Is he a commitment phobe or just not into me? Cannot tell

[lalalalies]

Hello.

 

I'm really glad to find a place to vent this thing that no friends of mine are interested to hear

(All they say is dump him)

 

I met a guy at a friend's party.

 

He pursued me. We went on a date and went really well.

I did notice he wasn't a texter. He either responds really late and after a date

I don't hear from him at all for a full week. (never said "i had a nice time" or

"hope you got home okay" anything like that)

by the third date, I started liking him. Like I kept thinking about him and wishing to hear

from him more than once a week.

He changed a plan last minute for our fourth date. I was hesitant, I had an appointment

that night and had to work during the day. He said He will be taking a day off that day.

because I really wanted to see him (I was only meeting him once a week or every 10 days)

so I told him i will also call in sick too. Which turned out to be a huge mistake.

He acted all indifferent that day, so I asked him If he likes me. He said he does because I'm nice

but after that, he acted even more indifferent and told me that I can't stay over.

After I got home from the appointment, it really bothered me so I texted him If everything is okay

and If I did anything wrong, He responded 2 days later, broke up with me saying he can't be

serious right now.

 

We talked a bit more and decided to be friends.

So after 3 weeks of not seeing him, I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He pursues me again.

really affectionate and etc.

But since the fourth date, he just won't text me like he did before. I wait usually a week to 10 days

so I text him, we make plans, he cancels last minute. Like EVERY TIME.

reasons varying from headaches, too tired from work, rather play video games alone (this really

enraged me)

so I tell him okay, whatever, you do you. that's when he tells me to come over.

 

I was getting fed up with this and earlither this year, my texts have been ignored for two weeks.

so I asked him politely why my texts have been ignored. He broke up with me again saying

"It's just not fair I treat you this way"

We argued back and forth. So I told him, I guess we are just friends now. I enjoy our friendship and believe you do too.

and then he tells me to come over again. I went over and He was like all affectionate and said "Sorry for being weird"

(he was a bit drunk at the time)

the next morning, I told him. from now on, you text me. I won't text anymore. I don't think me texting first works.

He said "will see"

 

It's been 8 days and I haven't heard from him. and I'm not gonna text him. It gives me anxiety.

But it also makes me nervous because I feel like he will never text me and start pursuing other girls

if I don't text him.

 

What's his game? Is he a commitment phobe or just not into me? or combination of both?

 

I still like him and i believe there are some things that are my fault (like texting him first, being available for him all the time

- but we so rarely see each other like twice a month and two occasions, I already had plans with friends so I had to cancel

plans with friends to go see him. Because I knew it will take another 2-3 weeks to meet him If I say "No, I already made plans

with friends".

 

He's charming and very nice when I'm with him. that's why I don't wanna give him up yet.

But... should I? I honestly don't know what to do and I have no one else to ask advice for this. I feel helpless.

and I know I'm an idiot.

[ThatwasThen]

What's his game? Is he a commitment phobe or just not into me? or combination of both?

He's simply using you for a booty call and then gets silent and backs off to make sure you understand that you are good to have sex with but don't expect anything more then that from him.

 

He's charming until he gets laid and then he's back to making sure you don't mistake his lust for love.

 

Send him a final text telling him that you are ending this little 'friendship' you've got going because you're looking for someone that actually cares for you. Then block and delete him so you can get over your addiction to him.

 

Do not fall for any further texts should he invite you over. Just ignore and move on. This 'thing' you have going on is going no where past what its currently at.

[boltnrun]

He's just not into you.

 

Your friends are right.

[figureitout23]

I would say dump him but it seems to be a game with you two and he doesn't seem to take it seriously. Block and delete.

[StrawberryCake]

He’s not in to you. And he also doesn’t even care about you.

Block, ignore, move on.

You deserve so much better!

[Silverbirch]

He's not that into you, and you have also made a mistake in being overenthusiastic very early in dating.

[milly007]

He doesn't care about you. He only cares about his own needs and contacts you when it's convenient for him.

 

He knows that he'll get his way, which is why he continues to do it, while manipulating you.

 

I'd stop communicating with him altogether.

[chattygirl]

Did things turn sexual?

 

I have to agree with the others in the thread though. He's not serious and best bet would be to cut him loose if that's what you're looking for.

[limichelle]

Yeah block and move on.

 

I think that's the best thing to do. You're friends are right.

[Annia]

He's just not into you.

 

Your friends are right.

 

I second this. He's just not that into you... don't excuse that with him being a "committementphobe" and leave him.

[Annia]

"I guess we are just friends now. I enjoy our friendship and believe you do too" - btw, what friendship? You're not friends nor you have or had a relationship. He's a waste of your time.

 

Also, this is problematic: " I already had plans with friends so I had to cancel plans with friends to go see him" . It is worth taking a look at this behaviour and your boundaries. Friends should be above any man, especially one you're just going on "dates" once in a while.

 

Also, he's not playing any game... he's just not interested but still giving you enough to call you when he pleases so that you come to his house and have sex with him if he wants it. Give yourself more value but check your boundaries and neediness issues before we begin dating again. As demonstrated by this, I think you're not ready to date yet. However with time and some work, you'll be able to have an healthy relationship. And yes, even though that neediness and lack of boundaries is a problem, it's not your fault that he's not interested... you didn't ruin anything because he was never interested in the first place. However you didn't show him the door when he started taking you as a granted once in a while booty call, so it taught him that it's ok to put bellow minimum effort because you always come back and always excuse everything and you even go to his house when he wants and cancel your plans for him.

[Hollyj]

What a complete waste of time. Find someone you can rely on, and has some interest in you.

 

Why would you want a friend like this? Move on from this dude.

[Hollyj]

Do not EVER cancel friends to be with some dude. This makes you a sh*tty friend. I would be done with a friend that is so desperate to be with a guy that she crapped on them! Terrible!

 

You never had the dude. Nothing to give up. Don't be someone's booty call. This guy does not respect you.

[Honeycomb8]

He couldn't care less and was never interested in you at all.

 

He would be cool for the occasional sex session though.

 

 

Going forward:

 

1. Interested guys show CONSISTENT contact and effort. That is daily or at least regular texts. They don't disappear for days on end

2. Don't ask if you did something wrong and what's wrong. It screams desperation and neediness. Insecurity is not attractive.

3. Don't cancel on your friends.

4. Never go over to a guy's house just cos he asks, especially since he treats you with such lack of a thought.

5. RESPECT YOURSELF.

[Honeycomb8]

Please read the 'He's not that into you book'

 

 

It's nothing revolutionary, but I think you need it.

[Hollyj]

He couldn't care less and was never interested in you at all.

 

He would be cool for the occasional sex session though.

 

 

Going forward:

 

1. Interested guys show CONSISTENT contact and effort. That is daily or at least regular texts. They don't disappear for days on end

2. Don't ask if you did something wrong and what's wrong. It screams desperation and neediness. Insecurity is not attractive.

3. Don't cancel on your friends.

4. Never go over to a guy's house just cos he asks, especially since he treats you with such lack of a thought.

5. RESPECT YOURSELF.

 

Fabulous list.

 

I would like to add: Don't be so available

[Clio]

He is not into you. Not only that, but he doesn't give a crap aside from keeping you around as booty call.

 

The thing is that you are making informed choices here. Reading your post my thought was "This guy has clearly shown her that she is nothing but a booty call to him. Why is she doing this to herself? What is wrong with her?" You need to cut it out. Seriously.

 

Block him. Delete. And seriously reflect on your (total lack of) boundaries and standards.

[abitbroken]

If he was a commitment phone, he'd want to see you all the time, and then when it got serious, he'd run the other way. This guy did NOT come on strong. Even though he only saw you every 7-10 days - YOU started liking him rather than keeping your options open. I mean - every 7 days is actually great for first starting out - and not texting at first is fine too - but the less he acknowledged you, the more you were into him. That's my take on it.

[abitbroken]

I think when you call in sick for work to go on a date with someone -- you need to step back and evaluate things.

[Batya33]

Interested guys will ask you out in advance and try to see you at least once or twice a week- texting is not necessarily a sign of interest in dating if he's not regularly trying to see you in person. The one playing a game is you -you're playing at being "analyst" to prolong what is a situation where this person doesn't want to put in the effort to date you. It doesn't matter if he's a commitmentphobe or just not that into you - his actions show he is not interested in dating you with potential for a relationship. I would err on the side, if you have to assume, that he is not that into you because if it's a situation where you could hear, in a short period of time, that he is serious with someone it will affect you a lot less if you accept now that he is not interested in dating you. He is interested in an occasional casual hookup. You want more so you two are not a good match. I wouldn't take it personally either.

[boltnrun]

How come you didn't want to listen to your friends? Don't you think they care about you and want what's best for you?

 

True friends don't just tell you what you want to hear. True friends are honest with you.

[Hollyj]

I think when you call in sick for work to go on a date with someone -- you need to step back and evaluate things.

 

Yeah. That was pretty bad.

[wilyone 11]

Calling in sick to spend time with a new guy who hasn’t even treated you well is romantic suicide and pretty much assures that he will treat you like crap.

 

He does sound like a bit of a commitment phone as they are notorious for making dates and canceling last minute. A guy who is not into you doesn’t make all these dates in the first place.

 

Commitmentphobes are also notorious for keeping expectations very low like by not following up after dates or doing things that potential boyfriends would do.

 

This is a life lesson for you in setting boundaries and loving yourself more than anyone else. Men won’t respect you until you respect yourself.

 

I’ve dated a lot of commitmentphobes and it’s not worth it IMO unless you enjoy feeling anxious, unloved and insecure.

[lalalalies]

He couldn't care less and was never interested in you at all.

 

He would be cool for the occasional sex session though.

 

 

Going forward:

 

1. Interested guys show CONSISTENT contact and effort. That is daily or at least regular texts. They don't disappear for days on end

2. Don't ask if you did something wrong and what's wrong. It screams desperation and neediness. Insecurity is not attractive.

3. Don't cancel on your friends.

4. Never go over to a guy's house just cos he asks, especially since he treats you with such lack of a thought.

5. RESPECT YOURSELF.

 

 

i didn't expect so many replies and i wanna thank every single person individually.

but this really struck me, so i would like to say thank you.

i know it seems like i was a complete idiot but at the same time he was good looking and had a really successful career.

so i found myself kept going back. kept thinking "well, at least i'm banging a cute guy"

every time we met up. we did more than sex. i stayed over, we watched movies

we had dinner and breakfast. it was like a date + sex. yes it was a booty call. but i justified myself that we do actually

"dating stuff" and maybe i have a chance. well, i was dreaming.

everyone's right. i should have never done things i've done. like cancelling plans with friends or asking him if everything was okay.

as long as i don't text him, he won't text me. and i don't think i will text him first ever again. so it's over now.

thank you again. you saved my life.

[katrina1980]

Fabulous list.

 

I would like to add:

 

Don't be so available

 

Agree and would also like to add, when a man treats you so poorly, such as this man is doing, do NOT ever ask him if he likes you or if you've done something wrong.

 

I seriously cringed when I read that.

 

In fact, best to not ever ask a man these things. It sounds incredibly needy and really puts you in a bad light.

 

The bottom line is, it doesn't matter whether he's commitment phobe or just not into you, he is treating you atrociously, set higher standards for yourself and walk away from this craziness.

 

ETA: Just read your last post, sounds good and best of luck moving forward. Lesson learned.