phishgirl

confused- Man, I am SO sorry you have to deal with this situation. As a young woman myself (24 yrs) and having broken up with my ex, trying to reconcile, he now has doubts-I can relate to BOTH of you, which makes it kind of weird to read your post. Your wife is like me directly post-breakup. I felt controlled about who I went out with, he was suspicious and subsequently, clingy. This made me feel more suffocated ever because of my response to him and his counter-response. In my personal experience, it seems as though my female peers are at an identity/independence crisis in their lives if they've been with only one guy through their "growth" phase. That's what happened to me, and a factor in why I originally broke up with my bf, whom I still LOVE greatly; he's my heart and soul. On the other hand, I'm now on your side, in a way, where my bf is dragging ME along because he's "confused" about his current life plan, etc. We're now both thereforeee our SO's (though I know you were there for her the entire time). I'm still terribly attached, as you were. Although we have no children, it was an assumed thing, and we imagined the children we would create together. My outside opinion, however, is that she's simply dragging you along, as you're well aware of. Maybe she acknowledges that she has a son, and doesn't want a 'broken' family. You're obviously the primary caretaker, though, and you've never mentioned a word about her role in raising him! You seem like a family-oriented guy, who wants to be complete with more children and with a wife who is happy with family, which makes YOU happy now. Your wife doesn't seem like she was ready for this family when it began, and she learned too late that she wasn't mature/experienced enough for it, and now wants to experiment the "real life" without you. I can understand. However, where I don't understand you wife is HOW she got married despite this-she MUST've known her ambivalence before marriage, and was hoping it would go away-that's why I broke up with my bf after 4 years-I didn't want to marry him and realize my own hesitancy to 'commit' AFTER the fact. Confused, I think, as you do as well, that reconciliation with your wife is a futile attempt. I know I HATE being strung along, AND having strung my own bf along for a week before deciding about us. You're making the right decision, child or no child. You sound like a generous, sweet person, and deserve someone who has NO DOUBT about you. AND you should not hold yourself to your promise to your ex about not having half-children. She's chosen to do her thing despite your feelings, and you are entitled to do the same. Please find your own happiness with your son and someone who WILL and is ready to commit herself to your life plans. I wish you the best, but have no doubt you'll find someone even better after the divorce. Let your wife go-it's no good to be dragged along. Besides, you already said you'd have a slim chance of taking her back anyway, if at all. Find the one who's right for you.

Well, before I broke up with him, he agreed to couples therapy to deal with our issues, but now, I don't know if it's necessary. My therapist has been helping me improve my assertiveness with him, to stand up for myself when dealing with conflicts as they arise, as this was my weakness before we broke up. It's mainly to work on myself first, and to be a stronger person, as he has a strong personality himself. Of course, I acknowledge that we probably both would benefit from couples therapy, but at this point, my going alone is most helpful to me, in learning how to confront him with my needs. All along he's been aware about the situation between my parents which very much resembles our relationship (my mom met my dad when she was young, married him, and now she's felt she's 'missed out' on certain things in life since she was so young-however, difference is, I no longer feel that about my ex). He believes I'm on the same path as my mom-she moved in with me for the summer 2 years ago to separate from my dad, though they're still together now-28 years. She's felt at times like she married too young and missed out on life, and feels that she doesn't love my dad as much as she should (as much as he loves her). I think ultimately he's worried that way down the line, that I'll do the same as my mom has. Well, I'm not exactly in the same situation as her, as she was trying to escape her selfish, alcoholic mother. My mom is very supportive and loving, not an alcoholic. How can I assure my ex that I'm not having regrets like my mom?[/b]

Swedeace, my longest, closest friend (since elementary school) has ALWAYS been high maintenence, and I imagine, always will be. She's insecure, vain, selfish, concerned about what others think, uncompromising, stubborn, and flaky. We've been friends for years, despite all this. Why? Because we've always had fun together. We grew up together. I've accepted her faults, as she's accepted mine (which, I believe, are to somewhat of a lesser extent). I wouldn't trade anyone else in the world for her. We've come to have different lifestyles over the years, as she's become more artistic and analytical-me, laid-back and more "professional", but we balance each other out. Your friend probably feels the same. I love discussing self-improvement with her, despite our different faults and goals. We help each other grow.

Well, never mind about the last questions. I called him around lunchtime today, and asked whether he'd gone yet (this is something we used to do when I got out of work early-today was one of those days). He said he'd just eaten with a couple of guys he works with, and kind of said a dissappointed , "awww" and said he was sorry. I ended the call quickly, saying, "Ok, well I'll talk to you later then," as I wanted NO pressure on him. He said the same. Well, around an hour or so later he called me back (I was surprised) and asked me where I was. I was at the bookstore by his house doing some work. He said he'd stop by for a while. He came by, and we talked for around an hour or so, catching up on the last week. Then we talked about the hellish weeks we've both had separately, and connected with each other then. We talked about all the things we'd wanted to do recently, but hadn't because they were things we always did together. He invited me over to hang out for a while, but I said I had to see my therapist soon (I'd started seeing her after we broke up-she's worked wonders), and he suggested later, taking it back, saying, "Well, we probably shouldn't hang out after you see your therapist.) Anyway, ended on a good note, we had a long, tight hug and he kissed me on the forehead and said, "Talk to you in a little bit". A good sign, I guess. I'd told him I'm here for him. I told him I love him and he said, "Me too". So, a confusing meeting. Not putting too much thought into it, but it certainly seems hopeful. Just an update, if anyone's interested. Comments welcome!

It's not surprising that she chose an alcoholic to marry, since her father is one. All of it typically comes down to seeking acceptance from her father, who most likely neglected her as a child. Now her husband is doing this with Suzy. Your friend feels loved by her alcoholic husband, who indirectly is the replacement for the love of her father she never got, likely. Her excuses put her further and further in denial about her cyclical situation, and Suzy is influenced by this, no matter what her age. Please STRONGLY advise your friend to seek counseling if she can, through her insurance or a community health center. She needs to be made aware of her role as the enabler of the situation. Talk to her, let her know your concern, and the impact of the situation on her daughter, fast.

A question or two... 1) Is it more beneficial to do NC for a while in my situation despite the fact he's said the lines of communication are open? If not... 2)I've been planning to call him on Wed. Should I instead wait until he calls?

I know I can't/won't wait around forever to make his decision, but of course I'll always retain hope as I move on, hoping he will have decided to get back together. Currently we're on great terms;we've been making fun of ourselves for the things we said to each other during the breakup. He says he doesn't want me to NOT talk to him for a while. What's a healthy level of contact for me to maintain with him?

Well, I didn't really expect him to call me back. We'd talked about doing so earlier in the night, and he told me he didn't want to lead me on by it. We joked that "exes make mistakes like that all the time!". Though he did mention his feelings for me that night, I'm not putting too much into it, as this is what we'd agreed. What he'd told me when we discussed getting back together, he said "I'm just tired and drained". (He has other stuff going on in his life, compounded by this breakup: friend's father dying, his company is closing down and he needs to relocate to the west coast if he wants to stick with this job, his step-grandmother died the same week as his friend's dad, his brother broke up with his gf of 8 years a week before we did) He told me he's had to come to depend on himself because I wasn't there for him when all this was going on-I was creating space for myself without letting him know how I felt. Now he says he's too emotionally and physically drained to even think about us. He told me he's so drained, it's going to take a long time to heal. He said he WANTS to be able to get back together, but feels he has to protect and look after himself right now. At one point I'd asked him if he'd move without me (we were planning to move to his hometown in the fall-now, for his job). He said, "Would I, or will I?" I wasn't sure what he meant. He then said, "Would I move without you? Yes. I've already though about that. Will I? I don't know." His co. closes next May. I had two picture frames with him in them, which I'd taken down two days before he came by. He took a double take when he noticed they weren't there any more. He said my pics were still up in his apt.

They've tried to get me to go out with them particularly on weekends when he's out of town. He believed they did not want him to come with me when we hung out. He was always invited, but I stopped bringing it up because he felt unwanted. He felt they were people of bad character because they still hung out with the 'jerk' who insulted him. I never saw it that way, but could see how he became so suspicious. So, I'm dying to call him, but I have no idea what he's thinking. Truth is, we played pool last Wed and had a few drinks (in agreement before this that it does not sway his decision) and I stayed the night with him. He told me how much he missed me, we feel so right together, etc. Any ideas what may be going on on his part?

I felt his REactions were in response to my actions. I said one thing, did another. What I did wrong was this. I was not honest with him. Now I feel that if I'd just TALKED to him about it instead of breaking up with him, we could've resolved the issue. But overdramatic me did the extreme, and this is what I regret. If you guys were in my bf's place right now, would YOU take me back? Are my actions and behavior unworthy of forgiving?

Yes, I am very aware that this was my main reason for the breakup-I felt like my wings had been clipped. We talked about our separate opinions about the whole situation, and agreed we'd both reacted ineffectively. HE admitted he was controlling, but said he'd never been in a situation like that before, when I continued to go out without his approval of my friends. He acknowledged that his behavior was pushing me away. I, on the other hand, was wrong as well. He was afraid my friends were trying to break us up, and that he was competing with them for my attention. I was caught in the middle. He wondered at times if I would cheat on him; I told him no, and he trusted me. To appease him and to respect his feelings about these people, I agreed not to hang out with them. Well, I DID anyway. I said this again to him, that I would stop. But they're so much fun and I did NOT feel they were trying to break us up. My little white lies about who I'm hanging out with affected him greatly as well. We know communication and honesty are key, and we're definitely learning from our mistakes.

He began to get very jealous and controlling when I went out with my work friends, whom he does not like. Now I know it was insecurity, which we discussed after the breakup. I began to feel suffocated and trapped; I'd barely been able to go to my apt. and shower on the weekends and have "me" time for a few hours. In turn, I began to lose interest in having sex with him, as I resented him for suffocating me. (Now, I'd give anything for it back...)

Thanks, PlayBrat. I know I've been flaky and indecisive about the whole thing with my bf. Now I know for sure I want him, no question. He'll never have to second guess my love for him, ever again, as I know what it's like to be without him. No more mistakes-I'll check up with him on Wed, and take it from there, good or bad.

OK, I'll wait till Wednesday and see how that goes. Should he call me in between, should I play it cool and not say a word about my feelings for him, or reassure him?

I had a feeling that's what I should ultimately do...I think a lot of posters here want to hear that you SHOULD call your ex after the breakup, as I certainly do. DN, you're SO right and wise. Thank you. My willpower is strong-I'll wait.

Littlepea- Here's what I think: if in the past you have had guys approach you, who then became your bf's, then it won't change. It iwill happen when it happens. It's not because you're too shy or made the wrong impression, it's because those guys weren't right for you. Don't doubt yourself, EVER. Continue being who you truly are, and you'll find your love.

I haven't talked to my bf of 4 yrs. since Wednesday. I feel a STRONG urge to call him right now to see how his weekend out of town went. We broke up a month ago, my decision, I made a mistake, now he needs 'time to heal' but is open to talking with me. I want to be with him again SO MUCH! Is there any harm in calling him, or should I refrain? Is it too soon, or do I look desperate?

Carnatic, in my opinion you should tell her eventually, but not up front, if you don't feel a strong connection with her. DON'T tell her you're a virgin before you have sex-it may scare her, and put a lot of presssure on her. If you're together long enough to feel a connection, then do so-let her know early on in the relationship so she doesn't feel lied to. This will build your confidence the first time, and reduce pressure to perform. To tell you the truth, however (not trying to be contradictory, though, sorry), if you feel she IS understanding and sensitive before you have sex, and you DO feel a strong connection to her, tell her. She'll feel SO special knowing you want her to be your first, if you feel right about it with her.

Thanks, DN. I understand the 'ball is in his court'. He says its OK to contact him, no reservations. He's a conservative, traditional Jewish guy, who sticks with his decisions. According to Jewish tradition, 'actions speak louder than words'. My chief concern is this: he wants to be back together, but has been hurt too much by me and other circumstances in his life. Should I allow him to 'heal' with NC on my part, or continue contacting him through this process? He's an emotional guy, and takes everything I say seriously.

My bf and I haven't talked since Wed, when I spent the night with him. I'm not surprised, I'm OK with it too, as we agreed this would not affect how he feels about me-he wants time to heal. I want to call him, but won't. It's his call, isn't it? I've been reading many posts on here with others in limbo as well. Has anyone been in a situation like this when you broke up with them and later regretted it, only to find they 'need time to heal' and focus on themselves for a while? What was the result? He is unsure when he'll be ready, and I can't wait forever for him!! Any advice about what I should do, how to talk to him, what to say? He says he 'wants to get back together' as he still loves me, but doesn't feel ready yet.

My bf of 4 yrs and I broke up ~1 month ago-my doing originally, then I changed my mind after 1 week apart.. He then said he felt "there was a reason" if I wanted to break up and said he needed more time to heal. We've been talking sporadically since, and played pool/hooked up on Wed., discussing the consequences since. He doesn't want to lead me on by this interaction (we made love and I spent the night with him), and I said OK. His company is closing its doors in Dec. He needs to decide where to move, as his co. is giving him job offers elsewhere. He tells me he 'would' move without me, but will he? He says "I don't know". I asked him if he didn't want me to call him, but he said no, it's ok, you can call me. He's said, "I want this to work with you, but now I have to protect myself." I have no idea what to do. I want to be back with him so much. What should I do to get him back? NC? Or contact him and be friendly with him without commitment?

nu-blue, it sounds like NONE of the problems in the situation are yours. Your girlfriend? has a LOT of hangups with both her mother and the absense of her father. Advice first off: DON'T pretetend that you're the 'father' figure in the absense of his place-it seems that she wants someone like this, but in mu own personal experience, it ONLY ends in failure and feelings of 'domination' and 'control' of the relationsihip if you try to console her lack of a father figure. Instead, take on a sympathetic role-validate and reassure her feelings of inadequacy, and let her know you support her, without ANY other trigger words about her family until SHE brings it up. Obviously, it's a sensitive subject for her. She needs someone there iin her fragile state (you) to tell her she has EVERY RIGHT to believe in her neglect and feelings of lonleniess in being rejected. Assure her htat although those whom she wishes are not there right now, that YOU ARE. capble of followiing through with your goals. and desires, with or without her. And LISTEN to this advice. Come-back relations will come backl to a confident, strong individual. Believe me.

scorchio, you have to decide where your ultimtate love is... If it's with your ex, then you either have to reconcile or have closure so you can continue to move on with this person and give her your all-let her know your situation as welll, FOR SURE, as I'm sure she'll understand, based on her own 'hangups'. PLEASE discuss both of the issues-yours and hers-and address the 'baggage' upfront- you both know what it's like, and ultimately can relate, as you both are in the relatively same situation. HONESTY IS KEY- believe me. You both will relate better in the future if you tell her the truth. PLEASE, BELIEVIE ME. HONESTY IS TRUTH. She'll know, eventually, as will you, if you want to share a life together. Be honest, and ask her, I beg you, scorhio. Please=to avoid both of you getting hurt.

Sorry, just re-read your post.. I''ll wait until he's ready. Thanks for your advice, DN.

DN, should I ultimately wait until he contacts me, since he's the one in limbo, or shoud I do something by way of contacting him??