missmarple Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I do know too that if this happens again, he will be on high alert with me and watching how I handle stuff, so breathing, taking a walk or just going to the bathroom to collect my thoughts before reacting will be what I do from now on. I think you're giving him too much power over you after just 3 months. I mean, thinking that he'll be 'watching how you handle stuff' and what you should do, etc, etc...maybe we are very different but I would be watching how my bf handles stuff and if that's ok with me...not worrying about the opposite...I really don't think that you overreacted that much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I sort of feel very old fashioned. It is always amazing to me how, in society, it seems to be a bigger deal to sleep over than to have sex. I actually slept over with guys and never had sex with them. It's just funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 I think you're giving him too much power over you after just 3 months. I mean, thinking that he'll be 'watching how you handle stuff' and what you should do, etc, etc...maybe we are very different but I would be watching how my bf handles stuff and if that's ok with me...not worrying about the opposite...I really don't think that you overreacted that much! You bet I will be watching how he handles stuff too! That is a given. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Share Posted June 9, 2015 Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this bump in my relationship. I don't know what I would do without this outlet to journal and getting others perspective on things. You all rock!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 I went to his house on Wednesday to help him fix his internet and computers. He messed it all up and was having trouble with it. He asked if I could help since that is my background, computers, technology etc. I was nervous going since this was going to be the first time I saw him since the big sleepover mess. Everything was fine and my nerves quickly quieted down and again we work so well as a team. The nice thing is I knew I was going home and I don't have that question in my head all the time now so it is sort of a relief. I fixed his problem and he was so happy he kept hugging and kissing me it was cute. He says I have to be in your town early tomorrow morning, would it be okay to stop by your house for coffee? I said of course? So he showed up early with coffee and some poppy seed bread, which was really sweet. He stayed for a couple hours and then left to go to his job. I asked him if he would like to go to a baseball game for fathers day and he said yes! So we are planning that and will be taking his daughter/daughters to the game for fathers day. My kids will be with their dad so it all works out perfect. As Im typing this he just texted me and asked if I would like to go out to dinner tonight. I thought I wouldnt see him this weekend because he has his kid, but glad he is asking me out on dates still Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Good to hear everything is going well!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 Thank you! Did I see that you are going through a breakup notalady? If so, I am so sorry to hear that. Do you have a journal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 Thanks janut yes I do haha... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luxurylover Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 janut, i just read over the last few days, im all caught up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 I have been very emotional the last few weeks and I couldn't figure out why. With everything going so well with my BF, why am I crying and feeling insecure? This guy has shown me nothing to make me feel that way. He is consistent, nothing has changed, in fact he is wanting to see me more since that sleepover hurdle we went through too. Today I finally realized whats happening with me. I'm starting to fall in love with him, and I am scared to death of getting hurt. I feel like hiding out not answering his text and just cutting it off. Why? Because Im scared. I won't actually do it, but its one of those things that I know about myself. I get scared and retreat or I start acting like I don't like them. I'm scared and worried that I am going to get hurt now. If he decided he didn't want to see me anymore, I know I would survive, cause I have many a time, but of course I don't want to go through that heartache. Its so painful but thats the risk you take when you date someone and get close to them. So by retreating now, Im trying to protect myself. He has not said he loves me and I don't expect he will anytime soon because of his slower pace. We have told each other we like the other person, but thats as far as it has gone. So here I sit, working on this in my head trying to figure out how to proceed. I won't tell him how I feel, no way. I guess I just have to go with the pace and see where it leads him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 update: My BF's daughter decided she didn't want to see him this week during his time. This after all was going well and he was back on track getting her for his legal custody time frame each week. I was getting used to the schedule too. The daughter, who is 11, doesn't ask him if it is okay to stay at moms during this time, I was there so I saw it all happen, she tells him. I said wouldn't it be nice if she asked you? He said yes it would. So it was texting back and forth and calls, but it never got resolved all just a bunch of BS. He didn't get to see her and she didn't come the first night of his time. Then yesterday when I was not with him, he doesn't hear anything from her. He finally texts the mom and his daughter and the same thing happens again. She doesn't want to come over, she wants to be with her sister and brother. The mom says I cannot force her to be with you. Man, he was so hurt. I could feel that he was angry too. He actually drove to the moms house to get her, but they weren't home. Then the threats start with mom saying she will call the cops if he shows up at her house, he needs to stop harassing her etc. All this is so unnecessary. All that has to happen is that they keep him informed about special events, and/or schedule those events during Moms time and at the very least let him know and ask if it is okay. I am not sure why the mom cannot just do that she seems to just do whatever she wants with no regard for him or the schedule at all. He had just gone to court this week to get the custody in writing, for some reason it was left out of the divorce papers 4 years ago. So he schedule mediation, the X did not show up. Then they scheduled a court date because she didn't show up and again, she was a no show. The judge fined her $150 for not appearing. Im sure she will ask him to pay that, cause that is how she is. This is the first time I saw him angry. He does not swear at all, but he did when this was going on. He couldn't text fast enough, he was getting frustrated and I saw a different side of him. Not bad at all mind you. He didn't get violent or anything, he was clearly hurt. I felt for him and just helped him through the texts. I knew everything that was going on, he even called his X in front of me and tried to talk to her but she hung up on him. We have plans to go to a baseball game on Fathers day and both his daughters were invited and know about it. I have tickets for them and now I doubt they will go, but then part of me thinks, this is a baseball game and I know the youngest was excited about it so she probably will show up for that, which is not great, but what can I say. I feel that she is a bit entitled and thinks she is owed things. He said he gave his kids everything they wanted and this is how he is treated. The divorce just basically took them all away from him and that is hurtful. The mom is a real strange women too. She is nice, then really mean and it happens over and over again. My hope is all will be back to normal next week and his daughter will be back with him at the normal scheduled time. He is a really good dad, almost to giving. Lets his daughter do pretty much anything she wants, but to me that is why she is the way she is. If it were me and my kid was acting like this, I would start putting my foot down. No more sleepovers with 4 friends for no reason at all, no more playing basketball, baseball, soccer, football, riding bikes on demand. Start saying no to her sometimes. She needs more No's in her life. Basically the 11 year old runs the show and mom won't enforce the custody and dad is way to giving because he doesn't want her to not come. Its a cycle of dysfunction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 My birthday was yesterday and my BF and I planned a BBQ at my house and my kids were home. Before he arrived, I had cut my finger really badly while slicing a melon it was really deep. I know I should of went to the ER, but I didn't want to mess up dinner and my birthday, so I decided to wait until he left last night to go. So he arrived with a cake and my present. I was kind of expecting flowers, but he didn't bring any. He met my kids and that all went well. They talked to him a bit and he talked to them a bit and all seemed good. This is the first time he has spent any time with my kids. He met them very briefly on our 3rd date, kind of by accident cause they were home and I didn't think he was going to come in before we left for that date. I usually wait a long time before I introduce kids to anyone I'm dating. So we are almost 4 months in now, and it was time. My kids are also 15 and 18, so they are not little kids who need lots of attention. So we BBQ and talked and he had a lot on his mind. His worker had called in sick and he had to do all the jobs that day. His worker wasn't responding to his calls or texts about all the work he had scheduled for him today so he was worried he would have to cancel some of them cause he couldn't do them all. He said he was worried that he wouldn't be here on time, but he was actually early. He also is still a bit upset about his daughter, even though you would not of known that on fathers day at the game. He seemed fine with her. But anyway, his two oldest did not wish him a happy fathers day and that stung a bit. He is at the point where he just wants to give up trying. He feels that his X has pretty much destroyed his relationship with his kids and she is doing it with the youngest now too. I have a feeling she talks bad about him a lot to the kids and makes them feel like he is not a good person. But he is a really good dad and would do anything for them and when his youngest is with him, she is clingy and affectionate and tells him she love his, so I don't see anything that would indicate a problem with him as a parent. I just don't get why his X is still so angry after 5 years of divorce that she initiated and being remarried. She should just be enjoying her new life and letting the past go and forgive. i guess some people never get to that point. I realized something has changed with him. He is really tired a lot and seems blah. Of course it could be his kids and all that dysfunction, but he has gone through this before and seems not to hold on to things for long. Then it hit me. He has been on high blood pressure medicine for a couple months now. He started with a half of a pill and it did affect him a bit but not too bad. He just started taking a full pill and he is really tired all the time. He yawns a lot. And he just seems blah. I think its the medication. I thought it was me and maybe he wasn't so into this anymore, of course cause I worry about everything, but now it makes sense. He needs to lose weight, he is a big man and he knows that. I don't say anything because I like him how he is, but if he talks about losing weight I will encourage him to do what he talks about doing. I think if he dropped some weight he might be able to get off the meds. He has been talking about walking and eating healthier. We will see if he does it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Update: Guy #2 broke up with me! Yes, this morning on text, what a coward. He says Im sorry I hurt you, I want to break up and don't want to go out anymore. Your a nice person, but Im not feeling right and need to figure that out. BLAH BLAH BLAH. You know the typical, its not you its me. I asked him to tell my why, and he said there is nothing to say, I just don't feel right. Glad he did it now before we were together too much longer. He had been becoming a bit distant. I knew something was up. My birthday sucked with him too as I paid for the food and cooked my own birthday dinner. He brought a cake. Thats it. I went to the ER with the cut in my finger and he didn't even ask how I was that night or text me to check in on me. I was getting a bit weary of his relationship with his daughter too. He would cater to her like she was on a pedestal. It was all about what She wanted know matter what was happening. Even his birthday dinner was about what she wanted to eat, not about what he wanted. He was so unaffectionate with me. I know I journal about this before, but it was that way from day 1 and it never got better. He rarely touched me unless we were having sex, which was also weird and disconnected. I'm not happy of course that this happened, but Im not broken hearted either. I haven't been journaling as much about him because I knew something was off. He was so boring to me. He has beliefs that didn't match mine and the relationship was becoming stressful and anxiety ridden. The drama in his life is bad to with his X wife and kids not wanting to see him. I was starting to day dream about being with someone else. I like a bit more fun, and less drama. The bummer is he has some of my stuff at his house from the garage sale we had. I only care about the scooters and table that is my X husbands, everything else doesn't matter. He said he will bring my stuff back. I of course don't want to see him and will just let him leave it on the driveway and I will move it later. This part sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm sorry, Janut. I know things seemed off and even though it's over, I'm glad your feelings were justified. Be kind to yourself and hopefully you'll recover. I think you'll be okay! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm sorry, Janut. I know things seemed off and even though it's over, I'm glad your feelings were justified. Be kind to yourself and hopefully you'll recover. I think you'll be okay! Thank you! Im sure this will sting at some point, but I really was thinking of breaking up with him a couple of weeks ago. After the whole Im not ready for sleepovers and shacking up a couple weeks back, I kind of disconnected. I took a few steps back and observed and didn't really like what I saw. The bummer is I just introduced him to my kids. UGGH. Thank goodness they didn't spend lots of time together. They didn't see much affection either. So all and all, Im ready to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm sorry and I'm glad you are seeing the blessings in this too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm sorry but it seems to be for the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Thank you both. Im trying to look at the blessings. It wouldn't of worked in the end. I think he still is in love with his X, even though she treated him so badly all the time. Even in the marriage, she would verbally and physically abuse him. Maybe he misses that dynamic. Im not sure. He would say at times that she was the one who broke up the family and so he just hasn't really let go of her. He would listen to her yell at him and swear at him on the phone and not hang up. I would of just hung up on her if it was me. But maybe he liked that attention. Too much drama there for sure too. I will miss his mom and his sister in law. They were really nice to me and kept thanking me for making HIM happy. LOL I guess it wasn't true after all. I would like to find a man who is affectionate, has a bit of a edge but a kind heart and can communicate. Someone who can have a drink once in a while, Guy #2 was a recovering Alcoholic but hadn't drank in 25 years. Someone who doesn't have constant drama in his life and likes to have fun. Go to festivals, farmers markets, go away for a weekend. Maybe someone who doesn't have teenagers too? I'm up in the air with that one. Maybe someone who doesn't have a spoiled kid. LOL I love kids, just not when they are so entitled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Sorry to hear that it ended janut, but I kinda saw it coming when you said he didn't want you staying over (citing various reasons). I think it's for the best that it didn't drag on. That's a good list there you made about the kind of man you want to find. I'm sure you will find him!! And I think it doesn't matter if someone has a teenager, if he has good boundaries and enforce those boundaries (which guy #2 clearly doesn't given the way he puts up with his ex and his daughter), then the child shouldn't be hard to deal with no matter what age they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think teenagers can be very difficult no matter how good the parent is at "boundaries". As far as his daughter I don't think the OP had enough information/knew the child well enough to know whether she was "spoiled" or not, or what else was going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 I think teenagers can be very difficult no matter how good the parent is at "boundaries". As far as his daughter I don't think the OP had enough information/knew the child well enough to know whether she was "spoiled" or not, or what else was going on. Yes I did have enough information. I hung out with him and his daughter a lot! Im not sure why you say that. I observed the relationship. He gave her everything she asked and never said NO. She walked all over him and he wouldn't stand up for himself because he was too afraid she wouldn't come during his visitation if he did say no. It was ridiculous! There were several times that he wanted to come to my house, but she didn't want to go. He wouldn't come if she said no so she ran the show. My kids were happy to entertain her if she did come. We have video games and movies etc, so she would of been fine. She always wants him to play baseball, basketball, volleyball, tennis, toy guns, ride bikes all day long cause she is bored. He does this even if he has company, like on his birthday bbq with his family. He was outside with her more then with his company. This is just a few examples. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Sorry things didn't work out. It sounds like you two weren't on the same wavelength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 That's ok -we just have different understandings and opinions of what it means to know a child on which to base an opinion that he/she is spoiled or a similarly negative labelI understand that you feel you have enough information (and that you were able to have an objective perspective). I respectfully disagree that you did. I wouldn't feel comfortable judging her as you did (especially a child, especially a child who experienced divorce and that particular situation) given the extent and nature of your contact with her and given that you knew her and interacted with her only because of your then boyfriend. Obviously people can and do judge on far less -and especially children from what I have observed -and it's a shame in my humble opinion -can be unfair to the child to be labeled that way especially in certain settings (like school). It's just my opinion, is all. Obviously it's a moot point now with respect to this particular child -certainly your judgment had no negative effect on her or if so minimal and short-lived - and most likely irrelevant to your future relationships. (And, no, I have no bone to pick on this one - I have a young child but have never been in this kind of situation. I do understand that it must have been frustrating for you as a parent to watch another parent you were thinking of a future with make parenting choices with which you did not agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Yea, I agree to disagree. I never acted on my thoughts or told him or her any of how I felt because I wanted to be with him and understand the relationship. There was a lot of guilt around the divorce. He didn't want it and still is hurt by it 5 years later. Its sad, but some people have a hard time moving on. I have kids, they are not spoiled and treat other adults with respect. She just hasn't been taught how to do that and none of this is her fault. So I understand that. I would not of treated her badly and never did. I respected her space and would engage when appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Yea, I agree to disagree. I never acted on my thoughts or told him or her any of how I felt because I wanted to be with him and understand the relationship. There was a lot of guilt around the divorce. He didn't want it and still is hurt by it 5 years later. Its sad, but some people have a hard time moving on. I have kids, they are not spoiled and treat other adults with respect. She just hasn't been taught how to do that and none of this is her fault. So I understand that. I would not of treated her badly and never did. I respected her space and would engage when appropriate. I'm glad your opinion didn't affect how you treated her or the family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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