reinventmyself Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 ""I met a number of men who were relationship oriented, in fact. In the beginning, though, I met men who were looking for sex. My profile changed little, while I changed a lot. Somehow, the vibe I gave off had the effect of changing the sort of man that I found. "" As much as I agree with this, you still have to trip over many who are just looking for sex in order to find the ones that aren't. Much like anything in life. . It's the negative incidents we tend to focus on more, not the positive. I practice this at work. I focus on the one difficult staff member while I forget to acknowledge the several that were gracious and thankful through out the day. Try not to give much thought or energy to the ones that aren't looking for the same thing you are. .It frees up to find the ones that are! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Truth, Reinvent... one has to sort through the candidates like its a part time job, and focus on the good to see the good multiply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 We all have had different experiences for sure. Some good and some bad with OLD. I think after getting used to it you can weed out the men who are looking just for sex quickly if you are not interested in that. My question is how many dates before Guy #2 makes a move? LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 We all have had different experiences for sure. Some good and some bad with OLD. I think after getting used to it you can weed out the men who are looking just for sex quickly if you are not interested in that. My question is how many dates before Guy #2 makes a move? LOL My guy number two? Oh my goodness, it was.... maybe 15 or more dates? I was puzzled for a good long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 My guy number two? Oh my goodness, it was.... maybe 15 or more dates? I was puzzled for a good long time. Oh My Goodness is right! I may be waiting that long too. Just cracks me up because I have no clue how men like this are or act. Guess I might find out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 We all have had different experiences for sure. Some good and some bad with OLD. I think after getting used to it you can weed out the men who are looking just for sex quickly if you are not interested in that. My question is how many dates before Guy #2 makes a move? LOL Wish I had a crystal ball for yah! So many are so different. There isn't a magic number. My current guy waited 5 dates before kissing me goodnight. Just enjoy the process. . besides the waiting builds anticipation. That part can be fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 With my ex BF, i initiated the first kiss on our third date...he was shy. We were in his car, he had driven me home turned off the engine and then kept talking...a lot, and nervously...beating around the bush, lol....so at one point I just took his hand, caught his face in my other hand and planted one on him...he was relieved. Maybe you gotta start the process yourself....maybe just kiss him on the cheek first...see how that turns out.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I spent many an eNA post wondering about this. I have been, let's just say, indulgent while this man has been so controlled sexually, so I didn't know where to go with it. I decided it would be my opportunity to learn (1) how to feel wanted without using sex as a validation tool, (2) not to be in control, (3) date like my parents taught me, which was a wonderful lesson, and (4) to enjoy the process. Once we were sexual, it became an exercise in learning to get what I want in such a way that it kept him in the lead. After a few months, it became a demonstration of what it means to be intimacy avoidant, and I ended it. I will preach for all who will listen the value of waiting and really getting to know someone. That said, my current bf and I were together on date #4 to our mutual surprise. We felt something on date #1, which was our second meeting ever. It still may have been too soon, since what followed was a dance of withdrawal and commitment. It still feels like it was right for us; one doesn't second guess these things. While I was waiting for The Gentleman, I had no other prospects who commanded my attention. He was intentional about dating me and stood out because of it, in addition to his interests etc. If someone else had commanded my attention, it would have been more difficult to remain as available to him as I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Adding.... I suspect the Gentleman was my stepping stone in a healing process, and that he was the pathway that enabled me to attract and manage and retain my current bf. With my bf, there is none of this worrying about who initiates, who wants, says, or feels what... It is like nothing I've had before, including my exH. So, my lesson to you is, don't stay too long. Make sure you are learning something about yourself as you progress with this fellow, so that however it turns out, you will be the better for it. I am grateful for having dated the slow roller, because he forced me to own my sexuality and to not worry at all about whether my man is into me, or not. I am who I am. There is no way I could have made this relationship work now without that sort of internal strength. So I am grateful for the ex, and grateful it is over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Share Posted March 16, 2015 There are so many ways this can go. Im just talking about a kiss or holding hands, not sex just yet. And remember we just had our 4th date. I will wait on that for sure. He did finally give me a two armed hug last night and rubbed my back, usually it is a one arm hug. I need to know if there is enough chemistry to move forward. Kissing kind of gives you a clue if there is more to explore. And we are not exclusive, so I won't go there unless we have a talk about not sleeping with others and if we do feel that might happen, then letting the other know before it does. Another thing to mention is we did meet on Christian Mingle - he might not be a pre-marital sex guy, or he might think Im not. So theres that piece too. But I will enjoy the ride and see where it takes me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAmFCA Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 I wondered similarly about my slow roller... our first date was December. Our first kiss was July or August. I didn't know what his intentions were. I met him on line, so I assumed he was interested, but the rest I couldn't figure out. Because he wasn't sexual, he got a lot of leeway. It turned out, he had a gf when he had first asked me out, which is why he didn't kiss me or ask me out with any frequency. They ended in June, I got my kiss later that summer. He is deeply Catholic, I too wondered if there was a religious aspect. Turned out to be self-respect, in a way, or primitive, seen a different way. He has a thing about not going where anyone has been before. So he keeps his distance, and if she keeps herself chaste that whole time, than he moves forward. That aspect of his thinking was endearing, and then later off-putting, to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Yeesh - I don't think I could wait til the 4th date without getting an inkling at all about if he felt romantic towards me at all. Chemistry is important to me and I'd like to know pretty quickly if there's mutual attraction there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I don't think I could wait til the 4th date without getting an inkling at all about if he felt romantic towards me at all. Chemistry is important to me and I'd like to know pretty quickly if there's mutual attraction there. Same here. In the past, I've stopped dating a guy when we had had 4 dates and he hadn't even held my hand. I felt I was going out with a friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Same here. In the past, I've stopped dating a guy when we had had 4 dates and he hadn't even held my hand. I felt I was going out with a friend. I agree with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Exactly. Maybe it's just because I don't have much online dating experience - but I just don't want to waste any time seeing someone that ultimately doesn't have the same end goal as I do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 Im not going to stop dating him because he hasn't held my hand yet. I think like reinventmyself, Im going to enjoy the ride. I think most are too quick to quit and miss out on things that could be awesome in the end. He asked me if I would like to take dance lessons with him last night. I have wanted to do that before but didn't have a partner. Dancing = lots of touching. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I think Aliens have taken over my cell phone! I got a bunch of texts around midnight last night from Guy #2. It woke me up and I thought maybe he was losing his mind or something? They were actually texts that he had sent me earlier in the day but I never received. So strange. Some were questions that I didn't answer too. He called me this morning and I told him about the weird text and we had a good laugh. He could not see them on his phone like I did and when I read some to him, he said he sent them mid conversation yesterday. He said his battery was dying so he plug it in at about that point. This happens to my daughters phone to, if the battery is dying, it will send out bulk text messages that are repeats of what she sent already, she showed it to me the last time it happened. I wonder what else I missed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Im not going to stop dating him because he hasn't held my hand yet. I think like reinventmyself, Im going to enjoy the ride. I think most are too quick to quit and miss out on things that could be awesome in the end. He asked me if I would like to take dance lessons with him last night. I have wanted to do that before but didn't have a partner. Dancing = lots of touching. It's a balance between that attitude and not investing too much time/emotional energy into a dead end. It's tough to figure out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 I find it helpful to try to continue to meet others. This way it lessons your focus on the 'what if's' and 'why not's'. It's not for everyone and it was definitely challenging for me, but I did find myself much more relaxed with my dates and not worrying so much about the ultimate outcome. . . .just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I'm not all all stressed about the pace so far, which is a blessing as I am usually a nervous anxiety ridden dater. I am working with my therapist on my dating efforts and am following her advice 100% and not really worried about what others think of how I handle my dating life. Yes I'm open to dating others, but there is not anyone on the horizon right now except a few 20 year olds who think Im hot! I'm old enough to be their mom. Just so funny to me that they even try with a older women. I usually tell them "your too young son" LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 What an ego boost though, eh?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 ""Yes I'm open to dating others, but there is not anyone on the horizon right now except a few 20 year olds who think Im hot! I'm old enough to be their mom. Just so funny to me that they even try with a older women. I usually tell them "your too young son"[/i] "" Same here. . I typically write them back `get a hobby!" and then block them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Haha, I once had a 19 year old message me on OKC telling me I'm really pretty and in such good shape, as if expecting I should be out of shape lol, I was 29! Anyway I had a good laugh haha.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Add in the creepy incestuous factor I get due to having 2 sons in their 20s myself. Elch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janut1 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Yea, very ELCH! My oldest is almost 31 - so yea. But her boyfriend is 40... but maturity wise they match perfectly matched. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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