phishgirl

I agree with EVERYONE else on this post. Honestly, I feel you deserve SO MUCH better than this girl, despite your history. If she's willing to sacrifice everything she's done with you, every moment she's spent with you, to be with this 'guy', she doesn't deserve to have you back. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Someone out there will love you more, treat you better, and admire you, because you are a caring, generous person who expresses dedication beyond the negative circumstances, as witnessed here. She's found her thing, which is not deserving enough for you. PLEASE, find the TRUE love for you and embrace that, not the difficulty you had with your ex. You're more knowledgeable know about what's important in new relationship-EMBRACE WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED!!! You'll find your one. I guarantee.

Thanks, DN. My concern is, if I contact him too much, he'll take my responses for granted. I don't know if I'd be contacting him too much due to his hesitancy to get back together becuause of all his other circumstances. He says that now his decisions are his "own", not "ours", and that he feels that he needs to concentrate on "himself". Any advice?

catfood, it sounds like you're DEFINITELY ready for someone else who will rock your world. Even the fact you THINK hie's gay (a negative characteristic for you, I believe-for you) proves that you may not just be into him either, no matter how he feels abuot you. and perhaps are ultimately loioking for a guy that will satisty your ultmate "male urges". He may be a great guy, but you MUST find a guy-MAN if you will, that will do so. Someone who is DEFINITELY, beyond a doubt, interested in females, and go with it. You can certainly continue to go out with this guy as friends, but it sounds as if perhaps he wouldn't mind so much your attration to a more MASCULINE male. Please, if you are uncomfortable, find someone else, despite your anxiety. You'll never be happy-and trapped-otherwise. Good Luck!

Yes, during our last conversation we talked about all these things. But he says he's hurt and emotionally and physically drained, and doesn't feel he can get back together just yet. He says, "It will take me a long time to heal". I said, I'm willing to wait, but not forever. He acknowleded this and simply said, "I don't know what you should do". God, should I wait or not??

My bf of 4 years and I broke up 1 month ago-my call, originally. We''ve talked to each other since, and on Wed., talked seriously and ended up hanging out later that night and making love, with me staying overnight with him. He was afraid this would mess up his/my healing process, but we both expressed our true love for each other that night. I now realize it was a mistake and want to get back together, but he's the hesitant one, though I'm the one that initiated the breakup. How should I approach him from now on to rekindle our relationship, as he is so hesitant to get hurt again and wanting to protect himself? Should I call him (he said it's OK), or leave him some space? He's dealing with a lot of other issues in his life right now (job loss, friend's father died recently, along with step-grandmother, brother breaking up with his gf of 8 years). I don't want to call incessantly or anything to provide support, as he's become "dependent" on himself since losing me. What can I do?

I broke up with my bf of 4 years because he was controlling. Now, I want him back more than ever because we were so perfect together. Honestly, you REALLY have to consider this first: Do you love her personality? If so, your feelings for her won't change, as this is HER. Weight isn't an issue, because that CAN change, and a little encouragement and straight talk by you will cure this if she loves you and wants to be with you. I regret my decision to break up with my bf, thinking we could've worked things out. PLEASE talk to her first about your issues with her if you're completely willing and WANT to put in the effort to save your relationship IF that's what you truly want. Think long and hard, because if you decide later after you break up that you truly want her there, it will be MUCH harder to rekindle the relationship. Don't let her weight get in your way. Trust only your dedication and love for her.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years almost a month ago. (please bear with me through the long post!) Background: (see my other posts) I'd been feeling trapped in the relationship due to his judgmental criticism about my work friends (whom I liked), who he felt were trying to break us up. In addition, I was no longer sexually attracted to him for months due to my resentment of his control with my social life (though he is an attractive person). However, he is the most considerate, affectionate, family-oriented person I've ever met, which I found very attractive-he is the marrying type, and not afraid of commitment. I know he has insecurities about guys hitting on me when I go out with my work friends, (which I believe is why he had become so controlling). I'm 24, he's 30, and I felt too naive and immature for the relationship at times. He was insecure about my guy friends, but I was unable to communicate effectively during conflicts with him. I ultimately felt undeserving of his knowledge and maturity, and broke up with him. I told him that I felt trapped, and that I loved him but was not in love with him. This happened at my apt.-he didn't want to leave, because when he returned, he would be the "ex-boyfriend". For the next few days after the breakup, he called me daily, wishing I would reconsider. He said, "This is stupid. This is a mistake." I told him I wasn't sure, and that I needed time to think about things.. this was a Thursday I'd told him at that time that I don't communicate well orally, and he suggested I write a letter. I said, "OK, then I will.". He told me the show he was watching on DVR ended in 1 hour, so I have until then to write it (jokingly). I called him 6 minutes short of the "deadline" and he was on the phone with his friend 3 hours away. He called me back 20 min. later asking if I'd finished. I told him, "Yes, but I'm not sure if I want to read it to you", meaning, in the letter I'd expressed my love for him, but wasn't sure if I meant it or not. He inquired further re: the content, and I didn't divulge about its contents. Finally, he said, "Well, I guess I may or may not read it depending on whether you decide to give it to me." I was so indecisive about my decision and fearful about the choice I'd made, I wasn't sure what to do at that point. He then suggested maybe I'd sort throught things better if we didn't talk until I could think clearly about my thoughts about us, and I agreed (with doubts). I thought much throughout the weekend and decided we would possibly be able to work things out-so I called him on Monday and told him so. He said, "So why didn't you call me this weekend? Now I've started to heal,and it's really hard. Now I'm not sure what to do.". He told me he wasn't sure whether he'd be willing to take the risk of getting back together with me, as he felt like "It says a lot about someone's character if they hurt the ones they care about so much. I feel like I don't deserve this, and I'm not sure if I can be with someone who can do this to me." I accepted this and validated his hurt-that he did not deserve this, and I was sorry for hurting him so much, and that I wished I could take it all back. I inquired whether he thought there was a chance for us to work on sustaining our relationship, and he replied, "I just don't know. Maybe I'll read this letter and change my mind tomorrow. Maybe it will be a week, or a month. I just can't give you an answer. I don't think I'm ready to talk about this right now." I became emotional and left. He told me, "You take care of yourself." I was heartbroken. He had asked me to watch his dog this weekend (before this meeting) while he went out of town, so I knew I'd talk to him by Thursday to make plans. Asked him for a "quick hug" before he left on Friday, and he gave me a tight, extended hug. Ultimately, he came to pick up the dog on Sunday and we hung out socially and without emotional flareups for a while. He told me all about his weekend, and stayed for a while, asking me for pics of our previous vacations together. I walked him out, and before leaving, he initiated a hug like the one I initiated before he left. He then told me, "Talk to you later," and left. I still have his apt. key, and he has still not brought up anything about "us". I'm doing NC, as I know this will push him away. He feels hurt by me and unsure of his abiltiy to regain his trust in me because of my original breakup with him. Questions: Do you think we still have a chance of reconcilliation? Does it have any significance that he hasn't asked for his key back yet? (he still has mine as well) If so, is it my responsiblity to contact him, or his to contact me?

I broke up with my long-term boyfriend of 4 years last night. We discussed my feelings of being suffocated and feeling trapped in the relationship due to his dominance of my social life, feelings of being trapped, and poor sexual life with him. He agreed that he'd sensed it based on my actions 6 months ago ( I was spending a lot of time with my male coworkers, out of rebellion of his control over my social life), and we agreed that this was the best decision. I told my boyfriend that I felt suffocated and trapped in the relationship, and that I did not love him as much as he loved me. I told him I loved him but was not sure if I was "in love" with him. I said I felt that I was keeping him out of a chance for true, reciprocal love. My boyfriend responded that he had sensed this, and that it may be a decision that has been felt for a few months for boh of us. In addition, we talked about how I don't feel desire for him and how I don't want to have sex with him anymore because of my ambivalent feelings towards him sexually. He has never fulfilled me in the past in thiis respect, only through him "masturbating me", or whatever the term is. Basically stimulating my clitoris with his hand. I hadn't felt the drive for hiim sexually, basically, and I've been doing the same for him for around two months-I'm not sure to this day if it's a response to his jealousy/dominance over my social life or my antidepresant (Lexapro 10 mg). My boyfriend left work early today because he was so upset, and I spent my own day wondering i f we made the right decision myself. We talked in person later in the day, and by phone later this evening wondering if there's somthing we can change-sexually, social-life wise, and he was willing to adaot to all of these issues. I told him I was still unsure, as I spent most of the day on my work and avoiding thinking of the breakup. He told me point-blank that if I was still "madly in love with him" that we could try to work things out. Being the uncertain, ambivalent, confused 24-year-old I am (he's 30), I told him I wasn't sure. And I'm not. I think of my future without my boyfriend, and all the good times we've had and will continue to have. He seems (and has admitted) to responding to the controlling of my social life because he feels threatened by our status in the relationship, and what I've done to rebel against his controlling nature.. The fact is , I've hung out wth my guy friends enough of make him jealous out of my rebellion of his control over my life. I told him it's not my coworkers specifically that I want to hang out with, it's simply an outlet to my frustrations of being controlled. He's acknowledged this, and is willing to accept this, as long as I inform him of what social situations I'll be in without him. I want a separate social life without him, which I have explained to him tonight, and he accepts this. However, he feels that we're making a mistake by breaking up, and i feel the same. My question remains, however. I currently feel like I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend because I have no desire to. He is very attractive to me, but he has been unfufilling to me sexually since we began intimacy 4 yrs. ago (we met in 2001, I lost feelings iin late 2004, 1 1/2 years after i began my antidepressant). Based on my summary of my boyfriend and my relationship do you all believe that this relationsip is worth working on the sexual aspects of the relationship because of the antidepressant, or is it based on my lack of attraction due to his controlling behavior? I'm terribly confused. Please give me your insight. I told my boyriend I'll call him tomorrow. Thank you for all your responses. Anyone who's been in this situation, please tell me how you've addressed these issues, if applicable. Is my lack of physical attration towards my boyfriend somthing we can work on, or not? Do you think it's lack of sexual desire towards him based on my antidepressants, or is it the underlying problem of my need for experiencing life without him? NOTE; my boyfriend is my first love, and I lost my virginity to him. Thank you everyone!

Jetta, I've read many of your posts. Not just from the "Breaking up" page, but from the "suicide" page as well. It sounds like you're in a point in your life where you feel trapped by both your children, and your desire to have this man in your life. Based on all your responses, I view you as a strong, independent person who is restricted by your current husband and who may or may not feel guilty about your children growing up without a father. I believe that your conflicts with your husband, whether petty or very abusive, may be affecting your children. By your depression, the way you avoid conflict with your husband, and how you manage your children, more or less. Your kids are aware of your mood, no matter how you present yourself to them. Your husband is causing this, for various reasons, and is causing you to react in a passive way, whether it's beating up on you or simply not allowing you the alone, peaceful time you deserve. Jetta, you deserve peace, whether it be mentally or physically. You owe that to your children to be a sane woman. I believe your children may be better off with a single mother who knows who she is and how she'll manage her life, father figure or not. It's damaging to stay with this guy who doesn't respect your basic needs (sleep and piece of mind), and that goes with your children as well. You are seriously better off considering life without your husband-perhaps on a trial separation, if you're afraid, but still, it's a chance you have to take for yours and your childrens' sake. Please go with your gut and make the right decision. You are ultimately the one in charge of yours and your childrens' life happiness. You're a strong woman, and it seems to me that your husband is holding you back from this. Please consider this.

Well, of course first of all, I recommend you get an assessment from your nearest community mental heatlh center. As a case worker for people with mental illnesses, I have experience helping both bipolar and Borderline Personality disorder clients daily, amongst other illnesses. It's difficult to determine the boundary between Bipolar and BPD, as the symptoms are similar. Both have difficulty with decision-making, concentration, racing thoughts, fear of abandonment,dependence on others, etc. One main difference is that typically, those with BPD have a history of sexual abuse mainly, followed by physical and emotional/psychological abuse. As a result, they are unsure of proper boundaries with others and are frequently promiscuous in finding the partner to fulfill their sexual needs. This stems from the sexual abuse-BPD sufferers typically look for ways to find comfort, and their sexual past has made them realize that sexual affection is the proper way to find it. Cutting is another way-BPDs' pain is so great on the inside, they look for physical means to ease the pain, or to stop crying. Now, if you have racing thoughts and your moods change daily at the drop of a hat, you're most likely Bipolar. If your depresssed moods last a long time, and your "okay" moods last a while too, in a longer cycle, you're likely BPD, along with the symptoms I mentioned above. Talk to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or MSW about your symptoms. Note: the psychiatrist I work with can see a client for 10 minutes and gain a good insight to your diagnosis and illness. Don't discount mental health professionals simply because they barely spent time with you. You're not alone. They know others just like you, and based on experience, it's easy to tell your symptoms. Go with it, get on a good mood stabilizer and continue with your Klonopin, Ativan, or Xanax, and find a good, supportive case worker to check up on you. Good luck and FOLLOW THROUGH!

I can relate to you. It took me a while to realize, but it sounds to me like your guy coworker(s) have a thing for you. They are feeling out your relationship and commitment towards your boyfriend, and by asking if you're transferring, they're really asking how committed you are. If you are committed, definitely make this clear to them. If not, remember that relationships with coworkers don't typically end up successful-though I have no idea if you are interested in this guy at work or not. I have a boyfriiend of 4 years, and my guy coworkers ask me about my bf and my relationship all the time, and invite me out without him frequently. From an objective perspective and from experience, your guy coworkers are interested in you and want to hear that you're available, boyfriend or not. Whatever your decision, make it clear that you're committed or not before it goes to far.

I agree with Opiate. It's likely he met someone else when he was spending all that time with his friends. Even if he hasn't, it's time to move on. From your observances of how your boyfriend is behaving, he sounds like he's not ready for a committed relationship with you. And you don't deserve the cold shoulder from him, either. Continue searching for other men to date, and keep him on sidelines, if you're still interested in him. Who knows, maybe he likes the chase, and as he matures more, he'll know that although you're still interested, you're not waiting around for him. Keep your thoughts on school and others that you meet, and address his phone calls when you feel strong enough to accept his indifference. He'll notice the change within yourself, which may draw him back in the end as you venture out on your own.

Has he called you yet? If not, it's time to move on...If he's still interested in you, he would've called you right after the shower, when he told you he would. Perhaps at this moment he's still considering the guilt he's feeling for leading you on into thinking he'd call you right afterwards.... If he said that, he knows he should have called. NOW.... this is a blatant feeling of either: 1: CONFUSION: If he calls you, he doesn't know at this point whether or not he still wants to be with you. He's ambivalent about calling you, meaning he definitely has doubts about his relationship with you. Are these feelings REALLY what you want in a boyfriend? 2: MOVING ON: Oh, my god, I can't believe you're realizing this. Has he met someone else? Or has he come to terms that maybe his life will proceed without you and that he feels he may find happiness elsewhere? I've been on the other side, when I've had a boyfriend who I love deeply, but have decided on the other side-that there are simply too many other opportunities for happiness that I have never experienced without (your name here) Not that it's personal, I feel just that it may be your and your boyfriend's time to spend with others. Perhaps it's time you find out who you REALLY need to be spending time with rather than spending it on one who's continually unsure of your relationship. If you're unhappy with this situation, you are strong-willed and independent enought to move on and find someone worthy of your time and dedication. Good luck to you, though I know you'll be fine.

I feel your loss. I can understand your gilfriend's side-she wants to be on her own, as she as never experienced true life without you. I know she love you as she can, for allowing her to grow confident in herself and able to make her own decisions for her life. You were a part of that growth, and for that, you should be happy for the way she's become-an independent woman. You were the catalyst that allowed her to realized there is much more to life than depending on others. AND....perhaps she'll return to you, once she's gained the knowledge she needs to know she's self-sufficient and able to make her own, independent choices without your advice. Believe me, she values her relationship with you more than you'll ever know, but in a different, coming-of-age way. Let her go for now, and realize for herself that you're the one for her. Until then, let her go and come to this realization by herself. Only then will you realize that the relationship-with both of you FINALLY at the same level-will heal and at last, develop, should she ultimately choose so.

Hello, this is my very first post! I have been contemplating breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years for a few months now. My boyfriend told me around a year ago that he wants to move back to Chicago where he's from. I have much ambivalence about this and am unsure what to do. We met when I was 20 and in college, he was 25 and working full-time. I had a crush on him for a few months before calling him, and due to schedule conflicts, we had our first date 3 months later. At first, the age and lifestyle difference bothered me, and I felt naive about his world, the "real world", and felt unknowledgeable in many ways. I felt so lucky to have him, though! I was inatuated with his confidence, approachabilty, and talkativeness. He was perfect, and I knew I loved him from the start. 2-3 years went by perfectly, and I knew I wanted to marry him. There were a lot of interfaith conflicts throughout the beginning, however, as he is a Traditional Jew and I'm non-religious (a shiksa?! ) A big no-no for Jews. His family took two years to accept me, though this was never an issue for my boyfriend, as he wanted to be with who he loved. I contemplated converting and kept kosher for a while, but have ultimately decided that I don't want to be religious. This was a shock to him, though he knew of my ambivalence the whole time-I think he was in denial. Note: My boyfriend is my first everything. I never dated much, as I was overweight until up till I met him and never felt comfortable with my body). I've changed a lot throughout the past four years, and feel like my independence is being stifled in a way, and I think of all the dating and independence I missed out on. I've wanted to live in Seattle since high school, and he said he'd never move there because it's too depressing and because he wants to be near his family. I feel controlled and that I'm letting him lead my life in a way, though he always says everything he does and thinks about he has me in mind. I feel stagnant at times and have lost my desire for him, though I love him so much. I can't imagine my life without him, but I feel that I don't love him as much as I should, because I always think of what I'm missing. How do I sort through this, and how do I decide? Thanks everyone.