sbojo32

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just another opinion. Is there a stigma in society against telling someone how you feel, what you're looking for, and expecting them to do the same back? I get the impression there is. I'll back up. I've been friends/hanging out in groups with this guy for the past two months. we've been talking a lot more lately and he asked me out last week. We had an AMAZING time on Saturday, quite possibly the best date I have ever been on. Did I tell him this? No. I didn't want him to freak out. Since then, he called yesterday and we chatted generally and I called him today and we chatted generally again. I know I'm falling for him. And, I think he genuinely likes me as well. But we are both shy about it. we have both had relationships in the past that have caused the walls to come up and make getting involved again tough. Plus I've been in relationships for so long (as he has as well) I'm not sure how to start one. I don't know what to do. I know that I'm interested, I want to get to know him further, I want to go out again... but I don't know how to say it in a way that won't scare him off. I don't know what he's feeling or how to proceed. It's strange, because I'm not used to the beginning. I don't want to come on too strong, but I don't want things to go too fast or too slow either. *shrug* I know I didn't ask any questions, but any thoughts would be great.

Thank you all for responding, I really do appreciate it. I don't know if I could have just "not asked," even though the result wasn't what I had hoped for. I know he's leaving, and it's difficult for both of us. However, I wholeheartedly support his decision to focus on career and not so much on our relationship. I think it will be good for both of us - as individuals. I just don't want to be lied to - as in, if he's focusing on career, that's fine, if he's focusing on finding another girl, that's not fine. I understand why he got angry - in that he felt attacked. I don't understand why he couldn't reassure me that he did still want to be with me, though. I think I've been very supportive and understanding - even after he told me he had to live alone. It hasnt been easy to deal with - and at least knowing that he still cared for me made it better. Is that in question now? I just feel that my trust in him had dropped - something that is essential for a long-distance relationship. I'm just really confused on what to do... now... in the future... at all. Thanks again for the replies.

Summary of the past situation: my bf and I of 2.5 years live together, only he has decided that once the lease is up (June 1st), he wants to live alone. He's looking to move about an hour from here, but nothing has been set. He just knows he wants to live alone. He says he needs to focus on his career, his life, before he can make a commitment to anyone. He wants to try staying in the relationship; we want to try it because we both care for each other so much. This evening, he left something for me to look at on his computer. I looked at it and was going to head out (he wasn't home), and I decided to just check my email on his PC before I left. I noticed he had cleared the cookies... which I thought was weird - he never does that. So, I looked around a little bit - he hadn't cleared the "history" file -- and it was filled with clicks on a site for the area he's looking to move of "women looking to meet men". I freaked out and my mind went into overdrive. Just two days ago, we had talked and said we both wanted to work on the relationsihp and be there for one another because we both loved each other so much. Now this??? I was gone last night - so he had plenty of time to look at these other women. I calmly asked him why he was looking at that stuff - when he has a girlfriend. He immediately got defensive and angry and said he was looking at all kinds of stuff, he just wanted to know what people were interested in, what people were like in that area... if he could find people that share his interests (for things such as music or playing tennis). He said he clicked all over, not just in that section. I said, I know, and I don't care about the rest - I care about that one section and it bothers me. He said he didn't see why, and why I just don't believe him because it's obvious that I don't believe him, etc. I replyed that its not that I don't believe him, I'm asking because I don't want to accuse him, I just want to know why he's looking there. His only answer was that he was looking all over the site to see if there were other people that shared his interests. And then he got all mad and huffed off. What do I do? What should I think? I mean, he's most likely moving there. Is it stupid of me to even think we can try a distance relationship when he's going to act like that? How do I know he's not looking for a new GF? Was that all a lie about focusing on career? I believed him... I've had trust issues for a long time and he knows how insecure I get.... which is why him acting like that when I brought it up - instead of making it a point to reassure me that things were ok - makes me even more suspicious. Am I over-reacting????

Hi - first I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does seem like she's sending you mixed signals - telling you it's over but then maintaining contact and doing some of the things you were doing when you were dating. As a female, it could be that she's unsure of her feelings, but is blaming you for being the one who can't figure out what you want, or it could be that she's realizing that life without you isn't all that she thought it would be so she's still going to involve you - at her control. As for advice, that's tough. I think it needs to be made clear what's going on. If you're not together, and not going to be together, the no contact rule should be in effect. It's hard - if not impossible - to go from serious relationship to best friends overnight. It's possible - yes - but only after a substantial amount of time has passed. It's unfair of her to be leading you on. If she wants you as her boyfriend, then she should say that. If she doesn't want to be with you, she should back off and give you space and time to heal. At least you'll have some closure and some direction. Hope that helped and I'm sorry if I'm coming accross as harsh on her. I'm in a similar situation where the guy I'm with wants to back off the relationship and whatever, and I don't want to be toyed around. I finally had to tell him to lay it on the line - either we're bf/gf and we're exclusive and together - or we're not, in which case I can't be in your life right now. And that was rough (I had a glass of wine first!) but it was necessary. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

First, here's the mini background. My bf of 2+ years and I are living together and will remain living together until May. He told me about two weeks ago that he wants to live alone when the lease runs out because he wants to focus on his career. It's not about the relationship, he loves me and can see himself with me long-term, but for now, he's young and needs to live by himself to focus on who he is. He doesn't know if we can stay together or not, it depends on where we both wind up living. For now, we are still living together and on the surface everything is fine and happy... with the dark cloud hanging overhead of him leaving (and my heart breaking as I type this!). I wrote this letter this morning... I don't know if it would make a difference, make it better or make it worse. I don't know how adament he is about living alone or if he just feels smothered by the current living situation. Please any advice is welcome. Here's the letter: I've debated doing this, but I think I have to get it out. I just want to share my thoughts, perspectives, and things otherwise left unsaid. First, I love you. After my ex broke up with me, I didn't think I could love again, I really didn't. You showed me that I'm not only capable of loving again, but loving better and stronger than I had ever thought possible. To me, this was an amazing revelation. I can find love again. I have so much love to give, that just because one person rejects it, doesn't mean I can't find others. I love you, more than I have ever loved another person. Knowing it was a risk and I was putting my heart on the line to potentially be broken, I loved you with all I had anyway. And it's been worth it. The joy, the comfort, the support that I've gotten in return has been more than worth it. Second, I want you to be happy. I know that you're young and don't know what you want in life. Me too. I know that I want to figure it out, and I know you do too. If there was some way to do it together – much more effectively than we've done it so far, I would love to give it a try. I could give you a list of things that I'm frustrated with about me, about the way my life is turning out. I don't feel like I know who I am. I don't feel like an individual. And as much as I want that all to change, I want you holding my hand while I figure it out. I don't want to be attached at the hip – by the hand is fine. Just to know that you're there. Third, I want to support you in whatever way you need to be supported. If that is completely backing off and stepping out of your life, then that is what I have to do. But if I can be in your life, in whatever form, either just to be a warm body to come home to at whatever time it is you come home or a phone call away, I can do that too. The truth is, I'm going to miss you. This is very hard for me to come to terms with. Every night, as I lay in your arms, as much as I'm comforted, part of me is counting the days left that I can experience this joy. I think about it and think about it, and the one thing that I'm going to miss the most is falling asleep next to you. Everything else is okay, I can be alone. I can live apart. I can take care of myself. I just want to be able to curl up next to you at night and know that everything will be okay. When I'm wrapped in your arms, it seems like everything is right in the world. No matter what. And I'm going to miss that. It hurts the most to have that taken away. It's not about you wanting to work two jobs, or get involved with music or with film. It's not about going to bed at the same time or calling during lunch. It's not about your space vs. our time together and apart. It's not about going out with the guys. None of that matters. Because I trust you and I care about you. And I want to see you happy. I want you to be happy. And I know that I've placed importance on things that don't matter (such as the list of things I've just mentioned). Because what really matters is your happiness – and mine. And when you asked the other day what that means to me, it's curling up next to you in bed and hearing you say "I love you." That's what makes me happy. Above all the fights, the tears, the yelling, I know that I love you. Above the tension, the rough times, the phone calls, I know that I want you to be happy. And if there was some way to make that happen, I would like to try it. We know how we work and what we can deal with. And I know that I need more space to figure out who I am. I just don't want to let you out of that space. I want to hold your hand, and I want you to be holding mine.

For what it's worth, I'm here with you guys. The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. It's such a downward spiral and I just want it to stop. I just want to change his mind, change his decision, because that's all that would make me happy at this point. I don't know how to start to think for myself because for so long, I've based my happiness on him. How do you let go? How do you just say goodbye to years of emotion, happiness, joy? If anyone knows, please let me know. If not, to those that are in the same depressed boat, please feel free to PM me, I understand.

Yes you can feel love again, even better than the first time, because you're older, wiser, and more cautious now. I fell in love for the first time when I was only 18, and I thought it was it. It was everything you read about, sparks, magic, all of it. We dated for almost two years and he broke my heart. During the time I was healing, I didn't think I could ever love again. He was the one, he was my everything and I could never find that again. I did. It took time, it took a lot of pain and healing, but once I realized how strong I was as an individual, I was a much better, healthier person with a much wiser outlook on my relationships. I met someone else and although that relationship recently failed (why I'm here ) I know I'll be okay. You can love again. It can be just as good or better. And yes, you will compare the new person to your ex at first. But once you get past that, you can love them for who they are, a wonderful individual capable of giving you love.

That is such a sweet letter. You sound like such an amazing and caring person. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time now, but know that you can love again and whoever receives that love will be very lucky. Keep your head up.

I am the same way too - I need a lot of reassurance and contact to feel secure in a relationship. And with my bf, we had to do a semi-long distance thing and it was awful. The best compromise we could come up with was seeing each other on the weekends and then talking every night at 9, and if possible meeting for dinner during the week, but it was hard. It took many many many conversations to get someone who had been so indepenent, craved his independence, to understand that I'm not that way. The best suggestion I have is to explain to him that this is something you need. As a person, in an exclusive relationship, you need to feel secure with the relationship, and the way you can feel secure is by physical contact. You don't need to validate yourself for this need, it is already there, and probably won't ever change. In your conversation, ask him what he needs as well. Obviously he doesn't need to see you as often as you need to see him, but maybe there are other things. Does he need Thursday night to go out with the guys? Does he need Monday night to stay late at work? I'm just guessing, but base your talk around needs - and maybe it will give him some insight to how you think. It doesn't sound like he's disregarding you, rather that he's not understanding you. Oh and to the above responder with the anger thing - been there done that too. "Men are from mars, women are from venus" was a great book which gave great insight to understanding male/female relationships.

I just wanted to let you know that you have my support and that I can understand what you're going through as well. My BF of 2+ years just decided he wants his space. I haven't been able to do it myself yet, but I know that the best thing that i can do is give it to him. males and females reach a point when they want to know what else is out there, either their current situation isn't exciting, maybe they are watching a close friend get into a new relationship and are relishing in their excitement (wow, look at how my friend is being romanced, I want that too) or they just feel frustrated with their life in general. Let her have the time she needs. Give her the two weeks and then re-evaluate. Tell her you want to try to give her the romance and the fun that she's looking for. Maybe it will be good enough - and brace yourself that it won't. I've seen it go both ways - where the relationship just needed a little kick in the pants to get both parties from being complacent - and also where one person realized that her needs were just too different and the guy she was with just couldn't fill them. Figure out what she wants and needs. More importantly, figure out what you want and need. You're a large part of the picture, and I can understand because I've spent the past week trying to figure out what it was that I could have done so my BF wouldn't have to leave. And I've come up empty. Because there isn't anything. And that's the hardest thing you have to realize. Please PM me if you want. Hope I helped.

i sent you an email ((((hugs)))) from someone who understands completely.

Did you tell him about your job situation and why sometimes you were grumpy? Yes, and he has been incredibly understanding. It is my fault. I haven't gotten another job (because as much as I hate this one, it pays really well). And that's my biggest regret. Will it have made things better? Yeah. Will the outcome have been different? I doubt it, to be honest. I do believe that he is honestly feeling a lot of pressure and is scared. He puts a lot of (unnecessary) pressure on himself in the relationship. He admits it. And he needs to not have that to be himself, I guess. It is hard. It really is. And thank you for all the support. I've been here before and I know that I came out of it stronger, and I know that can, and will happen again. I also know that if he and I were to meet down the road, we will be much better off because of this. For now, I'm starting to look at me. Get back in touch with someone who I don't know anymore. I'm figuring out who I am and what I want. Which, given the situation, is the best and healthiest thing I can do. I have a job interview on Tuesday which might be promising and I am looking into going back to school to get certified to be a teacher. I'm not sure I would have done that knowing Mike was in the picture. And for that, I'm proud of myself. (Scared as all heck and still really upset and sad, but trying not to dwell in my own self pity.) This is for the best, this is for the best. And I will be okay.

Good luck! Based on personal experience, I would shy away from forcing commitment in any sense (getting engaged, moving in together, etc) because if he feels forced into it, down the road he's going to resent you for it. He could be feeling pressured by you to make a commitement right now and that's why he's agreeing and his actions are saying otherwise. He doesn't want to lose you, but he's not ready to make that kind of commitment. Give him time. Back away from pressing about marriage and engagement. He's there for you, and if it's meant to be, he has to realize it on his own, not with you pushing him. Good luck.

To everyone who contributed to this thread - thank you. Thank you for sharing your stories, your strength, your courage, your support. You are truly a wonderful group of people who don't deserve the pain that you've been dealt with. I'm so glad that I found you, a group that understands exactly what I'm going through. I have a post on the breaking up board, but my story is the same - I'm with the love of my life, the man I thought I'd be with forever. We've been together over two years and are currently living together. Yesterday he decided he needs space. He needs to live on his own and figure out what he wants to do with his life before he can make a commitment to me. So I let him go. And it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I miss him, I love him, and I want nothing more than him to come back and tell me that he loves me in the same way that I love him. I found a connection with him, an understanding, a level of emotional connecting that I've been searching for and hadn't found until him. And now he's gone. He still wants to stay friends, possibly even continue to date while he goes off and figures things out. But I don't know how to do that. So I'm here... glad to have found others that know the pain of having your heart stepped on and crushed. thanks

Update Well I was right, for what it's worth. He's leaving. Last night was hard... it really was. I just don't understand. He thinks that we could spend the rest of our lives together - but he needs to live alone, be alone, be out there focused on himself - first. GUYS? Does this make sense? Can you translate that to girl-speak? I may be naive but I do believe him. He's a wonderful, great, honest, caring, sincere guy. He's never lied to me and he was very honest with me last night. I was good, I was calm, and said that I understood and that I could let him go do his thing. But I don't want to be his safety net. Help?!