SF_mike

hey there bubba... I also haven't posted in a long time here...you may remember my misc posts last year....I remember reading yours....I'm kinda in the same boat....Next month is the one year anniversary when I got dumped (from someone I dreamed of marrying etc...) Nothing but ups/downs for me since then.....I also begged, pleaded when it first happened......I wonder if I had acted differently if that strategy could have saved it....probably not....no contact for me since Jan (6 months)....It still is harder than hell sometimes....The worst thing I've gone through in my 37 yrs....Seems especially hard lately.....I've gone on misc dates etc....over the last couple of months but still find myself shedding tears now & then for the ex.....I still think about her everyday and in all honesty wish for some magical phone call from her telling me she made a huge mistake etc... But I also know it probably ain't coming. I'm definitely doing better at this point in time and have made amazing progress etc....but it still stings me when I really start thinking of it. Hang in there....I know how you feel. Mike

hi everyone, I haven't been here in quite some time or posted anything...My story is kinda similiar to the ones in this thread (check my profile for the novels I posted here late last year). It's been 7 months for me since I was left and about 2+ months of absolutely no contact. I also think about her first thing in the morning and last thing at night (and ___ times in between) I'm doing much better etc...and have been on a couple of dates & such but still feel just shellshocked at times...I still ask myself "what in the world happened?" How can people's feelings simply change when such a connection previously existed? I guess what I've learned is that we can never truly know what in the world is going on in our ex's heads (I hate using the ex term as well). Do the feelings of loss, rejection, hurt ever go away? Doesn't seem like it to me....but they do lessen and at least I can control them better. Just try and do your best & focus on taking care of yourselves. Take care. Mike

hi bdub, Nice to hear you're doing ok...We're about at the same spot as far as time goes (my ex broke up with me in late August as well) but I know our situations are different in terms of how things went down. I think if you truly want to restore the friendship (and absolutely nothing else) you oughta drop her a line and just say hi (although that might seem strange considering what happened.... i.e. no contact at the bar even though you both knew the other was there). Put the ball in her court and see what happens....If she blows you off at least you'll have answered any questions you may have internally about having only a friendship with her. I'd hate to think she'd hold a grudge considering what you two have been through during your time together. I'm currently on my longest stretch of no contact at all (1 month plus)....and for myself it needs to be this way. I'm in a place where I know I cannot be just a 'friend' to my ex.....regardless of how much I miss those aspects of our connection. I know I couldn't be satisifed in just that role....I don't think I've moved on yet and my feelings (buried way down there) would resurface if I attempted this....and I must assume she's moved on...I wish her the best but I certainly don't want to know if she's seeing someone else etc....I'm taking care of myself at this point. I've felt like I'm in a weird spot lately....I expect her to contact me again anytime now (just have a feeling) and I need to basically tell her that I cannot have her in my life anymore at this point in time. Sorry to start rambling on about myself again.... Good luck if you decide to break the ice and I hope you can make peace with her if you truly desire it. Mike

hey Luv_Suks, Hope you're doing well...Frankly, I don't really know how you should respond to this recent contact from her. When I first started posting here months ago we were both in a horrible place. I know you worked so hard to strive forward (quitting your job, taking this trip, reflecting, etc) Your return post in Jan seemed so positive and you sounded like a new person full of perspective....I'd hate to see her get under your skin again and have things not work out. I guess take things slow and follow your head/heart and keep the dialogue open if you can deal with it. At this point in your healing would you want to explore 'trying again' with her? It's seems extra tough because of the distance involved...Someone needs to move in order to give it a shot and that's a big step (especially after this huge break). I'm sure your head is probably going in a million directions having to deal with this curveball when you're worked so hard on healing yourself and facing the fact that this was seemingly over. I know I'd be confused in the same situation. I haven't seen my ex since mid December and our last email exchange was a month ago. I'm at the point where I have to let her go completely. Next time she contacts me (and I'm dreading this) I have to finally tell her that while I do love her & care for her etc...I simply can't exist as her friend because deep down I still have feelings for her. I think if I try to maintain any sort of contact with her I'll always be hoping for another chance...and I can't do that to myself...I'd be placing myself in limbo for lord knows how long... If however she suddenly wanted me back...well...????....I honestly don't know. I've purposely tried to not imagine that scenario (only seems to upset me)...My philosophy would be to cross that bridge if/when it happened....and believe me I'm not counting on it. I would proceed with caution and trust your instincts...Just remember that you're dealing from a position of strength now. Don't cave in and ruin all that you went through to get to this better place. -Mike

Hang in there Kungfumaster... Time is your best friend right now. Don't put pressure on yourself to magically heal over night. You need time to heal...Focus on #1 (you) and do things that make you feel good. I know...easier said than done. It's been 5 months for me now...and for the first 4 months I convinced myself she'd come back somehow for another try. I still have setbacks from time to time but I know I'm a zillion times better than back in Oct when I found this board. There are a lot of great people here so read & post when you're feeling down...It definitely helped me. Do your best to keep the no contact thing going. I know I didn't even begin to start feeling better until I did this and began accepting my loss. Bubbamackdaddy69, sorry to hear about the e-card thing...I'm sure that hurt (even after 6 months). I can't imagine your ex jumping into something 2 weeks after breaking up with you. My experience was hard enough and I'd hate to deal with that aspect as well...I'd rather not know what my ex is doing. I'd love to be friends with her someday but can even comprehend that because of feelings that I still have deep down. Anyways, hope everyone is doing ok. Mike

hi sbojo32, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Is this completely out of the blue or were there problems earlier that are just rising to the surface now? I wish I had some perfect advice to give you but I don't. I agree that you should talk with him in private (and not go out to dinner to discuss) and try to figure out what the issues are and if you both want to work on them. I know how you're feeling...I didn't live with my ex but remember the feelings of anxiety, disbelief, denial etc...when she told me she needed space, time to think, and so on. Just do your best to try and be strong...& talk to family & friends for support. If things go south and he does move out, take that time to grieve and think about what you want and what you deserve. Everyone here swears by 'no contact' (harder than hell) but it's the way to go...I wish I would have followed it more closely in the beginning when my relationship derailed. It is difficult and it does help. Hang in there. Mike

hey kungfumaster, Sorry to hear about your breakup...Getting the silent treatment is really cold after 2+ years together and I'm sure you're looking for answers. Giving someone the blowoff like this sounds like something that might happen after a couple of dates but not a way to behave in LTR. Did communication problems exist prior to you moving? Anyways, take care and keep posting. There are a lot of great people here in the same boat anxious to try and help you out. -Mike

Hey Luv_Suks, Great to hear from you again! I was re-reading this thread a week or so ago and was wondering how your trip was going. So glad to hear that it was everything you were hoping for. Too bad it couldn't have come under better circumstances but it sounds like it was the thing for you to do at this time in your life. I personally think it will definitely be her loss and some other (lucky) womans gain cuz you seem like such a decent guy. Maybe she'll truly realise it some day, maybe she won't, either way your life seems back on track and we've all got to learn to move forward - something I've finally found the strength and courage to do. Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. It's just about 5 months now since the initial breakup for me. I know I've come a million miles since my first post here and even though I know I'm not out of the woods completely yet...I've accepted what has happened. I've stopped asking myself all the same questions over & over and making myself miserable. I think I turned the corner a couple of weeks ago with that last cold slap of reality and despite a couple of small setbacks from time to time, I must say there are more ups than downs for me now. It must now be 3-4 months with zero contact from me...I've managed to resist the temptation of replying. I've had long stretches but nothing like this....Good for you! She dropped off my final few things last week (while I was away at work... per my request) and it's strange as that could be the last contact...as I won't be contacting her. I'm kinda where you are now in a way....working on forgiveness...and also not sure if/when I could ever be just a friend again considering the deep feelings still involved (but under control)...I'm also not forcing myself to make that call right now...just working on healing myself and putting no pressure on me to suddenly turn into a 'Superfriend' over night. Maybe it'll never happen. I guess we'll see. i know that at least i could contemplate on having those intense feelings of actual true love again on a much more permanent basis for another..one day.. That's good to hear...especially for folks like us dealing with this stage of healing...We get so wrapped up believing our ex's were the only ones for us....blah blah blah....I miss the amazing feelings associated with being in love & I know that I want to experience that again. Glad again that you're back and thanks for that uplifting post. Mike

hi jujubox, I'd also take it slow...keep doing no contact and don't get your hopes up. My ex and I got together approx 2 months after she broke up with me...just a friendly couple of beers, catch up session....we got along great still, talked, hugged and even kissed goodbye...I left the meeting feeling like we had turned the corner and perhaps a 2nd chance was coming?? At that point I think I was still in denial...thinking it'd all blow over....When I emailed her the next day about our meeting she said her feelings hadn't changed regarding her decision...she just wasn't ready to jump back into the relationship. I think that's when I started to grasp reality...and start really hurting (and healing). We met another couple of times prior to Xmas (exchanging stuff etc...) and I think each time I hoped deep down it'd be different and she'd have a revelation. I think I've pretty much given up on false hope as of last week (nearly 5 months later). I'm just saying that I thought I read the 'signs' that she'd come back but I was probably forcing myself to see the scenario I created in my head. Sorry to be so long winded.....I say continue no contact....put yourself #1....try not to hold onto false hope as it could knock you back later. If she has the change of heart she'll contact you and you can cross that bridge then. Good luck! Mike

hi kynard, Seems like he has a lot of issues to sort out...and you've seemingly done all you can to make this work by bending over backwards. As frustrating and hurtful as it is you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes when things are going bad people say/do things they don't really mean...you wouldn't have been off/on for 3+ years if he never had feelings for you in the first place...I'm sure you could see right through that if it was the case. It's so easy to say 'practice no contact' but it does eventually help you to heal...and you need to put yourself at the top of the list. Hang in there. Mike

Hi again...hope everyone is doing ok. I've had a real down day and find myself venting here again... Anyways, she called me last week...we hadn't spoken in a month or so...I'd been a 'poster boy' for no contact. It was her first day back from Xmas vacation & she got laid off upon returning to work. Not a great way to start off the new year. We spoke for 5 min or so and to be honest it felt very friendly. I still miss her & think about her but I was finally strong for a change on the phone...someone who cared about her that she could turn to when she needed to talk. I just listened and didn't talk about us, or ask her personal questions...just was 'there' for her. I just find it hard to turn my back on someone I once loved so much & who I had this amazing connection with. Anyhow, we traded a few emails back/forth in the days that followed...just small talk...catching up...Deep down in my heart I think I will always love her, continue to question what happened and wish for a miracle re-connection with her. I've noticed a lot of people on this board often have these lingering feelings that don't seem to vanish. But... My head tells me otherwise and my nose has been to the grindstone (making myself #1 and taking care of me). I've more/less accepted this loss and I'm in a better place than I was a couple months ago. To make a long story short I was surfing a local personals site for shits/grins during lunchtime at work today and saw a post from her looking to meet someone new. It's just a sill text site (no pics are posted) that's real popular here in the Bay Area. The post referenced a song we liked and within 2 seconds of reading it I knew it was her. Needless to say I've been crushed all day. All the feelings I've seemingly buried seem to be back in full force tonight. Reading it brought back so many memories of what I previously had in my life and what I've lost...just such a crushing blow to my ego and all the "WHY?" questions I had regarding our breakup and swirling in my head again. Probably against my better judgement & before I could mellow out I sent her a quick note about seeing it...the note was sincere and nothing crazy on my part. Just letting her know I saw it and that it stirred up some feelings in me. Frankly what she does now really isn't my business anymore...this seems like the equivalent of running into your ex with someone 'new' (something I also dread). Just feeling blue tonight but I know I'll bounce back quicker than normal. Setbacks still seem to happen but I find myself feeling better sooner than before. Maybe this is the disguised 'kick in the ass' that I need to make me desire meeting someone new again. Enough ranting for tonight. Goodnight & take care. Mike

hi disEnchantid, Sorry to hear you're down...definitely know how you feel. I'm at 4+ months since she broke up with me and still have ups/downs and often feel sad (my 'novel' is well documented on this forum). The posts from everyone here have helped me so much. Don't try and put a time limit on your feelings. Take it day by day and you'll slowly start feeling less pain. You often have periods where you feel like things are going backwards. I've had a 'rock bottom-ish' day and find myself here again too. Hang tough. Mike

hi luxe & disEnchantid, Thanks for sharing your stories...They're all starting to sound so familiar in certain aspects that it's kinda eerie...Seems like so many of us are dealing with pretty much the same thing....a change of heart by our partners. Sometimes the reasons they give us are clear & sometimes they don't make sense...and then there are quite a few people here who never got any sort of answers or closure from their ex. Wish it was easier for everyone. -Mike

Good luck Rooster. Sounds like a difficult situation especially with the living situation. At least she shows signs of wanting to get back together in the future. Hope you two can somehow work through this. grieving, you make some really great points. So many things seem uncertain to me (the circumstances of what happened & potential outcomes). Believe me I hate no contact and I know that my ex misses me and numerous aspects of our relationship...because we "get" each other so well...This was the first time in my life I'd made such a connection with someone, and I miss so many things about her and the bazillion things we shared. I think I was in denial for a long time (assumed it would blow over) and tried minimal contact early on...I just found I couldn't do it because I wasn't feeling better and was actually feeling worse & worse. I'm not mad at her for doing what she did (following her instincts), just disappointed...and even though I got some sort of closure last month I'm still confused and second guessing myself & her reasons. I guess all we can do is take care of ourselves, get better somehow and try to learn from our experiences. Take care. -Mike

Thanks bdub/Cougar for the always welcome advice. I'm definitely a lot better than I was a couple months ago and have been on the 'healing highway' for weeks now. I knew the holidays would be tough but they de-railed me more than I had imagined. I find when I dwell upon her and play things over & over in my head I end up making myself upset...feeling like I did when it first happened. Wondering how she could have a change of heart like that, and how will I ever find anything close to her again, feeling like everything has been shattered, etc...I really worked myself up the other night. I had a fun night out with some friends at the bar, got home late and was just suddenly overcome with the feelings of disappointment/loss/lonliness again. I know I just need to keep my head down and continue to plow through it. Hope you're feeling better Cougar...the return of his ad on the on-line dating page after 1 day must have been a horrible blow but hopefully it'll end up helping you to realize that he's not the guy for you. Take care. -Mike