chattygirl

One of the hardest parts is the complete radio silence since we ended. I know its better this way; the whole “no contact” thing is supposed to be good for healing and all that. My silly ego still won’t shut up about how unimaginable it is that you haven’t tried AT ALL to reach out though. Oh, I’m sure it makes you a better man, you know, for not dropping breadcrumbs and respecting my decision to walk away. I guess on some level I wanted to believe that you would want to come back at some point. It seems less and less likely and quite honestly, I know being back with you would not be a wise thing. So I guess I should thank you for dropping off the face of my earth. I suppose I’m still a little bitter but it is slowly getting to be less so. I’m coming to terms with the fact that you were never really in this relationship for the long haul. I don’t think I was either, that’s the sad part. I get mad when I think about how you said you didn’t see a future with me….but in reality, I didn’t see one with you either. How messed up to be with someone as a kind of placeholder; that’s what it feels like to me now. We were just a temporary place in each other’s timeline’s A chapter or two at best, but we were not meant to be each other’s whole story. What I resent most, is the way you just let things fade slowly and agonizingly...without trying to have a real conversation with me or anything. I tried with you, I really did. I thought we were both aware enough and on the same page when it came to the concept of working to keep a relationship alive. We talked about how in long term relationships, once the newness wears off, its up to both people to work to keep it passionate and alive. But there were no signs of life coming from you, that’s for damn sure. I was willing to do the work, to a point. And I guess that’s where the truth sits. I wasn’t willing to give my all after a while. I can sit here and blame you and say why should I have kept trying or made more effort when you showed no desire to reciprocate. That really disappointed me a lot. But I think I’m getting over that fact. You showed me who you really were when you stopped showing up for the relationship. I should have spoke up sooner, that’s one of my biggest regrets. But for whatever reason, I think I was also holding on, in hopes that maybe something would happen or change and make me feel like we did have a future and that we were meant to be. And since I wasn’t willing to try harder either, it pretty much cements it that I too, checked out of the relationship. I can own that much. I miss some of the little things though. I know that when I get all nostalgic, its more of a longing for the way things were in the beginning. Once that plateaued, I could see how you lost that “new relationship” high and little by little were backing down. It hurts because I did believe that you were sincere. I’m sure you were, in those early days. And my relentless ego persists: why wasn’t it worth it to you to try harder, or to just try, period? What made it so easy for you to let me go? Deep down, I know you probably were counting down the days until I finally said something. Because you certainly were never going to. And that’s the most unsettling part; that I could love and care so deeply for a coward. How did that happen? I’ll always have some good memories and I’m thankful for that. But I feel like a lot of that gets muddied in reflecting on those final weeks….so much cowardice. And that’s how I’ll remember the way it ended, with little more than a cowardly sigh from you.