Online dating again journal

[janut1]

You are not being contacted by a cold, manipulative, uncaring, unemotional, jerk. Personally, I would be throwing a party and I would also be out there looking to upgrade to a person worthy of me. Just my 2 cents.

 

I like this better! LOL

 

I go from sad to happy and then sad. Im sure eventually I will be happy and free of the emotional roller coaster ride I was on for 1 year.

[janut1]

Another day. I slept better last night, which is good. Sometimes I am happy that I am not part of the drama of his life, which was constant, and other times I miss the drama. But all the help, emotionally and physically I gave him was for not. I did lots for him and feel sad that I gave that so blindly, without thinking much about my own needs. Hopefully, if I ever get in another relationship, I will be aware if my needs are not being met much sooner.

 

I don't like myself very much these days. I feel unattractive, lonely, lost and stupid for allowing men in my life take me for granted even after going to therapy over and over again. I just haven't learned and Im in my 50's. Ill never be a skinny model, Ill never be a women who turns heads when I walk in a room, Im average at best. Just being honest. Ive had nothing but bad luck in love and relationships and I think that is because I hold on to people even if they are bad for too long. I've been married twice to abusive men and left both. The second one I had no clue he was verbally abusive until one day I woke up and realized that he was awful to me for most of our 17 year marriage. I was strong enough at that point to leave him. I was done though, and never looked back on that relationship.

 

Im still recovering from a surgery so that sucks too. I can't go workout, which I think would help me get my mind off of this for a short time either.

I wish I could do a do over and be in my 20's again with confidence and self worth. I just think its too late for me to ever be happy.

[reinventmyself]

Oh boy Janut,

I too am in my mid 50's and I can empathize with your story.

When will you be on the other side of your surgery? That in itself is challenging. Too much time on your hands to mull over everything.

 

Take it from me. Once you are on your feet and you put your mind to it, you can turn this around.

But for now, this moment, you are grieving and everything will look bleak. It's pretty text book.

Sit in it. . allow it to pass. . because it will and start coming up with game plan.

 

Write things down.

Start making a list of improvements and things you want to do. Travel, paint the kitchen, join a book club.

I did this years and I was actually surprised and a little amused at the same time.

I never really considered all the things I could do if I really put my mind to it.

Nothings impossible. (well maybe being president) but you have a lot of options . . .

Keep writing and start getting excited about your life. You are not a passive participant of your own life. .You actually get to create it!

[janut1]

Oh boy Janut,

I too am in my mid 50's and I can empathize with your story.

When will you be on the other side of your surgery? That in itself is challenging. Too much time on your hands to mull over everything.

 

Take it from me. Once you are on your feet and you put your mind to it, you can turn this around.

But for now, this moment, you are grieving and everything will look bleak. It's pretty text book.

Sit in it. . allow it to pass. . because it will and start coming up with game plan.

 

Write things down.

Start making a list of improvements and things you want to do. Travel, paint the kitchen, join a book club.

I did this years and I was actually surprised and a little amused at the same time.

I never really considered all the things I could do if I really put my mind to it.

Nothings impossible. (well maybe being president) but you have a lot of options . . .

Keep writing and start getting excited about your life. You are not a passive participant of your own life. .You actually get to create it!

 

I will be done with disability on May 1. This means right now I am home all day recovering. I was laid off in January. I think this has been the lowest point I have ever had in my life.

 

I am looking for work, sending resumes every day and have another interview tomorrow. Im only finding work at a lower pay right now. Its been very tough. I been back and forth on this, but I know that I may need to work at lower pay and look for another job just to get myself out there doing something and keeping my mind busy. I can do some side work if need be to get extra money. So basically Ill be working my butt off to pay bills.

[reinventmyself]

I will be done with disability on May 1. This means right now I am home all day recovering. I was laid off in January. I think this has been the lowest point I have ever had in my life.

 

I am looking for work, sending resumes every day and have another interview tomorrow. Im only finding work at a lower pay right now. Its been very tough. I been back and forth on this, but I know that I may need to work at lower pay and look for another job just to get myself out there doing something and keeping my mind busy. I can do some side work if need be to get extra money. So basically Ill be working my butt off to pay bills.

 

It makes total sense why you settled for this guy who couldn't muster up a simple warm fuzzy moment. From the sounds of it, you are at an all time low.

I can't imagine how must feel and to let go of what you thought was your life preserver. It must be very painful.

Unfortunately he wasn't keeping you a float, but rather taking you down further.

 

I admire that you had the strength to do at this time. You need to give yourself a lot of credit!

Most people wouldn't have been able to do that. I hope you see that.

Maybe at some point when things get a little more balanced, they might have. But not when you are at your lowest and alone.

I admire you and think you are really brave. I hope you can see that in yourself.

 

The good news here is this is all. . temporary! Yes. Temporary!

You will heal, get back to work and things will change for you.

Just this immediate time will continue to suck . . yep, yep.

And acknowledge you are allowed to feel bad for the time being until it passes.

Hang in there. .

[janut1]

Thank you for thinking that Im brave. I just couldn't keep living a lie that I was happy because I wasn't happy. I just didn't want to be alone again so stuck it out way longer then I should have. I have learned a lot from this relationship.

 

It will be 2 weeks tonight since I broke up with him. It seems like it was just yesterday. I have been up and down and feeling like Im getting a bit better every day. Of course I still cry a couple times a day cause I miss talking to him everyday, and hopefully that will end soon too. Its like someone died. But, I don't miss the drama in his life and the worry and anxiety of the relationship and I am less stressed about that.

 

I do know that my focus has to be about finding a job. I did have a second interview today and it went okay, he asked me why I wanted to go into sales and I was thinking I don't really want to, but of course didn't say that. It is really not the kind of job I want, but Im starting to feel desperate. I can look for another job if I do get hired though, getting paid something is better then no pay at all or unemployment.

[janut1]

I talked to a friend today that I haven't spoke to in awhile. I told her all my bad news of late. She said you are stuck in the mud. Your going through a breakdown before the breakthrough. I hate being stuck in the mud and I guess that is what will motivate me to get out of it.

 

She asked me some good questions and one was what did I get out of being in the relationship with my now X. The only thing I could come up with was companionship. Then I started in on my reason for staying because he took me to surgery, helped me for a week after recovering made me food so I would have it, etc. but then said there was no passion, intimacy explained what happened on our last trip and how that was pretty typical. And then something happened. I am tired of talking about this. Im tired of feeling ugly and sad because he didn't love me. Im sick and tired of being sad. Im mad that I wasted a year because I though something would change.

 

Hopefully this feeling will stay with me. I can find all kinds of reasons why I thought he cared about me, but really in the end, he wasn't the guy for me, he obviously doesn't miss me and I need to move on. I deserve better and tired of sacrificing my needs just to be with someone. DONE AND DONE.

[reinventmyself]

DONE AND DONE.

 

good for you!

Several years ago I had a moment like no other.

After months of wallowing in the mud as you described it, one day I saw my self in the mirror and caught myself saying out loud:

`I am done!'

It was a surreal moment and I felt it run right through me.

 

Honestly, I don't know where it came from but I was glad it did.

From that moment one something shifted, almost like a light switch and I started moving forward.

I hope it's the same for you!

[janut1]

A guy I was dating before I met my X has been in contact with me again for several months. He had knee surgery when I had my foot/ankle surgery and we were both going through recovery at the same time. Of course he was walking right away as part of this physical therapy, I couldn't walk on my foot for months. But we had lots in common with being stuck at home, not driving for a while and being bored. Etc When we were dating, he was always so quiet and shy, I had to do most of the talking. Now he talks a lot to me. I asked him why he was more open and he said I guess cause I know you better and feel more comfortable.

 

When he found out I had surgery, he stopped by with beautiful pink white and yellow roses and a get well card. That was real nice. I was dating my X at that time and was kind of worried about it, but again, there was no romance or him asking me out, it was just a nice gesture. I remember my X came over one day and the roses were in a vase on my counter, but he never asked me where I got them.

 

He had text me on Saturday night and wanted to call me, but I was out with my girlfriend and couldn't talk on the phone at that time. I had a sense that something was wrong though, but I didn't text or call him back. Today he text me to tell me his brother died last week and that he is sad and depressed. I told him that I was sorry and asked if there was anything he needed. He said, just be my friend and I said I can do that.

 

WOW, this year so far has been rough for a lot of people. Sometimes this kind of thing, like death can put perspective on your life. I pretty down in the mud with work and losing a relationship, but I guess things could be a lot worse.

[janut1]

Today was okay. I cried a couple times because last year at this time, I went to his moms for Easter. I had a great time and it was the second time I had met them. I really liked his family, so I am sad that I won't be part of the Easter celebration this year. Of course we were brand newly dating and him introducing me to his family was a big deal. He never officially met my family. Only my older sister and youngest brother because he went to a baseball game with me in April of last year.

 

Anyway, I read a article about how you know if a guy is into you. They said that they do things for you without you asking. Well my XBF did things like that all the time. I remember him buying weed killer and coming to my house and spraying weeds for me. I didn't ask him to do that and was really happy about it. He helped me move all my furniture for my surgery, moving my bed and TV downstairs because I wouldn't be able to walk upstairs for months. He put up my Christmas tree for me, again without me asking. He took me to his house and grocery shopping and to all my follow up appointments too. I was so scared about my surgery and was texting him about how scared I was and he came by my house without asking me to be sure I was okay. So I think that was why I felt he cared for me. He did a lot of things for me and I knew that his love language was acts of service. So where did it all go wrong? What happened to make him not care about me enough to even fight for us, to make things better? I guess Ill never know why he didn't fall in love. What did I do? Now Im blaming myself for this. Im trying to see where I went wrong. I was respectful, kind and we didnt argue. I had lots of doubts, but never discussed it with him. I was not clingy or needy. As much as I wanted to see him more, I never told him that. I never felt comfortable talking to him about deep stuff or issues much because I think intuitively that he would reject me. The only thing I can think of is I was too nice. I should of stood up for what I believed and challenged him more. I was so afraid to be like his X, that I just toned it way down.

 

I remember him watching a street preacher just recently. This street preacher said some bad things about woman's rights and it turned me off. I couldn't believe that my X liked this guy. He asked me that night if I liked him and I said No. I told him I didn't like how he talked about woman and he said well that was just once, I haven't heard him say that before, but it still turned me off a lot. That was the night before the last day I saw him in person. Maybe my reaction was not something he liked? I guess Ill never know.

 

He also didn't like tattoos and I have two. One you can see on my wrist and another you cant see on my back. I remember him saying how stupid tattoos were and I said you know I have two. He said yea, I see the one on your wrist. I put that in my OLD profile too, so he knew that and about my nose ring before we met in person. So I feel he just didn't like much about me as a person or didn't like my choices.

 

I guess this is all a waste of time. If he loved me or cared for me at all, he would of never let me go.

 

Im going to my daughters for a Easter brunch, so that will be nice. And on another note, my man friend, from my last post, that I dated before meeting my X asked me out for a drink. Im going to go. I figure its okay to go out and have a drink. I have nothing to lose and feel comfortable with him cause we know each other and its not like a new guy Im meeting. It might be good for me to just relax and have fun. I also have plans to meet my best girlfriend for dinner on Monday. Looking forward to that.

[Ms Darcy]

I suspect you know deep down the two of you just didn't have a deep connection. You didn't feel it and he didn't feel it. I think you are lonely and wanting to blame yourself for things you did/didn't do to make you love him. But there was nothing to be done. It wasn't there. You weren't compatible.

 

You both let it drag on too long ... maybe from a place of loneliness or fear.

 

Relationships aren't a walk in the park, but I suspect you both were suffering through a bunch of doubts throughout the relationship. Growth is not trying to fix something that doesn't work. It's walking away from it.

[Batya33]

"how you know if a guy is into you"

 

nothing to do with gender and really no need to read an article. You know in general what it means to give a darn about someone and you know in general how your actions reflect that.

[janut1]

"how you know if a guy is into you"

 

nothing to do with gender and really no need to read an article. You know in general what it means to give a darn about someone and you know in general how your actions reflect that.

 

You are right. The internet is full of articles that make you feel wrong, less then and sometimes even stupid. It is just basic common sense. Thank you!

[janut1]

My daughter was talking about life and how for her it's get up go to work, come home, cook, clean up, relax a little, go to bed and get up and do the same thing again and again.

 

I tried to keep her spirits up, but man I feel the same exact way. What is life about? We work hard, have kids, buy a home, work ourselves to death and do that over and over and over again. There is no joy, no fun, nothing. Why do we even exist? To have heartbreak after heartbreak, to accomplish nothing of significance and just do that over and over. Its stupid and not at all what I though life was about when I was a young adult. I feel like a waste of space. If I left here today, no one would miss me, I might as well just disappear.

[thejigsup]

Well, it's up to you to make your life fun. It's no one else's responsibility. My life is very fun. I get up, talk to friends, cook, work out, go to work, come home, cook, get online a bit, and go to bed. AND I LOVE IT! Think about what other people in the world have to do. They get up every day hoping no one kills them or that they get even one meal to eat. We have it pretty darn good. ENJOY IT!

[Batya33]

Well, it's up to you to make your life fun. It's no one else's responsibility. My life is very fun. I get up, talk to friends, cook, work out, go to work, come home, cook, get online a bit, and go to bed. AND I LOVE IT! Think about what other people in the world have to do. They get up every day hoping no one kills them or that they get even one meal to eat. We have it pretty darn good. ENJOY IT!

 

Yes, it's all about attitude. And no joy or fun in having a child?? I felt like I won the lottery when I was able to have a child. I do not enjoy every moment -there is exhaustion/stress/frustration/disappointment but at bedtime I tell him 3 of the good things he did that day -and I make at least 2 very specific/unique -try that with yourself too - notice the joyful or fun moments, the moments of accomplishment, and note them right before you go to sleep -I've been doing that for years (sometimes instead I focus on the 3 things I am thankful for, even if one is just Nutella on toast).

 

And for those people who do not have a child/choose not to there are countless other ways to make it fun/joyful/interesting - work can be a source of fun/joy and if not then volunteer work/exercise/yoga/an awesome book, etc.

 

Don't indulge in that negative nonsense.

[itsallgrand]

I'm curious what you thought life was about when you were a young adult?

What is it that you are feeling so very disappointed with as far as expectations not being met?

 

You do realize that having children, buying a house, etc. are choices right?! At any point, you could have decided NOT to make those choices. It's an odd fatalism about the very things we control, which I find strange.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, it's up to you to make your life fun. It's no one else's responsibility. My life is very fun. I get up, talk to friends, cook, work out, go to work, come home, cook, get online a bit, and go to bed. AND I LOVE IT! Think about what other people in the world have to do. They get up every day hoping no one kills them or that they get even one meal to eat. We have it pretty darn good. ENJOY IT!

 

You're not kidding. My parents spent a few years in their youth as refugees of war. Having stable jobs, going to work every day, coming home, cooking, eating - stability and family - is very fulfilling to them.

 

I believe in having a purpose-driven life. It's cool that some people choose that through religion. While that's not me, what I like about it is that it provides a framework for having faith that your life has a purpose and reaching to live that purpose. My husband and I are more (community) service oriented and spiritual. So we think a lot about the things we do (together and by ourselves) to live our core values and reach towards fulfilling our purpose.

 

I'm not a huge Yogi but I do find Yoga and meditation are incredible (as you can get into it) for clearing your mind of negative thoughts and getting in touch with a more spiritual side of yourself.

 

By the way, I think (a bit of bias) that having children is one of the biggest "purpose-driven" actions a parent can do. You've had a child, raised him/her and are continually nurturing that relationship. I really enjoy my convos with my mom (though she lives far) and find a lot of fun and fulfillment in talking to her. There is joy is many little things.

[notalady]

Well, it's up to you to make your life fun. It's no one else's responsibility. My life is very fun. I get up, talk to friends, cook, work out, go to work, come home, cook, get online a bit, and go to bed. AND I LOVE IT! Think about what other people in the world have to do. They get up every day hoping no one kills them or that they get even one meal to eat. We have it pretty darn good. ENJOY IT!

 

Couldn't agree more with this. Life is what you make of it. If you think about it as simply going through the motion (buying a house, having kids, work, eat, sleep), then die, you are ignoring the joys of doing all those things. The first moment you get the keys and move in to the house that you bought and love, the moments of joy with your children, the sense of achievement at a job that you enjoy, the simple pleasures of a delicious meal, a good cup of coffee, a cold beer, a glass of wine, a good night sleep when you are super tired, watching your fav Tv shows or movies and be so engrossed in it that you laugh or cry with the characters, going out and seeing friends, laughing with them, being clumsy and making mistakes and laugh about those too, and talk about it months later "remember that time you did that? It was hilarious", and laugh about it again. There are just so many joyful, memorable little moments in life, I don't understand how you can think that life is joyless. It is not about the ending (which is the same for everyone), it is what you make of it along the way, the things that you do to make yourself happy. If there's any aspect that you're unhappy about, do something to change it, even a little. It's all within your control.

[notalady]

Its stupid and not at all what I though life was about when I was a young adult. I feel like a waste of space. If I left here today, no one would miss me, I might as well just disappear.

 

Like itsallgrand, I am curious what you thought life would be as a young adult. But I'm going to be blunt here and say you're being overly dramatic in saying if you left here today, no one would miss you. Really? So your daughter wouldn't miss you? No one in your family would miss you? No friends would miss you? Really, no one?

 

Some people achieved great things in life and will be remembered by many when they pass, but many if not most of them also lived a troubled life, not a happy one.

[janut1]

I had a pretty hard weekend. I had Easter brunch with my daughter, which was fun seeing my grandson, but also depressing too because of our conversation. I came home and tried to rest cause I didn't sleep at all Saturday night. Had chinese food dinner with my 19 yo son. Last year, I went with my X to his moms for Easter and had a blast, so I kept thinking about that and knowing he was there and having fun playing games etc.

 

Im going though the ups and downs of this breakup for sure. Last night I thought about what I missed the most about him to try and force myself to be realistic about this whole relationship. Im too focused on the good stuff, forgetting all the bad stuff that was making me so unhappy. I realize that I only miss his family, and talking to him daily. But even in talking to him every day, it was always about him 80% of the time. So maybe I miss the constant drama in his life, cause I don't have much in my own life. Then something washed over me that made me feel gross, and it was the new years day episode of him deciding he wanted me to go home around 10PM that night after I changed into PJ's, I wasn't driving so I was totally reliant on him to take me home, and thought I was staying another night because we had bought food for breakfast the next day and movies to watch. This happened a few times during our relationship. It was a awful feeling.

 

I need to start thinking about my own needs and practicing saying whats on my mind when things are bothering me. I tend to hold things in cause I don't want to rock the boat but that never works cause then it sits with me and bothers me. I don't want to be treated the way he treated me ever again. I have been with men who I have allowed to treat me badly just because I had feelings for them and didn't want to lose them. I need to remember that they are not worth keeping around if there not treating me with respect and my needs are not being met.

 

Another thing I thought about last night: My sister who is 61 is with a younger guy who is her booty call. Some might say Good for her! LOL He comes and "sleeps" with her once or twice a week and leaves right after, maybe 45 minutes tops. She feeds him nice meals and treats him like he is a king. They text each other every day and he tells her when he is going to meet her. He even has a key to her place so he can come over and eat her food when he is in her neighborhood. She has "broken" it off several times, but keeps going back because she says its better then being all alone. She tells me she is not in love with him at all. This is her life and her decision, but for me this is just sad. She wants a real relationship, but can't let go of this one to find that. They been doing this for almost 5 years now, so she was my age when it started. I think about this often because I don't want to be in that position. I want the real thing, not a FB or FWB that she has and Im wiling to be alone to find that some day.

[janut1]

I heard from my X's sister in law again today. She was checking in on me, which is nice. I do wonder if she reports back what I say, but hopefully not. I told her I found a job and am still looking for other work as well just in case this doesn't work out. As long as she doesn't talk about my X I guess these texts are okay. We didn't talk about any of that, so all good.

 

I had lunch with my best friend today and had a great time. We talked about stuff and how Im doing and she reminded me of things I would say about my X when we were together and reminded me why its good it over. I feel like Im going to be okay now. I think getting out and seeing people who know me and I can chat with makes things better. Since I am home most of the time right now, I get to focused on the relationship and not anything else. So its good to see friends thats for sure.

 

I also took a test for a city job and will see how that works out in a couple of weeks.

 

So today is a good day so far!

[janut1]

Im hanging out relaxing at home today and feel pretty good. Not sure if this positive shift is going to stay with me for awhile or will end in a hour, but its nice not to be so down right now. I keep saying one day at a time to myself so I don't get too down about being single yet again! Because I can go through the thoughts that I will never find someone else because Im not skinny, young, or beautiful. But If I go down that road, its hard to get back up so Im choosing to try and stay more positive.

 

I can't wait to get back to exercising again. My ankle is still a bit stiff and I can only walk for a little while before I get sore. Its getting better every day though. But I am really missing exercising big time. It helps me take my mind off things and makes me feel good about working out and feeling good.

 

I remember that my X wanted me to help him diet around the holidays. He told me that his Dr told him he needed to lose at least 100lbs. I tried to do my best, but since I didn't see him that much during the week, I would just check in with him about what he ate and if he exercised and cheer hi on if he did well that day. He would juice for awhile with organic veges and fruit. I would tell him he needed to eat more good food, but he never listened. His juicing would leave him so hungry and then he would fall back to his old routine. He got on the treadmill twice and gave up after that.

 

The problem with this is he would always tell ME that I needed to exercise, and watch what I ate. When I was healing after surgery, he would say you need to walk, get outside, get moving. But I had a cast and was like yea, I can go out on my scooter and do some walking on my one good leg, but Im recovering and it will take time before I can get out and walk like a normal person. I started to feel bad that I had to be on my scooter and felt like he didn't want me on that thing, but I needed it to get around. He was pushing me constantly, which I never understood. I told him a couple of times that I will remember this if he ever goes through surgery. He was 350+lbs and telling me I needed to move, but he ate tons of junk food and never exercised. The first time I was with him when he ordered food from a fast food place, I thought he was ordering for several people. He ordered tons of food for himself. I was shocked that he could eat that much. Before my surgery I was consistently going to exercise 3 times a week, plus hiking once in awhile which I started to love. I know Im not skinny, but at least I was trying to be active and would eat pretty healthy most the time.

 

Also another thing that was odd, and I never shared this with anyone, was he told me he was 6ft tall - there was no way he was 6ft tall. I am 5'6 and I did not have to look up to see his face, he was maybe 5'8. My X husband was 6ft and he is much taller then my XBF. Kind of makes me laugh cause he was so proud of being 6ft and I didn't have the heart to break it too him that it couldn't be possible. He also told me he hated looking at himself in the mirror and would avoid it at all costs. Oh well, just strange that he would push me but do nothing for himself.

 

On the job front, I found out that I start training for my new job on April 28th, which means I have about 1 month before I have to start. The good news about that is I have another month to recover and exercise my ankle/foot and maybe be less stiff.

[janut1]

Yesterday was pretty good. I do however still think about him way to much during the day. I remembered that he got his daughter yesterday at 8pm like every week and I cannot wait until I forget all about his routine and his kids routine. Will that ever happen? I also had a dream that he brought his daughter and her friends to my house. I was shocked because he rarely came to my house and his daughter was always bored here and didn't want to stay long and I guess they were going to spend the night. In the dream he was laying down with his daughter on the couch and said, I miss you and love you. I said ME?? And his daughter looked at him and they both smiled and shook their head yes. LOL Like that would ever happen.

 

I guess Im moving on as hard as its been, I cannot see myself going back to him or having a relationship with him ever again. I think that is progress. I am grossed out by some of the things he liked and did to me and I don't ever want to be put in that position again. Like my friend said, it would take him to be completely different in order for it to work and I don't see that happening ever.

 

My main concern right now is that I am grossed out about relationships and sex all together now. Its all just awful and hopeless and I don't want to ever get close to anyone again. I hope that this is just a passing thing, but at this time I cannot fathom being with anyone ever again. He has turned me off to it all. Id rather be alone an feel safe then give myself to anyone again.

[reinventmyself]

My main concern right now is that I am grossed out about relationships and sex all together now. Its all just awful and hopeless and I don't want to ever get close to anyone again. I hope that this is just a passing thing, but at this time I cannot fathom being with anyone ever again. He has turned me off to it all. Id rather be alone an feel safe then give myself to anyone again.

 

That will change. . .promise.

Hang in there.

I hope you see the progress and are able to acknowledge it.