blueyes25

My parents have a 10 year age gap and they have been happily married for almost 25 years...I think they had there differences, but they truly are best friends. My dad says my mom keeps him young. Ha! I don't know if this helps, but I guess I am telling you this to let you know that it can definitely work.

Yeah - I wondered about the tiny cheap apt myself - but am trying to find a healthier situation - I don't want to seclude myself and I do not want to get depressed - or at least not seriously depressed. I am trying to be ok - but I don't belong anywhere - I feel like I have no home. I have had people who have really reached out to me and offered a safe place to land for the time being...which really helps - but I just feel unstable. It is time to leave work and I have to go back to "home" - or what is left of my home. Thank goodness I have plans tonight. That way I won't be there for hours - only to try and sleep I guess. Tomorrow, I am staying at a friends after yoga - so tomorrow should be a bit easier. I feel sad and apprehensive - I don't want to go home. I just pray that I get through this in the fastest way that I can and that my body will allow me to.... Thanx for the posts, everyone

Thank you all so much for your responses. I have no intentions of trying to "get my ex back". To me, there is no point in that. I have accepted that much. I cannot be with him at this time in my life. He does not want to be with me in that way. We have not been mean to each other - and the kindness is definitely there. I can't imagine going through this in any different way. I am stuck here right now and that is very difficult. I am trying to find a place to live, but it has only been 4 days and it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I feel very disorientated and displaced...like I am homeless b/c I don't feel as though I belong anywhere. I am trying hard to find a place to live and when I do, I think I will feel a bit better. For now, I have to deal with the situation at hand. I try not to be at home (for lackof a better word) any more than I have to. I have been sleeping on peoples couches to avoid staying here. We still check in with each other for courtesy. I have friends and I am trying to stay busy.I am, but there are just times like today when I feel awful and I have to let the feelings hit me- I can't not acknowledge them all of the time. That is part of grieving right? I hate this feeling - I literally feel like a piece of me died. There is some light b/c I know from reading this forum and from friends that many have gone through this and been better people b/c of it. I just miss him so much and hate thinking of a life without him - that is why I have to try and stay in the present - it doesn't hurt quite as much as looking out in front of me and feeling scared and lonely.

My relationship is over - and that is just it - it's OVER! There is no drama for me to tell you about b/c I know that there is not a lot of hope. There is no looking back and I have no regrets. The relationship had stagnated. I feel like I have been fighting for it for months and I could not be in it alone. He had somewhat checked out anyway. He has a history of sexual abuse in his past and has been back and forth with therapy and everythign else. He says he loves me and is in love with me - as much as he can be, but that he knows he can't go any further. I guess when someone essentially tells you I love you, but love is not enough to overcome my own problems - well, you kind of know that it's just not going to work. They have checked out or have gone as far as they are willing to go - and that is all. I know I was not happy either - I was often confused and I started to feel lonely and then I started needing reassurance that just wasn't there...it was just not a good situation. He told me that he owes me everything - he says that if it wouldn't have been for me, he would have never have had the courage to try therapy, try facing himself etc. Well, it's been a battle for him - and he starts and quits b/c he gets scared of the things he remembers etc. This will be a part of him forever and it's not something that will change quickly. My heart felt even worse when he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said that he doesn't even know if he will ever be able to overcome it and that he is so afraid. He says he cannot stay in the relationship and I know I cannot stay either b/c I am unhappy and feel I deserve to be with someone who can give as much as I give. My challenge is that I do not know how to cut somone out of my life that has had such a profound impact. There is no anger, bitterness, or nastiness between us - just a profound mutual repsect and love. It really is so hard b/c he is my best friend and I am his. I know I cannot be around him or speak to him for awhile after I leave the house. I will not be able to heal if I do not and I am committed to moving on and getting better. Will I ever be able to talk to him again? It seems so senseless and selfish to cut someone from my life, just b/c the relationship didn't work - but I know that I have to take care of myself and I have to do this in order to heal properly. I am going to miss him so much - I already do and I still love him - but I want to fall in love again someday and if I don't cut off contact - I won't be able to. I am so sad - how do you do this? What can I do for myself? It all seems so senseless and yet, I know it is for the best.

I have started looking for a place already - it's not as easy as I had hoped - but it is only day 3. It sucks being here. Yesterday, I stayed out all day and hung out with friends and slept at my girlfriends house. He didn't go home either. The house sucks. I hate it here b/c it is so depressing. Everything feels bittersweet. My mindset is that I am committed to getting myself better - I have accepted that it is over, but it still hurts. I feel numb right now. I know I am going to be ok,but I miss him - it hurts. I hate feeling lonely and I am - but I know it will pass. I feel scared.

So here I am again in the break-up section. We broke-up last spring and got back together in September. I felt like I was in limbo the whole time we were apart. I was a mess emotionally and physically. I thought when we got back together that I would happier b/c we could work everything out. Turns out, I was wrong. Last night, it ended for good. He "left" again for the same reasons he did last time. However, I am in a different place this time. There will be no waiting around - just a will to survive the pain and try to feel better. I live with him now and it makes it so much worse. I am actively trying to find a place to move and fast! I keep looking around the house and I get overwhelmed and I feel like my heart is being yanked out of my chest. I have no idea where to start and I am scared. I am scared to death - scared of the empty despair and the loneliness. I feel sick and oddly comforted by still being here. I feel so alone it makes me sick. I don't have a lot of friends that are just mine, I don't have a place to live, and I don't even know where to start re-building. I don't want to end up alone - I would like to get me back - the happy one. I have been fighting for this relationship for months and I am tired and incredibly sad. There is no hope for it, but there is hope for me, I guess. Anyone else ever feel scared and hollow? What do I do now that I've faced the fact that it is truly over? I have no hope and I guess that is really a double edged sword. It hurts so bad and I don't want to lose him b/c I have so much respect for him - I still love him. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Please hlep - I am so scard, lonely, and incredibly sad....

Thank you all very much for your advice - it made me feel better knowing that there are people out there telling me not to beat myself up. I realized that treating myself badly about it, is not going to help. I've definitely learned some things in the past few months about trust and faith. To not trust, allows your fears of being hurt, control you. Fears are a bit delusional because they hold you back, when you should be moving forward...but in some ways they still feel comfortable - like protection. Fears are a form of natural protection, but they can end up hurting you and the people around you more than helping you. What I've realized along the way is that in order to trust, you have to muster up the courage to move beyond your fears of being hurt. You're still scared to take a chance, but you do it anyway. This develops both courage and trust. Hopefully, this is how we learn and grow - by moving beyond that which we fear. It's a balancing act between courage and trust. Really trusting is truly letting go of what you can't control and living in the moment. Everything I just wrote seems to make sense. It seems logical and simple to practice. In truth, it is not as easy as it seems. I can write all of these things down because I truly feel that I know these things. In some situations, the logic is harder to follow because fear is an emotional repsonse and for me, emotional responses are harder to control. Oh well, I am only human and at least I have identified the source of my own fear and what I need to do. I am not prefect, but hopefully, with practice, both courage and trust will grow within me. I will get there and I will be better because of it.

I guess the challenge lies in the fact that I feel he did abandon me - the way it was done was so out of left field - that was exactly how I felt - ABANDONED by the first person that I felt completely safe with (besides my father). I guess that is the root of my issue - I feel he abandoned me and it hurt like nothing I've ever felt before - I felt betrayed and stupid and niave. I guess that is why I am having trouble now. I know I have to let that go in order for us to go anywhere. My challenge is the fact that I KNOW I have to let it go and trust him, but for some reason I am not able to flip that switch inside of me. I know I can do it, I just haven't quite figured out how to get there.

I feel like my inability to trust is sabotaging my relationship. My b/f left me last June for a couple of months. We got back together at the beginning of September and it has been shaky ever sense. When he left me, I never gave up hope that we would be together. The reasons he left had nothing to do with me - I was a catalyst. (You can look at previous posts from back then if you really want to) I never realized that my faith would be shaken or that the pain wouldn't just evaporate if we got back together. I thought I would be fine. Turns out, it didn't happen quite as expected. Well, it has been almost 7 months and I still am afraid of being left or hurt again etc. I have never felt that sort of emotional pain and I am afraid of feeling it again. At the time, I felt like I was barely hanging on and I felt like I couldn't ever escape the emotional pain - it was exhausting and scary. I have begun to recognize the toll this has taken and am wondering how to let go and trust again. He is getting increasingly frustrated and unhappy because I am always second guessing him and frankly, not trusting. I find myself checking up on him now, wondering who has called when he doesn't pick up the phone when I am sitting next to him, questioning him like he is on the witness stand and just doing dumb things like this. The worst part is that my feelings are irrational. He has never cheated on me and I didn't start feeling this was until after the break-up. I never treated him that way before. I end up hurting his feelings b/c he feels he doesn't deserve to be treated that way. He sits there and asks himself what he did to deserve it. He is right - he doesn't deserve it - so why do I do it? ](*,) The funny thing is that I don't even think he is cheating on me - it is more of a defense mechanism. I find the worst possible outcome of something related to him, that could happen and run with it in my head - in order to prepare myself for the pain b/c I do not want to be blindsided and completely oblivious like I was before. (When he left me, I had NO idea it was coming - it was literally out of left field) The ironic part is that the defense mechanism is destroying us and not letting us move forward. It doesn't truly help me at all. It is making him seriously unhappy and I am not happy either. We had a discussion last night about it. He says that he wants it to work, but that he just doesn't know if he can do it anymore - but that he wants to keep trying. He says he doesn't want me to leave, but that he is barely hanging on and that the cons are starting to outweight the pros, when it comes to our relationship. This scares me to death and then I beat myself up over and over in my head b/c I feel I have sabotaged everything. I am not sure how to feel secure when he is saying things like this. I feel like the guantlet is hanging over my head. I know I have no control over his feelings and choices - I only have control over me. I want to fix me, but I am unsure of how to fix it. I guess him saying that he wants to keep trying and that he loves me should be enough, but I am still scared. I can't seem to shake the other things that were said. He did say he was sorry and that he wants things to get better. I guess the first step is recognizing your own issues and I have done that and accepted that it is not helping me - but I am unsure of how to fix it. If I realize what I am doing, why can't I just turn it off and trust again? How do you make yourself stop with the defenses? Any suggestions? Thanx for reading.

I have read a lot of posts about trust, and trust issues. I actually just read one about a girl who had a "gut" feeling and it ended up being true - even though she had convinced herself she was crazy. I have also read several post about people that have driven their partners away b/c they didn't "trust" enough etc. So where is the fine line? When do you know your "gut" instinct is right versus your own insecurities? I read a post about someone who is in therapy b/c of their own trust issues and it comes down to self-esteem. She is working on it and I think that is truly admirable. These are all different situations, but they all have to do with trust. Anyway, I have never been an un-trusting person, but that is b/c I had never had anyone hurt me in that way. Once you have been hurt b/c trust has been breached and destroyed, it is very hard to get that back. It becomes more difficult. This much I know. I think it is a test b/c the line between insecurity and your "gut" feeling begins to blurr. Anyway, trust is a gift you give someone. It is a risk you take and a part of love. I have learned this as well - and as easy as it is for me to write this out, the act of trusting is not as simple to do once you have been burned...and burned again, and again...but in order to have a fulfilling realtionship, you have to let go - you have to give that gift of trust...to yourself and to your partner. If you cannot give this gift, the you cannot be successful. Trust is one of the essential building blocks of any healthy relationship.

Ok, so yesterday I posted a thread about "spark". Long story short, my b/f and I had a really bad January. We fought a lot and are now trying to pick up the pieces etc. Sex has pretty much gone away b/c of this. Well, I kind of left part of the story out when I originally posted. Anyway, he says I am beautiful and he loves me, but that he is just not feeling very sexual right now. I caught him looking at internet porn the other night. I got up at 3am to get some water - I walked downstairs and around the corner and see the him, the laptop, and naked girls etc. The site is called link removed. Now normally, I wouldn't care at all - but he isn't having sex with me, so it definitely did not make me feel good. I didn't fly off the handle or anything, but I did try to voice my discomfort. He said again it was that he wasn't feeling very attracted to me right now b/c of all the fighting etc. After the internet porn thing, I felt like what he was inadvertantly saying was this: "I am not feeling very sexual right now.....toward YOU!" :sad: or "I am not sexually attracted to you right now." Should I be concerned? For the first time ever, I felt like he was choosing porn over me and it hurt. I can say that since all of this started, I have masturbated a time or two and looked at internet porn as well. Like I said, normally it wouldn't have offended me in the least. We are very open about these things, but this time was different - especially, after he had been telling me he just wasn't feeling very sexual. Anyway, should I be concerned? Or is the answer still to simply let some time pass and let things heal a bit to get that spark back. RayKay, does the porn thing make a difference? Hmmmmm......

I kind of left part of the story out when I originally posted this question. He says I am beautiful and he loves me, but that he is just not feeling very sexual right now. I caught him looking at internet porn the other night. I got up at 3am to get some water - I walked downstairs and around the corner and see the laptop and naked girls etc. Normally, I wouldn't care at all - but he isn't having sex with me, so it definitely did not make me feel good. I didn't fly off the handle or anything, but I did try to voice my discomfort. He said again it was that he wasn't feeling very attracted to me right now b/c of all the fighting etc. After the internet porn thing, I felt like what he was inadvertantly saying was this: "I am not feeling very sexual right now.....toward YOU!" or "I am not sexually attracted to you right now." Should I be concerned? For the first time ever, I felt like he was choosing porn over me and it hurt. I can say that since all of this started, I have masturbated a time or two and looked at internet porn as well. Like I said, normally it wouldn't have offended me in the least. We are very open about these things. However, I felt like an internet model was more appealing than me and it made me sad. Hmmmmm......

Yes, I am talking about my b/f. Thanx for your input What about him resenting me? I guess there is really no way of knowing how or if another will let go of resentment, huh?

Just wondering what makes resentment start to go away after an argument? or in my case after fighting for what feels like a month straight? Any ideas? How can you finally let it go? What makes someone not feel resentment anymore? Any opinions?

I may have to post this somewhere else, but what makes resentment go away after arguments? or in my case - after 1 month of conflict? RayKay, any ideas? or really anyone have any ideas?