Online dating again journal

[janut1]

Still holding on a bit, but trying to move on...

 

I still feel sad about my X that I started this journal with at times. Now that I have seen the gal he is dating on Facebook, I have been thinking about him a lot. I think this feeling bothers me more then anything right now. I think about how they are together, how much fun she is having and how happy they seem to be. I think about how there must be something wrong with me that he choose her and not me. I think that might really be it. Its a feeling like I wasn't good enough, its a blow to my ego. Then I think about how can he treat me the way he did and how he must be so different with her. I guess I just don't get why he texted me daily, saw me a few times a month, was upset if I didn't text him and then goes dark, comes back and tells me that crap about missing me, Im a special lady and then bam he's with someone else. I wonder what its like to be in a real relationship with him. She is getting the full on guy, no wishy washy I don't know what I want comments. Then I think how lucky she is.

 

I have dated a few men since him, but I still think about him. I try to think of something else when he pops in my head and it works sometimes, but since I saw their shiny happy faces on FB its been harder to do. I should be happy for him but sometimes I wish she would dump him hard just so he gets to feel the pain and hurt that he put me through. I know, not good, but I'm just being honest.

[Ms Darcy]

Sometimes, if I jump into dating before I have moved on from a guy, when things don't work out with anyone else, I start to miss the "original" guy more.

 

Some kind of rebounding.

[janut1]

I have X's come back out of the woodwork. I have no idea why this is happening to me, but it is. My other X is calling and texting me. I let him know that Im dating now, so he knows. Yikes. What is happening?

[Ms Darcy]

You should ask.

[janut1]

Mrs Darcy - I do ask. They all say the same thing. I miss you, you are a special lady, I made a mistake for leaving you. I am so sorry for the way it ended. I am sorry for everything. Will you forgive me. I care about you. I still love you. I didn't mean to hurt you. I feel like a as@hol@ for all that happened. I think about you a lot. You were so much fun to be around. We had a lot of fun together.

 

I am at the point where I can't believe any of it since I have been burned right after hearing this stuff. Its crazy making for sure.

[Ms Darcy]

Are they begging for forgiveness or for another relationship? I guess that's what you would consider asking.

[janut1]

Yes I have asked that and the one who just contacted me ask me if I would consider dating him again. We dated for 19 months and of course there is a reason he is a X.

 

The one before him said he wants to see me, but wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship and I turned that down, then he got into a relationship right after.

[Ms Darcy]

You did well to reject the second guy. He was obviously juggling a few women in his head, trying to get the best he could.

[janut1]

Back from our first trip together and we had a blast. Before I left, I thought this trip would make or break us as it would be a lot of time spent together and alone. I was hoping it would go well though and it did.

 

Before I left on my business/fun trip with P I was extremely nervous and excited all at the same time. We met on Friday night and drove to his parents house, spent the night there and they took us to the airport in the morning. I am a very nervous flyer, so my Dr prescribed Xanax for the flights. This time my nerves had to do with flying and spending 5 days with P for the first time.

 

We got in Saturday evening to MN and his brother picked us up at the airport and drove us to our hotel. When I checked into the hotel there was a mix up and they didn't have a room for us that night. The gal who booked my trip from work said it was all confirmed and good to go. So I had to contact her and see how to get this straightened out. We were both so tired from traveling all day, it was a bit unnerving. I was getting a bit worried about it all and he was so calm and even told me not to worry it will work out. So the hotel had to put us in another hotel just for that night and they paid for it and also offered us a free dinner that night in their hotel and paid for a taxi too. It all worked out nicely. We work well as a team and I and my therapist have seen that time and time again, it just works for us when we are figuring out how to do things together.

 

We had a very nice dinner and then went back to the hotel our first night and had a really great evening. Packed back up the next morning and moved back to the nicer hotel and got settled in.

 

Sunday we went to a Twins baseball game with his brother and family and had a blast. After we rested awhile we took a walk around the city and found a place for dinner and again had a great time.

 

Monday, He walked me to work and we got lost, it was pretty funny. I had no address just a map, but I didn't even think to look at the map for the address before we left. We realized after that we past the actual building 3 or more times. While I was at work he hung out with his brother and nephew, then they picked me up from work and we had a BBQ at his brothers house.

 

Tuesday, back to work after a nice morning together. He walked me there and back every day and I thought that was really nice of him. So cool to have him meet me at work and walk back with him.

 

Then on Wednesday we decided to go see the Mall of America before we left. Hopped the train and went. Bought some souvenirs for the kids and then hopped the train back to the airport.

 

On Wednesday I was getting sad because I knew that was the last day of our trip. I had this all in my head before I left knowing it would be an adjustment going from being with P for days and then when coming back home, going back to reality of seeing him 2-3 times a week and back to the same old routine. I miss him already. We don't live together and we are still dating so this is what it is. Of course Im not ready to move in with him, but I can see that it could work at this point if we ever decide to move in that direction.

 

P is not an affectionate man as I have mentioned before but on this trip things changed on that front which is really good. On the flights he would put his hand on my leg and rub my leg and I would hold his hand and rub his arm. He held me after sex too, which was really nice. We laughed a lot and had a great time.

 

He was generous and paid for most of my meals. I chipped in here and there, but he did most of the buying. I now know that I would travel with him anywhere after this trip.

[WithLove]

I'm glad you had a nice time with P, Janut!

[janut1]

My X boyfriend.

 

Before I left on my trip with P, I was on the phone with my X BF. We talked about a lot of stuff around our relationship and why things worked and didn't work too. I thought about the many trips we took together and how much fun we had. Lots of reminiscing was happening. I knew if I was going with my X on this trip I wouldn't be nervous because I was comfortable with him of course.

 

At one point he started to cry and said he just wants to hold me and be with me again. He wished he didn't leave and felt really bad about all of the hurt he put me through. Of course this made me cry and it was an emotional call.

 

He knows Im dating P but asked me to think about us on this trip and contact him when I returned. I said I would, but at about day 4 on my trip I realized that I didn't think about my X once. I was having too much fun with P.

 

My thoughts before I left were, if I left P to go back to my X, would I regret that decision? If I stay with P and we never get past the walls that he has up will I regret staying with him? These type of decisions can be extremely difficult and emotionally taxing. I did talk to my therapist about this all and she and I agreed that leaving P for my X is not a good thing to do. And that decision is based on what my X and I struggled with and not knowing if that would ever change.

 

My decision is pretty clear now that I am back. I'm not leaving P to go back to my X at this time.

[janut1]

How quickly things change.

 

So I contacted my X boyfriend on Tuesday. I told him I would reach out after I got back from my trip. I waited almost a week to do it because I knew I wasn't going back to him and was not really excited about talking to him about it.

 

I text him on Tuesday, tell him Im back had a good trip. Nothing... I text him again and say, Not talking to me?... he texted back.

 

Who is this? I don't know this number. (ahh yea sure)

 

At first I think he is just joking with me then he says... Leave me alone.

 

OMG - Im like really? He says.. Please leave me alone. So I ask are you back with her? He says yes. So she is probably with him and hes acting like he doesn't know me. HA HA HA

 

This after all the crying, telling me he loves me and wish he could hold me again. How sorry he was and blah blah blah.

 

So he is back with his girlfriend that he had broken up with in May and then again in July. He is a JUMPER. He wanted a answer from me before I left for my trip so that he could decide whether to go back to her or be with me. Im sure in another month he will be broken up with her again. This is exactly how we ended. Broke up, back together and broke up and back together. He is pretty predictable! But, if he ever contacts me again, I will block him. He is an a@@hole.

 

So needless to say I made it very clear to him to NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN!

 

He could of just said... I have gotten back together with her and I would of said good for you! Oh brother. This guy is a jerk so glad I didn't go back.

[janut1]

It's been awhile since I have posted here.

 

I had surgery on October 14 on my foot and ankle to fix a long time issue - actually born with a foot that never was straight and it was getting worse as Im getting older. I actually broke a toe and went to the Dr to have that straightened and my bunion removed, but once he took xrays he found I had lots of problems, included a ankle that would give out eventually as the way I walked was causing strain on it.

 

After much thought, I opted to have the surgery. I had to move my bed downstairs and TV too as I was not going to be able to walk upstairs for a long time. We arranged my house to make it most comfortable for me to get around. The only big bummer is my shower is upstairs so I would have to crawl up there to take a shower. (I have done a lot of crawling) I had to buy so many things I would not have thought I would ever purchase. A shower stool, a cast cover and a raised toilet seat, a knee scooter. These things were life savers for sure.

 

I was so scared the day before surgery that I almost cancelled. I went through with it and now I am recovering. I just got my cast off on NYE. It felt great to have my foot free, but it is fat and swollen and looks like Fred Flintstone foot LOL.

 

I am now in a boot during the day, but take if off to sleep. It is worse then the cast - very heavy!! I am not able to try walking in the boot until January 14th. I have been flexing my foot and working some of the muscles as they have gone away and need to be rebuilt. So weird how muscle can just go away when not used. Yikes.

 

The journey of this surgery has been a bit frustrating, depressing, sad and agonizing. I am not a person who likes to rely on anyone to do anything for me. I am very independent. This surgery has made me have to rely on others to help me. Its been a big lesson for me to allow others to help. I have had my BF help me quiet a bit and my brother has also been helpful when I need a ride downtown. I am on a knee scooter which is great to get around with, as I found crutches are just to hard to use because you cannot have your hands free unless you do a balancing act on one foot.

 

I now understand the realness of being alone. I have had lots of time to think about my life and how I wish it was much different. I miss having a "family". What I mean by that is being married and having my kids with me full time. It would of been nice to rely on someone who knows you really well and can help when needed. I find when my kids are with there dad, it is really lonely around here. There really is something to "growing old together" I would not want my X husband back, but there are times where I wish I was in a healthy marriage with someone who loved me no matter what.

 

I am not able to drive, so I cannot get in my car and go. I sure miss that!!! Can't wait to be able to drive again. I feel like a teenager who is ready to drive for the first time alone! Sometimes I fantasize about moving away and leaving everything behind and starting a new life in a new state/city. Not sure I would ever really do that, but its fun to think about. I am lucky as I work from home, so I am able to work and get my mind off things 8 hours a day. If I didn't work from home, I would of had to be on disability which would of meant way less money per month.

 

Depression is up and down every day. I feel sorry for myself sometimes because I am so limited in my ability to go anywhere without someone driving me. I would love to just go see a friend or out to dinner without the whole scooter thing or asking someone to pick me up. Its getting really old and at this point I am ready to be normal again.

 

My BF has been really supportive. He was the one who talked me out of canceling my appointment, encourages me to be patient and tells me that I will have a straight foot and not have to limp anymore once Im fully recovered. He took me to surgery and stayed the whole time. He checked on me twice a day for a week or so after and made me coffee, breakfast and dinner. He also cooked stew and soup that I could put in the freezer for later. He took me grocery shopping every weekend for a month until I decided to find a grocery delivery option. That has been a blessing as I don't have to wait to get groceries when he is available. He helped me move stuff around so we could put my Christmas tree up. All and all he has been really good about the whole thing. He is much more positive then I am about this surgery but its hard to see what I am going through unless you have been through something like this yourself. I know that he would be much more whiny if it was him in this position and I know, even though he has been really great, I would of been much more attentive to his needs. Spent more time with him during the weeks after to be sure he had everything he needed, and babied him more.

 

The holidays were less then stellar for me, but I muddled through. I just didn't have as many decorations as usual and my kids understood that shopping was a bit tricky. Thank goodness for online shopping and other family members having Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. I usually have Thanksgiving, but this year there was no way that I could do that.

 

My Dr wants to do my other foot as well - but right now I cannot even consider doing this again for a very long time. I certainly will not do another surgery around the holidays either. I missed out on a lot. Maybe Spring but again, not for at least a year. That foot is no where near as bad as my other foot was so it can wait a bit.

[WithLove]

Hi Janet - thanks for checking in to update.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your foot problems, but I'm glad you pulled through. How is it that your boyfriend wasn't there for you as fully as you needed/wanted him to be? From what you describe, he was there pretty constantly while you recovered for that first month. What changed?

[reinventmyself]

Hi janut,

I had foot surgery once (repair a severed tendon) It was the longest 10 weeks ever

I am terrible at sitting still and it got depressing very quickly.

It definitely gives you an appreciation for those who have life long health struggles. I can't imagine!!

 

I so relate to your story about not liking feeling vulnerable and dependent on others.

You don't realize how much you need your feet until you can't use one!

 

Hoping you have a speedy recovery and running around block soon.

. . and yah. .I'd wait before I would sign up to do it again,

Hang in there.

[janut1]

Hi Janet - thanks for checking in to update.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your foot problems, but I'm glad you pulled through. How is it that your boyfriend wasn't there for you as fully as you needed/wanted him to be? From what you describe, he was there pretty constantly while you recovered for that first month. What changed?

 

Yes he was really there for me for the first month and Im sorry if it sounded like I didn't appreciate him. I just know myself and I probably would of stayed with him for a couple of weeks after to be sure he was able to do what he needed to do.

[janut1]

Hi janut,

I had foot surgery once (repair a severed tendon) It was the longest 10 weeks ever

I am terrible at sitting still and it got depressing very quickly.

It definitely gives you an appreciation for those who have life long health struggles. I can't imagine!!

 

I so relate to your story about not liking feeling vulnerable and dependent on others.

You don't realize how much you need your feet until you can't use one!

 

Hoping you have a speedy recovery and running around block soon.

. . and yah. .I'd wait before I would sign up to do it again,

Hang in there.

 

Thank you! On man it is the longest 2 1/2 months ever!!! Can't wait to get back to exercise and all. I read a lot about walking again and it seems that I still have a lot of recovery to go. Learning to walk on that foot is going to be a process. Here I thought I would be up and going much sooner. LOL

[reinventmyself]

Thank you! On man it is the longest 2 1/2 months ever!!! Can't wait to get back to exercise and all. I read a lot about walking again and it seems that I still have a lot of recovery to go. Learning to walk on that foot is going to be a process. Here I thought I would be up and going much sooner. LOL

In the beginning my mom would pick me up during the day and take me to her house and we would go to lunch and run errands.

I wore her out!

One day she took me to craft store and I bought supplies for a couple projects. She dropped me off at home that afternoon and said something like. .`this ought to entertain you for a while'

I stayed up late and finished everything and called her first thing in the morning. She asked 'what happened to the projects??' (that realistically should have taken a few days each) "I finished them both. What are you doing today?" . . Lol

 

Hope your recovery is a breeze!

[janut1]

Im back and now alone again.

 

I've been dating my BF for 1 year as of Tuesday. Its been a rough and strange year with him for sure. I posted this on Loveshack for advice:

 

My BF and I have been dating for 1 year now. We are both in our 50's. He has never told me he loves me, and I haven't said it to him either because he seems so cold. He never talks about his feelings for me at all. I am feeling really conflicted lately as Im not sure where this relationship is heading.

 

He broke up with me over text around the third month of dating before 4th of July, and after he did that I went NC and he reached out to get back together 4 days later. His excuse was stupid and I think that is still bothering me. I still wait for the other shoe to drop. We've had one disagreement in a year and that was when I asked if he wanted me to spend the night and he said no and was really rude about it saying he wasn't ready for sleepovers or shacking up. I was really hurt and reacted in a way that he didn't like, and looking back I had a right to be hurt. He just said he was being matter of fact and sorry that I couldn't take that honesty. I think that was when we were dating about 2 months. We do spend that night with each other now, sometimes.

 

On valentines day, I expected nothing from him, and was surprised that he bought me roses, candy and gave me a beautiful card. The first card he ever got me. But he signed it from "Your Man", not Love you or Love. I didn't get him anything because I really didn't think he would do a thing. Which is sad on my part.

 

He is not an affectionate person, at first I thought it was just he wasn't affectionate with me, but its just how he is. He told me once that his X wife complained in therapy that he never hugged her. I wish I said yea, that seems to be a issue for me too, cause it is. When he does hold my hand, I cherish it cause its so rare. He doesn't kiss me goodnight when I spend the night, which is weird to me too. He just goes to sleep.

 

The only way I know he likes me is how he helps me. I went through foot surgery and he helped me a lot with everything around that, including moving my bed downstairs, taking me to surgery, grocery shopping, taking me to his house when I couldn't drive to hang out, etc.

 

We only see each other 2 maybe 3 times a week and that has not changed since we met. Occasionally we go away for a few days and thats great, but then after he seems to withdraw and not want to see me for awhile. We went away for 5 days, and came back on Tuesday. I didn't see him this weekend at all. He can be with me for days and not touch me except kiss and hug me hello and goodbye. Sometimes he holds my hand when we watch tv. There is absolutely no cuddling with him. Its hard not to think its because he is not attracted to me or want to be with me, but why then does he ask me to come over?

 

He has complained about my bed, my dog, my house, my couch. So I don't invite him to my house very often. He seems to be more comfortable at his house with his crappy couch, crappy bed and his old dog.

 

He is generous in other ways, he pays for most everything, opens doors for me, offers to carry things for me, cooks for me. He is a nice guy in general, makes me laugh, can be really silly and generous. But this other stuff is just odd to me. I have never been with man who didn't want to cuddle, have sex or say he misses me, loves me or anything like that by now. Most of my other relationships were more communicative.

 

I have met his family and his mom says she loves me and she is happy Im in her family. I would die for him to say that to me. She is very huggy and lovey so I don't think its something with his family. His father is more cold, so maybe thats it, but who knows.

 

Im so conflicted. I've asked him if he is attracted to me, he says he is. I've talked to him about having sex more often, he says he agrees, but nothing changes. I think his sex drive is pretty low, he is a big man, maybe 300+ lbs and that might have something to do with it, he is also on high blood pressure meds too.

 

I guess Im just not sure what to do. I go from wanting to move on, to thinking he is a good guy, and I can put up with these things. But if that was true I wouldn't be so conflicted. Uggh man has anyone been with a man like this? What if anything did you do to make it better?

 

 

I got some replies and most of them were about him not being emotionally available, and that is the truth. How he was my better then nothing man, which is also true. I know I hung in there way to long waiting for him to change. We did have fun, but there was no intimacy, no love, no I miss you's, no real sex, he was awful in bed, and basically none of my needs were being met except maybe a companion to do things with on the weekends. We were still just seeing each other 1 -2 times a week, sometimes more, but he was in charge of all of that.

 

So last night I told him how I felt about everything I have been holding back on... lack of affection, lack of sex, the lack of him getting to know my kids, he didn't even buy them a christmas presents, him not liking my house, my dog, my couch, my bed. How he never kisses me goodnight when I stay over, he sleeps miles away from me. The feeling of being alone with a BF never felt right. I would lay in bed at night thinking about how I was so alone but had a BF how does that work? I could never really tell him how I felt because he could be so cold. I would avoid that at all cost.

 

I told him how I have helped him with his business, kid issues, family gatherings, cleaning house with him for events, his kids birthdays, his emotional break downs around his youngest daughter not wanting to see him. I was there for him for all of this and was happy to do it because I cared about him. Im not sure what I expected but the only thing he said is "Im sorry you put more into this then I did, I guess I don't feel like you do." That was all I got after 1 year of being with this man. I told him I was done wasting my time with him and broke up with him.

 

I was crying all the time because this relationship was stressing me out. Everything was good except the lack of affection, attention and intimacy. We were I guess buddys without benefits, or rare benefits. I will miss the daily check ins and talks we had. Ill miss his family, who loved me at least, Ill miss his old dog who I became attached to. Ill miss his laugh and his silliness.

 

I wont miss his opinions on race, religion and politics. I still don't feel he is racist, but he is a very strong republican who is very opinionated. I won't miss the fact that he didn't have cable. I won't miss the fact that I was kind of afraid to have him meet my other family members because of the things he would say about race, religion and politics. We only watched Youtube videos at his house and that was it. Most were boring and annoying. He was a recovering alcoholic so I won't miss not being able to have a glass of wine once in awhile or being able to watch a R rated movie. I won't miss wondering if I would hear from him or not or see him this weekend or not.

 

I have never been in such a weird relationship with a man. It was not relaxed, I was always tense and after a year, things should be smoother and more relaxed. I always felt like I had to have my guard up. Im sad and feel alone again though and not looking forward to getting out there again to weed through the many jerks I have already encountered. Im starting to feel like all men on OLD have issues. Uggh

[Batya33]

I'm sorry this has happened. I read your post about your trip with him this past August and it seemed that things were progressing/changing. I think you also have to look at how you benefited in staying with him and in getting back together with him. Maybe you liked the challenge of his distant behavior -kept things interesting? Or maybe you didn't want to be that vulnerable with someone?

[janut1]

I'm sorry this has happened. I read your post about your trip with him this past August and it seemed that things were progressing/changing. I think you also have to look at how you benefited in staying with him and in getting back together with him. Maybe you liked the challenge of his distant behavior -kept things interesting? Or maybe you didn't want to be that vulnerable with someone?

 

Thank you. That was a good trip in August, it felt like things were getting better then.

 

I was afraid to be vulnerable with him because when I did try, he would get cold and pretty much shut me down. I wanted more, but was afraid to ask for it because I think deep in my soul I knew it was never going to happen with him.

[Batya33]

Thank you. That was a good trip in August, it felt like things were getting better then.

 

I was afraid to be vulnerable with him because when I did try, he would get cold and pretty much shut me down. I wanted more, but was afraid to ask for it because I think deep in my soul I knew it was never going to happen with him.

 

Yes and it might be worth it to evaluate why you chose to tolerate that -what benefits you got. Certainly it is safer to be with someone who acts that way -you don't have to risk being vulnerable and it is challenging to keep trying -keeps you on your toes. I dated a man like that in my 20s. Turned out that for him, the reason he was so distant/cold was because he was struggling with his sexual orientation - I never knew that but he has been happily married to his husband for 7 years now. Not saying that is his deal at all - that is unusual -but I do know that although I hated his distance I also chose to stay for 3 years or so.

[janut1]

Yes and it might be worth it to evaluate why you chose to tolerate that -what benefits you got. Certainly it is safer to be with someone who acts that way -you don't have to risk being vulnerable and it is challenging to keep trying -keeps you on your toes. I dated a man like that in my 20s. Turned out that for him, the reason he was so distant/cold was because he was struggling with his sexual orientation - I never knew that but he has been happily married to his husband for 7 years now. Not saying that is his deal at all - that is unusual -but I do know that although I hated his distance I also chose to stay for 3 years or so.

 

I did wonder a time or two if he was gay but he is so Christian and so against gay people that it didn't make sense, but you never know. I know I tolerated it because I didn't want to be alone again. But I was finding recently that i preferred going home after spending time with him and even cried several times after leaving him too cause I felt so weird and conflicted. Something wasn't right that's for sure.

[notalady]

I did wonder a time or two if he was gay but he is so Christian and so against gay people that it didn't make sense, but you never know. I know I tolerated it because I didn't want to be alone again. But I was finding recently that i preferred going home after spending time with him and even cried several times after leaving him too cause I felt so weird and conflicted. Something wasn't right that's for sure.

 

Sorry to hear you broke up, but also glad for you. Most definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship.

 

I was kind of puzzled when you say everything was good except the lack of affection, attention and intimacy. Isn't that a major part of a relationship and kind of the point of having one? If not, we'd have no need for a romantic relationship and just have close friends and family right?

 

I don't know how you put up with it for so long, my ex (dated 6 months) was very much like that, and I feel like I had to throw myself at him for some basic affection (handholding etc) and have to be the one to initiate, but I only had one weekend stay over where it felt like we're just roommates and I felt so alone and unwelcomed lying next to him at night, and that feeling of being alone when I was with him was what drove me to make the final decision to break up. Best decision ever.

 

I think with a little bit of time (if not already) you'll be glad to have made this decision as well. I think that perhaps you can spend time working on being happy just being with yourself? Be your own best company for a while? I think once you're happy being alone, you wouldn't waste time staying in a relationship where it feels more alone being with someone than being by yourself.

[Batya33]

I did wonder a time or two if he was gay but he is so Christian and so against gay people that it didn't make sense, but you never know. I know I tolerated it because I didn't want to be alone again. But I was finding recently that i preferred going home after spending time with him and even cried several times after leaving him too cause I felt so weird and conflicted. Something wasn't right that's for sure.

 

Oh I didn't mean to suggest at all that he is gay (as I wrote in my post). It's good you know what you got out of it- you did not want to be alone. Now that you know that you can check in with yourself next time if you feel you are staying with someone out of fear of being alone.