Online dating again journal

[janut1]

That will change. . .promise.

Hang in there.

I hope you see the progress and are able to acknowledge it.

 

I hope it does or I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't trust any men right now. They all suck.

 

Yes I see the progress and am trying to acknowledge it. Thank you!

 

I still have sad moments in the day. Im glad he hasn't contact me though cause I don't want to go back. Right now I like being alone and not having to deal with the stress and anxiety of dating him. I think Im actually crying less, cause Im not dealing with all that crazy emotional crap every day wondering if I would hear from him or when I would see him again. After a year that should of not been a thing really, we should of been in a good routine of seeing each other and being in each others lives. My intuition was trying to tell me something was wrong and I kept trying to quiet those thoughts cause I didn't want to acknowledge that the relationship was not going anywhere and was unhealthy. I still am not sleeping well though, and I hope that changes soon. I toss and turn all night long and it shows in my face. I look tired. My sister says its cause Im trying to work things out in my head. I hope I can sleep soon.

 

I realized something else. When I was with my XBF before this one, I felt beautiful and loved. When I was with my most recent X, I felt ugly and unloveable. That should of been a sign. Good to remember for sure.

[janut1]

It looks like my "guy" friend blew me off for drinks tonight. He said he could fit it in anyway, but I thought that might happen since today is his brothers funeral and its not close by and he went with his sister. He also did not check in during the week to make sure we were still on for drinks tonight, so I wasn't counting on it anyway. Im sure this is a emotional day for him and his family too. He is not my solution for my relationship woes, and I am not looking for anything right now anyway. Friend okay, anything else not ready. So all this to say, Im glad I am not meeting him tonight.

 

I still feel a bit lonely sometimes. But, I feel so much better not being on the emotional rollercoaster ride I was going through with my X. I know once I start work, that lonely feeling will subside even more because I will be busy learning a new job and meeting new people. Im excited to get out there and work. Im sure that feeling will fade in time after working for awhile, but yea Im ready to move forward.

[janut1]

Im feeling much better the last couple of days and Im not thinking about him as much. I will actually go hours without thinking about him. That is progress for sure. Im realizing that I allowed this relationship to go on longer then it should of and that I deserve much better. I also realized I was a emotional mess during the relationship and it probably hurt a lot of other things in my life, which is NOT GOOD. I don't want to go back to that feeling or stress again. I want a relationship that makes me happy to be in

 

Even thought I was hired for a job, the training doesn't start until the end of April, and its not the ideal job. So I am still looking for jobs daily. I had a second interview yesterday, and it went ok. I was hoping to blow it out of the water, but I could not get a read from the HR lady, so I am not expecting much. I would love to work at this place because its right up my ally and hits all my experience, and its close by to my house so the commute would be zero. I could probably ride my bike there during the summer once I am fully recovered But anyway, need to keep looking as I am not really sure about the outcome. Im trying to stay positive, but time will tell.

[reinventmyself]

Im feeling much better the last couple of days and Im not thinking about him as much. I will actually go hours without thinking about him. That is progress for sure. Im realizing that I allowed this relationship to go on longer then it should of and that I deserve much better. I also realized I was a emotional mess during the relationship and it probably hurt a lot of other things in my life, which is NOT GOOD. I don't want to go back to that feeling or stress again. I want a relationship that makes me happy to be in

 

Even thought I was hired for a job, the training doesn't start until the end of April, and its not the ideal job. So I am still looking for jobs daily. I had a second interview yesterday, and it went ok. I was hoping to blow it out of the water, but I could not get a read from the HR lady, so I am not expecting much. I would love to work at this place because its right up my ally and hits all my experience, and its close by to my house so the commute would be zero. I could probably ride my bike there during the summer once I am fully recovered But anyway, need to keep looking as I am not really sure about the outcome. Im trying to stay positive, but time will tell.

 

Nice to read your update. You sound much better!!

Good luck with the job search. I think you're really smart to have something lined up while looking for something better suited. . .Kinda like men, huh?. . lol

[janut1]

I didn't get the job I wanted and I am pretty upset. I guess it wasn't meant to be, but it would of been so great if I did get it. Now its looking and looking for another job and I am getting really tired of it. I hope I can someday look back at this terrible time in my life and laugh, but right now I think this is the lowest point I have ever been at. 2016 has started off with a huge disappointments. Losing my job that I actually loved was so hard. Now thinking of the job I was offered and knowing its not the exact fit for me makes me feel scared and worried about my income. I have so many bills and Im going to have to work extra somewhere else to make ends meet. I will probably have to start my own business again, which I dread. I really am so done working for myself because of the whole "getting clients" thing, taxes are brutal and its just not a great option. But I guess its better then living on the streets.

 

I posted this as a reply here and wanted to post it here to remind me if I get sad about my X:

 

"I wish I broke if off with my XBF earlier then I did. We dated for exactly 1 year. I told myself if I didn't feel that he loved me or if nothing changed in the way we were progressing, then I was done. I broke up with him the day after our 1 year anniversary. I should of left sooner because I waisted months of time hoping things would get better. He never talked about us as a couple, anything in future or love or emotions. It was the saddest most disconnected relationship I had ever been in and it caused me a lot of anxiety and stress. I will NEVER stay with anyone who does not talk about feelings or who is emotionally unavailable again."

 

I got a missed call yesterday and I recognized the phone number, it was my X's 12 yo daughters phone number. She did not leave a message but I wonder why she called me. Maybe she didn't know who's number it was since we rarely talked. My X had her send photos to me a couple of times and text me from her phone a time or two, so thats why I had her number. I hope she is okay, but I have come to the place where I am happy to be moving on. I cannot go back no matter what. I have to make a new life for myself. I am even thinking of moving, but I will have to wait for that decision after I get a job.

 

I know right now my focus has to be on getting a job. I am starting to get scared and I hate that feeling. Just too much bad stuff going on and Im trying to stay positive, but some days its hard to do.

[janut1]

Well its been over a month NC now and I am feeling a lot better. I don't think about him every minute of the day and have actually long periods of time where Im not thinking about him at all. I have had a few weird dreams with him in them but I think that is normal. Of course I still miss the companionship, we did talk everyday but thats easing up a bit now too.

 

Yesterday I was talking to another friend and I realize that I have come along way and that relationship taught me a lot. While talking to my friend it was clear that I was not acting like myself in the relationship to appease him. He was very set in his ways and I knew that I couldn't do certain things. I couldn't swear around him, even thought Im not a big swearer. He was deadly against it and I would try hard to never say any bad words. He did a slip a couple of times around me though and I would think hmmmm.. he just said the F word, I thought that was a big NO NO.

 

We also could not watch R rated movies most the time. He was a Christian and so Im I, but I am not a prude and definitely not prejudice. He didn't have cable so we only watched things on Youtube or Netflix, but most were things that would put you to sleep like documentaries. He didn't seem to like to watch any movies with african americans in them and would always comment about how movies were PC and had to have the token asian, african american etc because they had to conform to our PC ways. I think he was against African americans because his X wife married one after their divorce, but thats just assuming. He certainly wouldn't be someone I can sit down and watch Game of Thrones with.

 

He also did not like tattoos and I have 2 and a nose ring. He told me that people who have tattoos are being pressured by society to conform. I said you know I have 2 tattoos and he said yea, I see the one on your wrist. At that time I wonder why he even bothered with me since I must of been pressured by society to get m tattoos. I knew I would not be getting another tattoo since he would frown upon it if were stayed together. He also told me he wouldn't hire anyone who had tattoos. I just feel like I was wrong no matter what I did, say or was. He was set in his ways and we are really different from each other. I never spoke up, and rarely would argue with him about his values etc because I didnt want to challenge him. That is just not okay. I have to be able to say how I feel and communicate. I was so afraid that he would leave because I wasn't feeling secure in our relationship that I just acted like a door mat. Never again!

 

There is more and I can go on and on, but what I have learned is I should never change myself to be with someone else! I have to be myself and if they don't like it its too bad and they can hit the road. I am a nice person, but being nice does not mean being walked over or manipulated in any relationship.

[Batya33]

Is it possible you benefited from this relationship because in some ways you found this type of control manly and you liked being able to think -if not say - "I would like to ____ but my boyfriend wouldn't like it". I used to get annoyed with friends of mine who had to ask their boyfriends "permission" to meet for dinner on a weekday night and everything was "we" this and that. Sometimes it gives the controlled person an excuse not to think or act out of the box/comfort zone.

[janut1]

Is it possible you benefited from this relationship because in some ways you found this type of control manly and you liked being able to think -if not say - "I would like to ____ but my boyfriend wouldn't like it". I used to get annoyed with friends of mine who had to ask their boyfriends "permission" to meet for dinner on a weekday night and everything was "we" this and that. Sometimes it gives the controlled person an excuse not to think or act out of the box/comfort zone.

 

 

Good thing to think about. My first reaction is NO WAY! I never have been a person who liked to be controlled. We only saw each other 2 days a week, and I had lots of time to do other things. BUT I have to admit that when I did go out with my friends, I wouldn't tell him I was going until after because I thought he might disapprove. And again, I was not secure in the relationship. He didn't have friends that he went out with at all, so I felt guilty for doing it. I never asked his permission to do anything and did what I wanted though.

[thejigsup]

Most of my married friends have to get their husband's "permission" for us to hang out. I have never understood that. It's not like their husbands don't know me, they do. They know I'm not going to introduce them to other men or anything. It's just that they have to ask them if they can have lunch with me. smh.

[Batya33]

Most of my married friends have to get their husband's "permission" for us to hang out. I have never understood that. It's not like their husbands don't know me, they do. They know I'm not going to introduce them to other men or anything. It's just that they have to ask them if they can have lunch with me. smh.

 

I don't need permission but we talk about our plans to make sure it doesn't interfere with something else we have planned. I do think when it comes to child care responsibilities it's considerate to check in with each other to see if the other person minds watching the child on a particular day/night.

[janut1]

I am doing pretty good, but yesterday was a dip for me. I cried and I haven't cried in awhile. Im sure this is normal, I just felt lonely and missed my companion. I know that its over and have come to terms with that, but Im angry with myself for putting up with his emotional distance and lack of affection and intimacy for a year. What was I thinking? I see other women doing this on the boards and I think WOW, I cannot believe how stupid I was. Why do we put up with this stuff?

 

Im worried about my ability to be in a healthy relationship. It seems that I try to make things work instead of accepting that its NOT working and walking away. Im taking this time out to really try and understand this so I don't make this mistake again. I was not myself in my last relationship. Funny cause I was totally myself with my short term guy before I met my recent X. He seemed to bring out the real me that I usually hide and I really like that about him, but thats all that was good about him. But this recent guy, I was so subdued, didn't speak my mind, was not my silly self most of the time. He was so straight laced and judgmental and I saw my X husband in him a lot of the time. Full of drama with his X and some of the things he would say I didn't agree with but wouldn't tell him that. Most the time I tried to just laugh it off. I knew deep down that I would never want to marry him and that I was wasting my time with him. But I didn't want to be lonely yet again. I kept telling myself maybe it will change and Its hard to find anyone that you can relate to. I know I was wrong to stay as long as I did and wanted to break up with him many times but couldn't pull the trigger.

 

Since my divorce almost 6 years ago, I have not been able to see a unhealthy relationships quick enough. So Im really trying to figure out my motivation to be in a relationship that isn't working. The underlying reasons I've come up with is; I don't deserve to be happy, Im not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, so I don't deserve anything good. So still self esteem issues are causing me problems and I don't think I can ever get fully over the fact that I don't really love myself and never have. I don't like the way I look. I lose weight and exercise and nothing firms up, Im never going to be that beautiful women you see on tv and on the beach in the gorgeous bikini body. I have to find a way to believe in myself and get confidence even if I am not that gorgeous women. Confidence is sexy and I know that. I have felt it at times in my life, but its hard to get there when you don't think very highly of yourself to begin with. I do know that I am a loving caring person. I know that family means everything to me and I cherish the times I have with my family. I would like to meet a man who feels the same way about his family too. I also would like to meet a man who truly loves me for me imperfections and all. I don't think men can do that though it seems they want perfection and beauty even at my age.

 

Uggh. Lots to think about and work on for sure. I have to get back to feeling good about myself or this will never turn around for me.

[Realitynut]

Janut1....haven't been following your journal. Saw you on another thread...and your age. See you're going thru a breakup....me too.

 

Will start reading your journal tonite...to keep away the loneliness.

 

((hugs))

[janut1]

Hi realitynut, Yes, going through a breakup and its been over 5 weeks NC. I am feeling better now and its seems to be a quick healing this time for many reasons. I have other things to work on before I venture out and date again. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about whats going on with your breakup.

[Realitynut]

Mine has been with his new woman basically 6 weeks. But hiked with her Jan. 31. I went to his house that night....and the next day was super cold. (after having sex that night tho....lol) And when I wanted to cuddle the next morning, he jumped out of bed, and said...(amongst other things) I don't want to have another year, like I've had the last two!!!

 

And took all my clothes and belongings that I've had there (for years) out to my car. I was crying and touching him and saying...but 'Sweetheart'...and he snapped back...I'm not your sweetheart.

 

He then said, I was perfectly happy when I went to bed last night. (I came at midnite as a surprise attack!!! lol)

 

Anyway...I found out later, that he had been hiking that day...and met her.

 

Make all perfect sense now.

 

 

That was like Feb. 1. But he came to my house...unannounced on Valentine's day and shoveled my driveway. (light snow)

 

Last contact...2 weeks and 2 days ago when he came to my office. The very next day...camped for 2 days with her...long story. Told someone we know..."she needs to move on...."

 

I will read all about you tonite. I should be outside working...lol I miss that 'OLD Tom'....but he was only nice to me about 10% of the time.

 

Funny...how when you're young...you never saw your life going this way!!!

[thejigsup]

I don't need permission but we talk about our plans to make sure it doesn't interfere with something else we have planned. I do think when it comes to child care responsibilities it's considerate to check in with each other to see if the other person minds watching the child on a particular day/night.

 

Different age group. Most of my friends are grandmothers. Hubby's retired. They have NO social obligations such as a job or children, yet hubby gets mad if they don't ask permission. Not inform their husbands where they are going,that is called common courtesy and I would hope they did that. No, this is more along the lines of "May I?" It's part of what keeps me happily single and why they tell me they envy me.

[Realitynut]

My gf always said...Carla...you're not the self-confident woman that Tom first met. He liked the independent Carla....not this needy, crying Carla.

 

So true. He said to me on St Pat's day...when we were having a talk....I never knew you were so insecure.

 

well...duh. And he didn't help any.

 

I should have said...and I didn't know you were such a cold assss commitment phobe!

[Realitynut]

Got your whole journal read! When you first were falling for him, I started crying. It made me miss my ex, and us being together. Then when you broke up at 3 months, I thought...OH MY...you must have met another guy since then! lol You weren't that broke up over him....at three months!

 

These are my thoughts:

 

He's not affectionate. Like you said, his love language is acts of service. And he did those very well. I was wondering if he didn't have sex with you for so dang long, was because his wife always told him how awful he was at it! That could make him insecure in that department. Then when I read how HEAVY he was....sheesh. That would turn me off right there! My ex was 5'8" and 230. Skinny arms and legs...but very muscular. But big stomach. I always thought he looked like an albino gorilla when he'd be picking his clothes up off the floor...lol

 

Your ex might not have wanted sex because of his weight, and feelings of inadequacies! Let me tell you, weight has kept me from meeting new guys and unrobing!!! I had a Tummy Tuck over a year ago, and that has made a big difference. But the past year of hot/cold with him, I put on 20 pounds...IN A YEAR! Every time he dumped me (which was almost every other week) I'd go buy cookies, and a new favorite pie I had just discovered!

 

It doesn't seem like you turn to food for comfort!

 

You missed the Passion in your relationship, but he was there for you in other ways! Taking care of you. When you said that at Easter he was probably at his parents house having fun playing board games....I thought...'don't be so sure'! He might be missing you WAAY more than you think!

 

You broke up with him, and he thought you meant it, so why bother contacting you! And I'm glad he didn't. I wouldn't want you to be on the roller-coaster I was on for 2 years. (the 10 months before that....before sex....was GREAT)

 

And speaking of sex...my guy was EXTREMELY passionate. Best kisser, best sex I ever had. Another reason I miss him. But he was never consistent. I couldn't count on him. He'd be very passionate, even saying "i really do love you" and the next day cold as ice...and I could tell he didn't want me around.

 

My guy never did anything for me, except during those brief moments he was pursuing me. Then he was all helpful. But the minute he pulled back, and I became the pursuer....he was a different person.

 

I do think your guy loved you. As much as he could love another woman. He was still recovering from his divorce. I find it extremely humorous that his ex married a black guy...and this guy was racist. lol

 

At least you ended it. And your marriages. I was never that strong. I just stayed...and they dumped me.

Much better for you to go.

 

I couldn't believe you found a guy right after you got on the dating sites! geez...I met up with 40 guys before I met my ex. And I've met up with 10 in the past 2 years. Nothing has clicked. He was the only one....and he got me with his humor and intellect. We were, as they say, on the same wavelength.

 

But talk about feelings????? lol....HELL NO. 2 years ago, after we had been having sex for only a month or two, we were laying on my bed. I was wanting to talk. He was also seeing another woman...but casual. No sex...just fun stuff. So I'm talking away, and he says, "you sure like to talk a lot after making love. After my ex-wife and I were done doing it....we'd just say...'ok...what's for breakfast'!

 

One time I came over ( a little less than 2 years ago) to his house and I started talking. He said, "if you mention one thing about a relationship, you can just turn right around and leave."

 

I shut up and stayed. and stayed. and stayed. Or tried to. He kept pushing me away. and I still stayed.

 

I understand about....why are we here? Our purpose. And what we were hoping for in life.....

 

I have a beautiful...albeit needs cleaning home...lol....I now have some friends. Driving them away talking about Tom. They were friends with him too....and still are. So yeah. sucks.

 

I know i'm derailing your journal. Just catching you up on my life....and yeah...it's hard.

[janut1]

Realitynut. Thank you for reading my whole journal on my XBF. LOL You summarized it very well! I really don't think he misses me, but I guess I'll never know and thats ok. I think you are right about the sex part. But he was awful in bed, so Im sure she did tell him that. I think I wrote that she told him that she finally met a man who could please her in bed. He told me that so I know it is stuck in his head. Hard to say it, but I agree with her. I think he is just not able to connect for some reason and it may be something he will never fix. He expects you to please him, but you don't get much in return. I have to say I have NEVER been with a man like that before so it was very odd to me and I was a bit confused at first and kept hoping it would get better. That was my BIG downfall, the HOPING. Thats all I did for 1 year. Hope and nothing ever got better. He was very overweight but I find that even men who are overweight don't seem to be shy. He would walk around naked in all his glory. HA HA, he looked like a gorilla and walk like one too.

 

The guy I dated before my X was the best lover I ever had in my life! But he wanted a FWB so I left him because I am not good at casual. I have had some luck on OLD, true, but they always end up to have some sort of problem so not sure how great that is. LOL My daughter is convinced that OLD is just full of losers. Im not sure I totally disagree.

 

It sounds like you need to move on a bit faster then you do. The roller coaster ride is awful and at some point you need to hop off. You just know this man is going to come back to you again, because he knows you will let him. If I were you, I would tell him NO MORE. He lies way to much and you will never be able to trush him. He will toss you again as soon as he is done with you. Someone here told me to decide now what I want to do if my X comes back and to stick to that decision. You might want to work on that now too.

[Realitynut]

Hi J! I would say he might come back too...if he hadn't met his 'kindred' spirit. lol

 

The first time we made love...he jumped up all panic stricken and said....Now I know what you meant about passing over that friendzone. Don't call or text me tomorrow! WTH? We always had texted and talked...every DAY! I had the candles out....wine...etc. And I was left there crying. The very first damn time. The sex was great by the way....and I thought YAY....best friend...best sex...win, win. Didn't happen.

 

Now I KNOW he didn't do that with the new girl. Have sex and then not see her the next day. Because they slept for 2 days in a tent...and a week later, she spent the whole weekend at his house. (I did a drive by...and the said...NEVER AGAIN!)

 

I've said too....OLD....losers! Especially in my area.

 

I nice guy wrote to me a week or two ago. Nice looking. Short and overweight. But not bald and not bad for 58. But he lives an hour and a half away! I don't know if I want to do that!! I did for over 3 years, a 4 hour drive. But I thought that was to end in marriage. (yeah...I AM dumb! lol) This new guy is perfect on paper. Basically everything I'm looking for. But I don't think I'm ready yet. And I told him so. When I'm still thinking about Tom 95% of the day...my heart isn't ready to meet someone else. I wasn't planning on it...he wrote to me! I was shocked. We've got to the texting part this weekend. But I didn't text him last night....and he didn't me. I will let him text me next.

 

I drove 2 hours out of town to go kayaking this past Sat. and I realized how much I hate driving! lol I wanted someone who lived about a half hour or less from me! lol And I can't have him drive to my house...it's a MESS! lol

 

Are you going to get back on the dating site? What did you think about Christian Mingles? People wanted me to try it. eh. This new guy speaks of God quite often...and i'd much rather have that, than an atheist. My ex wasn't sure about the God/religion/life after death stuff.

 

I always skipped the Atheists on OLD. Just not the same with my beliefs. And I know what you mean about your ex and Rush. My ex-H use to walk around the house all day with him plugged into his ears. YUCK. Republicans do sound so crabby and down on everything!!! lol (I come from a Republican family!)

 

I get attached WAAY too soon...especially if I have sex. But I've found...I don't like very many men...or women for that matter. lol And they don't like me! hahaha....guess it will be hard to find a good guy.

 

Haven't you heard? Good guys stay married...and their wives stay with them???

[thejigsup]

I've found most Republicans to be lighthearted and great conversationalists. They know so much about so many things and outside of Rush, who I can't stand, they are nice people. Dems are so serious. Always looking for something to prove how the gov't screws us. They.Don't.Let.It.Go. They get real old, real quick. Conspiracy theories are their main topic of conversation. No thanks.

[Realitynut]

LOL...Jigs. That is what all my liberal' friends say about Republicans. Angry Old Men! My friends call themselves....Progressives.

[janut1]

My XBF was into conspiracy theories and a republican too! He was very conservative and all about how others screw us over all the time, how the world is ending soon because of all of the crap thats happening. He is racist and hates gays. It got old quick listening to all of this and watching shows about it over and over again. The street preacher was the last straw. He loved this guy and when he had me watch him, he was degrading women and saying how we shouldn't of been able to vote and our breast were made for nursing only. I heard that and went WHAT? This guys is awful!!! He also tipped a waiter $1 because our food was cold. The poor waiter was not at fault and got us new hot food. I couldn't believe he did that. Once we were pulling into his driveway and a guy was taping a sign for recycling on the house. He flipped out on the poor guy saying if that tape ruined his paint on the house he would be calling his boss. He told him to NEVER tape anything onto his home. He was using that blue painters tape, and if his house paint came off that easy, that would mean he had a really bad paint job. There are so many things that made me go WTH?

 

I met both my X BF's on Christian Mingle, but I am not going back there anytime soon. I find that most of the men there are looking for a submissive gal or they are not very open minded. I have tattoos and a nose piercing and Im not going to change myself to make someone like me. I am a Christian, but I am NOT judgmental, or racist, so I guess Im looking for someone that believes in God, but has a open mind. I am not sure Im ready to date yet, and need to be very clear about what i want and be clear about my bounderies. Im not looking for casual, fwb or fb. Id rather be alone then go through that anytime soon.

[Realitynut]

lol...you'd think that people on Christian Mingle WOULDN'T be looking for casual or fwb.

 

I just tried so darn hard with tom. I really did. He made me laugh so much at the beginning. At the end...he was such an angry grouch!

[janut1]

lol...you'd think that people on Christian Mingle WOULDN'T be looking for casual or fwb.

 

I just tried so darn hard with tom. I really did. He made me laugh so much at the beginning. At the end...he was such an angry grouch!

 

 

No - I didn't mean men on Christian Mingle looking for FWB, I was referring to other OLD sites. Im sure there are men and women like that everywhere though.

 

I think you tried to hard. He hurt you a lot but you kept going back for more.

[Realitynut]

I think you tried to hard. He hurt you a lot but you kept going back for more.

 

Got that right. But he didn't see it that way. He said I made him so ANGRY. He said he didn't want to go thru another year, like he did the last two!!

 

Of course, this was the day after he had just been hiking with her all day! lol And I had no idea!! No wonder when I touched his arm to try and calm him down...and called him 'sweetheart'...he retorted back..."I'm not your sweetheart".

 

So true.

 

It still sucks...and really hurts tho. The last 3 times I saw him (in the last 6 weeks) he talked to me longer, and more about 'feelings' than he had in all the 3 years I had known him.

 

I guess he was all twitter-pated over this new chick...and felt all "feely"....ugh