iamtheone

Day 1...(evening 1?) we have just seen each other at the pub. It's still raw, we only broke up last week. I deleted his number from my phone at the insistence of mutual friends who we sat with, because I can't seem to leave him alone and give him the space he is asking for. He said he understood it took a lot for me to do that, and he was proud of me. Before I left he sort of rubbed my shoulder/back as a compromise instead of a hug. I will see him next week at the pub. If I had given him the space in the first place (and listened to him) we might still be together. I have to not phone/text, or comment on his facebook, etc. He wants to be friends and will contact me when he wishes, after he has had some space/time to think. Everything has changed so suddenly..I'm unemployed and depressed, and used to see him constantly- now it's gone.

*hands up* i did what other people did to me except i did it worse i wanted someone to say its not acceptable and that it wasnt when it was done to me either im a woman no one seems to take me seriously, they think who hasnt slapped their SO..my doctor laughed.. i took out my depression and anger on him then eventually i left, i had to, we were self destructing i used to hit my ex and want him to hit me back, i deserved it for hitting him in the first place. eventually he hit me back harder to try and discourage me, but then i would hit him when i wanted to be hit back as i felt worthless. but the reasons i hit him was because i felt so out of control with myself are there any books i can read about this? to help myself?

I agree with Ilse. Your bf could spend an hour with you in the week, the reason he doesnt want to is that you constantly smother him! No wonder he pulls away! You even ring him when he's at work, it's incredibly smothering. You have an anxiety problem, for god's sake go to a doctor or a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor and do something about it. Maybe you should take a break from your bf til you're sorted out. Then you can have a stable relationship later without being dependant on him. If you won't do anything about your anxiety problem (and believe me it sounds chronic- it does not have to be this way) or leave your bf so he can get some peace then your relationship is just going to continue being like this. Take some responsibility.

I did Philosophy at uni! I hadn't done it before uni though so I didn't know what to expect- there's a lot of reading (I did English Literature with it). Maybe your boyfriend thinks you'll go back to your wild ways- basically he's showing his insecurity here. Is he an insecure person in general? I have said pretty much the same words as he has, to my ex- I was scared he'd find someone 'better' than me at uni, and being so far away would forget about me. Of course this was my major lack of self confidence talking. I understand that you feel offended/insulted by the idea that you would 'go wild'. Unfortunately the monster of insecurity does make people postulate things which are, in reality, ridiculous.

Martha, every time I read one of your posts about you and your interactions with your bf it's like looking into a mirror. "He makes it too easy for me to get carried away."- think not about how he acts but how you respond, retrain yourself. You have to live with yourself for the next 70-odd years, don't try to change other people- change yourself. Counselling, Self help books, videos, mental exercises- there's lots you can do without having to pay a therapist. I don't know if you like to read but try one and see- the feeling good handbook by dr david burns is highly recommended (im waiting for mine to arrive). The family event thing- maybe he feels obligated to take you everywhere but this ends up with you both feeling drained, so sometimes he'd rather not take you. Honey you are both emotionally drained from the way you both interact, you need to change it. I used to/(still- it needs working through) aggravate my bf. Clinginess, neediness, calling a lot, blaming (these are things I do, I don't know if you do all of them)- these all drain someone, and make you both miserable. They drain YOU and then you do it more because you feel anxious/worse about yourself, you havent enough sleep from worrying etc- I've been there. Analysing a relationship over and over and doing the above things do not make for a fun time. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings but you're suffering and I've been through the same, I'm trying to help you. What makes for a fun time is letting go, being yourself, letting the other person be themselves without feeling obligated to be/do anything in particular. Having your own life is important. I know that you have a job but I mean things which you enjoy, bring you happiness, hobbies etc which are separate from your bf- don't drop/stop everything for him. I don't know what you were both like when you first started going out, but presumably you had your own interests etc which attracted him to you. And vice-versa -try to imagine if your bf was anxious, needy etc over a long period of time-- how would you react? Would you say that you are different now than when you started going out? eg more insecure etc? You need to find your way back. Let your bf be and let him live his life, go to his family things etc- while you work on yours. I am sympathetic for you. And for your bf, your relationship sounds stressful. But people keep posting advice and you keep not following it. I think you should go back over your old posts, take note of the advice (expecially from elektrahere) and write it down in a list. Then do those things (act on the advice). Are you scared that if you feel better in yourself you won't want to be with him anymore? I used to feel that way. You're depriving yourself of a happy life Martha, either do something about it or stop asking for advice when you won't take it. Respectfully, Melissa.

hi, can you take your friend to see a counsellor? you are right, she does not need to kill herself, it is not the answer maybe your friend should take a break from dating? just be friends with both girls and not date either of them? please tell an adult if you think your friend is going to try to commit suicide, counsellors can talk to her about how she feels. good luck p.s. i like the cat in your photo, she looks like my cat rosie.

Life has highs and lows. But with the right medication (if you need it) it's highs and lows instead of deeeeeep lows and sort-of-oks.

Hey, one thing I used to do when I was badly depressed was to 'pretend' ie get up get dressed do all my usual things and see how I felt. If I couldn't cope then I'd go back to bed. If I fooled myself into being 'ok' for a little while it meant I got things done. Are you on medication? Do you want to be? I didn't want to be but I was fed up of constantly trying to 'cheer myself up' and it never working. Try and eat properly if you can, I felt like the living dead when I had an eating problem. Though the reason I had the eating problem was cos I felt so awful about myself...so it was a vicious circle. Hugs, Melissa 1:

I have been on celexa (citalopram), for depression, I was on 40mg at one point, to be honest it didn't make any difference to the way I felt. The first 2 weeks I felt very jittery though, like I'd had too much coffee, and hyperactive. It's probably best to ask someone who has taken it for the same reasons as you (anxiety). Best, Melissa.

Martha, I know my post is long but did you get a chance to read it? Elektra is right. If it wasn't the topic of wanting to live with your boyfriend, it would be something else- just WHEN are you going to be happy? You can be happy now, you don't have to wait UNTIL xyz happens....Stand up and deal with your anxiety problem and I promise you life will be much better. Best, Melissa.

Martha (xmrth), I have been following your posts for some time. You sound a lot like I used to be, when I first started reading things on this site, I thought 'there's someone who feels the same way as me.' I don't mean to be hurtful in any way, I see a lot of myself in you and I really wish I could help you. I know you have said you don't think medication will help. To me it seems clear that you have anxiety/depression problems. I eventually found out that I have BPD (here's a link) link removed, it might apply to you, it might not, but I think you need to DO something about the anxiety. Whatever methods you have tried don't seem to be working, else you would not be 'miserable'. PLEASE please get some professional help, you do not have to live full of anxiety and worry about your SO. Why not try medication? If it doesn't help, then at least you will have tried. I thought that if only my SO would change I wouldn't feel so paranoid, anxious etc- but whenever he acted the way I 'wanted' him to I still felt the same. It was all to do with ME. I found a medication that works for me and I am so happy, I don't have nagging self-esteem/anxiety/depression problems anymore. My SO is able to go out without me and I'm not in tears and worrying constantly, like I used to be, about what MIGHT happen. I worried more about what MIGHT happen than what actually DID happen. I've realised that YES other people do live without worry and depression, and so can I. This comment worries me: 'If I were like him, I think I'd feel a lot better'- to be confident, truly confident in yourself you have to be YOURSELF, not a clone of someone else. As Elektra says, you have to get YOUR own life, who is Martha, who are YOU? without your boyfriend, not just being 'his GF'. Best wishes, Melissa x.

Exercise as well, I find that if I have problems in that area a short walk helps to get things moving.

RayKay always speaks wisely. I'm a pale skinned redhead too (but not many freckles)- I'm ashamed to say I have starved myself into a stick before- and changed my hair colour- but I learnt from it, and now I appreciate myself for what/who I am. Rock Chick, irregardless of insecurity destroying your relationship, it will destroy you if it is not tackled. You're a young woman, you deserve to feel confident about yourself and who you are. You sound almost identical in your worries to how I used to feel- I've been diagnosed with depression. Even if you are not 'technically' diagnosed with depression, low self-esteem is not something you have to put up with. You can change it- perhaps talking to a counsellor about some of your worries would help. For me, gaining self-esteem was about realising who I am--not who a bottle blonde starved stick is (what I starved myself into)--I used to think 'I know who I am, and I don't like it' - once I stopped trying to change myself into what I THOUGHT people would like, I realised I WAS someone worthy all along.

She sounds shallow to me. I'm scared of heights and my boyfriend doesn't make comments like that about it. We all say insensitive things sometimes- perhaps you should let her know that it hurt your feelings and that she's not being very nice.

I am in uni RayKay, I finish at the end of this week (forever). I have tried apologising and such but he doesn't believe I'll change, I've had 2 years to change. I tried but got nowhere, antidepressants, counsellor etc did nothing- tablets made me feel worse and actually more suicidal. If I do change he'll say I'm only doing it to win him back and he won't trust it. Very true about being secure in yourself but I never have been so not a clue how to do that. What do we do when I'm the abuser? Mentally more than anything else. I don't set out to be horrible, he'll say he likes me and wants to be with me but then he'll completely ignore me and only reply to my messages when I get * * * * *y, I've gotten so used to him being cold to me that I'm mean to him I suppose as a defence mechanism.

ah RayKay i was waiting for your wonderful advice! LDR is indefinite, he went away to uni. Awful as in accusing him of cheating, screaming, hitting, being paranoid, things like that which I'm very ashamed of. Clinginess etc I think due to depression, or maybe the other way around- I'm definitely not the person I was when we first met. It's pretty much an indefinite LDR as now I don't even think we're together. I don't know what we'd say in person that we haven't already said, he just says "I don't know, give me time"-why should he control me and put me in limbo?

I've been reading these forums for a long time and have been hesitant to post but could do with some advice. Basically im in an LDR with my boyfriend (mostly over the internet right now, the first year was not LD), am depressed, clingy, have been awful to him. He now wants time to decide, apparently part of him wants to stay with me but he thinks he should leave. He's been avoiding me and snapping at me since he told me this. My friend think we won't get anything worked out until we speak face to face. I think giving him an ultimatum will just result in him leaving me, and I don't want that. He's coming home this weekend, what should I do? I've sent a message saying I heard he's coming home this weekend and would he like to see me, also has he decided anything about us yet.