houdini

Well if responding to an email in a neutral way without expecting a response qualifies as breaking NC...Then I'm in the same boat as you WS!!!!!! My ex emailed me today to say thank you for sending my son money and her 2daughters some money for a toy or movies. She emailed a short thank you and how it means alot to her that I'm kind to our son and her daughters and that she wanted me to know that "she appreciates me"...I emailed her back saying you're welcome and to let the kids know that miss them... (short and sweet). Do I get a pass since the technicalities of our breakup prevent us from going full NC????? LOL....I was on 15days today, I can't just ignore her when it comes to my son and I have not contacted her at all during the 15days but kept contact with her mother who babysits our son..... Cross your fingers WS, hopefully we get a break from our friends her at ENA.... Houdini

I just read your post and you have 10yrs with your mate. You were the one who broke up with him meaning you did not want him anymore and thereforeeee sending him on his way rejected by someone he loved. As man myself and in the same situation as him, it is a tough feeling to deal with and we upset,angry,bitter,hurt,depressed (just to name a few). Why would it be his responsibility to contact YOU if you were the one to end things with him? He has respected your wishes to end things and is living his life I assume. I understand you want a man who has the balls to speak to me, he's had all this time (if he loves and misses me so much) to pick up a phone or better still knock on my door and tell me that in person But what gives him that right after you clearly stated you do not want him anymore. I do not agree with his way of handling the email situation and I sympathize with you on how rude he was to you. If he did love you like he said he did, he'd put aside his anger and would have sent a more pleseant email to you. I hope this response does not come off rude but I was just wondering how a dumper would expect the dumpee to be contacting them after a breakup. I feel this is probably the same way my ex is thinking right now because of how stubborn and hard headed she is. I hope your ex matures enough to talk to you in a civil and loving way if he indeed truly loves you... Best wishes! Houdini

Devast, I bet your ex is exactly like my ex and this is what I fear too. In my past with my ex we've stopped talking for a day or two but it was always me that would initiate the contact again, apologize etc even if it weren't my fault. My ex is stubborn and full of pride and would rather cut her right arm off rather than apologize or admit she was wrong. This is what fears me also because I'm on my 13thday of NC and I'm afraid that we might be playing the "Who's gonna contact who first game"..I'm in NC for myself and she would be in NC for pride....What to do!!!!!

Hello, I've been reading the book by Blase Harris "How to get your lover back" It suggest in some instances to go against the preffered method of NC and self healing. The method Blase Harris speaks of is "loving your lover back,100%" which in some cases means contacting the ex with small well timed gestures (Cards, a flower, significant gifts that only she or he woud know the meaning) This is all a bit confusing, I know NC is meant to heal ourselves,to move on and to give our ex's exactly what they asked for. The book is centered arround a dumpee that had done wrong (Neglected, fear of intimacy,rejected etc their partner) Which has been my case (Atleast this is what she told me her reasons for breaking up were). Is it possible to love your lover back? or is NC the only way to go for our own personal healing and to help our ex's see what they're missing or losing.... PS. Any comments about the book and success stories please let me know. Thanks, Houdini

Day 12, Started off ok then as the days kept adding up it seems to get a bit difficult to handle. It's mind boggling how someone you love and said they loved you back, have a child with and spent the last 5yrs in a relationship can lose everything they felt for you and treat you as if you do not exist....Still can't figure it out and I wish I knew... Again, Day 12, I wonder how I will feel on day 30...Hopefully better than today!!!! Houdini

Day 11 for me.....I thought it was suppose to get easier!!!!!...LOL..well atleast for this second I can laugh a bit before reality sets in again and rushes in the tears and depression. Why the rollercoaster???? I still miss her, still love her and still wish we could get back together.... I'm ready to get off this rollercoaster though...it's making me sick!!!!....

Great post, one question or comment though.... I can relate to the comment: ("we keep beating ourselves up and attempting to fit a square peg into a round hole. We are going against the grain") But how do you get past the fact that the reasons it wasn't a good fit was because of our own personal issues,problems and hang ups that prevented us from being who we truly are or can be? Everyone has faults and sometimes it's hard to let go of the one you love especially if you know that we both had our problems that if we had taken the time to fix them we could have had something special....thats why it's so hard for me to let go... Now back to the comment of the "Square Peg/Round Hole" If we aren't happy with ourselves, change our faults,personal problems,become a better person and we're the "square peg" any relationship in the future is going to be a "Round Hole" no matter who we meet, perfect or not because we're still the same person. So.....Why not spend the time and effort to change who we are and make the relationship work with the one we know we loved especially if there are children involved. I think a person has to be honest with themselves, truly honest with themselves and ask if there was anything they could have done different to possibly turn that "round hole" into a "square hole" and make a perfect fit... anything is possible if you try!!!! Mario aka Houdini

My heart and prayers go out to you Hootz.. Hang in there man, I know it's tough and I wish there were more people like us that understood how important it is to keep a family together (I'm dieing without my son!!!) and not be so quick to throw in the towel. Your wife is atleast willing to seek help with you so that's a good sign, hang in there and don't be pushy and take it slow. May god bless you and your family and may he give you and your family the strength to get through this troubled time in your lives. Mario aka "Houdini"

But what if you have a narcasisstic ex girlfriend that expects you to do everything for them and they do nothing???? Does that mean you go against their wishes of "Wanting to be alone right now" and make effort to get back together with them or does this not matter and as you all have said "If they want you back there will be nothing that will stop them" if this is true and with this type of prideful,stubborn,hard headed woman as my ex...what is a man to do in my situation!!!!..

Day 9 of NC and uncontrollably shaken by the pain in my heart and the urge to call,write or text message her asking her why!!!!!! Today is one of the difficult days and I'm trying to be strong but it's just to much to handle right now.... Thoughts of her with someone else, the clues, the signs, the idea of her loving another is gut wrenching to say the least... how can someone we loved so much turn their back on us so easily....is the grass greener on the other side?????? I dont know if there is someone else but my gut tells me differrently..and I hope that I'm wrong and that my gut feeling is more out of fear. Why she hasn't called, I don't know? Does she think about me??? Does she miss me??? she hasnt called in over 9 days so I guess that's my answer right??? Day 9 of NC......feels like Year 9 of NC.....

Thanks for the comments.. And to answer answer terk2021, I have written her a letter explaining my regrets, taking responsibility for my actions and making changes on my own to deal with my own personal issues. She has stated to me in our last conversation (so to speak) by a text message that she appreciates that I'm making changes for me and she's doing the same for herself. I do have alot of personal issues, alot of issues that have preveted me from truly opening up to someone even though I love them dearly. I think there is some abandonment issues I deal with along with other issues I'm working through these issues so that I can make the necessary changes. I know no one is perfect and me and my ex have our own issues (insecurities,trust,abandonment issues) that we have to deal with and maybe this needed to happen so that we work on them separately cause we couldnt seem to fix them while together. I guess my biggest fear is that we'll work through this separately and in the end when we're doing much better that we will have grown further apart. I know no one knows the future, and I know that there is a chance she has met or will meet someone else and it kills me inside because I of what I feel for her and the anger I have at myself for letting my personal problems with myself ruin a possible good relationship if I had just got the help I needed. I want to apologize for those who take the time to read my posts because I'm sure it sounds like I'm a ball inside pinball machine where I'm bouncing here and there and probably making no sense at all. I'm confused, heart broken and I do blame myself. I feel that I've lost a good thing with her, my son and a family. My biggest fear is that someone will step in and give her the happiness I wanted to give her and love I wanted to give her but was to screwed up to fight through my problems.... Thanks for listening!!!! Mario

Friscodj, I agree with you and you opinion on my situation. I also want to thank you for taking the time to read my many rambling post and I've gone back and have read some and I do sound confused and desperate. I know emotionally I'm not capable of contributing to a relationship none the less a relationship that needs fixing. I know that it takes time and that I need to work on myself but since I've taken some time I can't help but feel that I'm not doing enough or the rigght thing to better my chances at reconciliation. In her eyes I've done her wrong and I am despewrate to show her that I regret my mistakes and that I am worth giving a second chance....I just want the right plan to make my chances better if she doesn't come back then atleast iknow I did all that I could have done.... Thanks for your help friscodj

Hello everyone!!! I'm on day 8 of NC. I've read post on here and other forums that in some cases NC is not the thing to do in all situations. One that caught me attention is where someone had mentioned that NC is not always good if the one that dumped you gave you reasons that the dumpee neglected them, didnt show them love, felt alone etc which is what my ex told me and i have to say that I agree. I had focused more on my job and my daughters rather than take a break to nurture the long distance relationship with her and our son. They went on to say that if you do NC in this situation in only validates that you're just abandoning them again and dont' care at all.. I did all the post breakup rituals. Begged,cried,professed un dieing love for her, changed, got counseling,church etc...the whole nine yards and I still continue to do so more now for myself than anything. So is NC a good thing in my situation???? she did state to me 8days ago today that "right now she wanted to be alone"....what to do!!!!! Thanks, Mario

Hello everyone.. Day 7 for me and the day started out rough then got a little better but now that the night is creeping in on a rainy day in California...No pictures of my ex arround anymore, no phone calls from my ex anymore, no emails or text messages of I love you anymore....Talk about sadness and depression but there is on thing I can say...."I TRIED TILL THE VERY END" and I'm damn proud of it and she can never say that I gave up..... with that I wanted to post the lyrics of a song "Goodbye Lover" by James Blunt Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine by eternal right. Took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, My heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your head. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I am a dreamer but when I wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me, Remember us and all we used to be I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the father of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine, And I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bear my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Steelergal, Isn't it kind of scary or maybe more discouraging in regards to NPD. I know we're not psychologist and can't diagonose our ex's among alot of other things we'd like to diagonse them with (LOL). But from all the reading of done on the net about NPD it does sound alot like my ex and it sounds like it's a pretty tough disorder to have especially if it involves someone you love. The mindset these people have is basicaly about themsleves being priority #1. So when these people suck the life out of their so called "loved one" and dump us like a piece of trash, to me it seems there is no chance in reconcilation with them because of this disorder. A person that has NPD basically uses people as a stepping stone or should I say a supply to their esteem,ego,well-being and once they're not getting that anymore they're done with us and move on to the next person or thing that gives them that....The sad thing about it is we're are left alone loving them still, wanting them, missing them and feel a great loss. This has to be the icing on the cake when you realize the one that dumped you has NPD. Because basically the relationship was based on deceit not love...... How can we beat NPD and our loved one???? How can we compete or help them realize what they are doing to themselves, to others arround them and to the ones they say they love???? Me and my ex have a soon to be 4yr old son and it drives a stake through my heart to know somewhat of how she feels, what her mindset is and what I was to her....."NOTHING"...... Sorry for the rambling but I had to get this out....

John, Going through the same thing man, Been with my ex for 5yrs. Had plans for her to move here to Ca from Nevada with her 2 daughters and my son. She went literally from one week of "I love you, can't live without you, I'm miserable with you" to "I love you but I'm not in love with you, I lost feelings" to, "Right now I want to be alone" Call it what you will, whether it be because of another man or she's just menatally crossed her wires and is going through a phase right now, who knows!!!! But I feel your pain, she's emotionless,no more phone calls, no text messages,the few times she's emailed me back were cold and exactly like your ex's emails in regards to no "Hello.., Dear... or antyhing"..what has happened to them??? and as you say how can they just walk away and discard us like a piece of trash or a piece of gum that lost it's flavor.... try reading some stuff about NPD (Narcasisstic Personality Disorder)My ex fits this disorder to a T.... This feeling we have and what are ex has done to us is just as bad as walking accross the street to check your mail and the street looks clear, no cars no traffic, beautiful day, life couldnt be anymore perfect and when we think everythings safe and clear and we're walking accross the street...BLAMM!!!!! an 18 wheeler semi truck loaded with tons of metal comes out of no where to smash us like a pancake.... (I know, sorry analogy but thats what it feels like for me..LOL) I'm on my 6th day of NC. Some days are tough some are bad but the good thing is that I don't have to see her or worry about running into her cause we live 500 miles apart. The bad part about it is that we do have a son together and the thought of being a good father to my son is near impossible because of the distance... It's been 5 weeks since we've broken up and I did all the wrong things that Superdave said not to do but since then I've cleaned up my act, slowly but surel with the help of all of you I'm getting my dignity back (although it hasn't been easy). But I compare to how I was the first week to now (5th week) and there is a difference and it is getting better you just have to have faith that it will and read! read! read!,post! post!post!..I thank god that he helped me find this site because the people here are awesome....I've made a vow to myself and I hope others do that when we get past this pain and find happiness again that we continue to come back here to help others as they have helped us. Take care!

I would think that being the dumper would be easier in a sense that they have gone through the process of grieving way before they actually break up with the other person. Many times the dumper will go through a breakup preparation process. I will us the analogy of closing the door to each floor of a 100 floor building, starting from the top working their way down to the last floor and at the same time going through the grieving process. During this time the soon-to-be dumpee has no idea that the soon-to-be dumper is working their way down through each floor. The dumper is closing the door to each floor until they've closed the door to the last floor and walk out instantly blindsiding the dumpee with the breakup leaving the dumpee in complete devistation. The dumper closes the last door and us dumpees race to grab them and pull them back in the building acting in a panic state (Crying,begging,professing undieing love,changes and regrets) So to me I'm not sure if I agree with the other posts that the dumper goes through what us dumpees go through for the mere fact that a dumper has prepared themselves for the end and have grieved whereas the dumpee had no time to prepare and is instantly struck with grief. If anything the dumper only has to live with some regret of the failed relationship and also has to live with the idea if they did the right thing or not. Just my two cents!!! Houdini

Day 5 of NC. Started on Febuary 18th which is exactly a month since I've heard the dreaded words (I want to break up, I want to be alone) I know NC if for self healing and to move on and there are moments when I'm filled with joy and avoid thinking about her, what she is doing, if she is happy or who she is with. Then there are those moments when I do think of those moments and it' as if I'm carrying the weight of the world on my heart and I want to give in and call,text or email her.... (SuperDave71, grab your holster with the rolls of duct tape, I'm trying hard not to contact her) The days seem like months and this week seems like a year. When is it going to end, when will this pain subside and I can go through a complete day without feeling as if I've been drained of all self worth by someone I thought loved me. Wish I knew what goes on in the mind of a dumper or in my case the mind of my ex-girlfriend. I wonder if there are any statistics of successful dumpers compared to unsuccessful dumpers. I guess I would like to know how many of the dumpers go on with their lives and are glad they dumped the dumpee...

Hello, After reading this post and the descriptions of the ex's involved I feel that my ex has alot of these same issues as well. My ex-gf is an anger addict, controller, and BPD with Narcissistic tendencies. She is always right. She gets off on me being wrong and her being victimized by me. It is usually the other way around. I got my hopes up because she apologized to me last week for the first time. Now she is demonizing me because she wants to hurt me This fits my ex girlfriend to the tee!!! I always felt I could never do right in her eyes, as she always felt she was the victim not only with me but anyone that was close to her, it was all about her and her feelings and no one elses feelings. She constantly played the victim and the one being attacked. She wanted to be in control and always blamed me and still blames me for everything that has went wrong in our relationship and portrays the victim. She has only said she was sorry or was wrong less than a half a dozen times in our relationship and I've always taken blame for what went wrong. She finally ended it with me 5weeks ago and I'm on my 4th day of NC. Makes me wonder why I want to be with her so much and miss and love her...cause it sure doesnt seem like there are to many good reasons to be with her..... try walking on eggshells for 5yrs and trying to do right but always doing wrong then getting dumped and getting blamed for the failure of the relationship. Dont get me wrong I made my share of mistakes but I never gave up, recognized my problems, worked on them and did my best to fix them all the while trying to make her happy or trying to get close to her only to be pushed away with her negativity...oh by the way, she's a successful, educated woman with 3kids 2 different fathers (I'm one of the fathers) and is a completely negative person....

Anyone know where to buy the memory-eraser from "Men In Black" movie? I could sure use one right now....call me silly or whatever but right now i'd rather forget than to remember, remembering my ex is as fun as having a root canal.....I'd much rather have the root canal!!!!!!

I'm jumping on the band wagon here in hopes that I can get some encouragment and support to continue with NC. It's day 4 of NC after 2 other failed attempts of NC in which my longest streak of NC was 5 days. I think as the days add up the harder it gets it seems and the biggest thought that goes through our minds are "Do they think about us as much as we are thinking about them", "Do they hurt or miss us as much as we hurt and miss them"...We all hope they feel a little of what we're feeling and it's heart wrenching and confusing to understand how someone you believed loved you so much could walk the other way and leave us wondering how they could drain us out of thier hearts and minds and be happy with that decision.....Again, day 4 of NC, 3rd attempt, weekend is coming up and I hope I don't fall flat on my face again..... I miss her and love her and I'm hoping she feels the same and that she gets through this confusing time in her life.....

I ordered the book "the secret" today and will watch the movie online tonight. Seems like the bookstores can not keep this book in stock so there is something special about LOA and I know it's not a cure-all book to save us from depression or how to get our ex-back (I agree with you Mavis, it's not a game to win the big prize) anyhow, If there are tools that can help us broken hearted people get out of the rutt some of us are in (like me) I'll sure as heck give it a try and if it helps shine a different light on our ex that we're not that needy, possessive, depressed, sad and angry person we once were then more power to us if we can accomplish the goal of becoming the exact opposite of those bad characteristics that more than likely make our ex want to run the other way. I know that LOA is not some magic spell but from what I've read so far it sounds as if it's a way of thinking, positive thinking. Who wants negativity in their lives..obviously our ex's don't so why not be positive in our thinking and in our lives and radiate the positive vibes so that our ex's and other potential loves can be attracted to us and we can decides what is best for our lives when the options start coming our way..... Just my two cents.. not sure if it makes sense but I just had to write something....to avoid the negativity of my situation and heartbreak....

If you're using LOA as form to better yourself and your thinking to get out of the negative, depression state of being a dumpee how can you send out these positive vibes and attitude to your ex who has such negative thoughts about you??? My ex thinks negative about me and in life in general. I know LOA is not a means of getting your ex back but how can we use this so that they think of us in a different light other than negative thoughts....

Vimora, Thank you for the advice I appreciate it. Did you post the details of your breakup on the forum? Why did you break up with your boyfriend?

Hello, Just wanted to vent on my 5yr relationship with now ex-gf. 3 of those years has been a long distance relationship 2 of the years we lived together but I had to move back to Ca. for my daughters from a previous marriage, she also has two daughters from a previous marriage.(she lives in Las Vegas I live in California) We managed to maintian the relationship as best as possible for the sake of our son that we have together which he'll soon be 4yrs old in april..so those of you that can do the math yes we got pregnant shortly after we met. Anyhow, the past 2yrs have been the long distance relationship and really had no choice because we were settled in our careers, school,family and children but kept it together as much as possible for our son. Well she dropped a bomb on me that she wanted to be alone, there is no one else she just has alot going on with her new position at work, school and the kids. she lives with her parents 34yrs old and I feel she is comfortable and secure right now in her life and felt it was to big of a risk for her to move which I can totally understand but why lead me on for the past 2yrs that she was going to move (phone conversations and a ton of emails to backup this claim). This ripped my world apart as I was left with empty hopes, dreams and no future to raise my son together with her. Her 2 daughters from her previous marriage do not have a father and she basically took that away from my son because it is close to impossible to have a healthy relationship with him when I live 6hours away. What goes through a woman's mind in this case, is she that stubborn and hard headed to think that it's ok to dump both fathers and be happy knowing that she'll be the only parent? We had our issues and she constantly blames me for the failure in our relationships. The last message I got from her was on monday and it said "I got tired of hoping and waiting for your love and I got tired of feeling, Right now I want to be alone" This is very unusual for me because just a little over a month ago (2 weeks prior to breaking up with me) she said she was ready to move, she couldnt live without me and is miserable without me.... So this has totally messed me up emotionally and psychologically...This past saturday when we talked she said she had to much going for her there where she lives, her job and the possible doors it will open for her and school, plus her kids are established. I feel she didnt even give me the opportunity or option to move back to Las Vegas, she basically cut me out of her life....to be alone. Anyhow, I guess my question or advice I need is how to let go!!! I'm hurt, bitter and getting angry and it's consumed my life because she basically raped my life of any hope and future of having a normal family with my son. I have numerous thoughts of wanting her to regret her decision and I know that I have to let that go but I'm hurt, hurt badly by what she's done. Some may think it's not selfish on her part but to me it is. Not only has she deprived me of a future with her and our family but our 4 daughters and our son also. Relationships have problems, love has it's stages from honeymoon stages then you work to maintian that relationship and twice she's chosen the easy way out with her ex-husband and now me and the ones that pay are the kids. She'll eventually love again but who does that benefit??? The kids will wonder where their dad is or why their mother didnt try harder to make it work with their dad. I know I'm rambling on and on here but I just have to get this off my chest. I've done all the things superdave said not to do in hopes to show her how much I love her and how much I want it to work for us and the kids and it just falls on deaf ears. I just want one last hoorah!!! to say to her or make her feel... "This is your loss" because how dare she make decisions so easily and have total disregard for all of us involved. If it were just me and her and no kids I can accept it and it would be alot easier but there are 5 little helpless lives involved and she should have given it a better shot than she did...but then again in her eyes she did just that.....So how do I let go, when I hold so much bitterness, resentment and anger towards he for doing what she did......I can't heal when I feel the way that I do.... Any help or advice or slap in the face would be greatly appreciated. Mario