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janut1

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Im starting this journal because I have started to date again after a 8 month reprieve after a break up with my now X BF. Im back on line and finding it fun and difficult all at the same time.

 

A little back ground: I met a man in October and partially dated him until the end of January. I really fell fast and hard for him. We had a lot of chemistry and I slept with him too soon. Not that that was what ended it, but I think it set it up to become a FB or FWB. He had two really bad life things happen to him and each time he pushed me aside and just went dark. He was a recovering addict and had lots of issues and red flags that I was not heeding yet again. He was emotionally unavailable and had a hard time with feelings.

 

The good news is I haven't seen or heard from him in a month now and I have to say I rarely think of him any more. At first it was hard, but his health got bad and he told me that he wanted to be left alone. So I stopped contacting him cold turkey. He has lots of drama and issues in his life and never really let me in. I think that it is a blessing that he went dark because it has given me the time realize that he would never of been someone I could be in a relationship with and to move on.

 

Next post I will talk about my new men and whats happening now.

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I decided to try on line dating again.

 

I have two guys Im seeing or starting to see This is about guy #1.

 

Guy #1 - We have been on 3 dates. I like him a lot but I am not sure he feels the same. Our first date was kind of strange. We met for a drink. He showed up looking like he just came from work. He would hardly look at me, but as the night went on he opened up a bit. He is shy I think. We hug good bye. He texted me when he got home, and no second date set up or anything. I have no idea how the date even went for him, but I feel some chemistry.

 

Date #2 - We went out again that Saturday. He picks me up, dressed nice, which is good cause I was wondering if he would a least make an effort to dress up a bit. We go to the movies, he grabs my hand and holds it during the whole movie. He tells me my eyes are beautiful. This date is going well. We go to have coffee after and have a nice conversation. He takes me home and holds my hand all the way home, and gives me a nice kiss goodnight, not too intense, just perfect. Im happy! He said let me know when you can see me again and thats how that ended. We text here and there, he is not consistent with texting, but its nice that we are talking. He calls me a couple times during the week as well. Just to talk, no date though. He knows I had the kids that week, so I feel like that is why. I let him know that I can date even with my kids at home, just no late nights.

 

Date #3. He finally asks me out yesterday (Sunday) for a early dinner. He gets up early on his work days so he is in bed early. I say yes. He picks me up, holds my hand all the way to the restaurant. We have an okay convo. I notice that he doesn't ask me a whole lot. I ask him questions just to keep the convo going. We have a nice dinner. He holds my hand all the way home, gives me a hug kisses me goodnight. This time I wasn't feeling so sure at all that he likes me. He didn't text me last night either. I texted him to thank him for dinner, he text back Your Welcome with a smily face.

 

I'm still not sure he likes me. I would like to ask him, but thats not going to happen as its way to soon. Im dating other people and Im sure he probably is too. But I am so used to aggressive men who are making more moves by now. He seems slower, gentler and thats good IF that is what he is doing or maybe the lack of aggressiveness is a sign he doesn't like me, or is that just me? He didn't ask me out again, so I am concerned about that too. Because I feel chemistry with him I am more hyper about what is going to happen next. He has flirted more with me on text then when we are face to face. I keep wondering what happened last night - but maybe nothing and Im just paranoid.

 

I have a bad habit of worrying way too much. If I could just look at the big picture... if he likes me I will hear from him, if he doesn't I wont. At least I haven't slept with him yet. I'm trying to take things slower this time around after being burned by the last guy.

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This is about Guy #2:

 

I had my first meeting (date) with him on Saturday for coffee. He is more talkative then Guy #1 has a lot more in common with me. He has 4 kids, been married just had grand babies born etc. He has his own business. (so does Guy #1, but he also works FT too.) He likes old cars, so do I. He actually owns a couple cool old cars. We both like antiques and stuff like that. He told me I look just like my photos and that I am very pretty. Always nice to hear that.

 

He has a really nice smile and over 6ft tall and a big man. He had shaved all his facial hair off so I didn't recognize him at first. I was disappointed because I like facial hair, but of course not a deal breaker. We had coffee and then went to the antique stores that were next to the coffee shop. Talking the whole time. He did chat about his X a bit. She left him for another men over 4 1/2 years ago. He knew the guy, so that probably makes it worse and it probably has bruised his ego a lot. If that continues on the next date, I will say something about it. All and all we had a good time but I didn't feel the chemistry I do with Guy #1. Its more of a friend vibe, but I'm willing to see if it gets better as I promised my therapist I would date multiple guys and allow things to grow. I have a habit of moving on if I don't feel chemistry right away or getting attached if I feel chemistry too soon. I see my attachment is already there with Guy #1. He hugged me twice at the end of the date.

 

He texted me later that day to tell me to have fun at my sons birthday party, which was nice. Then again on Sunday. I texted him today just to say good morning and we chatted for a bit. He said he would like to go out with me again if Im up to it. I said sure. So we will go out again, just not sure when yet. =

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Yes Coldarmy the first man did tell me he wanted to be left alone right now because he wasn't feeling well. I had witnessed his stomach issue first hand so I knew something was very wrong. I posted about it here somewhere. But him pushing me away for the 2nd time, was just enough to make me realize that it wasn't worth pursuing. The thing I miss with him is the way he laughed and the sex . It was awesome. LOL

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I haven't heard from Guy #1 since Sunday evening after I reached out and thank him for dinner and he said Your Welcome . I spent yesterday reflecting on why I feel so strongly about him. He really is not much to write home about. He is very hairy LOL Which I do tend to like, not that handsome at all. He needs help with his wardrobe, not a very nice dresser and wears no sleeve t-shirts a lot. He has hair on his nose even, which I want to shave off. My last long term BF had that too and he shaved it for me. What is with men my age with hair growing on their nose?

 

He is shy and quiet sometimes and that gives awkward silences that I want to rush to fill up. I hate when there is silence in a conversation, but that is my problem. He usually asks me what I am thinking when I get quiet but Im not comfortable telling him that if its about him. I should of asked him that on Sunday when he was quiet. He did seem tired on Sunday, so that might of been why he was quiet a lot.

 

I noticed by our texting history that he normally does not contact me on Monday or Tuesday. I reached out both times last week. So that somehow makes me feel better that he hasn't reached out yet.

 

He talked about massage and touch with me over text last week, erotic dreams but no detail what so ever other then that. That made me feel like he may be attracted to me some how, but again he doesn't show me that when we are together. I would like him to touch me more, but I have a feeling he is very considerate and taking it very slow, which is great and something I am not used to so that is why it feels different to me.

 

Funny how chemistry is there even when there is not a whole lot in the looks department. This happens a lot to me lately and I go by my feelings more then the view, which I had to learn to do. I only used to like nice looking men, but they are a bit dangerous as good looks means lots of attention from women and more choices for those men. Men are aging just like I am and have other things going on, like medical issues. It seem that every guy I meet has something wrong with them, but I guess that is to be expected?

 

But today I feel okay if I don't hear from Guy #1 again. I mean I can't push anything and I'm certainly not going to be needy or demanding of him or as some say a "bunny boiler". If he wants to see me again, he will make it known. So I decided last night since I was the last one to reach out to him, that I will back off and see what happens with Guy #1. I actually feel good about that decision.

 

I've been reading posts about multiple dating and how some people feel it is wrong. I think it is okay as long as you aren't sleeping with one of the people you are seeing, or both for that matter. I couldn't do that. Once I decide to sleep with one of these guys, I will then decide to let the other one go if I feel. It's not looking like I will have to make that decision anytime soon though.

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Guy #2, we talked yesterday he wants to go out again soon, but no firm date yet. Since I don't have my kids this week, it would be nice if he firms something up this week.

 

I'm interested to see if I like him more or less after the second date. He is chatty, and I like that. But I also noticed that he didn't listen to me a lot either and talked over me. I think it may have been nerves. First meetings are hard for both people because of nervousness.

 

I screwed up a bit with him when he asked me to go out again soon, I said sure just let me know when. He said Okay cool. But I should of said, when would you like to go out again and not leave it so open. Uggh. When will I learn?

 

Oh well, the ball is in his court now and there is no rush.

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Guy #2 update - he texted me today just to say hi and we set our 2nd date up for this weekend. Probably a nice drive to the "bay" then eating out some where along the way if the weather is nice. If raining, dinner locally.

 

I am still not sure about Guy #2, but this should be a nice day. I feel comfortable enough with him, almost more like a friend, but maybe I will feel different after this date. He is more easy to talk to then Guy #1, which is nice. Time will tell.

 

The first on line date I had after my 3 month of misery with the Jerk, I had a blast and couldn't wait to see him again. Second date was awful and I told him we were NOT compatible when he asked me out for the third date. I actually had a sick feeling in my stomach with him that day like something was off and I couldn't wait to get home. So you just never know whats going to happen. LOL

 

Nothing from Guy #1 today so far. Last time we texted was Monday AM. Ball is in his court and I will not chase him. Uggh, why does this happen with the guys I like. Everyone says he is just being respectful and taking it slow. I hope they are right and that I will hear from him soon.

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Hmmm....your ex was distant and guy #1 seems to be similar and you are attracted. Maybe it's the unavailability or the challenge or the mystery. I don't know. Just maybe keep an eye on a possible pattern for yourself of going after men who are emotionally distant seeming and stand offish?????

 

What was so wrong with the guy #2 date 2?

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Hmmm....your ex was distant and guy #1 seems to be similar and you are attracted. Maybe it's the unavailability or the challenge or the mystery. I don't know. Just maybe keep an eye on a possible pattern for yourself of going after men who are emotionally distant seeming and stand offish?????

 

What was so wrong with the guy #2 date 2?

 

My X that went dark texted me every day at least 2 - 3 times so it never felt like he was distant, but in person dates were rare. He told me twice that he was not sure about a serious relationship - he didn't want to get hurt and all that crap guys say when they don't want more then sex. He wanted a FB I believe and I was not going to be a FB.

 

Guy #1 - has been dating me once/twice a week in person, but doesn't text me as much. He is not distant as far as I can see just yet. He takes me out, pays for it, holds my hand and kisses me goodnight. I am just wondering why he hasn't really contacted me since Monday AM. Maybe date 3 was it for him, but I don't know for sure. Time will tell.

 

Guy #2 Only had one date with him. He talked about his X quite a bit, seems he is still raw from her cheating on him and marrying a guy he knew. But hopefully he will stop talking about her if not I will say something about it. He is nice, texts me every day so far and we have our second date this weekend. The chemistry was not as strong with him, but I am willing to see him again as he has more in common with me as far as family, kids, grandkids we go to the same type of church etc.

 

Does that help?

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Interesting. I decide to log into the dating site where I met Guy #1. His profile has been deleted. I wonder why he did that? My thought is either he has enough people to date right now, or he likes me, or he just tired of the on line dating thing all together. Who knows, just interesting to note.

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Interesting. I decide to log into the dating site where I met Guy #1. His profile has been deleted. I wonder why he did that? My thought is either he has enough people to date right now, or he likes me, or he just tired of the on line dating thing all together. Who knows, just interesting to note.

 

Or he was already dating someone and they decided to become exclusive? Or he deleted that profile and made a new one (happens all the time).

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I texted Guy #1 this morning. I have no patience! So I thought what do I have to lose if I reach out? Nothing really.

 

So anyway I text him good morning, how are you feeling.. then he told me that his Dr figure out his gout is being triggered by some meds he is on, which is good news. So after some back and forth text...

 

I asked him if he still was interested in going out, pretty bold of me, but I have nothing to lose. I am dating another guy, so I feel like its best to know. He told me he has been sick and his knee has been in a lot of pain. He finally went and got a cortisone shot to ease some of the pain. He needs a knee replacement, but doesn't want to do it till November.

 

I told him I understand and no pressure, just don't want to waste anyones time. He said you aren't! I said okay cool, have a nice day... he said you too

 

So thats where it stands. Now the ball is in his court and if he doesn't reach out it will be okay.

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I don't think it's surprising at all for chemistry to have little or even no connection to looks. I think Guy #1 maybe lost interest/met someone else, etc - after only meeting 2 or 3 times things can change on a dime.

 

I hope you have fun on your next date with #2!

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I don't think it's surprising at all for chemistry to have little or even no connection to looks. I think Guy #1 maybe lost interest/met someone else, etc - after only meeting 2 or 3 times things can change on a dime.

 

I hope you have fun on your next date with #2!

 

Its true. I've lost interest after a second date... But I asked Guy #1 if he was still interested, he said yes, so Im not sure why you think he lost interest?

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Update Guy #2

 

He texted me quite a bit last night. He just ordered new mattresses for his daughters and was talking about how to get rid of the old ones. I mentioned that I just bought a new mattress and am waiting for it to be delivered and then will have to wrestle my old mattress to the garage and hire someone to come get it along with some old couches I have. The place I ordered from doesn't haul away the type of mattress I have.

 

He said why don't we get a uhaul and do all the dumping at once? Great idea!

 

He is definitely more talkative, more helpful, more interested in me and my life then Guy #1 with what he has said so far. He asks me questions, remembers what I have told him and so far pretty cool guy.

 

I was just talking to my daughter who is dating a man who is helpful and its nice to have a guy say, hey let me help you with that. It's been a long time since I have had that offered to me. The last guy I dated (in the first post here) would tell me how to handle stuff, but not offer any help what so ever. That bothered me since he would help his recovering addict friends all the time. But that is past history.

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But I asked Guy #1 if he was still interested, he said yes, so Im not sure why you think he lost interest?

 

Because when people are asked if they're interested and they reply with a bunch of reasons why they can't plan a date (my knee hurts, I'm sick, I'm too busy at work, etc, etc), it usually means they're not really interested but want to be polite.

 

Of course, hopefully, this isn't the case and he will reach out eventually.

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Because when people are asked if they're interested and they reply with a bunch of reasons why they can't plan a date (my knee hurts, I'm sick, I'm too busy at work, etc, etc), it usually means they're not really interested but want to be polite.

 

Of course, hopefully, this isn't the case and he will reach out eventually.

 

I understand that and i will be disappointed if those were excuses and not the truth. But time will tell... balls in his court. Im focusing on guy #2 for now and we will see how it all plays out.

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Its true. I've lost interest after a second date... But I asked Guy #1 if he was still interested, he said yes, so Im not sure why you think he lost interest?

 

I agree with Miss Marple. What else is he going to say? Instead why not see if he's still interested by either letting him ask you out on a date or (the less preferable option but still an option) ask him out on a date.

 

I'd try to be more patient next time - sometimes people are interested but not over the moon yet and any hint of neediness that early on from someone they barely know can come accross as really needy and a big turn off. If you were dating regularly, different story.

 

If he really wanted to see you again he would have made it very clear that if he couldn't see you because of his knee pain he wanted to see you very much and that he would call you as soon as he had an idea of how/when you could get together. Please please don't take it personally-he barely knows you and you put him on the spot by calling. I am sure his knee hurts and I'm sure if he wanted to see you he would have made that crystal clear so that he didn't mess up his chance with you just because of knee pain.

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I agree about guy #1. If you asked him if he's still interested in you, and he said yes - the next obvious step would be for him to ask you out on another date. But instead, he gave you multiple reasons as to why he hasn't asked you out. I will be surprised if he contacts you again.

 

I'd focus more on guy #2. Sounds like a nice guy!

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I agree with Miss Marple. What else is he going to say? Instead why not see if he's still interested by either letting him ask you out on a date or (the less preferable option but still an option) ask him out on a date.

 

The truth? I asked him directly. Does everyone lie? It was a easy out if he wanted it. Just don't understand why everyone thinks everyone lies. Im not going to reach out again though. He will have to ask me out.

 

But now that I know he is on HBP medicine and has knee problems and gout, and who knows what else, I'm losing interest in guy #1. I dated someone for 19 months that had HBP, high cholesterol, knee issues and on and on. It really messes with a mans libido and Im not sure I want to go down that road again.

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The truth? I asked him directly. Does everyone lie? It was a easy out if he wanted it. Just don't understand why everyone thinks everyone lies. Im not going to reach out again though. He will have to ask me out.

 

But now that I know he is on HBP medicine and has knee problems and gout, and who knows what else, I'm losing interest in guy #1. I dated someone for 19 months that had HBP, high cholesterol, knee issues and on and on. It really messes with a mans libido and Im not sure I want to go down that road again.

 

I don't think he lied. I think he is interested but not interested enough to take you out on a date so he told what was mostly the truth. I wouldn't do the sour grapes thing "I don't want him anyway" -if he had asked you out again and said "yes I am interested! want to get dinner?" you would have declined because of his medical issues? Better to tell yourself: It's ok that he is not interested enough to ask me out again -he might in the future, he might not but it's ok -not everyone is going to be interested in dating me". I also think it's too forward to ask that question at that point when you can make your interest clear by asking him out -if you're going to go that path I mean.

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I didn't call him, I texted him. I don't think I sounded needy, just wondering. Its so much easier to tell people NO thank you over text.

 

But yea, I see your point and maybe I just blew it all to pieces. I don't feel like I did though.

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I didn't call him, I texted him. I don't think I sounded needy, just wondering. Its so much easier to tell people NO thank you over text.

 

But yea, I see your point and maybe I just blew it all to pieces. I don't feel like I did though.

 

You contacted him. That is all that matters when you decide whose turn it is to get in touch -it's part of the whole dance of early dating. When he saw that you contacted him and saw that you needed reassurance at this point about his interest level it didn't matter that you typed or called. and perhaps, like me, he's had very bad experiences with being "honest" about lack of sufficient chemistry or interest so it's easier to let silence =lack of sufficient interest in a second or third date.

 

(not game -don't play games - but don't tell yourself 'it's 2015 and I can call a man if I want to" - of course you can as long as you truly don't want a man who prefers a more traditional approach to dating -if you insist on a man who is 100% comfortable with your taking more of the lead than typical then you should hold out for that -but don't tell yourself stories about what feels right because what feels right when you're insecure about a guy's interest isn't always what's right although it is more instant gratification than patiently letting the man reciprocate interest or initiate asking you out more of the time).

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(not game -don't play games - but don't tell yourself 'it's 2015 and I can call a man if I want to" - of course you can as long as you truly don't want a man who prefers a more traditional approach to dating -if you insist on a man who is 100% comfortable with your taking more of the lead than typical then you should hold out for that -but don't tell yourself stories about what feels right because what feels right when you're insecure about a guy's interest isn't always what's right although it is more instant gratification than patiently letting the man reciprocate interest or initiate asking you out more of the time).

 

I have no idea what you are talking about here. Im not playing any games, I am being very straight forward, him maybe not so much. ^^

 

I would rather someone tell me they aren't interested then go dark. I feel that is a cowards way out no matter what date you are on after the first.

 

I have not asked him out once, which I have been told is NOT good. So I am not sure why you are saying this. I like a man to pursue me, always have. I am much older then you and have been around the block a few times. OLD is different though and most guys on this forum and others I am on say.. reach out to them to show you are interested. I don't do it as much as some do because again I like to be pursued, but we are in a different time. Yes, we had three dates, and the last one wasn't that great cause he was not feeling well and thats why I checked in on him to show that I care about how he feels. I don't feel I was acting needy by just asking him if he was still interested in going out. I've had guys do that to me and my first thought is not needy, they just want to know. Even my FWB who I talk about first on this journal asked me that, and believe me, he is not needy.

 

So at this point, I guess we can agree to disagree? Im definitely not perfect and I make mistakes. If this was one of those mistakes, then I will find out soon if I don't hear from him. I will learn from it and I will be okay. I haven't slept with him or put too much into this other then feeling some chemistry with him so not much to lose at this point.

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