WhatGives

First, I am very sorry that you feel this way. It is really difficult to be crawling within your own skin... so for what it's worth... HUG!!! I think that you should realize that there is more than one problem here. You are not happy with yourself AND you are not happy with the relationships or connections that you have with people (or lack thereof.) I agree that you cannot be happy with other people if you are not first happy with yourself. I can only give one strong piece of advice when it comes to loving yourself: Judge yourself by your own virtue, own values, own goals, own heart. Do not place your self-worth in the eyes of others, for then you will always be let down. Look at the people that are worshipped in our culture- POP culture- celebrities who flaunt themselves around with pizazze and charm, but very little to offer most individuals because they are only SYMBOLS of what people wish they could be. What most people do not realize is that it is all a facade. There is no such thing as perfection. There never will be. Every single one of us is as imperfect as the next in our own ways. Instead of shying away from people because your differences make you feel like you are set apart from the "norm," you should embrace you unique qualities and let them exemplify your character. Only then can you truly love yourself. Now about other people, you cannot control how they react to you or treat you or care about you. Many people are selfish and unconcerned with others. BUT there are people out there that are selfless, loving, and looking for good friends, just like you. Try to be patient and hang in there... if you learn to love yourself, I am sure that other people will come around and not get enough of you!

I can relate to this one in my own way. I have one person outside of my family that I actually classify as a *friend.* I know literally thousands of people, but most of them I see out for a drink on occasion, or call when they need something, or check in once every 6 months. Sure it's nice to have people to *potentially* fall back on if you are in need of help, but what ever happened to friends being the people who you laugh with, want to spend so much time with, could talk for hours with, and just can't get enough of? I know some people that seem like they have soooo many good friends... they talk about college as if it was heaven on earth and talk of their friends as if they were the angels! Yet it seems like 90% of the memories they have with these people are drunken memories... hmmmm... Well... I haven't been so lucky in the friends department. I give 110% to my friendships, but get about 15% back. Sure, some people are there if I cry- and that I am grateful for, but not many want to call to ask me to do anything... which is strange because many of them have told me that I am the nicest/most fun person they've known. It bewilders me. So you aren't alone in feeling like you can't hang on to close friends or make any.

Guys certainly don't help the situation by lying. My ex lied to me like that too. Which then caused me to start to worry. And then came the questions.... But you have to trust each other. Being completely open and honest about everything is sooooo much better than having anything kept under wraps. I have to say that playing 20 questions every time his phone rings, anytime he goes out, or things like that only become a drag after a while and really wear on the relationship. Time should be spent enjoying each other and growing in love, not being a third parent and bringing in the Spanish Inquisition every time he does something without you. There is a catch 22 here... he is lying because he doesn't want to deal with you worrying so much... but his lying will only make you worry even more because you are going to most likely catch him in the lies (because we women do that). Once someone lies, it is VERY hard for trust to build back up again. It sounds like this relationship needs a clean slate.

I LOOOOVE HUGS It's true... a hug can make me forget about things even if just for a few seconds.

Jjason- I compleeeetely see where you are coming from! I really do!!! I know that it seems like I am being utterly selfish... from your perspective I would probably think the same thing. Thing is, we were on again off again throughout the whole 5 years. I would tell him every time something was wrong... and I was completely honest with him. He wasn't as honest with me... and it hurt me a lot. This complicated things and caused fights. Then, starting this past November, I noticed that he was just becoming someone entirely different. He wasn't nice to me AT ALL... sometimes cruel. I couldn't understand what was happening. He would admit that he wasn't treating me the way that I deserved to be treated, but then assure me that he loved me completely. It was confusing and heartbreaking,... he always had some excuse like "it will be better once we are out of college..." then once college ended it was "It will be better after this summer..." "it will be better after grad school" " i will be more romantic once..." Finally I got to the point where I said you know what... I can't hang on to these promises anymore. I'm broken and I can't wait for some moment to make everything better. So I "technically" ended it. In my heart, it feels like he did because he had the opportunity to treat me the way that he knew he should have. Now about the friends thing... it is NEVER easier to feel better about something so terrible just because it has happened before. Like I mentioned before, it makes it even WORSE that it is happening again because it is coming from *him*- the person that I thought would be my best friend no matter what. It's true that most people cannot be friends once they have been in love and broken up. But I thought that we truly had some unearthly connection. He even says that he truly believes that our souls will be together in heaven. He just can't deal with the pain of not being with me. Well, it isn't any easier on me. I wish we could have worked- but I gave everything I possibly had until I was completely broken. Jaded. But I am willing to have to someday face him walking down the aisle with another woman (which would rip my heart out) but I would still be able to be there just to see happiness in his eyes. That's the kind of love I have for him and friend I'd be to him. I don't know. I guess I am just different.

I'm in the legal field, so it is a different industry. But, I generally write cover letters when asked. Although if you are applying for a highly competitive position, you want to do whatever you can to stand out... so a cover letter might be a pretty good idea. People always seem to make more out of a cover letter than it actually is. Just think of them as a brief, written interview with you. You tell the employer the most important things that you want them to know. The biggest plus: it might help you during an in-person interview. They might gear questions around the letter, so you would have more opportunity to be prepared for their potential questions. I know that in my field, dropping the names of certain renowned professors that I've had is useful. Just some thoughts BEST OF LUCK

I have always had the same 3 levels as well. And yes, they can all take place during the same night or session. I can see your point about an element of guilt, IronLion. But I do think that for some people it's not about guilt. I rarely ever use the F word because I think it just sounds raunchy on a casual basis. BUT, the one time I do use it is when I am unbelievably turned on and my partner is making me feel really good... a "Ohh F*** yesss" or "F***!!!" or "you make me feel so F***ing good" will come out. It isn't cursing like a sailor, though. It just flows out and my partner also uses it at times. The funny thing is... the other day i was talking to him and I said "f***" and he was like whoa... ive never heard you use that word before. And I was like ummm, you sure about that? haha. He had to think for a while to realize it. It definitely does depend on the right mood and comfort level. And people gave GREAT examples of how it can work with a mood and how it can work against a mood. Generally, I prefer to have a nice balance between sweet, deep encounters with a lot of love and allowing my inner freak to come out and play when it wants to ravage or be ravaged. "I love you"s while making love can only work if you are truly making love. Otherwise, it seems like a failed attempt at forcing something to be more than it actually is.

Thanks Chai. I know he is hurting a lot too. And yes, I did break up with him. But he also knew that it was over. And he left me no choice... I told him for so long that he was not making me feel loved at all and he admitted to it. He knew that he wasn't himself, he just didn't know why. To me, even though I technically broke up with him, it feels like he broke up with me. Like he left me months before I finally couldn't take it anymore and keep telling myself "it will get better when ____ ..." He knows how hurt I am over this. I just don't know what to do. I feel lost without having him in my life in some way at least. I know that it probably is too soon to have moved on... but I already have. And he is really a great guy that I may be able to have something special with. I don't want to pass this up to spend time dwelling on a loss. I just wish my ex would be strong enough to be my friend, the way that I am willing to be his. And thanks so much BillyJean. Your encouragement does help. I also believe that everything happens for a reason... I just wish this pain wasn't eating away at me. And it's also nice to know that there are other females who struggle with having close female friends.

Thank you for your words, BillyJean. It helps to know that someone can relate. I understand what you are saying about him still being alive and well... But what upsets me the most is that life is so short, we don't know when it will end. And either one of us could die any day, and never get to see each other again It makes me just want to cry for days. Months. Years. I also don't really have close girl friends. My closest friend is a guy. He has been there for me for many years. But I don't have very close girls... they always try to compete with me for everything it seems and they always break my trust. Without him... I just feel... like half of me is missing. I really do.

I apologize that this is so long... I just reaaaally need advice. I feel so abandoned. Back in March, I ended a 5-year relationship with the love of my life. He and I knew each other better than anyone... we were so close and he was my best friend. We did eeeeverything together. Travel, college, fun, sleep, EVERYTHING. We had some trust issues from the beginning, because he lied to me. Our relationship was always pretty difficult, and we had a few breaks. I broke up with him a few times before because it was too difficult always being at each other's necks about something. Then this past year he changed so much that I realized he was someone else. I couldn't recognize who he was anymore. So I ended the relationship and have moved on. The thing is, it has been tremendously difficult for me because not only have I lost the man that I thought I was going to marry (we built our future around each other... he was going to live with me next year.) But I have lost my best friend. He was the person that I thought I could count on in this lifetime NO MATTER WHAT EVER CAME OUR WAY. I thought that he would be the person that I could go to for anything in the world... because I know that I could NEVER turn him away. I will always ache at the loss of our romantic future, but I could NEVER turn him away as a friend. I want to know him and be a part of him forever. But he doesn't feel the same way. He says it hurts too much to know me and he just can't be in my life at all. He told me that I will always own his heart and be the only woman he will ever love like this... but that he never wants to talk to me or see me again. He doesn't live in the same place now, so his address is different and his phone number is as well. He doesn't respond to my emails. He wrote me a letter with no return address telling me that he wishes me luck in my new relationship and that he hopes I find happiness in this life. He says that he will always love me and "our souls will meet in the next life." And he asked me to please not contact him in any way. This is DEVASTATION to me!!! I feel this emptiness... this sorrow in my soul. I will always love him in a way that I could never love another man. I feel like our souls are connected on this unearthly level, but we just weren't meant to be romantic partners on this earth. I would do anything for him... and it kills me that he is abandoning me. I don't have many close friends at all... and losing him is like leaving me alone. He wants a fresh start. I understand this. Seeing me is so painful knowing we can't be together. I understand THIS TOO. But it kills me just as much, but I am willing to suffer through that pain for the sake of having him in my life... so I can know him and be a part of him, and still share part of my life with him. I am aching so much inside right now. And what makes it worse is that I am seeing someone new right now. I really care about him a lot and want to see what can grow between us,... I just don't want this emptiness to cause me to close up and shy away from him out of fear of being abandoned again. Every friend I get close to eventually leaves me. That is just the way it is. I have one friend that I've had for years that has stuck by me through it all. Everyone else comes and goes with their own convenience. And now the one person I thought would never leave me, despite annnny amount of pain, discomfort, inconvenience, or aaaanything, has left me. I would NEVER have done this to him. I am soooo sooooooooo devastated. Some people tell me he will come around after time, and it just takes time. I don't think so. I think he truly has NO intention of ever seeing me again. Please... if anyone has ANY advice... it would really help.

If you put it on right and it is the correct size, you shouldn't have any problems. It usually doesn't desensitize too much. But also realize, since this is your first sexual experience, it may not be what you are expecting. It will be vastly different than a hand job... so perhaps you will be a lot quicker than you expect (usually the case for guys). OR maybe you will decide later on that condoms aren't for you. They are important, though, to protect against STD's (you know that.) Just remember to enjoy your first time, and don't spend the whole time worrying about the condom. Relax, have fun, and enjoy your girlfriend.

Well, if you think you can trust him to keep his word... AND you think you could handle it if this thing went south (the bad south, not the good south )... Then I say go for it. Do what feels right.

The point of myspace is to talk to people you wouldn't normally have an opportunity to talk to. If you find this guy interesting, send him a message! Shoot him a hello and see if you can establish a connection! If you want to avoid weirdness with your friend, just tell him that you messaged his brother because he seems interesting. Your friend's reaction will be a foreshadow of how he would react to you actually dating his brother.

I think everyone, even the most extroverted people, question themselves after conversing with strangers. I know that for me, I am very outgoing... I will talk to anyone, any time, any place. BUT... it is very hard for me not to wonder what the person is thinking and then after the interaction I almost always reflect on it and wonder what the person thought. I am a person of impulse and kind of just say whatever comes to my mind. I guess that is sort of the other extreme from what you describe yourself as. But the point is... we are both weary of the impressions that we make, as everyone is. I just tend to have this non-judgmental view where I don't tend to judge others freely, and I don't allow myself to subject myself to other's judgment (unless it is constructive, of course.) So I guess what I am trying to say is... if you carry yourself around, overly concerned with how others will perceive/ judge you, you won't be able to open yourself up completely or truly be comfortable enough with yourself to share who you are. If you approach people with an attitude like "these people are only human, who are they to judge me. An embarrassing moment is just that: a MOMENT. It will not last a lifetime and every human has at least one of these moments. I am awesome because I am me." I know that may sound corny, but seriously... give yourself some credit. I am sure you are not as boring as you think and you just might have some strange quirk that will suit someone's fancy. I am a very quirky person... but very open with them... which in turn has found me some fun companions to indulge in my strange quirks with!

Hormones are a crazy thing, aren't they? Sometimes they rage for someone that is just so *wroooong* but oh so riiight. Still, you should consider the mighty steep CONS before jumping in to his sultry waters. I agree with the previous post that terrible things could come of it, if it were to turn sour. Extending a platonic relationship into a sexual one will open you up for a bad reputation or even worse, a broken heart. That said, if you do cave to your sexual impulses, try to at least talk to him first and develop some kind of "repoire" beforehand...