sandela
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Everything posted by sandela
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Should I ask the man I am seeing, J, what exactly are his feelings for me are?
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Did you read any of the other stuff that I am so fretting about? What do you think?
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Who is he? I can't find anything on the web on him. -Edward Rickenba
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Fantasia - I like the quote you had at the end of your message. Gives me a bit to think about life in general.
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How do I get over how I feel? Its like I have to re-hash everything that has been said (positive stuff) and say to myself "he wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it". I must dwell on the negative side of everything in life. I wish I wasn't like that. The only time he's ever said how much he adores me was when he had been drinking too much one night
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I clearly know that I am having insecurity issues with the man I am seeing. I also know that I can be a little needy. I've been with J for about 6 or 7 months. He treats me well - he's a man that goes in his cave (for those of you have read my question about a man in his cave) - he does sweet things for me, is always happy to make dinner for me and is very complimentary. So why do I feel insecure? I don't know. Am I hanging to tightly? We don't see other people - we enjoy each other's company. Its taken a long time or rather its taken all this time to get where we are but I am just so insecure and always doubt his feelings for me. He hasn't used the love word yet and I think it will be some time before that ever happens. He always says that I will be the one who will get sick of the relationship first and I will be the one who will end it. He says he doesn't believe in the word "love" - I know he's been hurt but we all have at some point right? He's 14 years older than me not that age matters at all to me - I just adore this man but am afriad to tell him how I feel because I don't want to scare him. The only time he's ever said how much he adores me was when he had been drinking too much one night and we were arguing about the bar I went to with my friends. Then the next day he asked me what was said adn I told him and he went quiet. Sometimes this relationship is like a rubber band - I push he pulls and vice versa. Do I listen to what some of the girls say when its about how they don't think we belong together?
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Hey DN! Look I got a response to all or at least most of my worries. Was happy to see it this morning but at the same time I was starting to not worry so much about it. Do you know anything about "men going into their cave"? I don't know if its real but I do know that it comes from the book called "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". It talks about what women should do or how they should handle their guy if he goes into his cave. [color=violet] Hi: worked 'til 8:00 the past 3 nights. Another 5 days of writing, hopefully done mid next week. Going to Windsor Friday and Saturday, and having my son over for birthday dinner Sunday. The cave is in control for reasons unknown . . . but not caused by you. Hope your move goes smoothly. Affectionately, J
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DN, You're unbeleivable. You're so wise. Everything you point out makes sense. I guess when people say "keep busy, do something for yourself" is better than going home sleeping on the couch until 9 p.m. until your kids come home from sports. My problem that I feel that I am having is consuming me and I can't do my job, I can't finishing packing as a I am moving - I don't even open my mail - I don't answer the phone - I've just been lying there on that white fluffy couch - sleeping so I don't have to think. Totally stupid. Its a waste. One good part of today is that I only let out tears once which was about an hour ago. No more will be allowed today. Going to go home and start getting more prepared for Friday - moving day. Anyways DN - what brought you to this website?
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I am unable to understand any of this kind of behaviour. This man cannot even call and say hello to someone he's been very intimate with? I honestly believe that this is his way of shoving me away. And I don't think its right or fair me to hide behind his work. DN, how come you have so much more insight than me on all of this?
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I'm put on hold because my guy is "immersed in work". Because he's out of the "communication loop" I doubt he's going to call or email me. I went out at lunch to his home (he sometimes goes home for lunch) and thought I could spend a bit of time. Anyways he wasn't at home - I guess in essense I was lucky. Who knows how he would have taken it. Because he's already told me he's out of communication loop - does it mean I can't email with a quick hello or call later in the evening and do the same? My real question is DO I JUST LET HIM COME TO ME when he's ready or not busy?
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What do you mean by the "acid test". I've never heard of that before.
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Am I doing the smartest thing with no contact?
sandela replied to settinuplife's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Yes this is the best thing. It took me a while to do finally that, with the hlep of my best friend. It made all the difference in the world. It was like that day I realized how much time I wasting by letting him in and out on his terms. Put an X on each day through your calendar that you haven't spoken or emailed and I swear that this will work as each day passes. And when you see that days or a week and then more time passes you will feel stronger. -
Really? What's wrong with me?
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My guy who I am seeing nonchalantly yesterday morning tells me he's going to busy for the next 10 days and working a lot of nights. Well of course at the time didn't think it would mean he wouldn't squeeze me between me moving and him working. So I wrote this email to him yesterday: Hey you! This morning you told me that you will be spending a lot of long nights working on this document that you have to write. And you know me and my analyising things way too much at times, I just want to know if you're telling me that you're so busy that we won't have any time to spend together for 10 days and that you need to focus your time strictly on work and you'll see me after that. Or that may be it won't be as much? I'm just looking for some clarification on what you meant so that I don't read into anything that is not there. LOL Also I just want to be as supportive and respectful as I can during your hectic time - that's all. Just let me know. Thanks. His response is: The documentation I started yesterday must be ready for May 12. Under normal circumstances, we would allow 4 weeks to write it, but now have 2 weeks. Authoring the documentation is my sole chore, and I am very aware of the time pressure attached. I worked until 8:00 last night and was in bed before 10:00. Am on my way to work now and will likely work to 8:00 again tonight. Sorry I did not communicate yesterday, but I don't read my Rogers account, or answer the phone while at the office when in this work mode. I will consumed by this until done, and largely out of the communication loop for a week or so until I get this document published. Can you understand why I am so freaky over this? This is a person who has confirmed his deep feelings for me and yet sends me this cold email. I've decided that I won't answer it nor will I call just to respect the fact he's on a tight schedule. Am I reading things that are not there?
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Ok...we spend most of the days that I don't have my children and most weekend evenings. We even went away to South Carolina together. He just won't open up. He shuts his feelings off when he feels he's getting too close - he's admitted that to me. What to do? I've asked if I should go away and give space - he says no. I've asked if he'd rather date someone else - he says no. I've asked if he'd rather me find someone else so he could be free. A pretty much silent no. The only thing he's admitted and its unfortunate because he had way too much to drink, and that was he adored me. I think just prior to that I must have said something derogatory in regards to his feelings. How do I get him to want me more?
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He's enjoying it - I know. I know it's me - I just wish I knew how to approach this with him without making it like I am doing the "relationship talk" which I know they hate. I guess ultimately a crystal ball is the only way and we all know there isn't such a thing. Really wish I could learn how to live day by day or moment by moment especially when it comes to relationships. I've got my head buried deep into those Venus and Mars books. He knows the item at top already. It's a cliche, but most men have to face that women are as much interested in committment as they are in them as human beings. I agree with DN. 6 months is not long (I'm only 7 years younger than you). He's enjoying it, and wants to keep enjoying it.
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Thank you so much for your help and advice. I'm totally an impatient person - its no wonder I have had so many relationship problems. Thanks again!
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The photo album was behind the magazine rack but I would not consider that hidden. He is often gone to work before me (if I stay over). So while drinking coffee in the living room looked for something to read and discovered the photo album. What scares me the most about this is that I fit into the same mould as far as appearances go except I am so much younger. That is why I feel threatened. We're both blonde, long distance runners, flat chested (sorry but I had to put that one in). I agree with pretty much everything you said...quite truthfully I am scared and insecure...we got together not long after he broke up with the other woman - so I am trying to decide if I am still rebound girl or if he genuinely cares for ME.
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Hi, I've been dating an older man 14 yrs my senior (I'm 40) for about 6 months. We've both been married. He's divorced - I'm separated. After his divorce he connected with a high school sweet heart and dated (prior to me) for approx. 3 years. He says he's been hurt so many times during his life - feels he's been rejected. He's admitted to me that he has very deep feelings for me but can't show them in words. He does alot for me. He's very private especially about his last girlfriend (who I think let him go) - I always wonder is he still in love with her. I'm afraid to ask. I accidently found a photo album and found pictures of her from a trip they had. I instantly got jealous. I've read the whole Venus and Mars thing which has help me to understand a little about the way men think. My guy is a cave guy - hides for a bit because he won't talk about a problem or whatever is going on thru his mind. I am insecure especially when that happens. Anyways those are just some tid bits of info - if they make any sense. I don't exactly know where I stand in his life. I don't like to ask too many relationship questions but I do know he does care and slipped once that he did adore me. He's afraid of me getting under his skin and falling in love. Am I asking too much for more of a relationship that is based on trying not to looking into the future and taking it as it comes and learning to enjoy what we have? I just know he's not in a rush whereas I could be for being afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I've asked what the future holds or how he'd like to see it go and the answer I get is "I don't know - I don't look past today. Our relationship is good and we're growing as a couple." Does the fact that I've met his mom mean anything at all? Does it mean there is some strong bond between us? I don't want to let him go as I am not ready to lose his companionship. Thanks for reading this.