peaceseeker

I'm not part of the challenge, I am in NC though. S.Ken....you are so right. My ex drives that exact same car and it's a bugger. Every time I see a car like that, I think of him. I don't need anymore triggers to start me thinking. Oh for the day it doesn't mean anything anymore. How can it be that something as mundane as passing a car can make my heart fasten. I hate what an effect he has had on me, or should I be saying, what an effect I let him have on me. ARGHHH

Yeah my ex, went from the most loving gentle guy and overnight became this cold and empty facade......I never caught another gilmpse of the person I thought I had known for years. AT the time alien abducton was high on my list

Never-too-late I haven't answered your thread before but I have been reading what has been going on for you. I'm so sorry for all the pain you must be feeling, I can imagine how frustrating and dreadful it must feel. I know you really love your boyfriend and want to be with him (and maybe that makes it hard to see the situation with objective eyes), but from the outside he doesn't seem to care how bad you are feeling right now. If you try to take a step back and look at what he has said and done......does he sound like some-one who really cares for YOU and not just all the stressful things that are happening in his life. Please, please look out for yourself. It is possible that he feels powerful with the knowledge that you are there for him, no matter how vunerable he makes you feel. From what he said to you, it makes it seem that the problems between you are soley your fault.......that is not the case. I am thinking of you and I hope that things get better for you very soon

Thanks for the replies and advice. Why do I keep checking up on him, even as I am doing it, I think to my self.....what am I trying to discover that will make me feel better. And I guess what I want to find is something along the lines of "I made a mistake", or something to show that he is feeling just a fraction of the pain I have been feeling and third, yes, I would like a reason for why he went. I know these are all really unrealistic things to hope for and I am much more likely to uncover something that will only make my hurt worse, but it's become a bit of an obsession. I was suddenly cut off from some-one I loved dearly, I didn't see it coming and he was unable to tell me why. We were together for three years, he talked about his love for me and our plans for the future until the day he packed his bag and walked out. I realise that there must be reasons, I am trying to accept that I may never find out. And I know I should (but just can't seem to) stop thinking about him and just concentrate on my self (thanks Arwen for reminding me this). I would like to spend more time with friends and doing things, it's just at the moment I have really got to concentrate on passing my upcoming exams....I don't want to deal with failure in that part of my life as well. And another confounding factor is that my ex is sitting the same exams and so the first time I am going to have to face him is on the day (there will only be a handful of people and we will sit morning and afternoon in a small room together) that I really need my brain to be together....I don't know how to face that hurdle. Any ideas??? I'm sorry to hear about your frustration whatsthestory, I can definitely say I empathise. I do see the futility of our negative feelings....they just DO NOT help. But I agree, it's one thing to recognise the need to "let go", it's another story to do it. In answer to your question "where they the one", I am still struggling from my side to accept that my ex wasn't "a one". I don't really believe that there is only "one" out there, but he certainly felt right for me. Unfortunately he did not feel the same way and as they say, it takes two. I am going to try to stop the snooping, you are right Arwen, it's only fueling the torment. As hard as it is to accept, my ex's life is no longer part of mine and I should start living along those lines. It's helped writing these things down, thanks for listening. Maybe I should read the book you suggested radioheader, I have never read a self help book before (maybe that why I am here!!)

It's been three months since the man I loved walked out without warning and it's been a real struggle. I thought I was slowly making progress but for some reason I've gone backward...I can't stop thinking about him, what he's doing, who's he with, how he feels. I know it doesn't help me, but I'm finding it hard to stop the thoughts. The hard lump in my stomach has come back and my eyes sting from all the tears. I am working and studying at the moment and so have to sit by myself trying to force information into my frazzled mind.... it's driving me crazy. When I joined this site I read about people checking their ex's e-mail, I realised I knew his log-in and so I started looking (duh). It kills me inside and I feel like a voyeur every time I look. I want to stop, but in some ways it feels like my last link to him. Even as I write this I know what I have to do....but HOW. Other than the internet snooping, I have not talked to him for 5 weeks. I need to get myself on track Please help

really struggling today, sleep deprived, trying to study, alone at home........can't concentrate. Really sick of thinking of the ex, but can't get him out of my head at the moment. I send an e-hug to anyone else out there whose feeling as lousy as me

Hi Distroyed One, I am no expert at this break-up thing, I am going through my own journey and definitely feeling much pain and sadness. I've done a lot thinking and looking for a way out of what seems like a nightmare, haven't found the miracle cure yet. There are a few conclusions I have come to..... It is up to you. If you choose, you can hold onto all the anger, the pain, the rejection, the jealousy and not suprisingly it will made you feel *very bad*. Or you can "choose" to do everything you can to get over this thing. No-one says this is an easy road to travel, but lets face it...what is the alternative.....be miserable for longer than you have too. It's a hard reality to face, but your ex may have moved on....the separation has happened, it's in the past and keeping going over it, and thinking how much it hurt is only causing "you" more pain. I know, I catch myself doing just that, a lot. You are not a terrible person, it's really hard to lose some-one you love and trust, just look at all the stories here.......and you are definitely not going insane, that is unless we all are. Decide to move forward, make yourself do something that will start that process.....and that's where it all sounds so cliched.... spend time with friends, exercise, find a new interest, talk to a psychologist. I bet you have read these things a million times, and you also know why.....cause these are the things that will start to make you feel better. And isn't that what you want?? This is not just a pep talk for you, it's for me too Good luck Peaceseeker

Hi Danina I too have recently been thought a breakup.....and I know the pain you are describing. I was really surprised how emotional pain could be so physical. Mine lasted about two weeks, I would clutch at my heart/stomach, trying to ease it, but slowly it got better and I could eat again. Sometimes it briefly makes an appearance now, but nowhere near like before. Hang in there, we are all thinking of you

my guess is she is avoiding talking to you, because it's too hard to explain. I think people mostly know the reasons behind a break-up..... but find it impossible to communicate them, which unfortunately increases the aunguish when you are on the otherside. It may be that she is trying not to "hurt you", a common reason, or is "confused" another common one. What ever it is you must decide how much you want her in your life....it does seem to be true that your healing will occur more quickly with distnce Good luck

I don't think it is just "you" or "male pride"....I'm having problems with those things and I want to just let go of it all, but it's not as easy as just recognising that's what has to happen to move forward. If any-one has any good tips for that magical "letting go", they would be very appreciated.

And Ellie I do agree, the time has passed for thinking about "him". I know I need to be concentrating on my life and moving forward. But I think it's really natural and somewhat impossible not to do the "ex fixation" thing for a while, it's a matter of recognising what it is, for what it is (apart from damn frustrating) and having to inner strength to move on to that next stage of healing. Oh, it is so much easier to write these things than it is to do them...

Kate, if there was a fast track option, the inventor would have big bucks. I have wished for that, or just to drop out of "being" until I was healed...but I guess that's the hard part, we just have to go through the process. Your ex may seem like he is able to turn off his emotions (mine certainly seemed just to be able to get on with life), but I don't think he can do that indefinitely.... there will come a time when those inner demons refuse to be repressed anymore. Hopefully our ex's have developed a bit more by then, cause there is only so far you can run, before you realise that it's yourself that you are trying to escape from.

With the hooking up with other girls thing.....people told me that an ex will often need to find some-one to fill the big hole that cutting you off has left. He is probably unable to spend the time working out what went wrong in your relationship, so he's putting off that hard task and keeping himself "occupied". It's the easiest option at the moment, but it doesn't mean it's the best... and if you make sure you heal from the bottom upward than you will be the one to come out ahead. With my ex, I am trying to feel sorry for that next girl, not only is he not properly healed and thereforeeee unable to give, he might do the same to her or even worse and I would wish that on nobody. Peaceseeker

Hi Kate, Sorry you are feeling bad at the moment. I can relate so much to how you are feeling, so I guess that means it's normal. I really do think that these feelings gradually fade. I am now 10 weeks post- break-up, and I am so much better than I was before. Writing imaginary e-mails to my ex helped me, I saved the letters in my drafts box.....I look back on some of those first letters and I realise that I have come a long way. It is especially hard when some-one you love just coldly cuts you off, I don't understand how that can happen, but it does, sadly too often. I keep reminding myself that it was my ex parnter that was the inadequate one, he was the one who could not face his problems, did not have the strength to talk to me about them and had no other coping strategy apart from running away. I don't know if treating some-one so poorly ever catches up with the person, I would like to think so. Karma would say so. I do believe that not facing and working through problems means that they fester deep within and one day burst out. I don't think it is bad to really feel the pain, it's natural to try to analyse (maybe we do it too much sometimes!), it definitely helps to talk and hopefully in the end we come out healed, not just having put a bandaid over the ugly festering wound beneath. Not much any-one can say will ease the pain right now, just get through each day, remind yourself that it does get easier. You are not alone in this experience...... wishing you a better day tomorrow Peaceseeker

Hi Kate I'm so sorry and I really empathise......I am going through what sounds like a very simlilar situation. Nine weeks ago my partner decided to walk out, like you I was totally shocked. I am the same age as you and we has been together for three years. He couldn't give me any reasons I could understand......he too mentioned trying the single life and a lack of commitment. I know how frustrating it is when you really need to know why and sadly there is nothing you can do to find out. I tried myself, asking (lots of times!), reasoning where there seemed no reason and unfortunately getting no-where. If you can, be strong girl, try not to ask..... I agree with Ellie2006, it is really selfish when one person decides about a relationship with no warning, no discusion, when relationships are meant to be about sharing. I am very hurt that my ex-partner was unable to share his feelings or let me know that anything was wrong. I was left with the house and found it really hard to stay there. I felt like the control had been taken away from me, by not being included in the important decision to end things and I needed to do something postive to start feeling OK again. So I moved out temporary. Also unavoidable memories will pervade your home, even when his stuff is gone. What ever you decide...good luck I found it hard to think of future things, or current things, or just about anything really when I was reeling from the news, I literally had to take one minute, then hour at a time and just get through them as best I could. You are lucky to have family, they can be amazing support .....I really admire mine more now, they have been the best. And friends, they seem to be able to hear the same words a billion timed over and still be interested. WE need them when life does a 180 and kicks us on the way I can vouch, it does get better.....slowly. Some days I catch a glipmse of my normal happy self, others I go and donate to the lake of tears. But overall the momentum is moving forward, which I'm proud We are all thinking of you, lots of positive and loving thoughts....you wil make it past this blacktime into days of shunshine and new oppotunities that you may never had envisaged.

Hi there, I am new to this forum as well. I don't really know what to say that will make it any better, but I just wanted to let you know that I really feel for you. I know what is like to struggle to get out of bed.....and to lose a person who you thought was going to be there forever- it sucks. But we have to believe what everybody says....the despair doesn't go on forever, it just feels like it will. I think you are being really strong, keep breathing, looking after yourself and talking....you are being listened to.

Thanks for your thoughts B2671, maybe you are right, being dumped like that does not leave much of a "maybe". so you are forced to just get on with life.....doesn't feel that good at the time though! Thanks Ellie2006, it good to know you are out there. I have been doing the journal/writing thing and you are right, it helps. What do you think?? At the end of a relationship that has always seemed good and suddenly one person runs away, do you always look back and see all these things that were wrong and that you were unable to see before???

Hello every-one I found this site by chance at about 2 am three nights ago. I spent the next three hours avidly absorbing others heartbreak. It made my realise that I was not alone in my intense sense of loss. It also made my realise that we are all very similar in a lot of ways. I suppose that is reassuring, but in some ways it kind of belittles what I am going through (yes, I admit to being one of those people who thought no-one had ever been treated the way I have and that no-one could possibly feel as hurt as me....how wrong I was!). Here is my story, for those who read it, thanks for listening. It may be long! I think writing it down and letting it float into cyber space may be cathartic and I am looking to heal. I am 33 years old, I met EB (also 33) when I was 29, it took me 29 years to find some-one who I was truly comfortable with, so I am going through this for the first time. I had had other relationships, just none that I had let myself really show, and thereforeeee been so vulnerable. From the first day, I knew EB was special, well at least, to me. He was one of those people who does not meet you and immediately tell you all the good things about himself. He was quiet, gentle, respectful and really talented at many things. We became best friends, finding ourselves naturally spending a lot of time together. He was in the process of getting over a long term relationship....it's funny how I never really wondered what had happened, that is until now. Our friendship grew, we kissed early on, he told me he was not ready for a relationship and although I was disappointed I accepted that we would only be friends. A year passed, we both moved to another state to work. We were living in a house with three other friends. I was hugely surprised the night he told me he wanted to be with me....although I got used to friendship, I know underneath I longed for more. He then vacillated, "not sure", not about really liking me, but about being in a relationship. He told me, "I can not see why I would ever want to break up with you and that scares me". Two days later he said "I've thought about it, I want to be with you" The next two and half years are a happy blur. We had so much fun, there were few issues, everything seemed easy and progressed naturally. We could talk about things.... we talked about commitment, acknowledging it has been an issue for both of us. He told me "it's different with you". I became comfortable, I believed in him and I trusted him implicitly. We came accross of few hurdles, but seemed to work through them, life was good, I don't think it was only me who thought this. We made plans, investments, he told me I was the one he wanted to have children with. At a friend's wedding one day, he asked me what I thought about marriage. I asked him why and he said " i just want to make sure you will say yes when i ask you". Time passed, we moved again. Life became a bit more mundane, we were both studying and working more than full time. I was stressed, as I always am when faced with big exams. Things were a bit flat between us for about a month. I attributed that to what was going on in our lives, I never doubted "us" for a second. Then one day, now nine weeks ago, he got up, packed three bags and walked out, no warning, no discussion, no explanation. All he could say was "I freaked out, I have doubts, I need 100 percent assurance". I could not have been more shocked, more devastated. Like most women I went into shut down, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was totally amazed how many tears the body can make. Like most men he got on with things, went to work, played sport, seemed fine......that hurt. I did all the cliched break-up things, I rang him up crying hysterically, I sent tormented text messages, I turned up on him doorstep, still crying. I searched and dug and poked and needled, trying desperately to find some answers. Alas, the were none, at least none that could satisfy my bleeding heart. It seemed to me that he was no longer present in his body, it looked like him, it sounded like him, but there the resemblance ended. He told me "I have retreated within and battened down the hatches, that is the only way I can do this". We went through hell, the moving day was awful, he hired a truck, came into our house and went through all our things, I watched in horror, so distressed. I helped him move, went in the truck to his new home, it was horrible. I had never even considered the concept of NC, I had had no reason to. Like most people who have never experienced the end of a significant relationship, breaking up was something that happened to "other people" and didn't you just get on with life......how different it is when those "other people" become you and the person you thought would be there forever. Anyhow, NC was kind of a natural progression for me, there is only so many times I could put my heart out to be crushed and discarded. It was kind of funny to read on this web-site, what a well known stage NC is. I was sooooo naive about this break-up thing. I'm not saying that at a moment of weakness and they are pretty frequent right now, that I will not break NC (it had been two weeks), I hope I don't, cause my mind knows it's a pathway for more pain, I just wish my heart would stand-up and catch up to the mind. What I want is to heal, I want to feel, to mourn, not to repress and to come out the other-side and be "OK". I never thought it would be so hard and from what I have read there is a lot more to come. Hopefully some of you will have some experiences to share and some suggestions.....thanks for listening. Peaceseeker