Job Offer in London!

[ThatwasThen]

Well if that is what his thought process is about me and my thoughts, dreams, fantasies, or whatever, then I think I'll take a pass. It's insulting and does not foster true emotional intimacy, imo

 

I'm not just *someone* who discusses my dreams and desires just to talk.

 

It's part of my nature to dream, and for the wanderlust, and if he doesn't care or just thinks I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth for the hell of it, no thank you.

Just a thought! Were you thinking this of him prior to your job offer?

[katrina1980]

Just a thought! Were you thinking this of him prior to your job offer?

 

Yes! Very much so, it has been really troubling me TwT.

[dias]

Well if that is what his thought process is about me and my thoughts, dreams, fantasies, or whatever, then I think I'll take a pass. It's insulting and does not foster true emotional intimacy, imo

 

I'm not just *someone* who discusses my dreams and desires just to *talk.*

 

I am his gf, a woman he claims to love, and it's part of my nature to dream, and for the wanderlust.

 

And if he doesn't care or just thinks I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth for the hell of it, no thank you.

 

Thnx B, probably wasn't your intention, but you just brought me closer to making my decision. The right decision.

I disagree here. Don't make your bf look "bad" just because he didn't take something you said very seriously. I mean, we all say things that imagine crazy to others and they laugh. It's not because they are bad people or anything (or that they don't take us seriously), it's that most people wouldn't even dream themselves to do something like this and therefore don't believe that others will/can do it.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes! Very much so, it has been really troubling me TwT.

 

Then I refer you back to my first post about end dating goals and implying that dating exclusively/seriously with strings attached when you have the kind of wanderlust you have isn't boding well for you or your serious partner(s).)

 

Time to talk to him and see what he is thinking about your offer. I think the conversation will lead you to making a solid decision.

 

Good luck. It sounds like a great opportunity and you have the support system already in place in London so that will make the transition quite a bit more easy for you.

[katrina1980]

Ask youself this question:

 

What are you going to regret the most: breaking up with your bf or not seizing the opportunity?

 

I am not the best person to give you advices since I stay single because I want to seize chances like this without something holding me back.... But you are different.When do you have to reply? Think it thoroughly before you answer to them.

 

I am actually not all that different from you dias.

 

I have some time to make my decision, I received the offer yesterday and told them I need time to consider (there are other things involved like salary, benefits etc) and will get back to them by end of next week.

[Batya33]

Well if that is what his thought process is about me and my thoughts, dreams, fantasies, or whatever, then I think I'll take a pass. It's insulting and does not foster true emotional intimacy, imo

 

I'm not just *someone* who discusses my dreams and desires just to *talk.*

 

I am his gf, a woman he claims to love, and it's part of my nature to dream, and for the wanderlust.

 

And if he doesn't care or just thinks I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth for the hell of it, no thank you.

 

Thnx B, probably wasn't your intention, but you just brought me closer to making my decision. The right decision.

 

I know lots of people including my husband who say things that seem random to me and not serious or might recount a dream they had the other night, a dream they once had and there might be that kind of wistful trailing off. I wasn't there to hear the conversation and this is a new relationship and perhaps you were expecting him to seize on a dream you mentioned and read your mind about how seriously you meant it. Many of us for example have been to Paris and said "wow I could live here!" in the moment and some of us actually mean it and some of us mean it only for the moment and it passes. After only 7 months of dating (and you seem to have told him this much earlier) I think you're expecting too much - he didn't love you then or if he said he did he certainly didn't know you well despite your feelings. It's not about not caring in the least (it might be but it doesn't need to be) .

 

It might be part of your nature to dream and for the wanderlust and please respect that it might be part of his nature to focus more on what someone says concretely, in the here and now, in reality as opposed to recounting dreams or musings - I love to follow up on dreams or musings with my friends and I can see where it might be confusing for other people who are more here and now/reality -based despite caring a lot. And yes it's fun to talk just to talk sometimes - why not? Part of being close with someone is knowing when they're just rambling maybe or musing or dreaming and being close enough and caring enough to NOT hold them to it as if it were some kind of commitment or even close.

 

Yes, if you want someone who from very early on can discern what you mean when you verbalize your current thought process ,dreams, desire for wanderlust then he is not the guy for you. Most likely it will be someone who enjoys doing the same and who puts equal emphasis on dreams vs. concrete plans when listening to their close friend or partner and who knows that that person never just rambles, or muses, or expresses more of a wish that is not that realistic than something that they mean deeply. He is not that person seems like. And you might be looking for an excuse to end things and go? If he's not willing to do long distance for a year I don't blame him and at the same time it might be telling about his level of commitment. Might- some people just know they are not at all cut out for long distance for a whole year and that's totally fine.

[katrina1980]

I disagree here. Don't make your bf look "bad" just because he didn't take something you said very seriously. I mean, we all say things that imagine crazy to others and they laugh. It's not because they are bad people or anything, it's that most people wouldn't even dream themselves to do something like this and therefore don't believe that others will/can do it.

 

I don't think he's "bad" just not for me as I really need the man I am involved with, considering becoming serious with, to want to listen to me, get to know *me* and take me seriously when I talk about my dreams, desires, my nature.

 

And not just dismiss it as being meaningless "talk." Or "crazy" which yeah is precisely what he thought!

 

If you don't need that in your relationship I respect that, but I do, it's super important to me.

[ThatwasThen]

I am actually not all that different from you dias.

Well you are different because Dias dates casually whereas you date seriously.

If you want to travel and take on exciting opportunities that fulfil your dreams then dating casually would be a better choice for you and it would save you and any serious partner the emotions you are going through and those he will be going through, no doubt.

[katrina1980]

Well you are different because Dias dates casually whereas you date seriously.

If you want to travel and take on exciting opportunities that fulfil your dreams then dating casually would be a better choice for you and it would save you and any serious partner the emotions you are going through and those he will be going through, no doubt.

 

I know but I'm torn cause I don't enjoy or get anything out of casual dating.

 

I'm thinking I need a man who shares my desire for the wanderlust, or at the very least attempts to understand it versus just thinking I am "crazy" and dismissing, not even wanting to talk about it.

[dias]

I don't think he's "bad" B, just not for me as I really need the man I am involved with, considering becoming serious with, to want to listen to me, get to know *me* and take me seriously when I talk about my dreams, desires, my nature.

 

And not just dismiss it as being meaningless "talk." Or "crazy" which yeah is precisely what he thought!

 

If you don't need that in your relationship I respect that, but I do, it's super important to me.

 

 

Believe me, I am a huge dreamer and I do understand you. I am just telling you how generally people react when you tell them about crazy plans ( in my experience). I've been laughed at for these kind of things countless times.

 

This issue with your bf is a seperate issue, it just surfaced now because this opportunity emerged. Maybe it's a good chance to solve it now.

[katrina1980]

deleted, got posts mixed up, ugh!!

[katrina1980]

Believe me, I am a huge dreamer and I do understand you. I am just telling you how generally people react when you tell them about crazy plans ( in my experience). I've been laughed at for these kind of things countless times.

 

This issue with your bf is a seperate issue, it just surfaced now because this opportunity emerged. Maybe it's a good chance to solve it now.

 

I get that but I am not just "people" I am his gf, a woman he claims to love, it's different from random chit chat from "people."

[dias]

I get that but I am not just "people" I am his gf, a woman he claims to love, it's different from random chit chat from "people."

 

With people I meant everyone. Damn, even my brother laughs sometimes when I tell him I will do X,Y,Z until I actually do them.

 

If you move to London he will take you seriously whether he likes it or not. Foolproof method lol

[annie24]

Boyfriend aside, have you done a comparison for the cost of living? what is the offer you are getting, and how would you come out financially, considering everything (rent, immigration, moving, cost of living)?

[ThatwasThen]

I know but I'm torn cause I don't enjoy or get anything out of casual dating.

 

I'm thinking I need a man who shares my desire for the wanderlust, or at the very least attempts to understand it versus just thinking I am "crazy" and dismissing, not even wanting to talk about it.

 

But did he "dismiss" you and not want to talk about it or was his apathy about your dreams just make you think he was dismissing you? If he said "look I don't want to talk about this" that would be dismissing you and your asperations. If he said: "I think you're whack for wanting to move your whole life" then that would be thinking you're crazy. Not being as enthusiastic about your desires when they are at the "just words" stage, isn't dismissing in itself.

[katrina1980]

With people I meant everyone. Damn, even my brother laughs sometimes when I tell him I will do X,Y,Z until I actually do them.

 

If you move to London he will take you seriously whether he likes it or not. Foolproof method lol

 

Again I know my brothers do same with me, lol. The only one who never did was my late dad, he always took everything I said seriously. And would try to understand and advise.

 

The more I think about this, the more I believe I am capable of setting down, but with a man who either shares my nature or attempts to understand it versus thinking I am crazy and tries to squelch it, dismisses it.

 

Tnx for your support though d, much appreciated!

[ThatwasThen]

I get that but I am not just "people" I am his gf, a woman he claims to love, it's different from random chit chat from "people."

 

I'll say to that ^^^ Love may be unconditional but all relationships have conditions. Its expecting too much from someone you've only known such a short period of time to be onboard with everything you desire or dream about.

[katrina1980]

Boyfriend aside, have you done a comparison for the cost of living? what is the offer you are getting, and how would you come out financially, considering everything (rent, immigration, moving, cost of living)?

 

That's what I am considering; however living with my friend in London, I would live virtually rent-free, although I would of course give her money for living expenses, etc just no rent or low rent which would save me a lot.

 

The salary is about the same as what I make now, in UK currency.

 

Also, the company would pay for relocation expenses, which is standard.

[katrina1980]

I'll say to that ^^^ Love may be unconditional but all relationships have conditions. Its expecting too much from someone you've only known such a short period of time to be onboard with everything you desire or dream about.

 

I never said "on board" with it, come on.

 

I said attempt to *understand* my nature versus dismissing, making a joke about it.

 

If he did that, I would feel more understood, more supported and as such, might not even want to go!!

[annie24]

would the salary be the same after taxes? plus there is the cost of moving there (and maybe back)? If the salary is the same, then my guess is that you will take a financial hit, because London is very expensive to live in (I'm sure you already know that). Would the job be good for your career? This is all aside from the issues with the boyfriend and fulfilling the dream of living in London.

[katrina1980]

would the salary be the same after taxes? plus there is the cost of moving there (and maybe back)? If the salary is the same, then my guess is that you will take a financial hit, because London is very expensive to live in (I'm sure you already know that). Would the job be good for your career? This is all aside from the issues with the boyfriend and fulfilling the dream of living in London.

 

I live in southern Cali, one of the most expensive places to live in the world! Cost of living is higher here and don't even get me started about the outrageously high taxes I pay.

[milly007]

I get that but I am not just "people" I am his gf, a woman he claims to love, it's different from random chit chat from "people."

 

Katrina, congrats on the job offer! Awesome news.

 

Question...do you think that your boyfriend’s comments were coming from a place of denial? I mean, if you two love each other, maybe he’s in denial that you’d actually be willing to walk away from the relationship to take a job/move abroad? What may have been interpreted as him being dismissive, may be him living in denial?

 

Sometimes it’s just easier for some of us to express ourselves in a passive way, than to be honest and up front about how we actually feel.

 

Maybe he was just nervous, in denial, or just playing Mr. Cool?

[Starlight925]

I said attempt to *understand* my nature versus dismissing, making a joke about it.

 

If he did that, I would feel more understood, more supported and as such, might not even want to go!!

 

Which is why I think a sit-down, heart-to-heart, no-jokes conversation is in order. He might surprise you. Or, you may get confirmation that he thinks this is all a joke. Either way, you'll know for sure.

 

would the salary be the same after taxes? plus there is the cost of moving there (and maybe back)? If the salary is the same, then my guess is that you will take a financial hit, because London is very expensive to live in (I'm sure you already know that). Would the job be good for your career? This is all aside from the issues with the boyfriend and fulfilling the dream of living in London.

 

I'm thinking (speaking for Katrina here) that this isn't about money, taxes, cost of living, etc. I'm thinking that, even if Katrina takes a bit of a financial loss, this move would still be worth it, because it's been her dream for so long. K, let me know if I'm wrong?

[boltnrun]

Do you think he feels the same way you do about how the relationship is going?

 

Or is he blissfully unaware of your doubts?

[annie24]

https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/compare_cities.jsp?country1=United+States&city1=Los+Angeles%2C+CA&country2=United+Kingdom&city2=London