Online dating again journal

[janut1]

Thank you for your advice. I hate being in the throws of a breakup and wish I was getting on with it already.

 

Many red flags I ignored and Im sure there are here somewhere in my journal. He broke up with me at 3 months, then asked me to forgive him 5 days later. I asked him why he did it, he said it was because he was on pain killers and not feeling himself. I never believed that, but went back to him anyway. Nothing really changed and I didn't speak up at that time like I should of about the lack of affection etc. Could of saved me time if I did.

 

He was not affectionate from the start. I had to ask him why he hadn't tried to hold my hand or touch me in any way after about 5 dates. I asked him if he liked being affectionate, he said yes that he liked to hug and kiss, but he never did much of that even then. I have to remember that because I keep thinking its me. If he was that way at the beginning, when we were just starting to get to know each other, it must be just the way he is. I also have to remember that his X wife complained about him not hugging her and doing something in bed. All makes sense now.

 

The weird sleep over issue. We had "sex" if you could call it that and I asked him, should I spend the night or go home? He said go home of course! I asked him why, since he had slept at my house once before that and he said he wasn't ready for sleepovers or shacking up. That in itself was not the problem it was the way he said it and how he acted. Of course I wasn't asking him to shack up, that wasn't even on my mind He was really cold sitting with his arms folded above his belly. I asked him if he was seeing someone else, he said No Im not like that and anyway the whole thing was hurtful. He thought I shouldn't of been hurt. I never asked to sleep over again, but eventually he asked me too.

 

His X wife hates him with a passion. At first I could not figure out why. They've been divorced for 5 years just like my X husband and I but they were still at each others throats. His drama level was high. He would keep me texting late into the night as he would respond to her awful text, and or try to figure out why his daughter didn't want to see him and on and on. I remember talking to his X sister in law, and she said he has to stop that or he's going to push you away. I was beyond tired of it all. It would consume him for days. The last one was when his daughter decided to start therapy a week or so ago. He was in a tailspin over that, thinking it would be all about him and how she would not want to see him. I was like calm down, its good shes going. His daughter even told him that he spoiled her too much and she wanted him to stop. That if she wanted to stay at moms longer that he should be okay with that. That she was tired of mom and dad fighting all the time. I thought it was great that she was going. He hates that she is because he is sure its all about him and that she will stop wanting to come to see him. He is holding on to her so tight he is going to lose her eventually.

 

Of course the lack of affection, attention, intimacy, sex, never being together on a regular basis even after a year, him never spending time with my kids, but me spending time with his. His coldness that would occur every month or so. Telling me he was depressed about his obesity, and asking me to help him diet, when I didn't even see him that much was pretty funny. He would say with your help I can do this! His DR told him he needs to lose about 100lbs. I did my best to help without being with him much, but about 2 weeks later he was back to junk food and lots of candy.

 

And then his employee. He would complain constantly about his employee and be so upset with him. He wasn't a bad worker, just had some issue going on that he was dealing with his X wife and kids and when he needed a day off or a couple hours my X would go insane. He had a low tolerance for anything outside the normal working hours, but then he would give the guy a raise. It was weird. He always thinks the guy is going to turn him into the labor board, for what I have no idea. But thats another issue I would have to talk him down from. He is not a nice boss at all, I felt bad for his employee some times.

 

Oh and another thing I just remembered. He told me once that his X said that she felt sorry for me and his worker because he treated us both badly. I questioned him about that. How would she know that? Then it dawned on me, his daughter would be the one telling mom about things he says and does and I knew the way he talk about his employee so he must of done the same about me in front of her. So I wonder what he said about me to her? Yikes. That did bother me.

 

NO Im not analyzing his kids or his parents or what not - just jotting this down for myself.

 

Gosh I know this all is bad stuff. I know that I put up with it way past the time I should of. But I still miss him, and that sucks. I will take every day as it comes, and try to remember that I will come out of this one day. I've done it before.

 

The worse thought I have right now is since I have been divorced, I have had several failed relationships. That makes me feel not good enough. To tell the real truth, I have never been in a healthy loving relationship in my life. I hope some day to say I had that in my life before I pass on.

[notalady]

I remember the time you wrote about when he asked you to leave and not ready to "shack up" (a gross exaggeration and false accusation to say the least), I think I commented on that.

 

It's interesting that many of my ex's blame their part in the relationship failing (because they reacted badly to something I brought up, or not being affectionate or being emotionally distant) on health and/or medication, when in actual fact, that's just the way they are. So I've since learned not to buy into any excuse (legitimate or not) given to me by a guy to explain bad behaviour or deal breaker. I think it would be helpful to remember that for yourself. Because truth is, even if what they say is true, it doesn't change the fact that the behaviours themselves are deal breakers / red flags, if someone has health issues or on medication that affects behaviour, then they should try their best to manage that impact on others, especially their partner, and actually have actions backing up how they are managing these circumstances. Even if they aren't doing too well at it, the least they can do is say sorry I put you through this, then try harder, not say "oh well I'm like this because of XYZ, so you'll just have to put up with it".

 

And of course in all likelihood, majority of the time, it is just that, an excuse.

[janut1]

I just want to thank you all for your replies. I look back here when Im feeling sad. It helps me get my mind straight.

 

This is the one week mark since I broke up with him. It actually went fast considering. I still feel sad that I spent 1 year with a man who gave me very little in terms or intimacy and affection. But then my mind goes to all the nice things he did for me, like taking me to surgery and staying the whole time during surgery and taking me back home. Taking me to my Dr appts after and grocery shopping for a couple of weeks so I would have food for my kids. I guess this is the happy stuff I am remembering right now. He didn't have to do that, but he did and I appreciated it a lot. He would pick me up and take me to his house to hang out cause I couldn't drive for a very long time. He helped me arrange my home for the surgery because I wouldn't be able to sleep upstairs then helped me put it back a few weeks ago. He helped me put my Christmas tree up too. He was helpful, but I guess not engaged? I think these were the things that I felt showed he cared about me and the things I hung on to when I would consider breaking up with him. I really hate being alone, it sucks.

 

I guess if he really had feelings for me, I would of heard from him by now. Guess its really over.

[reinventmyself]

I just want to thank you all for your replies. I look back here when Im feeling sad. It helps me get my mind straight.

 

This is the one week mark since I broke up with him. It actually went fast considering. I still feel sad that I spent 1 year with a man who gave me very little in terms or intimacy and affection. But then my mind goes to all the nice things he did for me, like taking me to surgery and staying the whole time during surgery and taking me back home. Taking me to my Dr appts after and grocery shopping for a couple of weeks so I would have food for my kids. I guess this is the happy stuff I am remembering right now. He didn't have to do that, but he did and I appreciated it a lot. He would pick me up and take me to his house to hang out cause I couldn't drive for a very long time. He helped me arrange my home for the surgery because I wouldn't be able to sleep upstairs then helped me put it back a few weeks ago. He helped me put my Christmas tree up too. He was helpful, but I guess not engaged? I think these were the things that I felt showed he cared about me and the things I hung on to when I would consider breaking up with him. I really hate being alone, it sucks.

 

I guess if he really had feelings for me, I would of heard from him by now. Guess its really over.

It's typical to forensically dissect a failed relationship and yes. .no one is all bad and to the fact that you have good memories is a good sign of your ability to be compassionate in spite of everything.

My guess is you will hear from him again.

But the fact that he is taking his time and probably will, is probably indicative of his emotional unavailability and very telling.

If he does contact you and tells you everything you wanted to hear, what might you do?

[janut1]

It's typical to forensically dissect a failed relationship and yes. .no one is all bad and to the fact that you have good memories is a good sign of your ability to be compassionate in spite of everything.

My guess is you will hear from him again.

But the fact that he is taking his time and probably will, is probably indicative of his emotional unavailability and very telling.

If he does contact you and tells you everything you wanted to hear, what might you do?

 

Thank you. I don't think he will contact me at all. But I guess I should think about this and how I might react if he does. I know that if he promised me that he would change, I would not be 100% convinced because I do truly believe that he is who he is. Its hard for people to change that drastic without lots of effort and perhaps therapy, which he is not that open too. He is lazy in lots of things, and Im not sure he would do that much work for me, or any relationship. He couldn't change for his X wife, so why would he do anything different now. So Im not sure I can go back to a relationship without the closeness I want and need.

[notalady]

Thank you. I don't think he will contact me at all. But I guess I should think about this and how I might react if he does. I know that if he promised me that he would change, I would not be 100% convinced because I do truly believe that he is who he is. Its hard for people to change that drastic without lots of effort and perhaps therapy, which he is not that open too. He is lazy in lots of things, and Im not sure he would do that much work for me, or any relationship. He couldn't change for his X wife, so why would he do anything different now. So Im not sure I can go back to a relationship without the closeness I want and need.

 

I think it's helpful to make up your mind now if you'll give him another chance, in case he does contact you, so you're not caught off guard and make an irrational decision based on emotions at the time.

 

Personally, given the cons list, I would make a decision right now to say I will NEVER go back to him, and shut that door for yourself in your own mind first and foremost, that way you know exactly how to react if he contacts you.

 

I also think he'll contact you again. It's just been my experience that all of my ex's have tried to get me to give them another chance. All of them lol... I don't know why that is but I've come to expect it and make sure I'm prepared to react consistent to the decision I've made to myself before that happens

[reinventmyself]

I think this is one of your most important lessons. I know it was mine.

Asking for things in a relationship is to be expected. But when you find yourself waiting for someone to be fundamentally different than what they are showing us, you need to know you are wasting your time.

We need to pay attention to the person in front of us and not who we hope they'll be.

[thejigsup]

This is what dating is about; to find some one we are compatible with. Hallmark tries to make it about romance, but really, compatibility is the most important part.

[janut1]

I heard from his X sister in law today. I knew I eventually would. He told his mom that we are no longer together. Guess that finalizes it.

 

She text me and said NOOOO Say it isn't true. I heard you and P are no longer together. Im so sad, we are so sad. (Mom)

 

I texted her back and told her yes it was true. And spoke to her awhile about it, keeping it above board, not putting him down, just telling her the facts. She was married to his brother, so she has known P since she was 16 YO. I asked her if his brother was affectionate and she said not really. And said that their father is not affectionate to his mom either. Long story short, they are all the same in that regard. She told me some other things too. That helped a bit, but I did start crying while talking to her. I really loved her, her boyfriend and son and his mom, very nice people and I will miss them.

 

Because of that, its been a bit harder today. I realize that this is really it. He's told his family and now its official. We are no longer together.

[janut1]

This is not getting easier, its getting harder. Im still not sleeping and I miss him. I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the best. I talk to my sister and oldest daughter about being sad and missing them. They know its for the best too and remind me that it wasn't good. How can you get so attached to someone and know its not for your best interest to stay with the person, and still feel so sad about everything and miss them so much.

 

My phone is so quiet, there is no nightly or daily text or call from him. I wonder how he is doing, but know he is probably doing great without me. He is probably relieved since he had no feelings for me. Its easier when you don't have feelings at all I know. I won't reach out so Im not worried about doing that at all. Im sure I would be hurt by it, so that helps me not reach out. I also deleted all his text, phone number and voice mails so that helps too.

 

Just another day to get through, pretty depressing really.

[reinventmyself]

This is not getting easier, its getting harder. Im still not sleeping and I miss him. I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the best. I talk to my sister and oldest daughter about being sad and missing them. They know its for the best too and remind me that it wasn't good. How can you get so attached to someone and know its not for your best interest to stay with the person, and still feel so sad about everything and miss them so much.

 

My phone is so quiet, there is no nightly or daily text or call from him. I wonder how he is doing, but know he is probably doing great without me. He is probably relieved since he had no feelings for me. Its easier when you don't have feelings at all I know. I won't reach out so Im not worried about doing that at all. Im sure I would be hurt by it, so that helps me not reach out. I also deleted all his text, phone number and voice mails so that helps too.

 

Just another day to get through, pretty depressing really.

 

Sorry Hun . .

It tends to get harder before it gets better.

I often look at it like a drug addiction. You are going through withdrawals at the moment.

The good news is it does pass. Just hang on through the tough part and remember that any contact with him will start you

from square one again.

We've all done it. And we survived.

You will too.

Hang in there!

[janut1]

Its the weekend... big wow! Im still a friggin mess. I miss him, and miss our time together even if it was not intimate. Im losing faith in men. When I think about getting out there and dating again, I feel sick to my stomach. I really am not doing well and feel all men suck.

 

I guess I thought he might reach out and apologize or something by now, but nothing. He is probably happy doing his thing and not thinking once about me or us at all. I wish I could do the same, just move on and be happy. I hate being alone, I really do, but that might be all I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. Yes I am on the pity pot. Maybe some day I will get off and smile again.

 

The only good news is my daughter and grandson are coming over today. That should keep my mind off things for awhile.

 

I am trying to remember this from Reinventmyself to help me:

 

This is typical and we all feel this way post break up.

But you know what?. . .In time it passes. . you meet someone and your life as you know it changes.

Just have faith!

Hang in there.

[Ms Darcy]

Sounds like you are still hoping he'll want to get back together again.

[janut1]

Sounds like you are still hoping he'll want to get back together again.

 

Yea, I do sound like that don't I? Blah, its all just a bad feeling, I don't like to feel sad and depressed and lonely. My daughter just left. We talked about the situation a bit and she thinks he needs a more aggressive women like his X. She said people tend to fall for the same type of person even if its not good for them. I knew his marriage was volatile and I am not very aggressive. Maybe my daughter is right, I was just too nice for him.

[Batya33]

Yea, I do sound like that don't I? Blah, its all just a bad feeling, I don't like to feel sad and depressed and lonely. My daughter just left. We talked about the situation a bit and she thinks he needs a more aggressive women like his X. She said people tend to fall for the same type of person even if its not good for them. I knew his marriage was volatile and I am not very aggressive. Maybe my daughter is right, I was just too nice for him.

 

The opposite of passive (i.e. "too nice" - not "nice" -just passive) is aggressive but in between are lots of shades of gray. There is no need to be aggressive when interacting with someone in a romantic relationship (unless you're role playing and having fun).

 

Being at least reasonably confident and assertive is essential in my opinion if the couple wants a healthy relationship. I wouldn't waste time analyzing who someone you used to date would be better suited for. It's really just speculation about who he is well matched with and whether he will choose a healthy relationship or otherwise. On the other hand I think it is a good idea to ask yourself whether you believe in general that you act in a healthful way in a relationship. I don't think being passive which is mis-named as "nice" is a good idea in any relationship let alone a romantic relationship. And especially when the person tells themselves that passive is "nice" it can make it into a martyr situation, also unhealthy IMO.

[faraday]

I'm sorry about your break up. It's always hard to go through the change in routine (talking/texting/spending time together) even if the relationship wasn't great.

 

I noticed reading through the last few pages that you say (paraphrased) "he hasn't contacted me" quite a bit...one of the things I found most useful in my harder break ups was blocking an ex. Because not hearing from them because they weren't contacting me stung. But I found when I was in control of it- I blocked them- I could imagine that he was trying to contact me but I had him blocked- "TAKE THAT JERKFACE!" It was just easier on me to think he couldn't contact me, rather than thinking he didn't want to.

 

It gets easier. Promise. It's harder for a while, and easier...it's like waves.

[janut1]

Im not saying Im passive. Not at all. She was mean, said nasty things about and to him and about me too. They had a very abusive relationship together. I am not fighter, or sling nasty comments at people.

 

I know you keep saying not to analyze the situation or what will work what doesn't. But I think it is common to look at it and wonder where I went wrong and what I could of done differently. I am who I am though. I am a nice, friendly person who treats people well. I could use a bit more confidence and to speak my mind when I am hurt or disagree with something that is happening. That I can work on.

[Batya33]

Im not saying Im passive. Not at all. She was mean, said nasty things about and to him and about me too. They had a very abusive relationship together. I am not fighter, or sling nasty comments at people.

 

I know you keep saying not to analyze the situation or what will work what doesn't. But I think it is common to look at it and wonder where I went wrong and what I could of done differently. I am who I am though. I am a nice, friendly person who treats people well. I could use a bit more confidence and to speak my mind when I am hurt or disagree with something that is happening. That I can work on.

 

Yes, I just thought you were writing "too nice" to mean "not enough confidence" or "not aggressive". I think it's of course possible to be nice and lack enough confidence. I don't think it's nice to be a fighter and I don't think fighters have self-confidence in the least -typically the opposite.

 

I think it's great to evaluate whether you would have done anything differently. I was referring to your speculation about what kind of woman he will be with or should be with. That has nothing to do with you as a person or who you should date or interact with. I think that focusing on him, what makes him tick, who he should/would/could date is going to impede your healing process.

[janut1]

Its Monday and its raining. I don't have my kids this week. Im still not sleeping great at all. I sure hope that stops soon. Im trying to stop thinking about him by refocusing on my job hunt every time he pops into my mind. It works sometimes.

 

Im not crying as much as I had been. And the good news is Im not crying as much as I did when I was with him. I think my intuition was trying to tell me something was wrong when I was with him because I cried constantly feeling so alone even though I had a BF. It made no sense to me that I felt that way.

 

The relationship was very hard on me emotionally. I was constantly anxious, worrying, unsettled, unhappy and stressed. If I wasn't with him all these awful emotions would pop up. As soon as I would hear from him, I would calm down and think all is okay now, he must like me since he is contacting me. This points to a very unhealthy relationship.

 

I felt ugly when I was with him. I realized that was because he would rarely compliment me or make me feel special to him. I was hanging by a thread hoping he would turn around and see what he had. Didn't happen.

 

You would think that now that I am not hearing from him, I can relax and sleep and not worry. Why am I still emotionally upset?

[Ms Darcy]

Break ups are always hard. The longer the relationship - whether healthy or unhealthy - the harder to get over.

 

How is the job search going? You've been out of work since January? To be honest, I would be much more anxious about that.

[reinventmyself]

If you have the time, read up on 'intermittent reinforcement'

It's the very thing that keeps us chasing after something that is clearly bad for us.

Much like training a puppy, you withhold the treat until they behave. The longer you withhold it, the more value it begins to have.

Once they receive it, then the anxiety and anticipation ceases. Until it starts all over again.

 

It's what casino's are made of and there is a psychology behind this and they deliberately employ it. People get stuck pulling that lever

ever over and over and with no payoff and then when then hits the jack pot they go on to continue to invest more and more just for that fleeting payoff. You have so much invested at this point it keeps you glued to the chair and putting all your money into it just to experience that payoff again.

 

It sounds very much like your relationship. You stayed hoping for those fleeting moments of attention or validation but were left starving for them most of the time.

All the anxiety and discomfort was your intuition trying to tell you what you needed to know. Unfortunately you had so much already invested you were fighting to stay and receive your much deserved payoff. We are often guilty of not listening to that little voice inside of us.

 

But the good news is. . you did. Ok. . It took a little longer than necessary but it's a valuable lesson for you going forward.

 

I will touch further on the passive/aggressive comparisons. You shouldn't be either. Being passive is when you give parts of yourself away. Being aggressive is when tend to violate someone else or take something from them to get what you want.

The sweet spot in the middle is assertiveness. You learn to respectfully speak your mind about what you want and need.

Assertiveness allows you to effectively express your needs and concerns in a way that respects the needs and concerns of the other person.

 

Hang in there. . The mere fact that he hasn't reached out is very telling.

BUT it is not a measure of your self worth. It should reinforce what you already suspected.

[Ms Darcy]

Hang in there. . The mere fact that he hasn't reached out is very telling.

BUT it is not a measure of your self worth. It should reinforce what you already suspected.

 

I think the fact he isn't reaching out is a good thing. It means he's not trying to go back into the relationship for round three.

[janut1]

Hang in there. . The mere fact that he hasn't reached out is very telling.

BUT it is not a measure of your self worth. It should reinforce what you already suspected.

 

Ouch, that hurt.

[browneyedgirl36]

Ouch, that hurt.

 

It DOES hurt, but...re-read the part where she said "It is not a measure of your self worth." One of the most important lessons I had to learn was that another person's rejection of me or decision not to be with me is NOT a reflection of who I am as a person, how lovable or desirable I am, etc. It's only one person's feeling or opinion -- it doesn't point to some big "truth" about me.

 

Yes, he's not reaching out because he sees this as the end. I know it's hard, but one day you'll realize he's done you a favor by NOT contacting you. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but someday it will -- I promise.

[thejigsup]

You are not being contacted by a cold, manipulative, uncaring, unemotional, jerk. Personally, I would be throwing a party and I would also be out there looking to upgrade to a person worthy of me. Just my 2 cents.