Is he a commitment phobe or just not into me? Cannot tell

[Hollyj]

Calling in sick to spend time with a new guy who hasn’t even treated you well is romantic suicide and pretty much assures that he will treat you like crap.

 

He does sound like a bit of a commitment phone as they are notorious for making dates and canceling last minute. A guy who is not into you doesn’t make all these dates in the first place.

 

Commitmentphobes are also notorious for keeping expectations very low like by not following up after dates or doing things that potential boyfriends would do.

 

This is a life lesson for you in setting boundaries and loving yourself more than anyone else. Men won’t respect you until you respect yourself.

 

I’ve dated a lot of commitmentphobes and it’s not worth it IMO unless you enjoy feeling anxious, unloved and insecure.

 

He doesn't sound like a commitment phobe. At all! A commitment phobe comes on very strong and is proclaiming love early on, then pulls back once you have return the feelings.. This guy never showed her much interest, other than getting into her pants. A CP would have been in daily contact and wanted to see her all the time. This did not happen.

[katrina1980]

He doesn't sound like a commitment phobe. At all! A commitment phobe comes on very strong and is proclaiming love early on, then pulls back once you have return the feelings.. This guy never showed her much interest, other than getting into her pants.

 

A CP would have been in daily contact and wanted to see her all the time. This did not happen.

 

Agree and exactly. They come on super strong at first, pulling you into their world, into their heart, until REALITY hits and suddenly and without warning they are off and running.

 

Like Holls said, he never behaved this way, he was always casual, nonchalant, aloof, dismissive = just not into you.

[Hollyj]

i didn't expect so many replies and i wanna thank every single person individually.

but this really struck me, so i would like to say thank you.

i know it seems like i was a complete idiot but at the same time he was good looking and had a really successful career.

so i found myself kept going back. kept thinking "well, at least i'm banging a cute guy"

every time we met up. we did more than sex. i stayed over, we watched movies

we had dinner and breakfast. it was like a date + sex. yes it was a booty call. but i justified myself that we do actually

"dating stuff" and maybe i have a chance. well, i was dreaming.

everyone's right. i should have never done things i've done. like cancelling plans with friends or asking him if everything was okay.

as long as i don't text him, he won't text me. and i don't think i will text him first ever again. so it's over now.

thank you again. you saved my life.

 

So, as long as they're hot and have a great job, they can treat you like garbage??????????????? Are you serious! Girl, where is your self worth!

 

I would rather be alone, than be disrespected and be treated as a booty call!

 

Oh no. He didn't even take you out. Your dates were at his home. That is worse! I strongly suggest that you not date for a long while, and develop some boundaries.

[fabact]

Please you deserve better than this. He sounds like a .

[yatsue]

Oh no. He didn't even take you out. Your dates were at his home. That is worse!

 

Sadly, I agree those are pathetic excuses for dates. I wouldn't even call those dates. A date is when you both go out alone together, either spend money or not.

 

We all make mistakes, just next time follow the rules for healthy boundaries and you can't go wrong. Learn from this. If the guy is not on board with that, you are better off.

 

P.S. I could be wrong, but it seems you at least got some from a cute guy as you mentioned before. I mean, I like sex too just like any other guy haha and this doesn't have to be a completely bad experience if you are fine with getting sex anyway. Just know if you want more to move on.

[Batya33]

i didn't expect so many replies and i wanna thank every single person individually.

but this really struck me, so i would like to say thank you.

i know it seems like i was a complete idiot but at the same time he was good looking and had a really successful career.

so i found myself kept going back. kept thinking "well, at least i'm banging a cute guy"

every time we met up. we did more than sex. i stayed over, we watched movies

we had dinner and breakfast. it was like a date + sex. yes it was a booty call. but i justified myself that we do actually

"dating stuff" and maybe i have a chance. well, i was dreaming.

everyone's right. i should have never done things i've done. like cancelling plans with friends or asking him if everything was okay.

as long as i don't text him, he won't text me. and i don't think i will text him first ever again. so it's over now.

thank you again. you saved my life.

 

So if your standards are what you wrote above, expect to have very similar situations in your future. Do you want a really successful career? Do you have one? If not why is it important to you that who you are dating does? Are you looking for someone who's a trophy and who can provide for you financially? Believe me, people can tell if that is what you're attracted to - and also if you're willing to settle for "at least I'm banging a cute guy" then the person who has issues with commitment might be you -if you wanted a long term commitment you wouldn't value what you wrote you value.

 

I don't think you were dreaming at all. You made very specific choices and this is the result you got. If you want a different result, make different choices based on different perspectives/values.

[lalalalies]

So if your standards are what you wrote above, expect to have very similar situations in your future. Do you want a really successful career? Do you have one? If not why is it important to you that who you are dating does? Are you looking for someone who's a trophy and who can provide for you financially? Believe me, people can tell if that is what you're attracted to - and also if you're willing to settle for "at least I'm banging a cute guy" then the person who has issues with commitment might be you -if you wanted a long term commitment you wouldn't value what you wrote you value.

 

I don't think you were dreaming at all. You made very specific choices and this is the result you got. If you want a different result, make different choices based on different perspectives/values.

 

no, no. that was my standards at all. i'm not a bad looking girl but the thing is, no one really asks me out. and it was first time someone asked me out in over 2 years (i don't do online dating - i find it scary) and i couldn't believe it was a really good looking dude who did that as i actually never went on a date with a good looking guy before. i was in a little awe. do you know what i mean? i know, i deserve all the criticism i can get. i know how idiotic i have been. but i've been dateless and sexless for over 2 years so when someone who is out of my league showed interest in me, i kinda forgot about self respect. i know i still sound shallow and pathetic. but that's what happened and i could not control it. i'm not gonna lie or deny. it took me only 3 months to realize though. i'm actually really completely put off by dating and sex now. i genuinely lost interest in it. thank you for your advice though. it will take me a long time to rebuild self respect and confidence that i destroyed myself.

[Silverbirch]

ABig Hugs OP. please don't feel so bad. It was a learning experience, and most of us have done that or similar.

 

Also, give yourself credit. Eventually, you did see it for what it was, and you told him you wouldn't text again. Stay strong please.

[Batya33]

no, no. that was my standards at all. i'm not a bad looking girl but the thing is, no one really asks me out. and it was first time someone asked me out in over 2 years (i don't do online dating - i find it scary) and i couldn't believe it was a really good looking dude who did that as i actually never went on a date with a good looking guy before. i was in a little awe. do you know what i mean? i know, i deserve all the criticism i can get. i know how idiotic i have been. but i've been dateless and sexless for over 2 years so when someone who is out of my league showed interest in me, i kinda forgot about self respect. i know i still sound shallow and pathetic. but that's what happened and i could not control it. i'm not gonna lie or deny. it took me only 3 months to realize though. i'm actually really completely put off by dating and sex now. i genuinely lost interest in it. thank you for your advice though. it will take me a long time to rebuild self respect and confidence that i destroyed myself.

 

I'm not criticizing you at all - I was pointing out that given your values and standards that you wrote in your post, you were likely to have the result you had. You are entitled to your values and standards and then it doesn't make sense to complain about results that are consistent with them. Beating yourself up makes no sense either. If you want to change, take actions to change. I have suggestions on how to make dating through websites safer. Let me know. I am not a fan of online dating. A am a fan of meeting people through on line sites. You date in person, not online.

 

No "leagues" - when I had that attitude want to know what happened to me? Mr. Handsome Successful Ivy League pinned me down by my wrists on his bed the second time I met him (because of course someone that polished could never do that right??) because I thought that if I wanted to be out of my league I had to go with the flow and go back to his place (and I had told him we would not be having sex, etc). I was just darn lucky that on my third NO he let me go free and I did not get raped. Over the next almost 10 years he harassed a number of my friends who also met him through on line sites (no! that is not a comment on the dangers of on line sites!!) and when we ran into each other 9 years later when I looked the same -he didn't remember me. Can you imagine how many other women he must have pinned down not to remember the woman who yelled NO three times??

 

You are not shallow or pathetic. You are not a girl. You are a woman who is interested in dating. Normal. You took some approaches this time that devalued yourself because you felt that the fact that he was good looking, etc meant you had to settle for scraps. I could not agree more with what Silverbirch wrote. If you take what I wrote just as criticism and react by beating yourself up then you won't learn from it. And if you value successful careers it might be something to consider that you want for yourself. Do you?

[Frostyfox]

Don't be hard on yourself. This game of his is part of the deal. I'm a dang 50 year old professional women, and I let my guy eventually only text me for 8 months. Now I know. And so do you.

[lalalalies]

I'm not criticizing you at all - I was pointing out that given your values and standards that you wrote in your post, you were likely to have the result you had. You are entitled to your values and standards and then it doesn't make sense to complain about results that are consistent with them. Beating yourself up makes no sense either. If you want to change, take actions to change. I have suggestions on how to make dating through websites safer. Let me know. I am not a fan of online dating. A am a fan of meeting people through on line sites. You date in person, not online.

 

No "leagues" - when I had that attitude want to know what happened to me? Mr. Handsome Successful Ivy League pinned me down by my wrists on his bed the second time I met him (because of course someone that polished could never do that right??) because I thought that if I wanted to be out of my league I had to go with the flow and go back to his place (and I had told him we would not be having sex, etc). I was just darn lucky that on my third NO he let me go free and I did not get raped. Over the next almost 10 years he harassed a number of my friends who also met him through on line sites (no! that is not a comment on the dangers of on line sites!!) and when we ran into each other 9 years later when I looked the same -he didn't remember me. Can you imagine how many other women he must have pinned down not to remember the woman who yelled NO three times??

 

You are not shallow or pathetic. You are not a girl. You are a woman who is interested in dating. Normal. You took some approaches this time that devalued yourself because you felt that the fact that he was good looking, etc meant you had to settle for scraps. I could not agree more with what Silverbirch wrote. If you take what I wrote just as criticism and react by beating yourself up then you won't learn from it. And if you value successful careers it might be something to consider that you want for yourself. Do you?

 

i want a succesful career for myself. more than anything. i'm extremely career driven and nothing can stop me. as long as i have succesful career, i don't mind living single for the rest of my life. that's how i always felt. your ivy league fling sounds creepy and rapey. i would have said no too actually. the guy i was seeing was at least really gentle and we were always consensual. i'm sorry about your awful experience.

[Batya33]

i want a succesful career for myself. more than anything. i'm extremely career driven and nothing can stop me. as long as i have succesful career, i don't mind living single for the rest of my life. that's how i always felt. your ivy league fling sounds creepy and rapey. i would have said no too actually. the guy i was seeing was at least really gentle and we were always consensual. i'm sorry about your awful experience.

 

Oh it was over 20 years ago and it's fine, I'm over it -for the most part in the hundreds of men I went on dates with I was treated with respect and like a lady. I mentioned successful career because you seemed to value that in the guy you mentioned in this thread. I don't think there's any reason to restrict your social or romantic life just because you want a career. In fact I think that would be an impediment to your career. I originally met my husband at work. The huge upside to having a successful career is that often you can save $ so if you find that you want to have a child someday and be home full time you can contribute to the family income while you're not employed -if you marry someone who maybe doesn't make a high enough salary. And of course a successful career need not equal a high salary in the least -just giving an example.