Online dating again journal

[janut1]

I had a great Thanksgiving. I hosted it at my house. I had 14 people from my family attend. Food was great and the company great too. My oldest son and his GF cleaned my whole kitchen after and I was so thankful to them! That is the worst part about hosting, the clean up! But it was a very nice day even though I was exhausted after and had to work the next day.

 

I met Mr B after work on Friday, dragging my butt because I was still recovering from Thanksgiving and working that day, but it was all worth it. He cooked me dinner, we had a nice glass of wine and I stayed the night. Had to get up early and go home to get ready for work the next day but it was nice spending time with him. Is there such a thing as the best lover ever prize? If there is, he should get that. He is amazing and at 62 it's so surprising to me that he has that kind of stamina. I wonder what he was like when he was younger?

 

I like my job, but retail hours are starting to get to me. I work till 8pm most days, and then Im exhausted and its hard to get motivated to go out after work. I do it, because it is worth it to see Mr B or my GF but man its getting old already. That and not having weekends off is a drag sometimes. I decided to start looking around for another job. Since I have a job Im not as desperate, so it might be a good time to look. I have applied to a few so far and I will just keep looking until I find a good paying steady income job. I have nothing to lose.

 

So my best friend is having some trouble with my relationship with Mr B. She is happy for me, but also jealous. So I notice I don't talk about him much with her because I don't want her to feel upset. She wants a BF so bad and deserves a good guy. I know she will find him someday if she keeps open to it, but man this is a hard balancing act. She thinks that I will stop seeing her because of Mr B, but Im not like that. I make time for my friends even if I am in a relationship. If Mr B didn't like it, Id still do it. I won't give up my friends for a man. I did that when I was younger and it really didn't work out well. I think the worst thing is I am so happy and I don't want to have to subdue that around her and I shouldn't have to.

[Batya33]

Could it be that her reaction is one of concern since you are over the moon this early on? I know that feeling and sure she should be happy for you but perhaps it is partly concern. Also I think we all choose how strongly to express emotions depending on who we are around - of course there's a limit to that too but subduing in order to be thoughtful about someone's sensitivities is something friends do, too.

[janut1]

Could it be that her reaction is one of concern since you are over the moon this early on? I know that feeling and sure she should be happy for you but perhaps it is partly concern. Also I think we all choose how strongly to express emotions depending on who we are around - of course there's a limit to that too but subduing in order to be thoughtful about someone's sensitivities is something friends do, too.

 

No that is not the issue. She normally moves way faster then me in relationships to sleep with men she dates. She attaches quickly. We joke about that a lot and are really open with each other. I waited 6 dates she thought that was a long time. This is not concern if it was she would tell me. I am subdued around her because I know how she feels and I respect that.

[Batya33]

Very thoughtful of you.

[IAmFCA]

Your friend's relationship history may not have worked out so well, given that she is single now. She may have just figured out that she needs to move more slowly. She may be scared for you that it will end as her relationships have.

 

It might help to talk about it in a way that assures her that you understand that the future will be what it will be; we don't know until we get there. Its more about making a string of moments, and you are enjoying the most amazing moments...

[janut1]

Its been awhile since I posted here. It's Christmas eve and im at work until 3pm then finally off cant wait!

 

I work in retail and it's starting to grind on me. My hours are too long and too late and I feel as if im losing too much time with my kids and bf. I'm always working. So I've started to look for a new job. That has weekends and holidays off.

 

Not sure if I mentioned this but my X bf is dating someone in my town. I just saw his truck at target so I watched from my store to see who he's dating. I saw them walking so I decided to stand outside so he could see me not sure why I did that but as they drove by they both were looking right at me lol. Anyway I thought she would be beautiful but not so much. She is older looking wears glasses and has gray blond shoulder length hair. He looks the same still overweight.

 

I hate when I see him in town my stomach feels sick and I get anxious but by me standing outside looking right at them it made me feel empowered some how. So hopefully I can just move on and stop worrying about running into them here in town. For some reason I'm not sure if this is normal to feel so weird when i see his truck but I want to let it go and not care about him and her at all. Help!!

[Coldarmy13]

I think it's normal to feel uneasy or strange anytime there's a direct reminder of an ex that meant something to you.

 

I work in retail as well so I'm with you about the long holiday hours!

[janut1]

Hello again my journal!

 

Haven't been here for a very long time. I have been going through many many many changes. Its been overwhelming, scary, and sad.

 

Not sure where to start.

 

Due to our divorce agreement 6 years ago, when my daughter turned 18 I had to buy the house from my husband or sell it to him, or we decide to just sell it. My X wanted it and I could not afford to purchase it so he bought it from me.

 

My boyfriend ask me to move in with him, so I did and wow what a mistake that was. I work, he doesn't because he is on disability for all kinds of things he thinks he has going on. He drinks way too much and smokes way too much too... every day. I lasted 3 months and decided to get out of dodge. My very first husband was an alcoholic and I had no desire to do that again, He was sad when i told him I was moving, swears he is getting better, but coming home after work night after night to a drunk and stoned man was not what I want in my life. I had no one to talk to, it just made me even more depressed and so I move again, which was expensive and I am now living alone in a one bedroom apt. I miss my house, my kids and my life. I feel like I have nothing left and life is just not fun anymore.

 

Then my X boyfriend, that got me started posting on this forum after we broke up, starts contacting me saying he made a mistake and he still loves me and he's so sorry for breaking up with me... blah blah. I agree to meet with him and I have to say it didn't go well. He says sorry again and then says Im too skinny, and talks about all the things he didn't like when we were together which was all about my X husband really. I left that meeting feeling terrible about myself. First, Im not in a place emotionally to date now and he is the last thing I need to be worried or wondering about why he feels Im too skinny or if my nails are done and if Im still a good kisser. All of that was just a big turn off . He's so concerned about me and my knee pain and I felt kind of judged and wondering why I even went in the first place. Then after he text me and said I was acting nervous. Oh is that bad too? Of course I was nervous, I haven't seen him in 4 years. He lied a lot when we dated and I caught him in two during that one conversion. Small little lies, but he swears he doesn't do that anymore. Anyway, I have no desire to see him or go back down that road with him again. If we were meant to be together, we would still be together and he wouldn't of started dating someone before breaking up with me. Deep in my gut I think he is dating someone anyway. He is one of those guys who goes from one gal to another and Im not sure that has changed either.

 

My job is terrible, Im still in retail and they move me from one store to the other. My commute gets longer and they just decide to move me on a whim and it seems to be right when Im doing well at one store they move me to another store that has low numbers. Its got me to a point that I am going to start working on my resume and moving on there too, which is overwhelming me.

 

I have decided to go to therapy and have my first appointment in a couple weeks. I know I am depressed as I have no desire to do anything and prefer to stay home. It takes a lot for me to even do laundry or go grocery shopping. I haven't been eating much either.

 

Anyway, if you respond, just know that I know Im a mess. I know I need therapy and I know I have made many mistakes. I also have been divorced for 7 years, so that is not bothering me, its the house I lost and the kids are living with him there. They are adults now, but both going to school and working, and they pay their dad rent. But I miss them being around, having that companionship with them and cooking for them when I was home early enough to do so. I am a empty nester and alone. Also, yes I text and visit my kids often, its not the same as being with them every day. Oh and I also do not have my dog, my friend took her when I moved to my boyfriends. They love her and I cannot get her back unless I want to be a jerk. I miss her too.

[Batya33]

I am so very sorry you're going through all of this. I hope you find the strength to get through it and that things turn around for you very very soon.

[Jibralta]

He says sorry again and then says Im too skinny, and talks about all the things he didn't like when we were together which was all about my X husband really. I left that meeting feeling terrible about myself. First, Im not in a place emotionally to date now and he is the last thing I need to be worried or wondering about why he feels Im too skinny or if my nails are done and if Im still a good kisser.

 

He sounds like bad news

 

He lied a lot when we dated and I caught him in two during that one conversion.

 

Oh boy.

 

Small little lies, but he swears he doesn't do that anymore.

 

More lies! LOL

 

It sounds like you are going through a lot. I hope you feel better soon.

[Realitynut]

would you be able to get another dog? My pup is my life line. Everyone loves her. BF's miss her more than me! But anyway, it would fill up your empty space...unless your apt. wouldn't let you have one....

 

Give you something to care for, and they are so glad when you come home!!!!

 

Welcome back....

[janut1]

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I have decided to get another dog and yes my apartment allows animals which is why I choose this place to begin with.

 

 

 

would you be able to get another dog? My pup is my life line. Everyone loves her. BF's miss her more than me! But anyway, it would fill up your empty space...unless your apt. wouldn't let you have one....

 

Give you something to care for, and they are so glad when you come home!!!!

 

Welcome back....

[janut1]

Officially broke up with my BF a couple days ago. For some reason I was still hanging on even though I knew his alcoholism and drug addition was not going away any time soon. I think I was afraid of being even more alone even though I was not getting any emotional or loving support from him.

 

He keeps saying he is getting better with all the therapy he is doing, but they are not working on addiction because he doesn't want to tell his therapist he drinks or does drugs because he doesn't want that on his record. The real reason is he is just not ready or willing to deal with it. I think he forgets that I have been down this road before and know all the justifications for not getting help with addiction.

 

The last time I saw him we went to breakfast and he had 2 screwdrivers and that was after telling me he hadn't had a drink in a few days. Then he told me that he found out you can't stop drinking suddenly if you are on antidepressants. I know you aren't supposed to drink if you are on anti depressants, which he is and he is on anti anxiety pills and more. Once he starts, it doesn't stop, so we went home and he poured a glass of wine. I left soon after because I knew that he would not be stopping now that he started.

 

My girlfriend helped me see how I was the one doing all the work in the relationship. He rarely wanted to drive, didn't help me move in or out, and even though he didn't work, relied on me to buy groceries, or pick up dinner after work or on my days off. I was getting tired of it. Then I would come home to someone who was wasted.

 

He rarely would remember what I told him. I was texting him about my own depression one day and said something about my uncle passing away and he said wow, Im sorry to hear that happened. OMG, he died a month ago and I told him that and went to the funeral and told him that over a month ago!!!! He didn't even remember any of it. This happened a lot. His brains are fried.

 

In the 3 months I lived with him, he fell 3 times because he was so drunk he could barely walk. Once he fell in the bushes outside the restaurant we had dinner at. I could not lift him, so I had to ask for help. That was so embarrassing.

 

This all just makes me realize that my man picker is way off. This is something I will be talking to my therapist about as I work through my own issues. Every man I have dated since my divorce has had some problem that is not good for me to have in my life and at this time I am just not interested in dating, which is okay.

[janut1]

I have my grandson with me for a couple days. Its nice to have someone here with me. My daughter went to Hawaii for her birthday, which is so nice. Im glad she is doing something fun as she is a very hard working single parent.

 

I notice I rarely think of my current X. I feel a bit relieved that I don't have to worry about going to see him and feeling guilty when I couldn't because I had things to do. Then I think about how he never moves from the couch and how sad he is. I sure hope he gets help soon. He doesn't even understand that his drinking and drug use has caused him to lose me and his last girlfriend too I found out recently that she used to count his wine bottles in the garbage can.

 

I got my packet from Kaiser and they have a huge questionnaire that I need to fill out. Part of it is about drinking and drugs and one question says' Has your drinking or drug use caused problems with your relationship? I wonder how he answered those questions for his therapy. Most likely he said no. Its going to take a lot to get him to see that he has a problem, but its not my problem any more.

 

My therapy doesn't start till the 17th, which seems so far away. Im really hoping this helps . I need to find joy again, its sad just existing in life, Im not happy at all and miss everything I used to have. My house, my kids, my dog. I cry every time I drive by my old exit off the freeway, I just want to go home. I want to drive my car into my garage, go into the house, greet my dog, say hi to the kids. I want to go to my kitchen and make dinner for the family and have conversations about our day. Then go to my bedroom and settle in for the night and watch some shows I like. Life was good then. Now I drive home walk into a small apartment with no one around. Try to figure out what to eat and cooking for one is a drag. Going to bed a wishing for a better tomorrow which will never be again. My younger kids don't reach out much at all, but I make sure I do because I want to stay in touch of course. I love my kid more then anything.

[Realitynut]

Is this drug addict/drinker the Mr. B you were talking about in Nov.? If not...what happened to Mr. B? And how did you meet this guy? I don't date drinkers at all. Lived with an alcoholic for 3 years when I was 19-22. I swore NEVER again.

 

I barely drink. I'm an 'eater'....lol

[janut1]

Yes, Mr B is the drug addict/drinker. With my work schedule I only could see him a couple days a week. I wasn't seeing him do drugs during that time, but he would drink on occasion. Funny how love is blind in the beginning. When I moved in, I saw more of it as he would smoke pot all day and I was really shocked. Then there were times when he would have a glass of wine in his hand in the morning. I quickly learned something was not right. I swear there were 2 nights in the 3 months I lived there that he was sober and that was because he was sick. I got very turned off and started sleeping in the guest room.

 

On Halloween I asked him to stop smoking while the kids came to the door because of the smell. I was getting a bit upset about it . So what did he do? He smoked still but by the back door that he opened. He couldn't stop for a hour? WTH? In November he asked me if I wanted to do thanksgiving at the house, I said sure if you can not smoke and watch your wine intake while my family is here. He said, Oh guess we can't have thanksgiving then. That hurt me.

 

I have dated men who don't drink at all, which is fine and others who could enjoy a glass or two of wine on occasion. I was married to a alcoholic/drug user when I was in my 20's and he was a mean drunk. I left him and raised my kids alone as he was never really there anyway. At least this time I didn't have kids to worry about.

 

So yes, I agree NEVER AGAIN!

 

 

Is this drug addict/drinker the Mr. B you were talking about in Nov.? If not...what happened to Mr. B? And how did you meet this guy? I don't date drinkers at all. Lived with an alcoholic for 3 years when I was 19-22. I swore NEVER again.

 

I barely drink. I'm an 'eater'....lol

[Leah2337]

I'm so sorry for all you are going through! You are STRONG.

[janut1]

Time is moving forward. I already am forgetting about Mr B. I had a couple of dreams about him dating other women, not sure why, but I could care less if he does because he is who he is and I doubt any healthy women will stick with that type of mess. But, he may just find someone who enjoys getting drunk and high daily. LOL . Of course there are woman out there who will put up with a lot just to be in a relationship. Thats just not me.

 

Anyway, Im starting to look for a new job, but also starting my business again. I bought a domain name and will start working on getting that up and running and then I will need to decide how to market it. Ive been out of the loop for a long time, I do have a list of names from my old business and will use that list to introduce my business, then move on from there. I've done this before and know I can do it again. It will take time to get it up and running.

 

Im still sad and cry a lot but Im finding that focusing on my business and just whats next is helping a little. I also decided that I will be moving when my lease is up here to a small house or granny unit or something more private. Apartment living is really not for me. I don't like the constant traffic in and out and being so close to so many people. This place is very quiet when you are inside, which is great, except for the major traffic in the early am and pm when people are going to and from work. My apt is right next to the main road and that road is very busy. Its almost like living next to a freeway.

 

So all and all, things are moving forward. Therapy starts next week.