catfood

Well, what does that say about you? To me, it says that you're willing to degrade yourself for your man. Because you're placing the blame on yourself: he's bored, he's a young guy, whatever, he cheated (or at least is planning to). thereforeeee, I've got to go the extra mile to please him. I don't think that's healthy. As was said before, if he were a man about it and said that he was getting a little bored, that would be one thing. But to reward his immature, selfish behavior like that...I just don't agree. I would never "fight" for a man who wants to cheat on me...it's simply not worth fighting for.

Bethany, I've gotta disagree. This guy was way out of line. Why should he benefit from her going the extra mile to please him? It was HIS fault, not hers. If she puts up with it, and even goes overboard trying to please him, he will only cheat more and it will wreak havoc on her self-esteem. I'm really sorry this happened to you - better you found out now than later. Leave him, or at the very least, go into NC for a while until it really hits him and he realizes how much he screwed up.

Ugh. I spent a year in a relationship with a guy who would turn every insecurity or self-image problem back around on me. He would call me every day and want to hang out, and I got accustomered to that. And to be honest, I'm a private person and though I have dozens of "friends", I only have a few (maybe 2 or 3) true friends that I can really open up to. So anyway, I rather enjoyed the kind of intense relationship we had and didn't have a problem seeing him on a near-daily basis. Then, he would begin to stand me up. Cancel our plans, even long-standing ones. He had no interest in my friends or my family. He wanted me around for comfort when he wasn't doing anything else, but if a male friend called he would quite literally take off at that moment, regardless if we had dinner plans or anything. I got sick of this. I also got sick of his "take it or leave it" attitude. I literally could not bring up any sort of problem, or anger at being stood up or else he would call me needy and talk about how damaged I was. On the other hand, if I ever wasn't available (or just didn't care) to hang out, he would accuse me of being moody or whatever. So, finally I broke up with him in July, I think to "prove" once and for all that I didn't need him. Several weeks went by and he called me at all house, drunk, crying occasionally, wanting me back. He would write me sappy emails, like the ones I used to write and to which he would simply respond, "Grow up" or something equally mean. I felt bad. The night we were all out with a group of friends and he started crying in the bar when I refused to go outside and talk was what did it for me. I realized that despite everything, I still loved him, and I couldn't bear to hurt him anymore. He told me all the things he would do to fix our broken relationship. He had reprioritized his life, he realized that he pushed me away, and he needed to show me that he cared. I told him that while we were broken up, I had kissed someone twice (he wasn't exactly a saint while we were broken up either). He was enraged, throwing things, etc. and took off. A few hours later, he shows up at my house (drunk, natch) and *poof* we're back together. For about three weeks, things really were magical. He took me on a fishing trip he'd been promising all summer. We did "couple" things, and I truly felt loved. But now, everything is the same. Oh! Except for one complicating factor. We're buying a house together, a rash decision made during the honeymoon phase. When I told my dad I was buying a house with X, he said, "Who's X?" As in, my father didn't know the name of the man I'd been dating for over a year. Through no fault of my dad; X has expressed no desire, contempt even, to hang out with my family. We always hang out with his friends. I know all of his friends very well. My sister, who I'm the closest too and whom I see about three times a week, has met him maybe three times. It's mind boggling to think about him being that close to someone and me never having met them. He just has no desire to. So, here I am, back to being a doormat. I'm a smart person, so I'm painfully aware of my problem. I just don't know how to fix it, or if it's fixable. I don't want to give up on the relationship yet, and I'm very excited about our forthcoming home. I just don't want to be miserable forever, but right now, I basically am. I am dead last on his list of priorities and I don't know how to be the type of girl that doesn't care. I know this is all over the place. Help, please!

Thanks, DN, for the good suggestions. Unfortunately there's no chance in the world he would see a doctor, or even discuss it with me. (Unless I break up with him again, which I'd really rather not do.) Ugh, stuck I guess. I really doubt he was abused, but don't know for sure. Oh, and for anyone who might suggest this: he's not cheating on me, I'm certain of that.

Hi, My boyfriend doesn't ever want to have sex with me. I'm in my mid-20s and he's in his early 30s. We've been together a year, and the sex has never been frequent or great. Actually, I broke up with him about a month ago, citing that as one of our issues and he promised it would be different. Prior to me actually dumping him though, he refused to talk about it, and when I "forced" him, (bad in retrospect, I know) he blamed it on me and got super defensive (basically labeling me a wh*** for wanting it). So anyway, he finally approached me during our break up and acknowledged that it was a problem. That he was tired, stressed, etc. through much of our relationship and that things would be different. They're not. I have to come on to him, there's little or no foreplay ever, and he never looks at me like he's attracted to me. I can't explain it...but I know that "look" when I get it, and I dont' think I've ever gotten it from him. Or any suggestive touches, or anything. I'm not unattractive. I'm told that I'm quite good-looking actually. 5'4", 130 pounds, semi-athletic, blonde, big chest... I should add that when we do have sex, his eyes are always closed and he doesn't really like to touch me. Is he gay? Asexual? You might wonder what I'm doing in a relationship if I suspect my b/f is gay...but he's so great in every other way I'm tempted to put my needs aside here. I do realize, however, that that's not viable in the long term. Help!!! Anyone?

I did, thank you! He's fine. I played it cool, and he said there was some long story as to why he didn't call. Hmmm...? Oh well, at least I know he's fine and I have nothing to worry about. Thanks everyone.

Because I'm concerned about him. Like I said, it's a remote location, and I have no idea where he's staying, etc. I guess in that sense, I can be a bit controlling. I'm not suspicious of him being dishonest with me, I guess I just took a lot of comfort in those "goodnight" calls when we're apart (as does he), so for him to take that away is bothering me. Unless of course, he's in trouble or something....

Hi - thanks for the replies. To answer some questions, no, I have no reason to be suspicious that he's seeing anyone or anything like that. I trust him completely, which is why this is so STRANGE. And yes, I'd like to be cool and give the guy a break, but I can't help but remind myself that if the tables were turned and I was traveling and didn't call, he would be soooooo angry. That's all. It's just not our style. And I can't text him because his phone is off, and we don't text anyway.

Hmmm...well, thanks Hubman, though I'm not exactly at home pining away. I am busy, with a more-than-full time job, a home, friends, and activities. I'm just concerned and weirded out about the break in routine. And true, he may be busting **s to get home early, but it would still seem that he could make the time for a two minute phone call before bed. He always has before. Who knows? You are right though, I need to keep my focus where it belongs. Right now, at work.

Okay, (relatively) minor problem, but it's totally consuming me today!! My boyfriend travels occasionally on business, to remote locations. Whenever either one of us has ever been out of town, we always call each other AT LEAST once a day, and at least to say goodnight. I recently traveled on business, and we called each other probably 4-5 times a day, which is normal for us. And always, always before bed. In our over one year together, we've never NOT done this. So anyway, he left Monday night to a remote (but still accessible via phone) location. And he hasn't called. It is driving me nuts! His phone is off, and I don't know where he's staying. With a little research, I could figure out where he's staying and track him down, but I don't really want to be that girl. He's accused me before of being needy - maybe he's testing me or something? I don't know, I know this is a relatively minor problem, but it's driving me insane. I woke up in the middle of the night last night after realizing that he never called to say goodnight and I didn't really get a good sleep after that. I'm concerned and freaked out. He's due back either Thursday or Saturday, depending on how work goes, and I have no idea how it's been. What's a girl to do?

I'm sorry for being so blunt, but could you please read what you just wrote and ask yourself if that doesn't sound nuts? Girl, you've got to stand up for yourself and dump this loser. No, don't "test" him. Make it for real. Even the fact that he thinks that he could cheat on you constantly and you wouldn't break up with him is enough reason. That and the mean words and everything else. I suspect that you logged on, in part, to hear what you already know deep down. FORGET HIM!

Thanks so much, everyone! djedix - your point is right in line with his viewpoint. I can tell that a part of him even questions whether or not our break up had to do with this guy - IT DID NOT. He's also feeling kind of hurt thinking that our mutual friends didn't tell him about it. Well, they didn't because there was honestly nothing to tell. He's said a few times that he just doesn't want to be made into a fool (meaning we get back together and he finds out later that we slept together or something and everyone knows but him). He's also concerned that I'm being rash about my decision to want to be with him (ie, how could I hang out with this guy and just a few days later want my ex back?). Don't have a good explanation for that, but I believe with ever fiber of my being that we should be together! I've been truthful to him and hopefully he'll look at the big picture. Either way, I'm feeling really at peace right now because I know that if he can't get past his pride and hurt feelings, he might not be the right guy for me. One question though: is there anything I can do to help "convince" him? Regardless of whether or not I am at fault, I do sincerely feel bad for hurting him. And I want to show him that I'm sincere and that I'm committed to making it work with us. However, I don't want to be too lovey and overbearing...that always seems to turn him off. So, any suggestions??? THANK YOU

Hi, I'm feeling so low. I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago, for good reasons. We had been together a year, but he was pushing me away, we never talked about a future together, and he was beginning to take me for granted and treat me poorly. I see now how my actions contributed to those bad times. And Saturday, after returning home from a trip, he broke down and confessed a lot to me. He obviously did some soul searching, and we discussed changes he planned to make in his life, some of which didn't even involve me but we very positive! Up until that point, I had been pretty steadfast in my decision to end things. However, I truly believe we have both learned a lot and reprioritized. And, I am crazy in love with him, and I know that he loves me. Here's the problem: during that month, I began "hanging out" with a mutual acquaintance, and we did get a bit romantic, and I kissed him. Things never went farther than that, and it never felt right. I guess I was trying my best to "move forward" with a great guy, who on paper, would be a perfect match for me. This was causing me so much stress. I felt like I was deceiving my ex in some way, as he had been making it clear that he wanted me back, and I didn't tell him about the other guy. Finally, on Sunday, after a rollercoaster weekend, I called the "other guy" and told him I was still in love with my ex and that I couldn't see him anymore. Then, I called my ex and asked for him back. I told him about the other guy, and of course he flipped. He immediately called mutual friends to make sure I was being truthful, and he started remembering "strange" things that had happened over the past few weeks, some of which could be explained by me "seeing" this other guy, and some of which were just his imagination driving him crazy. He got extremely angry at first, but calmed down and agreed to take me back. He's still not over it though, and I can tell he's constantly questioning my trustworthiness. Let me add that I have always been 100% trustworthy during out relationship, it was only when we broke up that I started thinking I should try to move on. Guys: what do you think? Think he can get over this? He's a jealous person. He's trying to be sweet and kind and not beat me up over it, but I can tell it's eating him up inside. Any input is appreciated!

Yay!!! Thanks everyone! I was seriously considering giving up on him, thinking we didn't have any chemistry. But then last night, he apparently got up the guts and I was apparently giving off the right signals, because we ended up kissing for over an hour. He's great - I can vouch: shy guys are great in the physical department!!! Very patient, not pushy, but sexy at the same time. Thanks again, everyone.

Thanks, DN, that's good advice and certainly sounds like the most logical thing to do. The only problem is that he's SO nervous that it freaks me out at the same time. I don't even know how to be flirty around him...it's just not flowing naturally and we're both scared out of our wits!!