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Update Guy #2

 

Date #2 Lunch was good. We talked the whole time, very casual and he is very easy to talk to. He did not talk over me this time, which he did a lot on Date #1, but that could of been nerves. He is always dressed nice and clean. We hugged when we met and hugged when we parted. He did not touch me the whole time. So I guess I may need to initiate that if he doesn't on the third date. Not sure if I mentioned this before when I saw his profile picture, he had facial hair. He shaved off everything except his mustache. I like facial hair, so one day I will say something about that. He owns his on business and does well, so thats a plus. He also has 4 kids like me, but his youngest is 11 mine is 15. He owns two very cool old cars, which I love to. We have a lot in common which is good. As far as sparks, I can see some attraction so hopefully that will grow, but time will tell.

 

Date #3 planned for Saturday. Nice drive to the coast and lunch while we are there. We will probably hit some antique shops as we both love antiques.

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That's great that you have date #3 planned! What would be the reason for suggesting to him that he change his appearance based on your preference? Has that been done to you by men you've dated?

 

Good call Batya! I guess I shouldn't mention the facial hair thing. Just something I liked about his profile.

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I don't see the harm in telling him that he grows a nice beard and that you like facial hair on men...as long as you're not trying to get him change himself. A compliment doesn't need to be anything more than a compliment

 

It all depends on how it is said, why it is said and the context. It's not really a compliment when it's said after the person chose to change that aspect of his appearance.

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It all depends on how it is said, why it is said and the context. It's not really a compliment when it's said after the person chose to change that aspect of his appearance.

 

He actually shaved his beard off the day of our first date. He mentioned it to me. I didn't recognize him at first. There might be an opening for that at some point. I don't want to be rude or critical.

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He actually shaved his beard off the day of our first date. He mentioned it to me. I didn't recognize him at first. There might be an opening for that at some point. I don't want to be rude or critical.

 

Yes, if he asks you directly what you prefer you can tell him in a diplomatic way. Your heart is in the right place.

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Update Guy #2

 

He texted me 'good morning hope you have a great day' message today. I was happy to see that. When we parted yesterday after lunch, he said "I will text you later" Well I thought that meant later that day. He didn't text me yesterday so...

 

I noticed that I started to get anxious about him not texting when he said he would. I had to work through this by just telling myself that we don't need to talk every day via text, remembering what I have been advised here about you don't have to talk every day, and texting is not the best way to communication in the beginning stages anyway. Also "Later" may not mean today or tonight.

 

I have to say that my abandonment issues have sure increased since my last 3 month guy went dark on me over a month ago. I need to work on this big time with my therapist because these little things should not trigger anxiety so easily. I never used to get like this so its a problem.

 

I am meeting him tomorrow at 10AM to start our third date to the bay and to have lunch.

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I signed up for Match - wow what a mess that place is. I am so glad that I know the ropes a bit. I got about 10 emails from guys who say there subscription is ending today and email me here or text me here or both because they wont be back on there again. Geez, are people that stupid to believe that? The chat was going crazy to with men who have no picture. One guy told me he is in the service and deployed. Yawn, another spammer. On and on. Seems like a waste so far and the selection of men my age are is not very appealing either. I noticed that a lot of men that are on OKC are on Match too. One guy I see on every dating site I've been on. It makes me laugh.

 

Match kind of sucks so far, but I will see if things calm down a bit.

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If you have a date planned already I wouldn't worry about the texting -if he had given you a specific time to chat because you had something specific to chat about that would be different -he probably dashed it off without thinking clearly about it.

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Update Guy #2

 

Great date today. We went to the bay, took a hike around the ocean and it was a beautiful day. We saw a whale too. We had no idea that this is migration season, and there were lots of people whale watching. We talked the whole time, we never seem to have long silences, which I like. He makes me laugh a lot!

 

He took me to lunch at a very nice seafood restaurant. Food and conversation were great. I am starting to feel some chemistry with him which is good. I told him that I have fun with him. He said I have fun with you too. Awwww. No touching yet though, only hugs hello and goodbye.

 

We are going to see a movie tomorrow so I will be seeing him again soon.

 

Just a really nice day and I like that he and I have a lot in common too.

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I went out to dinner with my daughter and her boyfriend last night and we got on the subject of dating. They met online, although my daughter is embarrassed to say that. I was telling them my dating stories thus far and it was good to have a laugh about it all.

 

I was talking to my daughters boyfriend and said I don't like when you are dating someone for a short time and all of a sudden they go dark, no contact, everything stops. I told him I would rather they tell me...I don't want to see you anymore, then I know where I stand and can move on. He said for him, its best to just go dark. He said he feels that if a women isn't into him, silence is better. I was shocked. So maybe for men, going dark is better?

 

His point of view was good to hear. I thought about my last 3 month guy and after his health issue and him not letting me in, I just stopped contacting him. I guess that was a good thing since I went dark on him. I've been thinking about him and hope he is doing okay. I keep thinking about what made me just fall for him so quickly, and move so fast. I still don't know, but I am learning from that mistake and going way slower now. I just hope guy #2 doesn't ask me when I last had sex, it would be hard to say 5 weeks ago. Yikes!

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Glad to hear your dates went well, this one sounds promising!!

 

 

I think it all depends on the person--how they choose to end things. I think some people want to treat others how they prefer to be treated, so going dark is what they prefer so they do that to others...and they think they are being considerate.

 

Some people (including myself) are the opposite...In that they prefer a heads-up, and prefer to let their date know that they are no longer interested. I always do...If I have a bad date and the guy calls and asks for another date, I will decline and wish him well. Even if we have only had one date together...I just can't disappear...I don't like it done to me, and so I don't do it to others...

 

Some people might find it hurtful to be told that you no longer want to see them, and would prefer silence instead....

 

I don't get too upset of a guy disappears after 1-2 dates, but 3 or more dates...well, I think it inconsiderate if he disappears.

 

The thing is that you have no idea what other people may prefer (unless they have told you), so you may hurt someone's feelings whatever method you choose. You really can't win actually....We're all just sort of fumbling around when it comes to this whole dating thing, haha.

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Yes, I prefer to be told too. I had a third date with Guy #1 but had a bad feeling on that date like something was not right. He went dark too - of course I reached out and asked him directly if he wanted to see me again after not hearing from him for a couple of days, which was unusual..he always texted me at least once a day, and he said yes, but he really meant no. I think guys who do that are cowards. I mean Im not in love with you, just want to know since Im dating others and can take you off my rotation and not waste any more time. But maybe men think differently? Who knows.

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Sometimes it's just really hard to come up with a nice way of saying "I'm just really not into you". I have trouble saying that - I hate disappointing people. Even ones I don't know well.

 

Prior to the guy I'm seeing now - I had to break it off with a guy I'd been on three dates with. I did it over phone, and the pure devastation in his voice made me feel like a monster. Since then, I've only had to shut down one guy and I just went dark instead of confronting him. Yes, I think it's cowardly, but I did it anyway.

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Update Guy #2

 

We had fun at the movies. He picked me up at my house and I showed him around. He met my crazy dog and then we left. We talk easily with each other like always. He is not talking about his X much at all which is good. I got a nice hug goodnight. Better then he has been giving me but still no touching during the date. I'm not sure if he is just being respectful or if he is shy. I'm wondering if it's too soon to ask him what he is looking for. Should I just let him lead the pace of it and see where it goes or should I say something? He told me he will talk to me tomorrow when he left. I told him to have a good night.

 

He has talked about doing other things like camping and someday renting a RV with me. Could be fun but I'm hoping that it is a romantic thought and not going as buddies. I'm not used to guys moving this slow. But we have only been on 4 dates so maybe I'm wrong in thinking he should of made a move by now. Not sure how the pace should be with a guy who's is a gentleman.

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Ya, it is a bit confusing, no? I went through something similar with a guy that was slow as a snail and totally hands-off....anyway, I think maybe he is just respectful. If he keeps asking you out on dates, and you are still interested then go for it. I don't think it too soon to ask him if he is looking for a relationship or not. He could also be the type that is not very affectionate or "hands-on"...so it might just be the way he is, and will always be. Ask him.

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I think it's ok to ask early on what someone is looking for. It's the you ask though that's important. Ask what they are looking for as far as dating in general vs what they are looking for from you.

 

Thats a great way to ask! Today I asked him how often he likes to communicate - once a day, week etc. He said daily is good, he likes to say goodnight, etc. He said he loves to communicate with me, which made me happy.

 

But for the relationship question, I will do that over the phone or in person. I don't want to push anything and Im trying to be more patient.

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It seems to me like every guy in online dating is looking for just one thing! Sex

 

I agree with this to some extent. I have met a few men who are all over me and just want sex. I fell for it once with the guy I talk about on the first page of this journal. But I have learned to sniff it out now. Some guys want your email address so they can send you X rated pictures of themselves. In fact one guy admitted thats why he wanted my email address. I guess its pretty common.

 

I never give my email address out and Im clear that Im not looking for casual sex or FB FWB on my profile. You get a feel for what they are like quickly. Not that its a guarantee, but I've found less of that on Christian Mingle or EHarmony when I was on those sites. The only issue is you may find men on Christian Mingle who are not going to be okay with pre-marital sex, so if you want that eventually, that might not work either.

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I definitely DISAGREE that all men on line - or even most - are interested primarily in sex. I do think that many men have figured out that most women are not right for them for the role of GF -- this is true for all of us of any gender/orientation, its just math -- and take a practical view towards sex and relationships. If you are not GF material, but they dig you, they will have sex with you. As a woman, it can be difficult to tell the difference.

 

When I met someone who truly moved me to think seriously, I was ready for it and I was perfectly happy to ask him, point blank, after date #2: (1) How long since your divorce, and (2) I am interested only in something serious that may be long lasting or even life lasting - are you ready for that should it come to pass. And later, when it was relevant, (3) sexual exclusivity is a minimum requirement.

 

He answered truthfully, but didn't take me seriously at first. Even still, he remembers the conversations clear as day, and remembers how he reacted to them, and he remembers how he approached clearing his dance card (not fast enough). He told me then as he will tell me now in memory of it, that his opinion and desire for me increased by the directness of my questions, and the level-headed way I struggled with him while he got his act together.

 

Oh crumb. I didn't meet him on line.

 

OK example #2: I dated a man I met on line who is looking for marriage, dates frequently, and has no clothing-free intimacy of any kind until at least 6 months in to a regular dating relationship. Six months. Not from when you meet, either, but from when you decide to focus on one another.

 

I met a number of men who were relationship oriented, in fact. In the beginning, though, I met men who were looking for sex. My profile changed little, while I changed a lot. Somehow, the vibe I gave off had the effect of changing the sort of man that I found.

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