Parsley

Behind these Hazel Eyes. Fits so well doesn't it? Only problem being I don't have Hazel eyes...:S

Hey guys Right, you're the ones that have read everything that's gone on with me, so I want your opinions on what I should do, cause you probably know my situation better than I do! It's his birthday tomorrow. I believe it was Shakespeare who said "To email...or not to email..." before going "Nah...scratch that. That's pud" and wrote something better. What do you think? Edit: Not about Shakespeare...whether or not I should contact ex on his bday.

Yeah I guess I am angry. I got angry before...but maybe now it's got more reasoning. I feel really really used right now...more than I did before. Being angry helps me realise for definite that I am better off without him. I've had a few days before when I've noticed how much easier my life is now. I don't have to worry about him anymore, and I'm thinking of him less each day. *sigh* I just want to be past this and not have it in my head anymore. I wish so so much that it could be this time next year. Unless something crap happens then too. In that case, I wish it could be when things are ok...no, good!

Well I just had a big realisation. There is absolutely no way my ex ever loved me..the whole time it was infatuation..if that. It was such a horrible, slow realisation. In some ways it has put me back a bit..but in other ways brought me forward. Now I know that he is never going to get in touch for anything other than an attempt at friendship, because he won't miss me, so I don't have to worry about that anymore. The friendship ideal has been set back now though...only a couple of hours ago I was considering sending him a happy birthday message tomorrow, thinking I was at a stage where I could speak to him without anger, bitterness and sadness. But since my earlier realisation, I don't think any of that would happen. Sorry to hear your moving day was so difficult Pisces - I hope that now you don't have that to worry about as well things will get better for you And Luvmykids - I'm in shock about how immature your ex is being! Keep your head held high!

He never told this man you were still a thing? That's disgraceful. I can't believe he would do that. What did this other guy say about that? Did you ask him? x

Thank you You know..I'm starting to realise that I knew all along that it was just infatuation. The very very very first time he said he loved me...he was drunk, it was 4am, by text, and when I asked if he meant it he said he had to think about it and never answered me. I didn't want to fall in love with him...I did everything I could to stop it, but he reassured me that it would be ok, so I fell. And then it turns out that I loved him, but he didn't love me. You're right, love means wanting to protect and help the other person, even when it's difficult for you. I had to move 3 hours away for a couple of months, and the whole time it was me keeping the contact, because things were difficult for him with money and other stuff. I sent him little gifts, things I'd seen that made me think of him. I've always found it really difficult to *say* comforting things...I'm too scared of patronising the people I want to help. So when his nan was really ill, and he could only speak to me on the phone, it took so much for me to try and be comforting. But when it came to my problems...he wasn't there. I was having trouble at uni, and he would just lecture me instead of listening to what I was saying. The things he said gave me anxiety attacks...but I put it down to me and ignored them. Ah, sorry...I just keep finding myself ranting...and it's easier than keeping it in.

I think that for some, fears such as public speaking, can be influenced by the media. I mean..plenty of people see a documentary about illnesses and think they have it don't they? I was recently reading a magazine that had had an article about men who 'feed' their girlfriends, a kind of fetish thing, and how dangerous it was. There was a letter from someone saying they thought their best friend's boyfriend was one of these people - after reading the article. I'm fairly certain the poor guy wasn't - the friend probably just disliked him anyway, and there were enough similarities to prompt her to think that he was one of these people. Surely there can be something like this with regards to phobias? I think most people's phobias with speaking are more socially influenced though...by experiences as a child. As you said, when you're a child you have no inhibitions about anything at all...they're all learned. Maybe phobias are a 'nurture' thing...your parents were anxious about speaking in public and you pick up on it? Maybe it stems more from the onset of teenage hormones. When you're in secondary school, if you're not one of the popular crowd, you are definitely going to be anxious about standing up in front of people. I always was. I went to a drama group for 5 years, which you would think would help, and I guess it did slightly, but in some ways it got worse. The way it was there, it was very obvious who the favoured people were, and they were very much up themselves, and if you weren't one of them, even the tiniest thing felt like it was under a lot more scrutiny. I also had singing lessons for 3 years, I could sing like I really wanted to, without worrying only when I was in the solo lesson...as soon as I left those confines, where I knew the teacher was listening to help me...anything I learned was down the drain until the next week.

I've just been thinking about that...but I just think that if I were to send him something, no matter how light-hearted it was I would be so scared that he would think it was me trying to get him back, and, though I miss him so so much...I don't want him back. It sounds like the typical dumpee response, but if he hadn't done it, I would have, though later. God...this is so different to my last break up. Though with him, our birthdays were 2 days apart, and we broke up 2 weeks before them. We still gave each other the presents we had got, which both turned out to be trips to a show in London with the other. Lol...my friends think my life between April and, well carrying on, should be a soap opera. We broke up, went to London 3 times in a week, just us two, had to go to Paris together, I got a bf who was older than my brother-in-law, I move to uni, whilst there previous ex tells me he's gay, then boyfriend ignores me for no reason and breaks up with me via email 2 days after Christmas, part of his reasoning being that Christmas is always a terrible time for him because one of his exes left him at Christmas. Logical much...

Day 24! I'm nearly at the 30 day mark! Had a good week last week, didn't think of him nearly as much. Ok - I have thought about him every single day since...I think probably since the day we started talking. Weird. I think this morning was the first for a little while that I woke up and it kinda felt like the first week when I was desperate to know if he'd emailed me. It's kinda tough, because I *know* without a shadow of a doubt that he hasn't, and won't for a long time. Yet I'm always still wondering. It's his birthday tomorrow. Got a bit of an inward fight about it...the bigger part of me knows that I shouldn't, and probably won't contact him. But there's still a part of me that wants to at least say Happy Birthday. Before we were even together we had a conversation about birthdays, about how he thinks they're so fake, everyone pretending to care about you. I said how did he know it wasn't the day people felt they really could show their affection. So...I don't know. I kinda want to remind him of that, but I'm fairly certain that no matter what I write, it will seem like a thinly veiled attempt at either making him feel bad or 'remind him of the good times' you know? Gah.

The thing is...it wasn't that he said he wanted to marry me and I decided to sleep with him because of that. He said that about 2/3 months after we dslept together. It happened very quickly, he didn't *have* to say anything to get me to do it, I wanted to. Neither of us had said we loved each other the first time it happened. I don't understand why he would think I wanted him to say that, if it was him just saying the right things, as I was always so reluctant with stuff like that - he knew, we even talked about it, that I'm not the sort of person that says things quickly, and that I am only 18, I didn't want to be thinking about whether or not to marry someone, especially after only being with them 3 months (that was when he said about marrying/moving in). I guess....to me it just doesn't make sense that he would be using me, I've seen everything that happened. I've always thought this about forums..no matter how much detail you put it, you can't say *everything* that happened, and so you can't possibly expect people to give you perfect advice everytime..not saying that your advice isn't great! You've given me the advice I would have given someone had that not been my post. It's just...there are so many other factors others don't see..

Hey, My ex broke up with me after we were together about 4.5 months. He was the first of the two of us to say 'I love you', said that I was the one he wanted to marry, suggested I move in with him, anything like that - he always brought it up first. The last month or so of the relationship, he became difficult to get hold of, he wouldn't answer emails unless I just stopped trying for a few days, 'lost' his mobile constantly, never answered either that or his home phone...it became really soul-destroying. Over this time I really really thought I was losing my mind, thought I was overanalysing everything and made excuses for the way he treated me constantly. I thought it was the pill I'd been put on, and changed it because I thought it was harming out relationship. It was only when he broke up with me that he said that it actually was him that was causing that..it wasn't me. But he'd let me carry on believing it was me, letting me become wary of trusting my own mind - let me change my medication! He broke up with me saying he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore - that he didn't love me. Even through my 'crazy' haze, I knew before we broke up that at least the last time he said he loved me was a lie. I don't know about the times before that. After the email he sent (breaking up with me) I sent him one asking him 3 questions only - one being if he actually did love me, or if it was all an infatuation, because 4 months is an awfully short time to fall in and out of love with someone. He replied, answering 1 of the other questions, but has never answered the other 2, and we haven't spoken since. I'd just like a dumper's POV - do you think he could have loved me in that time? Or was everything he said a lie? The thing that scares me the most is the idea that it was just to get me into bed. He was the first person I slept with - and I really don't want to have to regret that decision. I don't want to have to regret the relationship, but I'd rather regret it and be clear, than spend my life with those thoughts burning away at the back of my mind causing resentment.

I'm saying don't choose friendship if the idea is to get back into a relationship, it doesn't work that way. I'm good friends with an ex, but because we only became friends when we knew we didn't want each other at all anymore, though the fact the break up with completely mutual helped a lot. I'm also saying that people deserve to love someone who loves them too, not someone who doesn't want more than friendship.

You know what...I may try and try that. I *love* singing and playing the guitar, but shake like a jelly at the mere thought of doing it in public, in front of...you know...like...people...who can see me. And JUDGE me. Even karaoke screws me up for a day. But I like the idea of reverting back to your childhood state of not giving a toss...the times when you wandered up to people, hoiked up your dress and said "Do you like my pants?" I know my two main fears were caused by the media. Sharks (clearly jaws. Now when people even mention sharks, my legs feel weird and I have to sit on them) and bridges. Bridges because of that clip of a bridge being tossed about like a bit of string the wind. Now I have no faith in those particular structures whatsoever.

Blimey, all I seem to see is arguments in all these posts. The way I see it...go NC, or at least LC. Whatever happens with you two, you'll have gained a lot by having this time to yourself, to realise who you really are and grow as a person. If you do end up back together, then one or both of you will be a lot wiser for having had the time apart to consider everything. You may even find after or during NC that you accept your ex's decision as for the best. If the level of contact is too high you'll never wean yourself off needing this person, and you shouldn't have to rely on another person like that. We all do it...everyone forgets themselves when they're in love. Do NOT try being friends as a way to wangle your way back into a relationship. If I'd got to a point where I could be friends with an ex and then realised that that was the only reason why we were friends, I could never trust him not to have alterior motives ever again. If you become friends, let it be naturally. Don't force it, and don't 'accept' it as a way to be close to them. You deserve more than that.

hey people right, well, tiny tiny backstory because I haven't an appropriate thread to link back to. Broke up with ex just under a month ago, week or so afterwards a new guy asks me out, I turn him down, he says I need professional help. Not so nice, considering my ex made me think I was actually losing my mind. Well after that, the guy stopped talking to me on msn for ages, I didn't block him, we just stopped talking. Now he has started a conversation again, as if the last words he said to me were "see ya!" instead of "if you think that way, you need professional help". So this is a kind of pre-emptive measure. Should this guy start trying again or something, what can I say? Everything I said to him before about just not wanting to have any kind of relationship, fling or otherwise, was brushed aside and ignored. I'm more healed than I was when this originally happened, so my reasoning is going to be a lot more cogent, concise and calm, but I don't want to run out of points and have to repeat myself like before. So...any ideas?

Crikey, yeah, you really would get it in the neck wouldn't you? Damn us females, lol Would it be possible for you to say to her that you want to help her through it for her? Say that you love her and want her to be happy with herself and you see how unhappy she is when she doesn't manage it. Or don't mention about the diet...maybe just complement her when she does stick to it. Is it an option for you to follow the diet as well? So you can egg each other on as it were. Appeal to the basic human nature of being competitive. I can't think of much to help...I know I can be difficult when I want to be, and how annoying that has got to be. Hope everything turns out ok x

Wow.. compared to everyone elses mine seems pitiful and ridiculously easy to deal with! Most recent relationship... 1) How long you were with them. 4 and half months 2) The main reason the relationship fell apart He wouldn't let me help him during difficult times, ignored me when I tried, told me he didn't love me anymore, and had been expecting our relationship to fail from the start. 3) How low you went For about a month and a half before it ended I was getting steadily more and more depressed, crying absolutely everyday because I just didn't know what was going on, and thought that I was actually losing my mind and stopped trusting all of my thought processes. The lowest would be a couple of days after he broke up with me (via email), when I realised that he'd known what I'd been going through, and had let me think it was me - whilst knowing that he was causing it. Knowing that someone I had felt so much for had let me suffer like that felt like a bullet to the head, heart and gut. Not long after, a guy asked me out, only to tell me I needed professional help when I turned him down. Set me back a bit, especially considering a week before I thought that I couldn't trust my mind anymore. 4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience. I'm on my way back now. NC, trying to keep busy, realising that I honestly and truly am better off without this person. Not easy, but I'm edging my way back. For a more positive break up - my previous ex, and first serious relationship, first love. 1) How long you were with them. 2.5 years 2) The main reason the relationship fell apart Growing older, growing apart, chemistry fizzling out from it's already pitiful fizz. 3) How low you went Fairly low - not nice to have the whole idealistic fairy tale broken apart before your eyes. Not easy to have to go to Paris with him a few months after the break up because we couldn't change the holiday we'd booked. 4) And how you go back on your feet and got yourself back to the incredible person you were before you went through the bad experience. I'm not sure. Just made sure I remembered I would be at uni a few months later and would meet someone amazing. I did meet someone the week after getting back from Paris. Unfortunately he turned out to be the ex mentioned above.

I would say go with your instincts. Twice in past relationships I've felt that things just weren't right, and ignored what was happening - blamed myself instead, made excuses for them. Twice I was absolutely right, and had just ended up hurting myself a lot more. Put aside any excuses for this person, and honestly ask yourself if you think what is happening is right, and whether it is something that is going to get better. Since I broke up with my ex trusting your instincts has become my pet cause, because I ignored them so very very very much, and now i feel like an absolute fool, on top of everything else. So please - go with what you think is right. If that means staying with this person - then stay with them. If it means leaving - leave.

I only hope I helped! I know the days I've tried to ignore weren't anywhere near as difficult to deal with as yours must be, but I figured that it was a common goal - just to be distracted! I would highly recommend a theme park or something of that ilk. There's nothing that distracts you more than saying to yourself "why did I just strap myself into something that is going to go 100 ft in the air...then turn UPSIDE DOWN?!?!" *hug*

What I've done in the past on dates that I thought would be ridiculously difficult to get through was set myself reminders for that day telling me to smile and cheer up. Then I tried to sort something out so that day was so busy I didn't have a chance to think about it. Maybe something like a theme park or something like that? Maybe even just a pub crawl or something with your friends! Point being...do something fun that distracts you from what you would have been doing. And make sure when it comes to the night that you have friends around you! The last thing you want is to be alone. I hope you're ok xxx I said 'something' a lot in there didn't I? Blimey.

Ok so yesterday's resolution didn't seem to last very long did it? I've spent the whole day on here just going through the forums. Maybe it's something I do to try and know what the ex is thinking without breaking NC? If you get me? I know I'm always looking for the thread that encapsulates our relationship, and I think it's so that I can know what to do by seeing what they do. I don't think I really know what outcome I want from all this...I thought I didn't want him back, I'm pretty sure I don't, but then I get doubts about it and remember how much I loved him. I let myself go crazy so that I wouldn't have to hurt him at Christmas. I changed medication because I thought it was what was affecting our relationship. I never even considered asking him to take me back or try again, so did I actually love him as much as I thought? Could I possibly have loved him and not wanted to try again? I thought I couldn't be friends with the person that let me think I couldn't trust my own mind anymore, but anytime I think about seeing him just out and about when I am over him (I'm clearly not now) I can't bear the thought of being harsh to someone that meant so much to me.

This wasn't a song I listened to so much, it's not really very close to my 'story' but it's a good one for when you do just need to be sad. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us I can change and I can grow or we could adjust The wicked thing about us is we always have trust We can even have an open relationship, if you must I look at her she stares almost straight back at me But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet Dry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now It's over So then I move my hand up from down by my side It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh 'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein' It weren't supposed to be easy, surely Please, please, I beg you please She brings her hands up towards where my hand's rested She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers Dry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now It's over And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word 'Cause everythin's just gone I've got nothin' Absolutely nothin' Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin' Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in Look into her eyes to make her listen again I'm not gonna f*****', just f*****' leave it all now 'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down You're well out of order now, this is well out of town She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight Turns around so she's now got her back to my face Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away Dry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now It's over I know in the past I've found it hard to say Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight But the more I pull on your hand and say The more you pull away Dry your eyes mate I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up There's plenty more fish in the sea Dry your eyes mate I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts But you've got to walk away now.

Hey people Haven't properly posted for a little while, just been busy. Over 3 weeks of NC, feel fab, though do have my moments. Having been away from a computer where I can post on here, I've realised that coming on here everyday probably isn't helping a lot. I know I'm getting a lot of help and advice etc from everyone on here, and I am so ridiculously grateful, but I think that when I come on here...I'm always going to think of my ex, and I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to grant him any space in my thoughts - he doesn't deserve it. The last few days that I haven't been on here so much I've thought of him a lot less, and, like I said, I feel great. So I reckon I'll try a week only coming on here when the need to write is overwhelming, or if something major happens. If by the end of that week I feel worse for not being here, I'll come back, but if I'm still feeling better, I'll stick to that. I realised that before, I'd find myself on here *all the time* and always trawling through the Breaking Up and Divorce forums trying to find similar situations to my own, and trying to decide what outcome I actually want. Tijuana - I'm sorry things didn't work out as you'd hoped. It's a cliche, but this is someone you're better off without, if she's playing with your emotions like that. I also know that that's easy for the observer to say, and stupidly difficult for the person experiencing the break up to honestly feel. I hope that soon enough it won't be 'everything else' but everything in your life being peachy. x

Right - I just looked at his myspace page. But hear me out first, k? Ok, well I woke up a lil while ago and already felt great. Something, I'm not sure what, made me think of the ex, and it felt different to before. Where before, when I thought of him the very instant that I did, I was trying to stop it, this time it just felt like "oh...and?". I didn't really know what to think about this. I can't say that I'm over him, I know I'm not. But then I didn't know why I was feeling like that, or I didn't understand. So I wanted to kind of...test the waters with other things to see if my heart did that kind of jig it did before. I started out just by checking the email account he used to send messages to. Before when I looked at it and saw nothing I'd feel...crap. But now it felt normal, just like checking my inbox before. So with that done I thought I'd try looking at the myspace page. So I did and it, well it didn't feel as normal as looking at the inbox, but it still felt ok. i didn't have to worry about seeing his picture or anything, because the one he uses doesn't look that much like him. So yeah. The rules say I have to post when I do something like that and how I feel - so I did. It was like I had to guage where I was. I'm not over him...but I'm getting there.

Hey hey Nearly three weeks of NC I had a great two days yesterday and today - I visited some friends in Portsmouth, we cooked a big meal together, went out for a really fantastic girly night out (I may have had the odd one or two....*ahem*) and I feel great. Ok, I did have a little bit of a rant..actually, I wouldn't say it was a rant so much...I just talked about what happened with them, and I did make sure that a sober friend had hold of my phone all night, to ensure no drunken phone calls took place. Coming back felt weird, every time I've made the journey back from Portsmouth I was on my way to see my ex. I realised that I do miss him...but I've been missing him longer than the time we've been apart, because he wasn't *him* for a long long time before that. So it's all good, I feel fantastic (no hangover either BRILLIANT), and cannot wait until I can go back to Pompey in September and be living there again. Tijuana, I'm glad that you're happy. Just make sure that you stay that way, ok? I do NOT want to see you starting this challenge over. xx