that could be explored here—one that maybe you're a bit scared to explore?

 

Semi related, as you pick this over.

 

My gf has a job opportunity on the other side of the country, come Jan. About half a year. She owns a home over there, and the job would be exciting. We're newer than y'all, as you know, so I'm expressing only excitement for her, support about whatever choice she makes. And that's genuine. I adore her big, crazy life because I also have a big, crazy life. But deep down I already know that if we're still going strong in two months that I would happily decamp for that new city for a bit. She'd probably be very shocked to read that sentence—me being Mr. Independent—but just putting that out there to say that, who knows, maybe past your bf's jokey exterior is someone with more latitude on this than you know?

[milly007]

Perhaps I am not articulating myself well or something is getting lost in translation but what I said was "attempt" to understand my nature, versus making a joke and dismissing when I open up about myself which believe me is not easy for me.

 

Of course I don't expect him to fully understand my nature but for the love of *, the least he could do is take what I say seriously in an attempt to understand.

 

And no it's not "too soon" for him or anyone to attempt to learn about and understand their partner, how the hell do people learn about each other if they don't listen or take them seriously?

 

It doesn't thrill me to say this, cause he's a good man and treats me well, but I find his dismissive attitude arrogant.

 

It doesn't matter where it comes from, fear, denial whatever, it makes me feel like ****, like who I am and what I am about is of no interest to him unless it fits in with his image of me. This is not the only time this has happened.

 

If you disagree that's fine, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

That said, I appreciate your opinions, thanks for chiming in. :)

 

If you feel like your bf is consistently dismissing your wants/dreams/needs, and you feel as if he’s shutting you down (for lack of a better term) when it comes to you opening up about these things (i.e. his response to you moving abroad wasn’t just a one-off), then I can definitely appreciate your frustration. Sounds like it could come across as condescending?

 

Either way, wish you luck in your discussions with the bf and with whatever you decide to do.

 

Please keep us ENA folk updated, if you don’t mind! :)

[bluecastle]

Perhaps I am not articulating myself well or something is getting lost in translation but what I said was "attempt" to understand my nature, versus making a joke and dismissing when I open up about myself which believe me is not easy for me.

 

Of course I don't expect him to fully understand my nature but for the love of *, the least he could do is take what I say seriously in an attempt to understand.

 

And no it's not "too soon" for him or anyone to attempt to learn about and understand their partner, how the hell do people learn about each other if they don't listen or take them seriously?

 

It doesn't thrill me to say this, cause he's a good man and treats me well, but I find his dismissive attitude arrogant.

 

It doesn't matter where it comes from, fear, denial whatever, it makes me feel like ****, like who I am and what I am about is of no interest to him unless it fits in with his image of me. This is not the only time this has happened.

 

If you disagree that's fine, we'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

That said, I appreciate your opinions, thanks for chiming in. :)

 

I'd missed this as I was responding.

 

Well, dang.

 

Reading this what I'm sensing is something that has been brewing for a bit—the dismissiveness—with the London offer now serving as a proxy to bring the low simmer to something closer to a boil. You're a bit pre-stressed, anticipating a dismissive reaction from him, no?

 

This is tough stuff. I used to be an arrogantly dismissive dude, especially two gf's ago. She talked often about moving—to Los Angeles or, you guessed it, London—and I always kind of shrugged it off. When she eventually broke up with me, due in part to feeling unseen, I was just shattered. I couldn't deny where my blinders were on way, way too tight, and made an internal vow to do some adjusting on that moving forward.

 

One of the great ironies of that relationship—a touch beautiful, a touch tragic—is that she kind of knew that I needed a change of scenery as much as she did. When we broke up I moved cities, and now, six years later, live in L.A., where she wanted to go. None of that was to impress her—that ship sailed—but for me the lesson was to be more humble, to listen a lot harder, not only to make sure I'm understanding and respecting the woman in front of me, but remaining as open as possible to that wonderful truth—which is that the woman in front of me knows much, much more about life (and perhaps even parts of myself) than I do.

 

So, hey, seeing this from a positive standpoint: this sounds like a really good moment for you guys to see if there's another gear here, just in the way the discussion is handled.

[figureitout23]

I'm only on page 4 but I'm team London.

 

ETA: Ok caught up.

 

 

Giving advice to regulars can be amazing because, we get such a bigger picture, we know more about you than a drive by poster, theres more empathy and understanding, theres good and bad with that though.

 

We take off our armor and expose ourselves and thats not always fun.

 

Kat, I think you are one of the best posters here and while I don't always agree with you, I always respect you. I also think you are a serial monogamist. No judgement, no criticism, just a basic observation.

 

FWIW, I also dont think its that huge of a deal right now, youre young and beautiful and should be exploring who you are anyway. I think you should go to London and live your best life. I think it will be an amazing experience and I dont think for a second you will regret it.

 

ETA again : I think you and blue have a ton in common, Im interested to see him delve into this topic with you.

[katrina1980]

Chiming in late here...

 

And, who knows, maybe you've played into that a bit? Not simply because you don't want to rock the boat, but because that's your nature: having a light touch, even when it comes to serious matters. I know I do that, which is to say I may be projecting, so take that with a grain of salt.

 

 

My gf has a job opportunity on the other side of the country, come Jan. About half a year. She owns a home over there, and the job would be exciting. We're newer than y'all, as you know, so I'm expressing only excitement for her, support about whatever choice she makes. And that's genuine. I adore her big, crazy life because I also have a big, crazy life. But deep down I already know that if we're still going strong in two months that I would happily decamp for that new city for a bit. She'd probably be very shocked to read that sentence—me being Mr. Independent—but just putting that out there to say that, who knows, maybe past your bf's jokey exterior is someone with more latitude on this than you know?

 

Hey bc thanks for chiming in, I was hoping you would!

 

First paragragh, yeah you got me down, specifically re "the lighter touch" approach even concerning serious matters.

 

That is very much my nature and am amazed you get that, even if you were projecting.

 

Second paragraph, it's so admirable how much you support your gf in all her endeavors even if/when they don't jibe with yours. This was apparent on your thread discussing her and your RL too.

 

To me, that's "seeing" her, which is what I want from my bf. For him to "see" me. The real me, not the image he has of me.

 

My bad for not letting him in on how I felt about that, but perhaps this opp is just the kick in the arse I needed to do that. To take the blinders off and see "him" too, and how imperfect he is.

 

What do I want? I want to explore this opportunity. I would also like him to be supportive of that and being that he works for himself, visit as often as he could (he has the resources to do so).

 

I would also like him to listen to me when I share something about myself that makes him uncomfortable, things as I said earlier, aren't so pretty. Things that do not fit in with his image of me.

 

I am quite aware of images and pretending and have really strived to be real with him. So when it's met with a somewhat dismissuve attitude, no matter where it stems from, it does hurt tbh. Causes me to not want to open up anymore.

 

Course with my "lighter touch" approach, I just let it roll off. Which isn't good cause it only builds which leads to resentment.

 

I am still learning and really want to do this RL thing *right* this time, so as I said when he returns we will talk.

 

Thanks bc!!

[Jibralta]

https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/compare_cities.jsp?country1=United+States&city1=Los+Angeles%2C+CA&country2=United+Kingdom&city2=London

 

Cool website!!