I took her for granted and want her back.

[ThisIsSugar]

Hey I (21M) have been with my ex (23F) for 2.5 years, and living together from city to city for 2. For some context she has always had and anxious attachment style and I've been the avoidant one. I took her for granted- my childhood trauma and ego what was holding me back.

I now realize that I've been pushing her aways, not being the safe space she deserves. She's been a great great girlfriend. We had a great relationship except for my mood swings.

She took a business trip and I was supposed to pick her up in the airport- 30 mins before boarding she called crying saying she needs to spend time with friends and her siblings, she said it had nothing to do with me (it was a lie).

After a week or 2 spending time with them she called me and said she wanted space or a break. I hate breaks because I know that means to find someone better, but this girl loves me so much I know she couldn't cheat on me. I was starting to become anxious, restless and could stop thinking about her. A week prior started therapy not for the relationship but for myself- always into personal growth, thinking back I was a bit too late. I think I was pushy/needy through the phone trying to show that I am consistent and loving of her. Even flew to her for 3 days to show I am capable of change, and that I am willing to work things out. She agreed and said " I'm going to spend the rest of the month with her friends and I'll come back at the end of the month." 

I even asked what are things I can do to support her/ relationship - keep on with therapy, get a job ( I now work 2) and consistent communication. All of which I've done.

2 week later called and said she loves me very much but she realized how much happier she has been, she not only wants to be single but needs it. 100% confident in her decision. But then she also tells me that She was in love with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship. After 3 days of NC- the longest since we've ever not talked to one another, she calls for some random excuse but we talked on the phone for a while about nice things/ not our relationship. Then she sent photos of us cuddling the next day ( assuming she's missing us ) and I response " these photos makes me miss us together" and again she asked to call me- we talk about our relationship and the changes I've made for myself for the past month.

 I asked her to come see me as were in different states and to have a conversation in person - not through the phone. She agreed saying to not have any exceptions, whether we reconcile or we close the chapter of our book. 3 days before she's supposed to come she says she loves me so much but she's not ready, that there's too much hurt on her side, ( she said this all in a very mature and adult way in which I respect, im just hurt)

She said that she will definitely see me this summer but can't tell me which date- not until she's ready. However again I feel these mix emotions, she says she isn't in love with me anymore but loves me more than I'll know. And that I am her family but she doesn't want to block me, she actually wants to have the lines of communication open ( I told her I can't be her friend but she respond I know it wouldn't be as friends).

A day or 2 later I texted her that "Listen I’m glad for  the time I had with you. I think it’s the best what we don’t contact each other. Wish you the best-  I love you but I can’t be your friend." she responded "I love you more than you know. I’ll respect that. I’m here when you are ready. in my heart always "

Lmao she's always trying to put the ball in my court but she broke up with me so I answered back "reach out to me when you feel like you’ve healed and ready to talk in person " and she said ok with a heart emoji.

I shipped her luggage she had left at my parents house per her request. 

It's been day 5 since NC was initiated by me - but been broken up with for a couple weeks and confusing for a month.

What I've done:
Losing her made me realize how ungrateful I was towards her within our relationship, I am a very stressed out person but therapy ( thinking it was bs) actually helps me a ton. Im implementing having a better relationship with everyone, friends and especially my family not lashing out but relaxed, deep breathes and patience. 

I know I don't change in a month- it takes alot of work and time, something im definitely learning from this huge lesson, that I am glad I learned now.

The thing is I want to work on getting her back aswell - I miss her dearly. I want to build trust with her and show I am changing/ working on myself not by words but actions. 

How do you suggest I show that reconcile our relationship, is NC the way to go or would that push her farther from me.
Someone told me give her 2 weeks of space and then reach out show how your working on yourself have nice conversation and then again don't reach out for 2 weeks and repeat the step again.

what do yo guys think?

[Kwothe28]

18 minutes ago, ThisIsSugar said:

After a week or 2 spending time with them she called me and said she wanted space or a break.

After you said this, I knew this was coming

19 minutes ago, ThisIsSugar said:

But then she also tells me that She was in love with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship.

Somehow "Space" is almost always the name of some other guy on whose D they want to jump lol

Anyway, you are at "the bargaining" stage of the grief. "If only I did X she wouldnt left, if only I do Y she will come back". Which isnt true. I am sure you are not blameless. But she is also not that good of a girlfriend you take her to be. There is no fixing of this. Keep "no contact" until you accept that its over and move on.

[ThisIsSugar]

6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

After you said this, I knew this was coming

Somehow "Space" is almost always the name of some other guy on whose D they want to jump lol

Anyway, you are at "the bargaining" stage of the grief. "If only I did X she wouldnt left, if only I do Y she will come back". Which isnt true. I am sure you are not blameless. But she is also not that good of a girlfriend you take her to be. There is no fixing of this. Keep "no contact" until you accept that its over and move on.

But how can I get someone like this back into my life?

Nah she ain't the type to cheat - she loved me too much for that, but love isn't enough to stay in a relationship.

[Jaunty]

No.   It's the best way for you to behave, but if she does not want to be with you anymore, there are not tricks or anything that will make her change her mind.

The whole point of NC is to help a person move on.  It's not to get the other person back - though there is truth to the old song lick "how can I miss you if you won't go away?"  

[ThisIsSugar]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

No.   It's the best way for you to behave, but if she does not want to be with you anymore, there are not tricks or anything that will make her change her mind.

The whole point of NC is to help a person move on.  It's not to get the other person back - though there is truth to the old song lick "how can I miss you if you won't go away?"  

and if I show/ demonstrate my changes?

Keep in mind she wanted to stay in contact with me, saying "im her family"

[DarkCh0c0]

50 minutes ago, ThisIsSugar said:

Keep in mind she wanted to stay in contact with me, saying "im her family"

"Family", not boyfriend.

She's got plenty of family members with her too. What she means, is that you are a close enough person and she feels evil cutting you off. She doesn't mean "there's hope for more".

How many times do you need to be rejected by her so you understand that she's not into you anymore? What do you find appealing about going back to someone who clearly told you "no thanks"?

You're making all sorts of changes for someone who clearly doesn't care anymore about you as a partner. I'm sorry hon, but you deserve better. Someone new who will appreciate the new you.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, ThisIsSugar said:

and if I show/ demonstrate my changes?

You said you were not really present / available in this relationship.   That was her experience with you.   She probably went through a lot, being in love with someone who did not want to be in love with her (or something like that).  Now she has come through the other side and she's probably over it.

I don't agree with the other poster who says you "deserve better."   That is not the way it works.  But if you really are a changed man, who is now able to understand how to be present and giving in a relationship,  I sincerely hope that you have a chance to experience that with a woman who is into it too.  Unfortunately it does not appear likely to be this one. 

Keep up the good work though.  The changes you've made will serve you well in your life.

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for everyone but for many people,  myself included,  once we experience the negative side of human nature especially in a partner,  spouse,  friend,  relative,  colleague or whomever (it doesn't matter),  usually people become risk adverse and don't wish to take chances repeating same or similar hurtful experiences all over again. 

Once some people figure out what another person is capable of,  it's a red flag and warning sign to protect oneself from future chances that it could very well happen again.  The only guarantee to prevent getting hurt again (in any way) is to eliminate certain people from our lives or enforcing stronger boundaries is second best. 

Many people can fondly reminisce good memories of fun times and while that's all well and good,  a lot of people hesitate to reconcile due to fear meaning fear of trusting again only to get burned again.  Some people aren't willing to gamble and take another risk because negative memories override any good memories.  

Even though it can feel lonely to have freedom,  if some people had their druthers,  being alone or lonely yet no longer entangling oneself with a complicated person feels more peaceful,  unfettered and unencumbered.  It's as if a person can finally breathe easier,  have more time for oneself and free choices. 

We become accustomed to this new normal and begin to actually enjoy feeling stress-free.  As time marches on,  we become more picky, choosy,  selective and surround ourselves with preferred compatible people.  It's as if we do a reset from past hard lessons learned. 

Once you understand universal human nature,  it will all make sense to you. 

In the meantime,  work on yourself,  be introspective,  improve now and for your future.  As for your ex-girlfriend,  she has moved on so do likewise. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, ThisIsSugar said:

my childhood trauma and ego what was holding me back.

I now realize that I've been pushing her aways, not being the safe space she deserves. She's been a great great girlfriend. We had a great relationship except for my mood swings.

Mere hours with a therapist so far, although a good start, isn't going to have immediate results to show anything to an ex. Your emotional baggage and learning new social skills will take much, much longer. Just as it is with people who are attempting sobriety and other addictions, a year or longer with concentrating on becoming a new and improved person takes a lot of work. Plus, it's best done without the distraction of getting back together with an ex and other major stressors.

How she handled the break up was a huge indicator of how fearful she was of your mood swings and tried to avoid as much drama from you as possible with promises to temporarily appease you.

Frankly, if she were my friend, I'd advise staying broken up and staying no contact. Often, when a woman is done she's plain done. Sometimes, even when a man improves, it's too little, too late.

Do take pride in finding a way to improve yourself and keep doing so for your own good and to create a better future for yourself and everyone in your world. 

 

[Cherylyn]

9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Frankly, if she were my friend, I'd advise staying broken up and staying no contact. Often, when a woman is done she's plain done. Sometimes, even when a man improves, it's too little, too late.

 

 

Yes indeed and this applies to a lot of people who've been burned.  Bad experiences leave a bad taste in one's mouth.  Why risk repeats if it can be avoided?  😏

[ShySoul]

You can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall.

When you really love someone and want to be with them, it's natural to think that there is some step by step guide or solution that will fix everything and bring them back to you. If you can only do these things that will change their mind and they will see how different you are and how you should be together. But the truth is it is her decision, and her decision alone. You can change everything, become the perfect person you think they deserve, and they still might not be able to get themselves to have the feelings they once did. 

If you want to change, do so for you. Understand that this is about becoming a better person yourself, the kind of person you want to be. It's okay to have thoughts of getting back together, but don't make it the driving goal of your progress. That's out of your hands, not something you can control. So don't worry yourself sick over it.

Don't worry about timelines or schedules. Don't focus on NC. Focus on what you need to heal yourself. Remember, you are the one who asked for NC. You asked for it for a reason. She broke up with you, but she still wanted to communicate. You are the one who said it would be too difficult to do. So the ball is in your court. She has said she is there for you when you are ready. So make sure you ready before you contact her. Make sure you can be that person she deserves. Make sure you can handle being around her, even if it is just as friends. Make sure you are healed. Take however long you need to take. 

When you are ready, you don't need to do anything special. Just contact her and ask how she's doing. Be honest with your feelings but respect any doubts or concerns she might have. Meet up in person if possible. Show you are changing by continuing to do the things you are already doing - therapy, improving your interactions with family and friends. If she sees how you interact with others, it demonstrates your desire to improve. Then show her each time you talk with her by listening to her and appreciating and enjoying your time together. Don't do the things that caused problems before. Trust is built over time.

 

[ShySoul]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Somehow "Space" is almost always the name of some other guy on whose D they want to jump lol

From my observation it's generally more emotional than physical. Someone pays them the attention and shows them the compassion they feel is lacking. That makes them reflect on what is missing in the current relationship, reinforcing the feelings and doubts they were already having. Doesn't mean they want to jump into sex with someone else. Could simply be that "space" means something isn't right and I need time to figure it out for myself.

In this case I think she seems to still love him. She wants to be there for him and help him. And I think that's a beautiful and special thing. But until he can work through his issues, she is being honest and saying she isn't "in love" with him, that they can't have a romantic relationship. That's being reasonable and mature. That was being a good girlfriend - good enough to know it wasn't working and to be honest with your partner. More importantly, it was being a good friend - offering to be there for someone you care about.

[Capricorn3]

Threads have been merged.

[catfeeder]

I’m unclear about how you’re connecting her not being in love with you anymore with hopes of reconciling if you change certain behaviors. Did she voice complaints and ask you to change?

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, ThisIsSugar said:

Keep in mind she wanted to stay in contact with me, saying "im her family"

Only a couple of people have called me family when we are not related by blood. They have been the two people I felt truly cared about and understood me, no matter what. That didn't mean we should be in a relationship. It meant that they wanted the best for me and for me to be happy.

She understands the things you have been through and wants the best for you. She wants you to heal and be happy. She is offering her support and to be there for you if you need someone. But she, at least for now, isn't willing to commit to a realtionship. So don't try to get one. Heal yourself. Be friends if you feel you can and let her help you if you're able. 

[Kwothe28]

13 hours ago, ThisIsSugar said:

But how can I get someone like this back into my life?

You dont get them back. She literally told you there is the other man she is trying to be and who she is in love with and sleeping with. Hence why there is no choice but to move on.

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

From my observation it's generally more emotional than physical. Someone pays them the attention and shows them the compassion they feel is lacking.

I was being metaphorical. Ofcourse she is lacking attention and the other side gives them that. That is how those men operate. Boyfriend and husband doesnt give them attention, other side swoops in, gives them some attention and gets into bed with them. For example

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Doesn't mean they want to jump into sex with someone else.

This one literally already slept with the other guy. From where do you think "he doesnt want to be in a relationship" comes from? Guy already got the cookie and served her with "Oh I am not a relationship type" speech. That is the danger of cheating or even leaving long term relationship for somebody who most likely just wants sex and told you those stuff to get that. They wont be with you afterward. 

But nevertheless, this thing is over. Again, there is no coming back from this for OP unless he wants to lose all respect for himself and takes her back after the other guy gets tired of having sex with her and she realizes she got fleeced there. Not really a recipe for a successful future. 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

This one literally already slept with the other guy. From where do you think "he doesnt want to be in a relationship" comes from?

I understood that to mean that she broke up with the OP because she was "in love" with him and he didn't want to be in a relationship.

He said she ended it because he was unkind and took her for granted.  Probably gave her little reason to believe he was committed to her or their relationship.  But it's definitely possible that your read is the correct one and she is already with someone else.

[Kwothe28]

56 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I understood that to mean that she broke up with the OP because she was "in love" with him and he didn't want to be in a relationship.

I mean maybe he would clarify but

On 6/9/2024 at 2:25 PM, ThisIsSugar said:

But then she also tells me that She was in love with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship

I understood this means another man, not OP. Who actually wants to be in a relationship with her who dumped him because she was in love with somebody else and needs to be single so she could explore all the “joys of single life”.

Perhaps OP would clarify it. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry for this tough time.

What strikes me about your posts—and I say this not from the pulpit, but from experience in your shoes—is that they are hyper-focused on the power of one person: you. Why is the relationship over? Because you and your past behavior. Why is there a chance at reconciliation? Because of you and your present behavior. 

I understand the comfort in that story, believe me, and have clung to it plenty myself while reeling. It gives you a sense of control during a very hard moment: If you are 100 percent to blame, after all, then you can be 100 percent in charge of jumpstarting it again, allowing yourself to sidestep the full weight of the painful loss.  

Thing is? This isn't how any of it actually works. One, you are indirectly negating/dismissing the complexity of your ex's humanity by reducing her to a character in a story you've written (and are now trying to rewrite) about yourself. That headspace is in itself problematic when it comes to sustaining a relationship—something to evolve out of, not cling to.

Two, relationships don't actually end because of one person—and neither do they last because one person is more excellent than not. Ultimately, it's pretty simple: relationships last only when both people, for whatever reasons, are down to keep giving it a go. 

You ex is no longer down. Something clicked, changed, whatever. What that something is you'll never fully understand, as she probably doesn't fully understand it either. Could you have been a better bf? Sure, and no doubt your own behavior contributed to where things are today. But contributing is different than causing.

It's truly wonderful that you'e looking under the hood and seeing where the wiring is on the fritz. Been there, and can thank a handful of breakups for triggering some much-needed emotional evolutions on my part. But those lessons only really stick true when you let go of the idea that they will somehow add up to reconciliation—when you learn to sit with the pain and discomfort, with the bruise on both the heart and ego that a breakup creates.

I understand there's no button to press that will turn off the "get her back" instincts. So it goes. Just keep doing what you're doing now, and hopefully in time you'll feel the transition of doing everything to get her back to simply enjoying your new self. If there's another chapter for the two of you, it's not going to come about through gamesmanship, but because you stopped playing chess, if that makes sense. 

[ShySoul]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

This one literally already slept with the other guy. From where do you think "he doesnt want to be in a relationship" comes from? Guy already got the cookie and served her with "Oh I am not a relationship type" speech. That is the danger of cheating or even leaving long term relationship for somebody who most likely just wants sex and told you those stuff to get that. They wont be with you afterward. 

But nevertheless, this thing is over. Again, there is no coming back from this for OP unless he wants to lose all respect for himself and takes her back after the other guy gets tired of having sex with her and she realizes she got fleeced there. Not really a recipe for a successful future. 

"He doesn't want a relationship" doesn't have to mean they had sex. They may have, they may not have. We weren't there, so no way any of us can tell. No where in the post do we get confirmation that is what happened. I've seen women fall for another guy and sex wasn't a factor. I've seen cases where the guy wants sex, but the woman puts the brakes on it unless there's an actual relationship to go along with the sex. I'm certain there are cases where it's the woman wanting sex and the guy says no. Just because there is an attraction from one or both parties, doesn't mean sex automatically occurs.

All we know for sure is that she didn't feel fulfilled in the current relationship and wanted a break to figure it out. She then developed feelings for someone else who doesn't want a relationship. Anything else is speculation. ThisIsSugar seems certain it wasn't cheating, and he's the only one here who actually knows the woman. I'm inclined to trust him on that. Also given how kind she has been everything else she has said and how mature and compassionate she's tried to be, she doesn't seem like the cheating type.

The issue here isn't rather or not she cheated. Its him being able to work through his own issues that pushed her away in the first place. Its about him being able to become the man he wishes to be. Its him doing it for him. If he can and they are both open to at least being friends in the future (as it seems they are), who are we to disagree?

 

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, ShySoul said:

The issue here isn't rather or not she cheated. Its him being able to work through his own issues that pushed her away in the first place.

So, lets blame him because he pushed her away into cheating? Dont you think that is a little unfair to OP? Just because some of you, from some reason, cant comprehend its sometimes also a womans fault too and you want to always blame a man, doesnt mean she has a point to emotionally or even physically cheat with someone else. You dont develop an attraction in a few days. She willingly left OP to be with somebody else. Which is fine, its her choice. But dont tell me she is blameless there or that she hasnt been in collusion with the other man during the relationship. We both know that it isnt true when she left the relationship to try to be with somebody who doesnt want a relationship. But probably just use her for sex. We both know that is also true but one of us deludes himself that it isnt what happened. 

OP isnt blameless in all this. But his guilt is largely exaggerated by him blaming himself for all of this(as Ive said, he is at "bargaining" stage) while thinking she is some kind of a saint. Which again, it isnt true by a mile. Other side is far from blameless in all of this. Especially when we know another man involvement there. That is why I said he should accept that it didnt work and move on. This is done and there is no fixing it. 

[MissCanuck]

On 6/10/2024 at 3:39 PM, Jaunty said:

I understood that to mean that she broke up with the OP because she was "in love" with him and he didn't want to be in a relationship.

That's how I interpreted this, too - that she was talking about OP and not another guy. 

[ThisIsSugar]

On 6/10/2024 at 4:43 AM, Kwothe28 said:

You dont get them back. She literally told you there is the other man she is trying to be and who she is in love with and sleeping with. Hence why there is no choice but to move on.

I was being metaphorical. Ofcourse she is lacking attention and the other side gives them that. That is how those men operate. Boyfriend and husband doesnt give them attention, other side swoops in, gives them some attention and gets into bed with them. For example

This one literally already slept with the other guy. From where do you think "he doesnt want to be in a relationship" comes from? Guy already got the cookie and served her with "Oh I am not a relationship type" speech. That is the danger of cheating or even leaving long term relationship for somebody who most likely just wants sex and told you those stuff to get that. They wont be with you afterward. 

But nevertheless, this thing is over. Again, there is no coming back from this for OP unless he wants to lose all respect for himself and takes her back after the other guy gets tired of having sex with her and she realizes she got fleeced there. Not really a recipe for a successful future. 

Im confused? what other guy? its just me. she broke up with me cause of me, nobody else

[ThisIsSugar]

On 6/12/2024 at 7:41 AM, MissCanuck said:

That's how I interpreted this, too - that she was talking about OP and not another guy. 

exactly- no cheating happened. I mean i hope man

[Kwothe28]

54 minutes ago, ThisIsSugar said:

Im confused? what other guy? its just me. she broke up with me cause of me, nobody else

Ah, OK. Thanks for clarifying, my bad then.