Batya33 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Of course there are always exceptions. Not everyone has the experience you do, but that would be a plus if a man I dated had a background with kids. I have dated men with and without kids. Some men with kids become overly kid focused for reasons like guilt for not being there and/or the "Disneyland dad" that goes overboard with trips and gifts. Others have normal relationships with them. Its just another factor to consider with OLD. Everyone is different of course. Yes I agree! I preferred not to date men with children when I was single because if possible I wanted to have our child be our first. I dated a man whose ex-girlfriend gave birth while we were dating -that was very rough -and had a few dates with a man who had children and I felt uncomfortable that he would want me to sleep over when he had his kids in his small apartment (meaning he said he would want that if we ever got serious). Interesting about the Disneyland Dad! Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 It's all relative. I don't have kids but it's one of my favourite subjects..obviously because of my job. I'd actually prefer to meet a guy with kids as long as they're not babies...and, even then, if I was really interested in someone, I would still date them. I could be wrong here but, in my opinion, fathers are more mature than non-fathers (I'm talking about ages over 40, of course and there are always exceptions but it's how I feel). Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I don't find fathers to be more mature than non-fathers just like I don't find mothers to be more mature than non-mothers. I do think some people become more responsible with a child to take care of but others who had really intense careers prior to parenthood -or who cared for elderly parents or similar -have had that same level of responsibility requiring that type of maturity as a parent. It also depends on why the person became a parent and how much they parent their child (men or women). Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Update Guy #2 He is so helpful. I bought a new mattress, didn't know that it didn't come with someone who would set it up for me and remove my old mattress. I ordered it from Costco, and I was pretty upset that they didn't tell me that when I bought it. But anyway.. he offers to help me set it up. The box the mattress is in is over 70 lbs and there is NO WAY I can move that upstairs by myself. I was looking for someone to help me move it on line and told him about the mishap. I'm not used to a man who offers help like that, my 3 month guy would tell me what to do, but never offered. Its so refreshing. He even offered to rent a Uhaul and help me get my old couches and mattress to the dumps. This is so nice it really is. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 Update Guy #2 He came over last night and helped me setup my new mattress and headboard. We had a lot of fun and laughed a lot while we hauled the old mattress to the garage, put on the new headboard and then mattress. He was able to get the heavy mattress box up to my bedroom without much effort. I still have my cold though, so I didn't want to kiss him and give it to him, but we did have a really nice hug. His moms birthday was yesterday so he called her while he was at my house to wish her a happy birthday. I heard him say, yea Im at (my name) house helping her set up her mattress. I was like yea she knows who I am. I will be meeting her, his dad and family next Saturday at her birthday party. Im looking forward to seeing him on Friday for dinner. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 I am in such a great mood today. I'm counting my blessings to be dating a man who is so different then anyone I have dated before. I have never waited this long to be intimate either and I am so proud of myself for taking it slow and really getting to know him first. I can feel the build up though and I'm curious how its going to be with him. My last X was not a great lover- the one I was with for 19 months. So I think about what if its not good with Guy #2? What then? I guess its a mystery until it happens and I have no idea when that will be, which adds to the fun really. My X was so bad in bed. I tried to work with him and things would get better for a time or two, then it was right back to the hurry up and finish. I never want that to happen again. I often wonder about those people who wait for sex until they are married. What if you are not compatible in bed? That would suck really and there you are married to the person and kind of stuck. Yikes! As you can see I am starting to think about intimacy with Guy #2. I know he is, as he texted me something that made me almost spit my coffee out last week. I won't mention it here, but it was like WOW, good to know. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 For me I could tell compatibility by how we kissed/touched each other and our chemistry. I'm glad you are having fun getting to know him! Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 For me I could tell compatibility by how we kissed/touched each other and our chemistry. I'm glad you are having fun getting to know him! Yes I guess that would be a good clue. My X BF was a terrible kisser - should of known by that. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Tonight Im cooking dinner for Guy #2 and Im nervous already. Its only 8:30am here. I have a appointment with my therapist before I meet him, so that should calm me down a bit. I hope dinner comes out great and we have a good time. He doesn't drink, so there won't be any alcohol to calm my nerves either. Maybe I will get a glass of wine or a shot in before he gets here Last night he texted me and said he was thinking about me as he was cleaning his kitchen. He had put a sad face in the text, so I said, hope that sad face is about cleaning the kitchen and not about me. He said the sad face is about cleaning...that I am his happy face! That was so cool cause I was thinking about him too. Something changed after our last time together putting together my mattress and stuff. I think we both are feeling the chemistry now something I can't explain has changed. I think we are going to get deeper with each other. He is a great guy and so far everything is good. But I am still keeping my eyes and ears open for red flags and trying hard to keep the rose colored glasses off. I'm feeling much better too. My voice is almost normal. I feel so happy these days. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Update Guy #2 Dinner went well. He brought me flowers and my dog a toy. How cute is that? The meal came out good, except for the mashed potatoes, not sure what happened there, but oh well. He enjoyed it and kept thanking me for making him dinner. After dinner we watched a couple of movies. He put his arm around me and I put my hand on his leg. He had a lot on his mind last night - his daughter, his employees work van breaking down. But he was still in a good mood. He left at about 11pm and we kissed and hugged and that was it. I was ready to have him stay, but I didn't get any clues that he was thinking that, so I let it be. Im fighting the urge to move faster then he is cause I am used to a guy wanting to be intimate by this point as I have explained before here in my journal. But my therapist and my sister have both told me that slow is good. So I am going with the flow. Before he left he asked me what I was doing today. I told him a couple things I'm doing, then he said he had a bunch of paperwork to do including getting a deposit ready for the bank - it has been two weeks and he has a massive amount of checks to deposit. He said he procrastinates on that business stuff. So I thought, why did you ask me what I am doing if you are busy with paperwork? It was a bit annoying. But then he said after I get that done, maybe we can do something together. I seem to misread what he is telling me sometimes I notice. So we might see each other today, but Im not going to count on it. I immediately thought he was saying he didn't want to see me - I really need to work on this abandonment issue more. Im working with my therapist on it but it creeps up a lot around men. He texted good morning already. He normally does not do that - so I guess all is well. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 It all seems to be going well except things do seem a bit too slow to me...on the intimacy front, that is. How many times have you met in total? Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 It all seems to be going well except things do seem a bit too slow to me...on the intimacy front, that is. How many times have you met in total? 8 times total in 3 weeks. Our first kiss was on date 6. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 Update Guy #2 I'm on my way up to his house in a little while to watch a movie and eat some take out. Then he wants to go to church together tomorrow morning. HA HA... no I doubt Im staying the night. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Can't wait to hear how last night went Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 Update Guy #1 YES, an update on guy #1 LOL He texted me at 6am this morning to tell me why he stopped talking to me. It's been weeks since I have seen him or talked to him. So he tells met that the reason he stopped talking to me is because our dates where short and I didn't invite him into my home on the 2nd or 3rd date. That he didn't know how I felt about him. So, I responded with , I wish you would of talked to me about this when we last saw each other or when I texted you last. That liked him and wanted to get to know him better when we were dating. And that the reason I didn't invite him in was because I have a puppy that jumps on people and I was worried about that. I didn't know him well enough to know if he would of been bothered by that happening. I could of course told him about the puppy, thats my fault. So it was a big miscommunication. But really in the end he should of told me a long time ago. Funny how he just now decided to reach out. So he called me later and asked me if I had my kids. I said no, but I was on my way to meet a friend. He told me he wasn't seeing anyone else. I took that opportunity to ask him why he didn't tell me this when we last talked. He said he wasn't sure and he is just tired of the miscommunications in dating in general and felt like giving up. He was very hard to talk to on our dates. He would be quiet for long periods of time, so I think he has trouble talking or is more of a introvert. On top of that it took him weeks to contact me about his "reasons" I never asked him why at all, so just so odd he reached out like that and at 6am. On our call he gave me that long silence that he did a lot when we dated and so I just told him I was at my destination and had to go. Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 Update Guy #2 Last night was awesome. We ate take out and watched a couple of movies and made out. He is warming up and I am really happy about it. We talked about intimacy and we are both on the same page and ready to go deeper with that part of our relationship. The chemistry is definitely there and Im so excited about that. I did not stay last night, but it was close. I got home around 12:30am and then woke up at 6am to the text that Guy #1 sent. Uggh.. I got up and got ready to go to church with Guy #2 this morning. We went to church, then out to breakfast and hung out at his house for awhile and talked about our plan for dumping all our old couches and beds, etc. Made out a little and then I came home. Things are going really well with Guy #2! Link to comment
notalady Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I call BS on guy #1. I think he just went off dating someone else for a few weeks and that didn't work, which is why he's back. He might have really thought you aren't that interested since you didn't invite him in after 2-3 dates, which in itself is a worry. I would never invite a guy to my place after 2-3 dates, or go to his place. If a guy writes me off because of that, I'd say something's not right with his intentions. He's either just trying to get me into bed or he's one of those people who think if a woman doesn't sleep with you on the first 3 dates, they aren't interested (ie not respecting the fact that some women have boundaries and safety considerations). Even if it is really just a miscommunication, there is still something seriously wrong with his approach - to disappear for weeks rather than talking to you about it. You dodged a bullet there! Re guy #2, glad to see it's going well! He is moving very slow though! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I don't think Guy #1 is sincere - that's not a "reason" to stop contacting someone you see potential with. He knows full well that many women don't invite men back after just a few dates. As far as "deepening" your relationship with the guy you're dating is that really how you feel about having intercourse with him? Are you sure he sees that as "deeper" - it might be but it might simply be getting sexual or expressing your chemistry in a different way than kissing- it could be that "deeper" interpretation is putting too much pressure on both of you -you've been dating a short time and while there's nothing wrong with having sex at this point of course -you're both single - but hopefully you're on the same page about what it means and does not mean. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Guy no1 is full of it. I've NEVER invited anyone to my house after 2-3 dates and it's the first time I hear that's a reason to stop dating someone! Guy no2 is too slow. For me. Link to comment
WithLove Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Agreed with the above - glad you're having a good time with Guy #2, but he moves far too slow for me!! Hopefully some sparks happen next time you arrange a couple-hours-long date! Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 After thinking about Guy #1 I call BS too. He is full of it and yea, I really wasn't ready to let him in or do anything with him by date 3. He was harder to get to know too. His intention was sex most likely. HA HA. His loss. As for Guy #2 we are moving at the exact pace we both feel good about, so I disagree with you all that say he is moving to slow. We have only been dating for 3 weeks. Having sex sooner rather then later is not going to make or break this relationship. I agree with Batya - Deepening is not about sex though - its about talking about what we want, how we feel about each other and our relationship. We are on the same page and thats all that matters to me right now. I am working with my therapist to do things differently this time and I am really happy with it all. Link to comment
missmarple Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 As for Guy #2 we are moving at the exact pace we both feel good about, so I disagree with you all that say he is moving to slow. So, if he had asked you to spend the night and sleep with him, you would have said no? Because I thought you expected to stay over last night. Link to comment
WithLove Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think if you feel that you're moving at a pace that you both agree with and you're happy with that, then you sound like you have a good thing going for you. I remember you saying you are used to doing things too quickly, so it's probably a breath of fresh air for you to move at a slower pace this time. Good luck!!! Link to comment
janut1 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Good question MM. My way of thinking has always been to move quickly to sex - so my first instinct would be to stay if he asked but I am really trying to change my ways. A little background on my way that doesnt work: I am the girl who sleeps with a guy way too soon. To give you an example, I slept with my husband on our first date. Yes we got married, but it could of went an entirely different way. He gave me a hard time about that later on in our marriage, even though he was a willing participant. When I met my X boyfriend a couple years after our divorce, my X husband commented about me being a to which I was not happy about him saying to me, so he still holds that against me. I waited till the third date with my that X boyfriend, and that was too soon, we were together for 19 months. My last 3 month guy, 2nd date I was sleeping with him. That was a BIG mistake as that relationship was based on sex alone for him, I was looking for more. So as you can see, for me, this is a good thing to take things slower. 3 weeks is nothing really in the scheme of things - getting to know someone first is much better and we do have chemistry and are touching and kissing etc. Link to comment
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