Advice for cohabitating with a boyfriend

[Fudgie]

My boyfriend and I are moving in together in about a week.

 

While I have been in quasi-live in situations before, where I would spend so much time over it would feel like I was living there, I've not actually lived with a boyfriend. I've never shared a lease with one or anything. We signed one together over a month ago.

 

I've been on my own for a while with roommates and my boyfriend and I know how to cook well, bake, clean, etc. He is much neater than me and is very good at cooking too. I feel confident that that will be fine but I'm wondering what I should be prepared for or what else I should be doing or not doing. This is new stuff for me.

 

We will be living in a 1 bedroom, splitting the costs equally, no joint accounts or anything. We made notarized agreement saying whose stuff is what so if we break up, we won't fight over things, who needs to move out, etc. We plan on getting a cat.

 

Future-wise, I want to be done with my education, have a job lined up, and not be horrifically broke before I marry him or anyone for that matter, so not until my late 20s or so but I am happy to cohabitate and be committed to him regardless. He agrees so that's good.

 

Anyway, does anyone have any advice? Stories? Words of wisdom?

 

How much do you typically spend

[RedDress]

Congratulations!

 

It's a little bit late for my advice, but I would have recommended getting a 2 bedroom. IME, people really need space. Lack of space (for me) led to fighting and stepping on each other's toes. The fighting immediately dropped when we moved into a bigger place... So... while it's too late for that, in the same spirit, my advice would be to try as much as possible to give each other the space you need to just "be".

 

I think you had a really good idea to prepare for the worst just in case. While it's less "sexy", I agree it's much better to keep your finances separate... but I guess that's a personal choice.

 

I also think it's great that you still have an eye on your future and education! That is so, so important.

 

As far as how much to spend... that's going to vary depending on where you are. New York and LA are going to be vastly more expensive than living somewhere in Vermont, for example. It also really depends on your income level, right? I mean... someone with a higher or lower income will choose different apartments, for example. So - this is very much individual. Of course, it's always a good idea to have a budget and live within your means.

 

It very much sounds like you have your head on your shoulders and your ducks in a row... so I'm sure you will be fine. Enjoy! Exciting times...

[Fudgie]

Oops my post got cut off. I meant how much do you spend on groceries for 2, typically? I am budgeting for $100/week. Where I am, food is pretty cheap. 1.99 for 1lb butter, 2.99 for a big bag of potatoes, 1.99 for 1lb of ground beef and 2.99 for chicken breast, stuff like that.

 

I thought about a 2 bedroom but the prices were too high for my liking. We do have 2 TVs and such. I told N we could hang out in different rooms,, the bedroom and the living room, if we felt like killing each other, lol. Do you think this would work? The rooms are separate. I we also each have our own cars so I am not reliant on him or vice versa if one of us wanted to go out and see friends and the other wanted to hang back.

[RedDress]

Oh! Food! Yes... that's a lot more constant.

 

As a single person, I budget $100/week for food but frankly that's WAY too much. I never actually spend that... I actually kind of "steal" from my food budget quite often. Realistically, I probably spend about $60/wk on groceries (for one) and that's spending very freely (not looking for deals, specials, coupons or worrying about what I put in my cart). I definitely think $100/wk for 2 is doable if you plan to cook.

[Snny]

I second getting a second bedroom because of space issue. I plan on doing so next year when my fiance moves back down with me because I need my office where I can do work that I bring home and he needs his entertainment center (the living room). When we lived with roommates and had limited access inside the house, we only had our own bedroom and it drove me up the wall. I didn't have a quiet place to work and sharing TV/movie/video game time got incredibly frustrating.

 

Food cost varies upon where you live. When I was living/working in DC, I was spending way more on food than I was when I moved down to the South. I would be more concerned about utility costs on top of groceries (since my fiance LOVES his sports coverage channels... cable costs more). Also... coupons are your best friend. Get them whenever you can.

[Fudgie]

I was worried about utility cost too. We have cold winters so I would use a lot of heat. Luckily I found a place that included all utilities so I won't have to worry about those. I ordered a cable and Internet package that is $105/month with tax for 12 months (just paid for tmy first month, once I activate it).

 

Do you think the space issue will be okay since we have separate living room and bedroom? There are no roommates to share anything with. I would go crazy if I was stuck in just 1 bedroom with him. We did that when he used to visit me at college with roommates and it wasn't fun. But luckily we'll be having our own living room.

 

I buy all generic food (no name brands) so I think that helps. I really like to cook at home.

[mhowe]

Only advice I have has nothing to do w/ food or finances.

 

Continue living your own life. Still see friends/family. Don't do everything together. You are co-habitating....not joined at the hip. Part of the living together experience is losing the "dating" feel of the relationship....don't take each other for granted. A little gratitude goes a long way.

[Liraele]

Be gracious during the "adjustment period" and ask him to do the same. There are going to be little quirks (everyone has them) that might clash - be prepared to work them out and compromise... and know where your real housekeeping "pet-peeves" lie, so that you can address them before they become an issue that results in bickering, if at all possible.

 

Housekeeping isn't always something that naturally divides in an even/satisfactory manner, so don't let yourself feel put off by things that he does/doesn't do - just communicate.

 

That's probably really all that needs to be said... communicate. Keep those lines open, listen to each other, and be the same patient, loving, attentive partners that you were before co-habitating.

 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

I never lived with anyone before marriage but here are my tips that I've discovered the last 3 plus years of marriage. Leave at least 2 things that bug you left unsaid each day. Do not focus on "fair" too much as far as splitting chores evenly. Find things that each of you don't mind doing that the other does -or minds more -and split things up that way even if it's not so equal. Limit the conversations about what needs to be done around the house/errands, etc. Either keep it to one short convo a day or do it by one email a day if that works better. Those conversations are boring and there will be enough that you have to talk about right then that require more urgency so limit that "we need more paper towels". Little things go a long way. Things like replacing an empty tissue box with a new one, toilet paper, paper towels, etc get noticed and with a smile even though it takes you less than a minute to do.

[cupcake22]

Sometimes you need to have that separate room to do your own thing. When the ex and I lived together, I would want to go to sleep early, but he would stay up playing on his computer....so annoying.

[unanimous123]

I agree with most of the poster's concept of giving each other space. Me and my gf live together in a two-bedroom apartment where one room is occupied by another couple and me and my girl on the other room. "Me" time is very important so you don't bore each other senseless.lol. My gf and I usually are on each of our computers doing something without talking to each other, sometimes we bond to watch movies and pillow talk at the end of the night. However, sometimes, we drink with friends and just relax. Since we have the same hobbies, we usually do things together though.

[chitown9]

I would prearrange a custody agreement for the cat in the event of a split. ....

[Fudgie]

I would prearrange a custody agreement for the cat in the event of a split. ....

 

Already done. We had a talk and we agreed (on paper) that of we split, he would get to have the cat. Full custody, not joint. I don't really stay in contact with my exes so if we split, I'd likely not see him or the cat again. It's sad but fair I think, because I'd keep the apartment. I can afford the place on my own and so if we split, we agreed that I can keep the place and get him off the lease so he'd have to leave with his stuff (ie all the furniture he brought).

 

I know if we get a cat and end up breaking up, I'll be heart broken and probably kicking myself in the rear for signing that document and giving away the cat but honestly, it's for the better. N adores cats. I do too but I know his cat would be on a pedestal for him. He bends over backwards for all his animals and I truly think it would hurt him more if I took the cat.

 

I'm so glad we didn't go the roommate route. A couple of our friends offered cheap places but we said no. One couple even had a house and we'd get a room or two but nope. I did the roommate thing for 4 years and I didn't like it. I had no interest in sharing a place with other people. It wouldn't feel like our place anyway, cause we'd have to share things. I know how it feels to be cooped ip in your bedroom cause you can't use the kitchen or living room even cause other people are there. It sucks.

[Miss Firecracker]

Just one thing from me. Lol

 

Litter boxes and small apartments are not a good mix. I know you have already decided, but it will not exactly add to your romance.

 

And I do like cats, but still....nasty!

[FYI]

Don't leave bloody tampons or maxipads in the toilet bowl!

 

I wasn't living with her, but I dated a woman who when she came to stay the night and if she was on her time of the month, would discard the pad in my toilet. I got up to use the bathroom one day, lifted the seat up and it was literally just red water. So I'm like, "Oh no.... it fell off!" Until I saw part of the pad sticking out of the water, stuck to the side of the bowl. Just don't be disgusting or trifiling. That's all. At least she could've flushed it, not left that for me to see. She did that a few times. I'd get up and go to the bathroom and realize that she (once again) forgot to flush the toilet... I don't want to see what comes out of you when I go to use my bathroom. See, all of these kind of things can have a really bad influence. Even though it's your apartment too, clean up after yourself.

[Miss Firecracker]

Years ago we had to live in a hotel for half a year during my husband's transfer. We had a cat and a litter box under a sink area. We used to hold our heads under the cover because the room always smelled strangely like buttered popcorn. Oh, those were the days. I remember when Princess Diana died and it was a terrible night seeing that on the news. There was that smell of buttered popcorn in the air and then someone had a stomach ache and farted. My poor cat got the draft of air and her ears went back flat. Then she started scratching frantically at the carpet as if trying to dig and bury that smell.

 

I shouldn't have told that, but I wanted to let you know what may be ahead.

[Fudgie]

I don't know when we'll get a cat but it will be in a couple months. Got enough room for a small litterbox in the bathroom.

N is going to change it so he said he'll do that once a day (he has cats and that's what he does at home). I have no idea what litter to use when that time comes...any ideas? Should I just dump a bunch of baking soda in and change everyday and just hope for the best?

 

Got my stuff moved in today....just have to do N's furniture tomorrow. His grandmother is livid that he's leaving home (despite having a job, continuing his education, and having his own car/insurance) and won't even talk to him and now I'm "banned" from her house. Whatever, her loss. I am at my family's home now...moving in tomorrow and spending my first night then.

 

The place is small, but at least the living room and bedroom are separate. It's cozy. I like it. I got TV/internet set up...although I think I'll need another splitter. Otherwise, it's great.

[Miss Firecracker]

Fudgie,

 

I have learned I can put two kitchen trash bags around my litter box and it saves a LOT of money. I used to buy those expensive litter box liners! I will take photos of the way I do this since I need to right now. It's pretty easy. I use a garbage tie to secure it or she will dig and throw the open end into the box and urinate all over it. The way I change it is to just peel backward and the liner turns into an inside out trash bag full of litter. It sounds hard but it isn't unless you fill the litter too full.

 

You will have to shop around and try different brands of litter until you get a good one. Publix is what we use all the time because it is very inexpensive but does a good job disguising the urine odor. I pour extra litter on top of the wet spots too.

 

Also, if you want to cut your problems way down, get a cat with VERY short hair. It is hard to find a groomer here that will even do cats, and when you do they charge a LOT! And we are getting this done about 3 times a year I guess. If we don't, she starts getting hairballs in her throat and vomits often. Sometimes cats will die from an obstruction if they swallow too much hair too. Short haired cats are much easier.

[Fudgie]

That's a great idea, Miss F. I will be doing that for sure to make changing the litter easy and not leave any "clumps" behind.

 

(I actually do something similar in my current job with commodes for patients... I use a waterproof pad so I don't have to wash the commode afterward.)

 

I will absolutely need to find a shorthair cat. I actually am allergic to anything with fur. I've lived with a shorthair cat for years and was totally fine but the longhair ones? I go over to a friend's house with just ONE long-haired cat and I'm sneezing like crazy. I have to get a shorthaired or I'm going to have my nose running all the time.

[Miss Firecracker]

Here is some information you may want to read, Fudgie. I liked the article. Maybe a Russian Blue would be a good one. They are beautiful cats.

 

link removed

[Seraphim]

Only one word. PATIENCE!

[iBroken]

I nominate a second bedroom (despite it being too late)

 

My GF and I moved in together and we got a two bedroom - that way there is more space (two bedroom apartments typically have a bigger living room than a one bedroom in my city) and we have two additional rooms to share. Our arrangement is working out just fine. Dont feel crowded - lots of privacy if we ever just want healthy space time from one another.

[Fudgie]

Things seem to be working out thus far. Have been in the new place for 2 days now. I am going to work shortly (I work nights).

 

I've been hanging out in the bedroom by myself after dinner to rest up for work. N's been in the living room...he's watching a show in there. He has done probably 70% of the cooking so far but we've made a lot...a couple curries, a cassorole, some potatoes, etc. This morning I made homemade crepes with fruit and he fried bacon. That was really good.

 

It's nice to be able to have my "me" time, that's for sure but I really like being able to be around him in this more domestic setting.

[Sportster2005]

Manage conflict assertively. One of the biggest killers I've seen and experienced is the mind reading trap. It goes like this. The man does something that the woman feels is wrong. Instead of bringing it up she believes he should have just known, somehow magically can read her mind. So then there's a fight. She says 'Why do you always wash my whites with your clothes. He says, why didn't you just say you don't want me to. She says 'you should just know that'. Man says or thinks 'why don't you just mention it instead of letting it become an issue?'. Most people want to get along, but they can't read your mind. Woman have a tendency to do this. Maybe men do to. But I've never heard a guy complain about this. Your experience and mileage may differ.

[Fudgie]

I totally agree. I think many women fall into the mind reading trap. I can confidently say that I don't. I can't keep mouth shut. If my partner pissed me off, he'd know within seconds. My boyfriend knows what I like, what I don't like, etc. Of course, he can't know all that unless I told him.