sandela

How does anyone deal with the time apart? After reading some of the posts I see that alot of you don't have it scheduled twice a month for example. I sometimes have a hard time dealing with regular down time (without my kids) but I can't help but brood over our arrangement and wishing it would change now. Yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel but if I'm dying inside now what will I be like months from now?

After 2 months, I am still clinging to the hope that it will keep going as long as there is trust and mutual feelings. There's a "plan" which is that he doesn't plan on leaving the area where his kids' live. They're 16 and 18 and live with their mom. He's active in their lives. So after they're in college (a year or two) from now he's free to make his own decisions on who he wants to spend his life with and where. Hopefully I can be a part of that plan. Thinking about doing this for two years scares me - I do have moments where I am depressed and feel like I need to see him all the time.

It's hard to do when the man you are crazy about is so far away. I just entered into my LDR. Met on line, talk on the phone every night and see each other every couple of weeks. We're alot older than you (40's); we've both been married and we both have kids. Mine are still young (11 and 14) and his are 18 (going to college in the fall) and 16. My guy has told me he's got a plan (mostly for himself and his kids) that he's free once the last child is in college. He wants to settle down after they are all in college. He lives for his kids. He sounds like an excellent dad. Anyways....the plan....one to two years is a long time for me. I live in Canada and him in the US (6 hour drive). I am constantly asking myself "can I do this"; "is this insane". Although still too early to tell if I am part of the "plan". I would like to be since we are growing closer as time passes and of course when we see each other. I am willing to take the chance but I also know that I can't hurry this up any further and I can't live my life at home waiting and doing nothing. I know I still need to enjoy my life when we are in between visits. I have to say that is my biggest struggle because I miss him so much.

The main thing is are you happy with your decision? If you are that's all that matters. Many people do not support me either. I know how you feel when you say "you know, you know". I met my boyfriend who lives in Ohio (I'm from Canada) on line in January and I can honestly say I felt it even before we met. We just clicked on the phone easily and then when we met it just worked. My friends tell me to look for someone closer but I can't even imagine doing that. I am following my heart and I think you should too. I know there are going to be roadblocks when we want to see each other - I just don't know how bad it will get. We've both been previously married and have children - so ultimately they rule on the times we get to see each other. So I guess for now or until he shows me he is not interested I will take it as far as it can go. We're nuts about each other - I constantly hold that thought in my head and heart. He left this morning to drive home, tough day but I promised no tears in front of him and we had a lovely goodbye and two beautiful days together. I can't ask for more at this time but keep the thoughts of some day soon. Take care. S

We met online in the middle of January. I drove two hours or so to meet him (he also had to drive about the same distance to meet me). Everything went - felt like the school girl. Then I saw him again less than a week after that. He drove from Dayton to Ontario on a Sunday afternoon and left a day later. When he left nothing was mentioned when we would meet up the next time. Kind of a weird feeling but I guess you just have to get over it. He does business in Detroit so he works it out that I will come meet him for the evening, stay over and rush like mad to get to work. One weekend (he came down here) was planned. It was great! Then the next weekend I was invited to come down on the Saturday and stay until late Sunday afternoon. Worked out well except for not a word about the next time. So this weekend may or may not be worked in to business in Detroit, otherwise it will be just one night. We both have kids. We happen to be in sync of when we have our kids on the weekends and when we don't. So after babbling away here what I want in reality is to get together every other weekend. How do you ask something like this when everything is so new? Maybe I am rushing things a bit or expecting too much too soon.

Is it unreasonable to know at least a month in advance of which weekends my boyfriend and I are going to see each other. I've seen him two weekends in a row which was great. But as to this date I don't know when I will see him next. I know that his weekends with his children aren't are regulated as mine. Sometimes we meet half way if a business trip comes up. The thing is I just dont know and don't get inclings of when. Should I make an issue of this?

I went to my boyfriend's home this past weekend. It was my first time there (we're new at this relationship). So I'm looking around just checking the place out. At some point I notice on a table a piece of paper that said "Couples Counselling" with 4 names on it and not only that I could tell it was written by a female. Yes I am a generally snoopy person but this was out in plain view. I didn't mention it but today its been on my mind immensely. Do I come right out and ask what it means or given him the benefit of the doubt. I feel pretty secure that he isn't seeing anyone else but this piece of paper is nawing at me. What should I do?

Hi, I read your posting and can really relate to how you're feeling. There are days where you will find that you're having insecure feelings. I'm so sure that she has told you or written to you how much she cares about you. Go back to those thoughts, re-read the emails/letters and relive the moment when you first heard all those good thoughts and really keep them in your heart. I know the feeling of "what if they've changed their mind" but I think you have try to let go of those if's - hopefully your dream will come true.

Hi, I'm 41 have been separated for almost 3 years and I have two early teenage kids. I have not had the greatest luck in romance. I met a guy on the internet that lives 6 hours away from me (I live in Canada and he lives in the US). Our first meeting, that went very well, was done half way between our two cities. Just prior to that I should add that we had speaking on the phone constantly every night for at least an hour. Second meeting took place last Sunday. He drove to my city, we had dinner out and he left late afternoon on Monday. Nothing has changed as far as phoning goes. I like this person and this person also likes me (I only know that because he told me). I keep thinking about the distance and how it will eventually get in the way. I wanted to talk to him about it early enough to know whether or not I should cut my losses. I realize that we are no where to even begin thinking about moving. So I'm being realistic about that. He also has older teenagers but still has on and off weekends like I do. But of course we are on opposite schedules. I think this can be worked out in time. What this note is all about is what about the time in between - us not seeing each other (conflicts in schedules, work, committments, all sorts of things). These things will be roadblocks for us. Another question how much time in a month should I be seeing him/epecting to see him every other weekend (assuming one of us changes the schedule with the kids)? At what point should I start to worry that this type of relationship is just a convenience of not having someone around all the time. Do I even think about that? As it stands now I won't see him for another three weeks? Is that too long? Is he giving me the run around? Need advice badly. Thanks to anyone who reads this. S P.S. Does this mean you have to talk on the phone every single night?

Hi, I'm 41 have been separated for almost 3 years and I have two early teenage kids. I have not had the greatest luck in romance. I met a guy on the internet that lives 6 hours away from me (I live in Canada and he lives in the US). Our first meeting, that went very well, was done half way between our two cities. Just prior to that I should add that we had speaking on the phone constantly every night for at least an hour. Second meeting took place last Sunday. He drove to my city, we had dinner out and he left late afternoon on Monday. Nothing has changed as far as phoning goes. I like this person and this person also likes me (I only know that because he told me). I keep thinking about the distance and how it will eventually get in the way. I wanted to talk to him about it early enough to know whether or not I should cut my losses. I realize that we are no where to even begin thinking about moving. So I'm being realistic about that. He also has older teenagers but still has on and off weekends like I do. But of course we are on opposite schedules. I think this can be worked out in time. What this note is all about is what about the time in between - us not seeing each other (conflicts in schedules, work, committments, all sorts of things). These things will be roadblocks for us. Another question how much time in a month should I be seeing him/epecting to see him every other weekend (assuming one of us changes the schedule with the kids)? At what point should I start to worry that this type of relationship is just a convenience of not having someone around all the time. Do I even think about that? As it stands now I won't see him for another three weeks? Is that too long? Is he giving me the run around? Need advice badly. Thanks to anyone who reads this. S

I enjoyed reading how both of you have seemed to have "soldiered on" (as my counsellor would say). Although since my break up (and the NC just stopped) I didn't have anything good to say to him. Its been since May - I was feeling at complete peace with myself until I initiated contact last week. We've seen each other and have a date on Saturday. Already I'm feeling the anxiety and the insecurities I felt before during the relationship as I was the one who could express feelings in words and in actions. I need words along with actions - apparently the actions were there but I know I didn't hear what I wanted. And I knew none of it was as much as I what I was feeling. I really meant for this email to be for you that have trudged on and are do well....Congrats to both of you! P.S. Did the psychic thing too - nothing was every infavour of ex - and supposedly I was supposed to find my true love in the spring and in August. Ya right!

I agree don't go to the party or parties for a bit knowing he'll be there. Surely there will be lots of opportunities where you will miss each other. But I know the feeling of when you're there you'll feel on guard and always looking over your shoulder.

It's true - no contact is really the only only way to get through a break up. I just went thru this in May. We didn't share too many friends so I don't know what that would be like. He's not friends with the other couple we hung out with. I however am still good friends with the woman from the couple. But truly if you don't have any contact - it makes it easier day by day. I know it feels like you're never going to stop crying or that things will ease up - they do. I also thought getting back into a relationship would help get over it - it didn't. I've even been talking online to a guy in California for the last couple of months - now I am going to visit in August - another story. With my breakup - I was with a man who had this "cave" thing going on with him. He was a man with some issues - some of which have been resolved. But his reasoning for breaking up with me and continuing to be broken up was he wanted to be alone. I had no choice - I could not make a fool of myself by tracking him down etc - I'm 41 and he's 55 - I knew I had to act like an adult even though I felt like a child in so much pain. I guess I'm re-living the memory and realize that what just has happened is not smart of me. I did grow stronger. Friends were there to help and to keep me occupied. And of course I have two boys who need me. Each day does get easier if you stick your guns. I just made a huge mistake or something that could put me back where I was months ago. Since it had been well over 6 weeks and thought I was doing ok because distractions, I emailed him pictures of his garden and home from early spring with just a friendly note. Another friendly note from him came back. It went back and forth a few times and then I said "hey I am open to getting together just to talk about everything and nothing". I didn't expect I would get the call so soon but when he wanted to see me I went. At the beginning it was fine, I felt in control of my emotions. But it was like he was acting like nothing had happened or that we were on a short break – he would try to kiss me and hug me like before – I didn't respond. He told me he missed me. I guess eventually we started to feel close again and like we were getting back together. We had a wonderful night and I thought we were together and starting fresh. When I went to ask or rather confirm this things – what I got back was I am not ready to analyze any of this – I just want an uncomplicated and simple relationship. I won't deny that is what I was hearing long ago before break up – but now cause I thought some issues he dealt with were done – we were making progress. I guess through all my rambling what I am trying to say is that I am back to where I am weeks or months before we broke up. We had been together since last September. We are no where close to what I want but again I'm still hanging on and giving it another chance. Maybe he is not so relationship shy and hoping I'm the one that he wants to spend most of his time with. Now its like back to "dating" – where you hope for the call or where you decide should you call or not call. I'm going to have to put the breaks on – should never have made contact . I will go thru another whirlwind of a relationship or whatever it is again. This will now just put me through the same struggles as bfore. Soooooo…leave it alone and tell him not to bother you any more, don't take his calls. Hope this makes you feel that you're not the only one out there. We've all touched this before and I know what you're going through is not easy at first.

Ok the letter has been sent. He's had at least a day to have read it and digest it. I know you said we're giving him a week to make some kind of move. Is there even a need to make the finalization call? Do I need to make the call next week to see if he's really thinking finalization? Basically have I done all I can possibly do to get this man back? Am I at a place where the NO CONTACT rule (if rules like this exist) should be enforced? Or do I try one more time at the end of this week? Dying inside.....

Its hard. All I'm told is that we have to walk the path of pain and healing. And I'm told not to dwell and to keep busy and of course NC. None of this is easy. I'm right beside you.

I can't tell you how much I know what you're going through. I have my story under "He Dumped Me" so I know the pain you're feeling. All that you've described about him be so unemotional and distant and knowing that you shouldn't be in this relationship because you can't see yourself dealing with this years from now...It was the same way I thought before breaking up. I did everyhting I could to be the ONE. Although it wasn't me who did the break up - it was him - doesn't feel any better either...I'm going the premise that my friends are saying "its a blessing in disguise". What saddens me is that our birthdays are coming up and I have dreaming about how we'd spend it together and it would be romantic, etc. Well not only is he on the Corporate Challenge Team - its the same day as my birthday - he won't be with me to share my "dream". Aside from that now we are broken up I will be extrremely sad and devestated that we didn't get to share our birthdays together. I will feel extreme loneliness and heart ache probably more than now. I guess I am one of those crazy people who thinks her birthday is a special day just as I think anyone's' birthday is special and I would do anything to make it special for them.

Its almost a week of my relationship breaking up. I spent my whole day on Saturday lying on the couch crying and sleeping. When I finally had to go out to see my son's hockey game suddenly everything changed. I started to feel better that I was out of the apt and almost out of the funk. I finally sent him an apology letter last night that he should have got by now. I guess now will be the hard part and that is waiting. I'm still hurting so badly inside but yet have soooo much hope and really hope the letter I sent will help turn things around. I figure by the end of next week - if I haven't heard from him well then its REALLY AND TRULY over and no way of reconciliation. So a week from now I will have to start looking at this from the beginning, starting the greiving process all over again right from day 1. Even though I think the letter is good, with the help of a friend, I don't know if its enough to change his thinking. I can't go on like this. I've been through so much heartache in the last two years, my separation, and two break ups with b/f's. I don't know how much more I can take. If it ween't for my two sons I'd be gone but I know that I can't hurt them by taking my life. So even though I am at such a hard place now - having them close by is helping me. It's really hard when your life lines (friends) are unavailable to be there to listen to you and just keep coaching. The good thing is neither of them are giving me false hope - so I give credit to them for being honest. I really need that. Thanks for listening

Buzz I can pretty much relate to how you feel. I too am in the midst of writing a letter to my ex-guy. Glad to hear that hand writing it will be better than email. Its so tough when you really don't know whether you're coming or going; how long to hang on for or even being friends is the best route just to keep him close by. I'm being told no contact and for me its only been 4 days. Our birthdays are in two weeks and there was supposed to be a BBQ party made for us by his son on June 9th. Crossing my fingers that by then the so called "taking a break" is over and not permanent. His son works at a restaurant in town and am kinda thinking about going to dinner with a girlfriend and catching up with him way before the supposed BBQ - won't tell him anything I'm just waiting to see if he'll bring it up. And of course he won't know about the break and he'll tell his dad he saw me. I know it sounds lame for a 40 yr old woman hoping that son will play this up for me without knowing it. Like I said I know the pain and its only been 4 days.

It's been 4 days of almost hell. I almost quit a new pt job last night before I even got there because I didn't think I'd hold up well. Lucky for me it was not so bad. My biggest mistake was going out afterwards to meet after the Knights game. Only had a couple of drinks and thought hey I am ok - we're all having fun and I figure this is what my free time will be like on the weekends. Woke up this morning with a big hole in me. Emptiness, longing, pain, hoping - these are just some of the words that describe what I feel like. I was told it was best not to have a drop of alchohol while trying to deal with this pain and now I know what it does. Makes you feel worse and of course its Friday and I have to work today. Came sooooo close to calling in sick for the second time this week. Just wanted to sleep the day away until my kids come home tonight. But I made it here and will probably just plug through and also read from here to gain some strength. This pain has to go away. PLEASE tell me it will.

I know where you're coming from...my b/f just broke up with me 4 days ago and its hurting so bad. The best thing that I have been told (although I don't know if it feels the best right now) is to have no contact. With him being away on business til Sunday is a blessing in disguise for me - I can't pick up the phone. Everyone says wait it out - you'll know one way or the other if its meant to be. Try not to be so hopeful - it screws your head too much.

Hi, I better clarify something - I didn't leave my ex-hubby for exb/f (J). I've only been with J since last September and my marriage was already over a year before that. Thanks for the advice!!!! Will read and reply later after I get into work. S

I've been in different forums looking for different answers. I've got some great replies - especially from DN -. Well after all the insecurities I have been livign with for the last month have just ended last night. My ex-guy and I went out to a beach town in Ontario. A town that now haunts me because my ex husband has a place there and there are so many good memories. I really tried to let it go and say "hey I can go this place and not feel sad". It was Sunday - very cloudy and slightly rainy. We all sat in the cottage for hours and hours talking and drinking. I will say that I may have consumed much alcohol but was pacing and so thereforeeee not drunk. We went out for dinner in town. Got out of the restaunt now feeling the alcohol and looked straight at the mini putt place and got so sad about my children. I took it to the extreme that I felt I betrayed them by leaving their dad. We're driving home, the ex-b/f and I, and I have a complete meltdown about how I felt about how my kids lives will be, etc etc mostly the woe is me kinda thing. The ex b/f hardly speaks, barely listens I'm sure and dumps me the next day because he feels that my emotions challenged him and does not want to be in that space again. Tells me initially he just wants time away but I push and push then he says "you have pushed me too far and now I don't want any contact or any email from you". I know he means it - so I guess I have to respect that. It's all my fault. Feels weird because I haven't cried since 1 pm today. What does that mean? Am I healing? Am I in denial? How do I get over this man because I believe in my heart he will never return. What is the best way to heal?

I've been living that way for most of the relationship I think. I have basically just gone along with things and thinking of it in a way of taking it slowly and whatever happens happens. So in other words I am happy for awhile and then insecurities invade me. As far as courage goes - NO I DON'T HAVE ANY COURAGE? I am afraid that I will never stop crying and that I will feel like I have made a mistake for walking away. He's always said to me "if anyone leaves this relationship first it will be you". He strangely just called me at work to invite me for dinner - is this a time to talk to him? Should I have said I am busy all night?

DN, I know I can't do that - I don't have the guts to be honest with you. Just wish I could live my own life with him in it but not have him as my primary focus. Geez there are so many times when he is my whole focus when I am with my two boys. I should stop being so selfish. I know marriage will never be something that he wants. I think and I know from words before, that he likes the ways things are which is seeing me when he can and having a good time with me when we are together. I don't mean "good time" as being just a sexual thing - we do have a good time just talking and having dinner or watching TV or a movie.

I know he doesn't think about the future of relationships and not too much dwelling of it and other things. He spent most of his weekend in the "cave" [and he says he's not depressed] and says he could NOT return two of my calls [this was a child weekend for me where I knew I was not going to see him until Sunday night for a concert] because he was in the cave and could not bring himself to return anyones phoen calls. I was slightly miffed and so before the concert I was honest and said "you know if you're in the "cave" I still think it would be courteous to call me and tell me you're in there. He said that that is a very difficult thing to do - doesn't want to feel the rejection. I made my point clear and was very good about it and he agreed and didn't feel any conflict and said he would try to do it but can't guarantee it. He is a distant man and I have trouble bringing private or sensitive things out into the open because he is guarded. I don't know what to do or how to feel or what to say. I really can't tell how much he likes me. Sometimes I feel like I am just a convenience factor. I co-parent two kids under the age of 13 and have every other weekend "off". So naturally I want to spend all my "off" time with him - I want to get closer - I want us to be closer. When and how do you realize its not going to happen? I mean we know we can't see into a crystal ball but how and when do I know its time for me to walk away? You have to understnad I'm scared adn I don't like being alone. I'm afraid I'll be alone for the rest of my life. What does one do with a man who is so guarded about his feelings. It's not so much that I am looking for the words "I love you" cause I know its not there from him. Do I just keep seeing him and enjoying his company fully or thinking that there is nothing down the road? I've asked that question before and the answer is "I don't look down the road into the future so I can't tell you what you want to hear." If I feel that the best thing to do is walk away - HOW WILL I HEAL AND GET OVER HIM?"