Online dating again journal

[janut1]

Sorry to hear you broke up, but also glad for you. Most definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship.

 

I was kind of puzzled when you say everything was good except the lack of affection, attention and intimacy. Isn't that a major part of a relationship and kind of the point of having one? If not, we'd have no need for a romantic relationship and just have close friends and family right?

 

I don't know how you put up with it for so long, my ex (dated 6 months) was very much like that, and I feel like I had to throw myself at him for some basic affection (handholding etc) and have to be the one to initiate, but I only had one weekend stay over where it felt like we're just roommates and I felt so alone and unwelcomed lying next to him at night, and that feeling of being alone when I was with him was what drove me to make the final decision to break up. Best decision ever.

 

I think with a little bit of time (if not already) you'll be glad to have made this decision as well. I think that perhaps you can spend time working on being happy just being with yourself? Be your own best company for a while? I think once you're happy being alone, you wouldn't waste time staying in a relationship where it feels more alone being with someone than being by yourself.

 

 

I know exactly what you are talking about. That feeling of laying next to him at night and feeling so alone and unwelcomed. He would talk to me for hours about his drama, then put on his sleep apnea machine, not even say goodnight or kiss me goodnight and fall asleep. It felt so empty and alone.

 

New Years Eve, I was at his house that night we made a late dinner and we kissed barely at midnight and went to bed. We did some fulling around, but again it was so bad. He was so lazy in bed he expected me to do everything. The next day, he turns into some cold person. Makes a bunch of sausage and eats it all not offering me any.

 

At this point, I wasn't driving so relied on him to take me home. So later that night around 10pm he says, I plan on working on my trucks tomorrow really early and getting blah blah done and then says ready to go home? No warning nothing, just you got to go now. I said wow its so late and I just got comfy in my PJ's can you just take me home tomorrow AM. I felt totally rejected and not wanted. I should of went home because he then decided to watch TV till around 2am and then when we went to bed he played his radio really loud, he listens to that at night, but knows its hard for me to sleep, so turned it up extra loud just for my benefit. His actions were cold and uncaring. He would do this periodically. If I was driving, I would of pack my stuff and left.

 

We would be doing okay, then he had to have alone time. Mind you we only saw each other maybe 2 times a week, he had lots of alone time. I guess he wasn't that into me, but kept me around for company. I really never understood it. Im sad that I did let it go on to long. I think that showed him that I didn't mind being mistreated and would just come back after. My self esteem is not where it should be because I know if I thought I was a good catch or cute or attractive, I wouldn't put up with this at all.

 

He did share a couple things a few months ago about his X. One was about her complaining that he never hugged her, he didn't do something in bed, he never told me what. His therapist told him that he should be doing that, whatever that was. She eventually left him for another man and married this guy. She told him that she found someone who could please her in bed. Im sure some of that was to hurt him, but it makes so much sense now after being with him for awhile. His X is not a very nice women, she treated him poorly and is still angry with him, but I think some of this is because she endured years of neglect. I get it now and sometimes secretly wish I could talk to her and find out more.

[LoveSoDeep]

Sorry you're having to go through all this!

 

Reading how cold he was makes me wonder if he's asexual. He just doesn't have the same sexual needs and desires as most and so doesn't really understand what they mean to other people. He also seems just downright selfish. I can totally understand your desire for companionship and hoping for the best...I know I've done the same more than once but I hope you'll see this really is for the best. You deserve happiness!

[Ms Darcy]

Well it sounds like he filled in some gaps - especially cutting down on or preventing your loneliness. It sounds like there were some good things about the relationship. But it also sounds more like a friendship than a relationship.

[Batya33]

Well it sounds like he filled in some gaps - especially cutting down on or preventing your loneliness. It sounds like there were some good things about the relationship. But it also sounds more like a friendship than a relationship.

 

I wouldn't be friends with someone who would make themselves a huge meal and not offer me any. I wouldn't analyze this beyond - he is not a good match for you and he is not as into you and you are into him which is hard, I know, but I wouldn't waste my time on his experiences with his ex, as a child, whatever. It's not going to help you move on or make a better choice. Plenty of people have baggage/ex-related history and you would rarely, if ever, second-guess how much they care about you.

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't be friends with someone who would make themselves a huge meal and not offer me any. I wouldn't analyze this beyond - he is not a good match for you and he is not as into you and you are into him which is hard, I know, but I wouldn't waste my time on his experiences with his ex, as a child, whatever. It's not going to help you move on or make a better choice. Plenty of people have baggage/ex-related history and you would rarely, if ever, second-guess how much they care about you.

 

I believe the OP has expressed some disappointment in ENA responders suggesting breaking up/not supporting the relationship previously. So my only point is to note what she did get out of the relationship.

 

I have a gf who is on and off with a bf and we've (friends) definitely learned not to discourage the relationship when they break up because they could be back together anytime.

 

I don't know if she's going to get back with him but I am just recognizing that things may change again and she may change her perspective.

[Batya33]

I believe the OP has expressed some disappointment in ENA responders suggesting breaking up/not supporting the relationship previously. So my only point is to note what she did get out of the relationship.

 

I have a gf who is on and off with a bf and we've (friends) definitely learned not to discourage the relationship when they break up because they could be back together anytime.

 

I don't know if she's going to get back with him but I am just recognizing that things may change again and she may change her perspective.

 

I see. I remember that but this time around seems very different/far more definitive. Sometimes people throw around the term "just friends" as if it's a default for "well it's not romantic so it must be a friendship". I have a stricter definition of friendship.

[Ms Darcy]

I see. I remember that but this time around seems very different/far more definitive. Sometimes people throw around the term "just friends" as if it's a default for "well it's not romantic so it must be a friendship". I have a stricter definition of friendship.

 

Totally understand.

[janut1]

I wouldn't be friends with someone who would make themselves a huge meal and not offer me any. I wouldn't analyze this beyond - he is not a good match for you and he is not as into you and you are into him which is hard, I know, but I wouldn't waste my time on his experiences with his ex, as a child, whatever. It's not going to help you move on or make a better choice. Plenty of people have baggage/ex-related history and you would rarely, if ever, second-guess how much they care about you.

 

I agree with you. That was on New Years Day and I really felt like he was being rude and selfish. He was basically done hanging out with me and wanted me to go home, although he didn't say that to me, just by his actions of making lots of food, he eats tons, and not offering me anything, not even breakfast after spending the night, then being pretty off putting the rest of the day. He could of just took me home and not waited till 10PM to tell me. (I had foot surgery and wasn't driving, so I relied on him to take me home) I was really offended and actually asked my sister to come and get me tht next morning then he said I can take you home now. He was only working on his truck, so he could of took me home and then worked on his truck. I couldn't wait to leave. These are the things that I put up with and for the life of me I cannot figure out why now. I was hurt many times by his actions and said nothing. Too afraid of what he would say I guess after the whole sleepover debacle awhile back. I never want to be in the position where I cannot express my feelings, it sucked.

 

I slept better last night, but woke up startled remembering Im not with him anymore. I really doubt he will try to reach out and if he did what would really change. He is emotionally unavailable and was that way with his X too. Yea analyzing his behavior does nothing for me at all. But Im still confused why he kept me around, took me on a trip last week and talk to me daily if he wasn't into me. Guess I filled a void and was someone to hang out with. He has no friends really. He talks to his older neighbor but thats about it.

 

I was laid off from work in January and am looking for a job and its been tough. I am still recovering from foot surgery too, so thats another issue. I was able to get on disability which is helping, but still doesn't pay all the bills. When it happened, he was more concerned about me getting out there and getting a job right now and pushing me to do so. Making sure I was budgeting my money and not relaxing. No offer of help at all and I would never ask him either. But this man is wealthy, has a very successful business, so it was disappointing to me that he didn't offer to help me at all, knowing I was a single mom and knowing I am looking hard for a job. My X BF would of helped me a lot even though he wasn't wealthy, he was always there for me. Im seeing so many things now that I didn't before. When I had my surgery, which he pushed me to get, he came and helped me get ready the night before and then went home that night. He came back the next morning at 6am. He could of just stayed with me, which would of been nice because I was so scared about the surgery. I asked him to and he said no and I was really upset. He stayed with me the night of the surgery which was okay, then helped me the rest of the week by stopping by in quickly in the am and pm to check in. Never stayed with me again after that one night. My X BF would of never left my side, he would of stayed with me for as long as I needed.

 

I put up with him being terrible in bed too, I was like thats it? He would sext me once in awhile which was fun, but none of what he said would ever happen in real life. What did I get out of this relationship? Maybe companionship only. So yea, I know I put up with a lot of stuff that I should never have.

 

And no, Im not interested in going back to my X BF, we had other issues. Im just saying if someone loves you, they will do things for you to make you happy, comfortable and feel special and loved. I never got that from him once. Im more upset with myself right now for acting as if all was okay on the outside, but dying on the inside. I cried a lot the last few months thinking about him and how bad it was and how lonely I felt, then I would just go with the flow like nothing was wrong. Im feeling pretty stupid right now. Im also feeling like I don't want to get out there again ever. I've had so many disappointments. All I ever wanted was to find a nice man who appreciates and loves me for who I am to spend the last years of my life with. At this point, it seems it will never be.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Does it help to list the "cons" of the relationship? Make sure you know what you mean by "nice man" - be specific -when you are ready to date again that is. For example, I never tell my son he is a "good boy" or a "nice boy" unless it's part of something very specific like "you were kind to our neighbor - you're a nice person!".

 

I don't think it's fair to expect a boyfriend to offer to help you financially. Did he pay on dates? It also doesn't matter how much $ he has - he's entitled to keep/save his money or spend it. Certainly if he wants to do something outside your budget and you tell him you cannot afford it then he should offer to pay if he wants you to come along but I never assumed a boyfriend should offer to help me financially.

 

Fear of being alone is a big motivator -you can change that. Take some time off and I wouldn't let past disappointments dictate future behavior.

[janut1]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Does it help to list the "cons" of the relationship? Make sure you know what you mean by "nice man" - be specific -when you are ready to date again that is. For example, I never tell my son he is a "good boy" or a "nice boy" unless it's part of something very specific like "you were kind to our neighbor - you're a nice person!".

 

I don't think it's fair to expect a boyfriend to offer to help you financially. Did he pay on dates? It also doesn't matter how much $ he has - he's entitled to keep/save his money or spend it. Certainly if he wants to do something outside your budget and you tell him you cannot afford it then he should offer to pay if he wants you to come along but I never assumed a boyfriend should offer to help me financially.

 

Fear of being alone is a big motivator -you can change that. Take some time off and I wouldn't let past disappointments dictate future behavior.

 

About the offer of money. I didn't expect him to, but was disappointed because he offered to help his employee with money to help him pay rent one month, but not me. I also feel like you do that he shouldn't have to help me financially, but seeing that happen was a bit off putting.

 

Yea, I know everything you are saying. I will be more specific in what I am looking for and have a great affirmation that really details things about who I would like in my life. I will do that when I am ready. I have to go through these emotions. I can say that I don't feel as bad as I did when I broke up with my X BF, but I feel the reason is I was in love and loved by him, big difference .

[thejigsup]

He was not your bf...ever. He was some guy that you hung out with once in awhile. I wouldn't even call him a friend. I think you should get into therapy and find out why you would put up with this kind of bullcr*p for so long. He was terrible to you and you took it. Find out why and fix it or it could happen again. You are worth far more than this moron.

[janut1]

He was not your bf...ever. He was some guy that you hung out with once in awhile. I wouldn't even call him a friend. I think you should get into therapy and find out why you would put up with this kind of bullcr*p for so long. He was terrible to you and you took it. Find out why and fix it or it could happen again. You are worth far more than this moron.

 

You are so right! WOW, hard to hear but right.

 

I was in therapy while I was dating him believe it or not. My therapist told me to ask him where he felt this relationship was going and told me that I should not wait to long, because of age, etc. I didn't do it because I knew what I would hear and wasn't ready to let go. Looking back, she was right and I should of done it. Live and learn.

[WithLove]

Some lessons we have to learn the hard way. In that exact same boat myself for different reasons, my friend.

 

The best thing, though, is that we CAN learn from them! They were mistakes and you learned about some new red flags to look for, right? So once you're healed and moved on to better things, no one will pull the wool over your eyes again.

[janut1]

Well its the weekend and this is usually the time I am either excited cause my X wanted to hang out or upset cause he didn't. Its actually kind of a relief not to have to worry about whether he wants to see me or not and not having to deal with all the stress about that. Last week at this time we were on our way to our 4 day escape. Funny what a week later can look like.

 

I am still sad, and working through the void of losing someone I talked to every day for a year. I don't think we ever skipped a day where we didn't at least text each other. My phone is quiet at night, no how was your day text from him any more. I know I will get through it just like I have before. Im not as upset as I was last time I broke up with a BF, and I feel that's because we were never truly intimate, like most relationships I have been in. Theres no good memory of connecting or really being touched by love or anything like that. So that might help me get over this quicker, but time will tell.

 

I think my biggest issue with this is feeling stupid for hanging in so long thinking things might change. That he might love me or feel something for me and he would tell me that soon. I wish I was brave enough to tell him that I didn't feel this relationship was growing and I wasn't happy. I wish I could of just spoke my mind. If anything, this is a lesson for next time if there is one. If I am too afraid to say anything then something is wrong. It shouldn't be that much of a struggle. Also, I have been crying over this relationship for months now and I knew deep down that this wasn't working. I was getting to the point where I wanted to go home at night and not stay with him. I wasn't excited about our trip last week either. But, I was scared to let go and be alone and kept it going with him. On another forum, someone said, its worse to be lonely in a relationship then to be alone. So true!

[janut1]

Woke up really sad today and Im still not sleeping well at all. I was tossing and turning all night. I was hoping not to feel this sad about him. Again its the void. No text, no call, nothing. Im used to checking in with him daily. I had a small panic attack thinking that he found someone already. Thats the worst thing to think about. He would be nicer to her, make love to her and ask her to marry him.

 

I still don't understand why he text me everyday, saw me on the weekends and took me on trips. Why did he buy me roses, candy and a nice card for Valentines day? Was he pretending that whole time? This makes me feel unattractive and not worthy of anything good. He didn't fall in love with me in a whole year. I can honestly say I didn't fall in love either because there was no intimacy, no real communication about us. We talked about our days, our kids, our jobs, his drama, always drama in his life but nothing about us. I stayed because I was hoping it would change one day...I should of ended this when he broke up with me at 3 months. I would of been in a better place today. What a waste of time.

[janut1]

Wow I thought it would get better each day and I wouldn't miss him, but I do. I have to remind myself how bad this relationship was for me every minute. But I miss the companionship, the daily texts. My phone is so quiet. I wonder if he feels the same.

[Batya33]

Make a stack of index cards or similarly sized cards and on each write one bad thing about the relationship. Go through the stack as needed (or paste them on the wall you face most often -or on your refrigerator.

[browneyedgirl36]

Wow I thought it would get better each day and I wouldn't miss him, but I do. I have to remind myself how bad this relationship was for me every minute. But I miss the companionship, the daily texts. My phone is so quiet. I wonder if he feels the same.

 

This is totally normal. I used to miss someone who was really bad for me, too. If my phone made any noise, my heart leaped. It's amazing how much quieter my phone was after things were over with that guy. That was a big part of what I missed -- just having *someone* contacting me daily. The reality was that the guy was a jerk to me a lot of the time, and I was better off alone. It was hard to accept that at the time, but eventually I did.

 

Work on filling your time with things that are meaningful -- or at least distracting, at this point. I used to put my phone away and only check it a few times a day (rather than every 10 minutes or so!) Or, I'd go somewhere and leave my phone at home, or leave it on silent all the time.

 

Intellectually, you know this was bad for you and that you were very unhappy with him. It's just the other parts -- the ones that really don't have anything to do with him and have more to do with not wanting to be alone -- that are hard to accept. Our emotions often aren't in line with our more rational brains. The longer you're away from him, the better it will get, for sure.

[reinventmyself]

. I had a small panic attack thinking that he found someone already. Thats the worst thing to think about. He would be nicer to her, make love to her and ask her to marry him.

 

I still don't understand why he text me everyday, saw me on the weekends and took me on trips. Why did he buy me roses, candy and a nice card for Valentines day? Was he pretending that whole time? This makes me feel unattractive and not worthy of anything good. He didn't fall in love with me in a whole year. I can honestly say I didn't fall in love either because there was no intimacy, no real communication about us. We talked about our days, our kids, our jobs, his drama, always drama in his life but nothing about us. I stayed because I was hoping it would change one day...I should of ended this when he broke up with me at 3 months. I would of been in a better place today. What a waste of time.

 

Because that's all he's capable of. His ex wife confirms this fact for you.

So it isn't about you. It's about a man who has an entirely different attitude about how relationships should be than you.

It appears to him a relationship is about meeting his needs, not yours.

 

And it's pretty normal to miss someone who isn't even healthy for you.

 

As you mentioned, you miss the companionship (even if it wasn't fulfilling) you miss the sense of belonging.

 

You stayed too long hoping for potential for someone who showed you early on who they were.

 

Now there is a void and this void comes at time where you are at your most vulnerable.

You should be proud of how you handled it and you had to courage and self respect to say `enough'

[reinventmyself]

Wow I thought it would get better each day and I wouldn't miss him, but I do. I have to remind myself how bad this relationship was for me every minute. But I miss the companionship, the daily texts. My phone is so quiet. I wonder if he feels the same.

 

I am not sure you miss `him' . .but rather the companionship.

I agree with Batya. Write a list of things and when you feel vulnerable, refer to the list!

This seriously saved me more than once.

[notalady]

I am not sure you miss `him' . .but rather the companionship.

I agree with Batya. Write a list of things and when you feel vulnerable, refer to the list!

This seriously saved me more than once.

 

Yep I found this very helpful. I actually keep a list during the relationship (good and bad things about the guy), and it becomes very clear after break up, how much longer the "con" list is compared to the "pro", which helps affirm my decision.

[janut1]

Slept for a solid 4 hours, which is more then I have been. I deleted his phone number and text messages as well as his youngest & oldest daughters and X sister in laws numbers/texts from my phone, poof all gone! Deleted his voice mail I kept too, all gone. It didn't make me feel any different, but at least I am not looking at his messages on my phone any more. He wasn't on any social media, thank goodness, so I don't have to worry about that.

 

I had a good phone interview today and now scheduled for a in person interview on Thursday. I need a job and I am trying to concentrate my efforts there instead of him, but its still hard. I wonder how he is feeling about this all. Guess he is just moving on easily since he didn't feel as much as I did for the relationship. Its probably much easier for him.

 

I made a list of "cons" as recommended and there are a lot. I read them when I feel the need to remind myself of this awful relationship I had for 1 year. I know I can't go back to him because it will never change and I desire more in my life with a partner.

 

Yesterday I talked to my sister and was sad about being alone and feeling rejected from him cause he never loved me. I really cannot fathom dating and hope that that feeling changes, but for right now, I am just numb. I don't want to be bitter, but I am.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

Yesterday I talked to my sister and was sad about being alone and feeling rejected from him cause he never loved me. I really cannot fathom dating and hope that that feeling changes, but for right now, I am just numb. I don't want to be bitter, but I am.

 

This is typical and we all feel this way post break up.

But you know what?. . .In time it passes. . you meet someone and your life as you know it changes.

Just have faith!

Hang in there.

[notalady]

Agree with reinvent, it will get better in time!

 

I personally also find it helpful in the healing process to think about what I could've (should've) done to avoid being in this situation in the first place, or at least minimised the time and emotions I spent on something that wasn't working, what red flags did I ignore and how do I make sure I don't get into a similar situation again. Thinking all that through gives me a sense of control (and of course self improvement) and I felt better for it. It also prevented me from feeling "bitter" for the lack of a better word. I think the bitterness feeling also comes from a feeling of lack of control, a thinking that there's nothing you can do to meet the right guy, the wrong guys just keep showing up and you keep falling for them, whereas knowing that there's something you can do to avoid the wrong guys (and meet the right guys), that it is within your control, helped avoid that bitterness for me.

[reinventmyself]

Agree with reinvent, it will get better in time!

 

I personally also find it helpful in the healing process to think about what I could've (should've) done to avoid being in this situation in the first place, or at least minimised the time and emotions I spent on something that wasn't working, what red flags did I ignore and how do I make sure I don't get into a similar situation again. Thinking all that through gives me a sense of control (and of course self improvement) and I felt better for it. It also prevented me from feeling "bitter" for the lack of a better word. I think the bitterness feeling also comes from a feeling of lack of control, a thinking that there's nothing you can do to meet the right guy, the wrong guys just keep showing up and you keep falling for them, whereas knowing that there's something you can do to avoid the wrong guys (and meet the right guys), that it is within your control, helped avoid that bitterness for me.

 

Good advise.

And even in the midst of it all, I do find my moments where I welcome the challenge.

When I begin to get my balance, I ask myself. `ok, ok. . what's the lesson here I was supposed to learn?'