Online dating again journal

[janut1]

Day 1 after breakup

 

I was a bit sad yesterday when it all kind of settled in my mind. I will miss having someone to talk to everyday, but Im not as sad as I thought I would or should be.

 

I slept better last night then I have in months. This relationship caused me a lot of anxiety because I wasn't secure. There was never any talk about how we felt, feelings and lack of affection. Sex with him was weird to. No cuddling at all before or after. Felt disconnected all the time. He would invite me over, and not touch me at all. He would kiss and hug me hello and good bye, but that was it. I have never had a man in my life be so unaffectionate, even my FWB would cuddle and talk before and after sex. It bothered me, but I was too afraid to talk to him about it after the "sleepover" talk. He could be very blunt and cruel. He would clam up and not know how to answer the simplest of questions too.

 

I have already learned some lessons from this short relationship.

 

1. Be yourself - I wasn't my self with him at all. He hated swearing, so I would have to watch that all the time, not that I am a big swearer, I just do it once in awhile or when I get excited. I couldn't have a beer or a glass of wine around him since he didn't drink, which I just got used to. I like to have fun, he was really pretty set in his ways and boring. He also is a bit racist and would talk about gays, certain nationalities etc. My X husband was just like that and it drove me crazy. Always complaining about the state of the country, but not do anything about it. Im more open minded and would not even tell him what I thought.

2. Don't be afraid. If I would of talked to him about some of the stuff I was feeling, like lack of affection, maybe this would of ended earlier, but that would of been okay.

3. Im more clear on what I am looking for

4. Just because a man has money and a nice home, doesn't mean he is a catch.

5. Don't meet the kids unless there is some sort of discussion about where the relationship stands

6. Too much drama - I really don't like that he had so much drama still going on with his X wife after almost 5 years divorced. She was remarried, but there was always something going on. Anger, child custody fights, spousal support issues. He was so afraid of her to. He would give her what she wanted because he feared she would take him to court and want more child support money. No matter what I said, he would not let it go. And I believe he still loves her and mourns the loss of his family. I asked him if he would of stayed with her even thought she hit and verbally abused him, he said yes. I believe marriage is forever.

7. If a relationship is causing you stress, worry and anxiety, something is wrong.

8. Listen to your intuition

9. I want a healthy relationship, don't give up

10. Stop beating yourself up - I am searching for what I did wrong. Im not perfect and I did do some things wrong of course, like not being myself. Being afraid to show emotion in front of him because he reacted so badly to feelings. We were just not meant to be.

 

 

I have a appointment with my therapist today and Im sure she is going to be shocked. But I realized that I didn't tell her half of the stuff that was going on. Not sure why, but its time to just be honest with myself.

[missmarple]

1. Be yourself - I wasn't my self with him at all.

 

Out of all the things you mention, I think this is the most important one. I used to try to change myself during my first relationships (I'm talking when I was 20 or so) and it always ended badly. When I realised I was doing it..I stopped doing it and that's when I had my healthiest relationships.

 

It's not easy to know when you should compromise and when you should just be yourself but it's very rewarding when you're able to tell the difference.

[Batya33]

When did you realize you couldn't be yourself with him - several of your posts seemed to indicate how well things were going, how much you liked being with him ,etc. Is there a way to recognize that issue any earlier? I know it can be very difficult especially if you're caught up in the excitement/chemistry of a new relationship.

[janut1]

Out of all the things you mention, I think this is the most important one. I used to try to change myself during my first relationships (I'm talking when I was 20 or so) and it always ended badly. When I realised I was doing it..I stopped doing it and that's when I had my healthiest relationships.

 

It's not easy to know when you should compromise and when you should just be yourself but it's very rewarding when you're able to tell the difference.

 

Yes very true. And I would of thought I would know better at my age. He just felt like he had a right and wrong, and I was always trying to stay on the right side. LOL Not a good thing at all.

[janut1]

When did you realize you couldn't be yourself with him - several of your posts seemed to indicate how well things were going, how much you liked being with him ,etc. Is there a way to recognize that issue any earlier? I know it can be very difficult especially if you're caught up in the excitement/chemistry of a new relationship.

 

 

I noticed recently that I wasn't expressing my thoughts. Yes the beginning was fun and kind of exciting getting to know him, meeting his family and all that, but then he started to show himself around his politics and views of the world. It started to bother me and remind me of my X husband. So it was then that I realized that I wasn't expressing my views at all.

 

I had mentioned that my niece is gay. He went into a whole dialog about how I should show her the bible and tell her why she is wrong to be living that lifestyle. I didn't tell him how I felt about that. I love my niece as she is. Then I thought I wonder how he would be around my family if that topic came up. He had asked me how my X husband got such a good job after he used to be a cabinet maker. I told him how he cut off one finger, had it sewn back on and then cut another one badly. Thats when he got a offer to get retraining from disability. He thought that was ridiculous since we as tax payers paid for his training and that is not okay. So things like that were just bothering me. I hope that helps.

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's important to live my values. The minute I get around a guy who says something racist and homophobic, I'm outta there ... especially only a few months in.

[janut1]

I think it's important to live my values. The minute I get around a guy who says something racist and homophobic, I'm outta there ... especially only a few months in.

 

I wish there was a Like button on these journals. I totally agree. It took almost 3 months to learn this about him. This and the no affection issue had me thinking it was time to move on. But he beat me to it.

[notalady]

I wish there was a Like button on these journals. I totally agree. It took almost 3 months to learn this about him. This and the no affection issue had me thinking it was time to move on. But he beat me to it.

 

He did you a favour lol

[janut1]

Day 2 after breakup:

 

I had my therapy appointment yesterday and she said that there were lots of red/yellow flags around his family and X. Its important for me to discuss these with her sooner rather then later next time. I realized I wasn't speaking about the cons with her, more of the pros. And it was good that I did find out about his racism early as I am more liberal and even though I am able to listen and discuss other points of view, It wouldn't work for me in the long run to be with someone like him. She feels his relationship with his kids is a big red flag and his relationship with his youngest is not balanced. She recommended that he try therapy, but he is against that too and its not my business any longer.

 

Also the not wanting sleepovers was a huge red flag. He never complimented me, I would dress up and he would never say anything to me, even in the beginning. She also feels that he may really be sick and shutting down like he did when he had the flu, but I am not 100% sure about that and again who cares. Also when I cut my finger on my birthday, he never offered to take me to the ER, then fell asleep and never checked in with me. When we went to his moms house for the June birthdays on Saturday, which I was one of them, we had to leave early. He didn't tell me why and I asked him 5 times on separate occasions. He finally told me on the way up to his moms. We had to leave early because his daughter had a sleepover and needed to get back by 5. So we drove 2 hours to his moms, he rushed her to get things going so we could leave early. Then we leave and he drops me off at my house. I was thinking, since his daughter was going out, wouldn't it of been nice to go out to dinner a movie or just hang out together on Saturday night, but he always just dropped me off. If you like someone, and have been dating for months, it seems normal to want to be together. He kept this relationship to the minimal time spent since the beginning. Everything was about him. If I didn't notice that he cut his hair or that something was different he would ask me over and over again if I noticed. Very strange. So not sure, but he may not of been ready for a relationship or really didn't care much about me. Either is not good.

 

I cried once yesterday - but I slept great again! Its apparent my sleep issues had to do with anxiety around him and our RS. I feel relieved and relaxed and love my time alone. Im not waiting for a text or phone call or wondering why he isn't affectionate with me or wanting to spend more time together. It felt off for awhile. I didn't listen to my intuition yet again. I should of ended this awhile back when we talked about sleepovers and how rude he was about it and how he didn't feel I should of been hurt. It was a awful feeling the way he handled that with me and then I was scared to talk to him about anything after that.

 

She feels it is good for me to just get back out there and date again - which I already have done. I signed back up for two sites that I had been on before.

 

Before I met guy #2, there was a man who had reached out to me I thought was interesting and he had messaged me a couple months back. I never responded because I was dating 2 men at that time, and couldn't see adding a third. So I did yesterday and he replied back. He has a great sense of humor so far. We exchanged phone numbers and will be talking soon. Another man, that was on that site before as well, messaged me, Howdy Stranger. He is someone that I find attractive but we have only chatted on the site. I think he is just looking for a pen pal/friend as he has never asked me out. I can go one of two ways, I can ask him out or just treat him as a friend and let it go. I think it shows best if a man pursues and Im not wanting to lead a relationship at this point so I probably will just let it go.

[janut1]

Day 3

 

My phone is so quiet and I actually turn it off at night now since it makes no sense to keep it on. I slept great again last night.

 

Yesterday I got a birthday card from his sister in law. She didn't remember it was my birthday at the party and so she sent me a card with a gift card in it. She wrote a long note about how nice it is to have me in the family and that she won't forget my birthday next year. OUCH!!!

 

I cried because I know I'll never see her again and I won't be around the family again. I really like her and his mom. They welcomed me with open arms. I will miss them. Then she sent me a thank you card for the gift card I gave her for her birthday. She sent these a day before we broke up. Im sure she knows that we are no longer together now. I guess I should send her a thank you note, just to be considerate and I won't say anything about the break up of course. Just keep it positive.

 

That was the hardest part about yesterday. The other thing is I have a feeling I won't see my stuff again. The only thing I care about is the portable table that is not mine. It's my X's and if I don't get it back, I will have to buy him a new one. I guess it doesn't really matter. I just don't want to contact him and ask again for my stuff, its just drama I don't want to deal with.

 

I started the usual thought of I will never find anyone and will be alone for the rest of my life. I know deep down thats not true, but it feels like it right now. I wonder just how many frogs I will have to kiss to get to the RS I really want. Im not getting any younger and Im afraid it won't ever happen.

[missmarple]

Yesterday I got a birthday card from his sister in law. She didn't remember it was my birthday at the party and so she sent me a card with a gift card in it. She wrote a long note about how nice it is to have me in the family and that she won't forget my birthday next year. OUCH!!!

 

I cried because I know I'll never see her again and I won't be around the family again.

 

I'm sorry, I can totally relate to that feeling. It only happened to me once (when I got divorced) because, in all my other relationships, I made it a point to avoid families, etc..but I couldn't avoid it with my husband's family, of course. I remember it hurt...especially his younger brother and his mum I loved

 

(((hugs))))

[Batya33]

Have someone contact him on your behalf to get your stuff.

 

I kissed many many frogs. In hindsight a blip on the radar. I hope for the same for you.

[Ms Darcy]

Heather posted this last week and it's so awesome. I feel like it rings true. When a man is interested and ready, you don't have to wonder; you know.

[janut1]

Mrs Darcy - thanks for the post it is really true.

 

He broke up with me on Tuesday AM - texted me on Sunday AM to say he was sorry and hoped that I could forgive him and asked if we could get together to talk. I said okay, but not sure about forgiveness until after we meet. He told me what really was going on. He was on pain killers for his ear and I knew that and saw him take them a few times. He has been clean and sober for over 25 years, but those pain killers were starting to be a problem as he was taking them all the time, I didn't know that. He realized that he was taking them without needing them and they were making him feel weird, tired and off balance and not himself. He has a addictive personality, so this was not shocking. He said he threw them out and is now feeling better. I knew something was wrong with him. The way he was talking about things and people was so off to me and made no sense and I was thinking he was racist and generally a jerk.

 

I told him everything I have said here and he said that he really was sorry and that again he hopes I can forgive him. I told him will see how it goes. I am not going to put all of me into this yet until I see a good effort from him. So far, he is acting the same as he did before the pain pill incident. Time will tell.

 

In the meantime I was communicating with a new guy I will call him Mr T. I am not sure where that is going, but he texted me everyday since we shared our phone numbers except yesterday I didn't hear from him and didn't reach out either.

 

I finally asked him on Tuesday if he was shy or just looking for a text buddy since he hasn't asked me out. He stated that he is cautious. We had a good conversation about OLD and stuff that has happened and then he asked me to friend him on Facebook. I normally don't do that, but we aren't dating yet, so may just be a friend which is fine with me for now.

[Batya33]

Other than throwing out the pills (great and impressive first step!!) what does he plan to do to prevent a repeat of this type of addictive behavior?

[missmarple]

I've had ear problems since I was 15 and I'm often on painkillers because of it..when I was about 22, I had managed to poison myself by taking about 12 of them in 4 hours...but, still, I don't really buy his excuse, sorry. I can relate to feeling off balance but break up with someone because of it? Or make racist comments?

I would be very cautious if I were you...and I would remember that when he had told you he didn't want you to spend the night, he had not been on painkillers...right?

[janut1]

I am being very aware and cautious with him now.

 

He has been clean and sober for 25 years. He didn't really put the two together pain pill/addiction until he was acting out with his daughter as well and falling asleep during the day at odd times.

 

Regarding sleepovers - he shared that he has sleep apnea and has to wear a machine at night to sleep. He was embarrassed about that.

 

But I don't want to make excuses for what he has done and like I said I am very very cautious at this point and still keeping my options open.

[janut1]

Ramblings about family:

 

I have noticed lately that I miss having a family. I have one, its me and my 2 kids at home, 2 kids outside the home and a grandson. Sisters. brothers, mom and their kids, but what I mean is my own family unit with a SO to share it with. I miss the fun times, vacations, laughing, arguing, playing games, doing chores together, grocery shopping and planning meals with my SO. Its what I always wanted, and had for a time, but it never lasts.

 

I have been married twice - not a proud thing to admit. My first marriage was entered into too young, not a good choice for me, but thats how it goes. Second marriage, started out great, I was older and wiser so I thought, but ended up with a very verbally abusive man.

 

So, my fairytale life of me being in a marriage with a couple of kids, a dog and cat never really came to be. I'm getting older and just feel like it would be nice to be married again, but in a very healthy way this time. I miss that.

 

My mom and dad were married for 49 years, my dad died right before their 50th wedding anniversary. Both my brothers have been married to the same women for years and they seem relatively happy. All the girls in the family have a different story. My youngest sister is married to a drug addict, due to his back issues, and he is just a lazy SOB. She stays with him, not sure why, but I wonder if she is just too afraid to leave like most women are because of fears or not finding someone or being alone. I asked her once if she still loved him, she said yes. That surprised me since he does nothing to help her, she is the sole supporter and he is lazy. Not my business, but I still wonder sometimes.

 

My oldest sister was married to a alcoholic for 10 years. He drank and was mean. He also cheated on her several times. They are both back communication after he had a cancer scare, he now realizes how much he hurt her and tells her all the time she is the best women and mom he has ever loved and still loves her. She is in a FWB relationship with a younger man, which is going now where for 3 years now. Her kids have never met this guy, and she likes it that way most the time. I tell her if she wants a real relationship, she will have to let the FWB go, or realize its not going anywhere and start dating other men. She is too afraid to go out there, doesn't like OLD, but won't really try anything. Again, not my business really.

 

Then theres me. Married a alcoholic at a young age was partying then with him, but as soon as I got pregnant I grew up and stopped, he didn't. One thing I know for sure is he loved me deeply, he just didn't have the capacity to be the husband and father I wanted. He still tells my kids that he loves me to this day. Its sad in a way because if he could of stopped drinking and doing drugs, we might of made it. He still drinks and does drugs now.

 

Then I take a big break from dating seriously. I sew some wild oats, have FWB and FB and that rounds out my 20's. Then I meet someone in my 30's that seemed like a mellow man. He takes on my kids even though he didn't have any with his first wife who he was with for 10 years. Although he realizes what a big commitment that was and broke up with me twice during our 4 years of dating. He was scared about being a stepdad. I should of walked the second time he left and never looked back, but I thought I was in love. Same old story you see here on ENO over and over again. 17 years later, he slowly turns into a Rush Limbaugh and all is terrible in the world. My older kids from my first marriage and him hate each other because he is extremely verbally abusive, and tough. It was the worst time in my life, having to defend my kids and try to save my marriage all at the same time. Therapy, marriage counseling, lots of crying and depression. Uggh, I hated it so bad. He had bad breath and I couldn't stand to kiss him anymore, he has verbally abused me for years and I had no idea until my sister and mom sit me down and point some things out. I was at the lowest point in my life in that marriage. I fall into depression, nothing is good and I have 2 more kids in the meantime. Yikes. I eventually leave him cause I just cant take it any longer. It was a HUGH RELIEF and I never looked back. He has wanted to reconcile a few times after the divorce, but NO WAY would I ever consider going back to that nightmare.

 

2 years after my divorce - I meet a nice guy, older then me, divorced with 2 older kids. He is sooo into me. I am blown away because he is such a gentleman. He is not good looking at all in my eyes, it took time for me to love that face, Im not joking here. But, he pushed hard for me to tell him I love him in the first month and moves way too fast. Wants to marry me after 2 months of dating, move in at 6 months. I was not ready for any of that since I just got out of a long marriage and said NO to all of that. I wanted to have fun, explore other men, and see what the single life was like. He eventually won me over - we were together for 19 months and it fell apart. I feel out of love with him, he wanted me to commit. Our sex life was never good, he was that bad - I tried to work with him, it just never got better. I do miss him sometimes. He made me laugh, was very affectionate and was a gentleman till the end. I wasn't used to a man who open doors, made me walk inside of the sidewalk just in case a car would crash into us, walked me to the bathroom when we were in more dangerous places, bought me stuff all the time, took me out a lot. Went to baseball and football games. But it came down to sex incompatibility, his need for constant togetherness and his lies and hated conflict, so if we argued he would leave. He lied alot! He found another women when we were still dating. He is still with her, but called me in May to check in. Funny I never thought I would hear from him. Part of me was looking for an apology for the way he left me. He was such a coward and never really broke up with me - it ended with going dark. Just not good at all.

 

Now Im out there again. Searching for my SO and wondering if there is such a thing as a good companion and Im now ready to settle down I think with a guy who can be my last relationship. Will I find him, who knows. But I won't give up and will keep my heart open even if I get hurt again and again.

 

Thanks my ramble for the day.

[janut1]

I had a great weekend with P and his daughter. She is finally opening up to me and the last two times I saw her she smiles, talks to me and laughs too. Friday night I was at his house for a BBQ and his daughter was there. After dinner, we played board games and her and I were laughing so much it was great. P was being silly too. It was a really great night. She baked us chocolate chip cookies and I asked if I could help her and she said yes. So it was a really good bonding time for us. I didn't leave till 1:30am by then she was asleep on the floor with her pillow and blanket and P and I were talking and talking like we always do. We had coffee a bit to late.

 

Then Saturday she asked him if we, meaning him and I, could take her to the exploratorium. I said she asked if I can take her too? WOW, that was cool. So we went with both of our daughters and that was fun. Things have changed quite a bit since our breakup a few weeks ago. He seems happier, Im happier and so are our kids. So hopefully this will continue and all will be good. I still have some walls up though because Im waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I don't hear from him I think hmmm, am I going to get another text about him wanting to break up? Kind of unsettling, but its getting less and less as the weeks go by but always in the back of my mind.

 

We are leaving on a trip together from Saturday - Wednesday and Im a bit nervous as this will be the first time we have traveled together and stayed together for a long period of time. I guess this will be a test on how we really get along. This is a business trip for me and his brother lives where we are going, so we will be hanging with family too. Should be fun.

 

Now for the ramble... My X BF that brought me to ENO called me yesterday to apologize for how he treated me when we broke up. Long story short this is how we broke up: he just told me to find someone else on text and I said OK and that was the end of our 19 month relationship. Then I found out he was dating someone else right after. It HURT bad!! So when he called he said that he was so sorry for how he treated me that I didn't deserve that at all, that he always had fun with me misses me and thinks about me often. Guess his new girl and him are broken up now, so thats why he is reaching out. Its been over a year since we broke up too. He wants to take me to dinner, be friends, but Im sure he wants more then that. I have not decided if I will go out to dinner with him or not as I am not going back to him and don't want to lead him on either, but it would be nice to catch up. I feel indifferent at this time about him. I've moved on and glad I don't have feelings for him. I do remember the good times and they always seem to mask the bad times. So I have to force myself to remember why he is a X now. Uggh, why do these guys always come back to me? I guess its flattering in a way, but also is emotionally hard for me too.

 

On another note, my sister told me that my other X, who I dated for a short time and fell for hard, and then realized thathe was just using me when he contacted me in May after 3 months of going dark. He told me that he missed me and all that crap but told me he didn't want a relationship still, but then I find out that he met someone and was immediately in a relationship during the time he was talking to me. Just a As# but because I had feelings for him, I sunk into the sadness after finding out he used me yet again, not sexually thank goodness, but emotionally with telling me a bunch of lies to probably get me to sleep with him cause he was lonely. But then met this women and BAM he is in a relationship. So anyway, my sister told me that he had put a picture of him and her up on Facebook. I haven't looked at his page since May when I found out he was in a relationship and spun out of control about that. I hate Facebook for many reasons, and this is one of them. So I went and looked to get it over with and there they were happy happy faces. She is not what I expected, kind of so so looking, plain, nothing to write home about. I just wasn't the one for him and she is. I hope he treats her with more respect then he did me. I guess I should be happy he is happy.

[notalady]

Glad things are going well with P.

 

Also, 1) ex's always come back. (Mine have anyway lol) 2) people don't change (no matter how happy they look together) and 3) Facebook photos can be very deceiving and a lot of the time doesn't mirror real life.

[Ms Darcy]

...but, still, I don't really buy his excuse, sorry. I can relate to feeling off balance but break up with someone because of it? Or make racist comments?

 

I mentioned your story in passing to my husband and he said the same thing: "what does that [painkillers] have to do with racist comments?"

 

Nothing has changed at its fundamental level in my humble opinion.

[janut1]

Mrs Darcy...I told him he was speaking like a racist and we have since straightened that out. I think that sometimes people say things that can be misunderstood or taken out of context and I was misunderstanding what he was saying. But any hoo, that did not have anything to do with the meds. Him being tired, and out of it totally had something to do with the over use of those pain killers.

[Ms Darcy]

This is what I mean by fundamentals not changing.

 

Maybe it's just what I am noticing here in these journals, but it seems like so many women put up with seriously red flag situations. But, not my business!

[janut1]

Yea I hear you and appreciate your feedback. I'm thankful for this journal where I can vent my frustrations whether I'm sad or happy without judgement. Some of my journals are about how I feel at that moment then I work through it and see how I might of misunderstood or blew things out or proportion,

 

I'm so thankful for my therapist who is helping me talk to P about my concerns and learning how to work through them and then making a decision on what to do next.

[Batya33]

I understand that post was how you felt at the moment but it referenced many red flag examples- many moments, so to speak. Glad you have a trusted therapist.