BellaDonna
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Everything posted by BellaDonna
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I've been prepping him for it- having him watch videos of c-sections online- not gory ones- but ones that dads took of their wives and kid when they stayed behind the curtian. Frankly I could not go through it without having him there....I know he'll want to be the first to hold the baby too. I'm sure it will all work out- if we can keep "nosey people" out of it. I don't want people to scare him (I fear his relatives might do that) BellaDonna
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Yeah- he already knows he wants to stay near my head and not see any blood/gore. He's made that clear. I think I'd have a much easier time watching it than he would. He cannot view surgeries even when they are on TV- I find them fascinating. But I'll be sure to tell the doc just in case. I'll be nervous so I'll want him where I can see him anyways. BellaDonna
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The first person to ever lecture me about pregnancy was actually my chiropractor. I had to tell him I was pregnant early on so he could adjust me differently. I got his .02 cents. My husband and I have also decided on an elective c-section before we even conceived. We are not telling anyone though because they will DEFINITELY have strong opinions on it. We don't want to go there. I'm not telling my chiropractor either. He'll jump down my throat- his wife gives birth at home.... I know he'd lecture me. My in-laws would surely lecture us about that too. So we're I think there are many choices for birth, and it is a very personal thing between the woman and her partner- yet there are so many people quick to pass judgement. Many of them are other women! I would never imagine telling a woman and her partner what to do with their bodies and how they "must" have their child in a particular way (whether it be at home, at the hosptial, c-section, or natural and drug free). And then once the kid is here...there's all that parenting advice (dictation) lol My mom is this way too, which is very helpful.
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I'm glad you found the site useful. Perhaps if you set up one of the interview-type appointments with her you will be able to judge this for yourself. If she seems annoyed or short with you when you ask her questions during that appointment, then you'll know that the people who rated her were presenting a clear picture. Were there a lot of ratings like that on her? BellaDonna
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I agree. I could not imagine dealing with this if he was not on my team. I've developed a new appreciation for my family too- they have their faults as we all do- but at least one thing they have not done is pressure us. They have said that if we need to talk or have any questions they are here for us- but they do not lecture or over-step.. They are staying out of our business- they only thing they are annoying about is finding out the sex. lol At least the pressure is not coming from both sides though. BellaDonna
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has this ever happend to anyone? (to guys mostly)
BellaDonna replied to astaro's topic in Sex and Romance
I'm not a guy- but I think it's just the afterglow of a good orgasm...perhaps your body's way of trying to return to a calmer state after an intense experience. BellaDonna -
You still have ample time on your "clock". I think it will all work out well, don't worry.
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It did not happen right away- but maybe within a year. He'd say things like "I like our life. We don't needs kids to be happy. I d be fine with it either way" Something in my brain went "HEYYYYYY WAIT!!!!!! What if I want them now?" I'll be the first to admit it was a like a typical 2-year-old rebellious mentality that was operating in me. Pressure made me feel suffocated- as soon as it was lifted- I was able to explore my true feelings and it was not "scary" anymore. I eventually came to a point where I felt that I wanted to create something with him, and that we were destined for more in this life- but it only happened once the pressure was gone. Then one day we were at a relatives house and I was observing him play with a 9 month old baby and I got a real itch. I was off birth control the next month. lol Make it clear that you would love to be the mother of his children, that you admire him and think he'd be a great dad, and you respect his need to feel ready. Then back off. I can't say how long it will take because everyone is different- but I think you will get results much sooner this way than if you try to force it. So by backing off- you are actually implementing a plan to have kids- if that makes any sense. It's actually active, and not as passive as it seems. BellaDonna
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I think in the case of his aunt- she is not trying to be fresh- but his stepmother just does it to hear herself talk. She has always been judgemental of everything my husband does ( a real life example of an evil stepmother) He hates her to the core, (he has since he was a little boy) but remains cordial with her for his father's sake. Yep. This the first one. I'm sure it's going to be a challenge and not a piece of cake. But I'm confident in our decisions. I would not mind if they asked once- but they bring it up every time we see them, even though they already know our stance on the topic. I guess that's what bothers me the most. Thanks for listening to my rant. BellaDonna
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When you have that conversation, try to get him to ellaborate on his reasons (gently and without judgement). Ask him: "What do you think would make you feel ready" My guess is, it's probably has something to do with finances. Personally, my husband would have wanted to conceive on the night of our honeymoon, and I was the one that wanted to wait. We are currently expecting now, almost 4 years into the marriage. I felt ready when I essentially felt "secure". Finances had a lot to do with it for me. I wanted to be sure we were both in secure jobs with some money saved. I feared struggling otherwise. I knew I did not want to struggle. At first when we got married, my husband used to talk about children all the time. Then he took a step back and used an "I don't care" either way attitude..... then suddenly I was ready for kids. lol (I think he used Psychology on me ) When you feel that you've come to the decision on your own- it's much better than when you feel pressure. Get him to express his feelings and reservations- but try not to pressure him. Had I been pressured, I probably would not be pregnant right now. It's human nature to want to move in the opposite direction if you feel someone is trying to push you in particular direction. BellaDonna
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Ok, so you at least know that he does want children at some point. When you bring it up- what are his usual reasons for wanting to wait?
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If we were rich, we would love to be able to have one of us stay home....but it's just not realistic unless we want to lose our house, our savings, and general quality of life! That's what truly drives me crazy- when people make dumb suggestions without even thinking logically or practically first. ](*,) Obviously we can't say: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it's sure tempting. lol I really think he's going to snap. He is less reserved around them than I am because it's his family.
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Hi there. Does he want children in general? If he does not then you'll be hard pressed to change his mind. However if he does want them "someday" and you just want to speed up the process- and make someday now, then I would think it would be a matter of talking with him and showing that you are financially ready for this. Becoming a father can be very daunting, especially if it puts pressure on your husband to work more to support a family. If those are his reservations, then having a savings account to create nest egg might help. You'll need to show him that you can make a "plan" and that you have confidence and faith that he will be a good father. But if he does not want kids in general, ever....then your marriage might face a lot of trouble. What are his views on kids? BellaDonna
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In recent days, my husband and I are trying very hard to maintain our patience with our families (most particularly his side) because they keep getting in our business- majorly. We've tried to be nice and brush off comments- but it's getting very sickening and I think my husband might snap. So far, every time we have seen his step mother and his aunt- they keep interrogating us- asking all kinds of questions. Just last night they asked what we planned to do for childcare and started essentially lecturing us on how they do not think I should return to work. Please enlighten me. What happens during pregnancy in which people suddenly think they can give you their opinion, however and whenever they want? It would be one thing if they were OFFERING TO HELP with childcare- but they are not. They are just being nosey for the sake of argument. My husband got really annoyed and said "This is not the 1920's, women do work after having children. When you tell my wife not to go to work, do you plan on paying her salary while she's at home? If not I don't want to hear it!" My husband and I have a solid plan. I will stay out for 6 months and when I return, I will return to work full time- but work from home half of that time- the other days when I'm in the office my mother and another relative have offered to help us- and we both feel comfortable with the level of care they can provide. (It's preferable to daycare- plus they live right near where I work so I can go see the baby during my lunch) I just get annoyed when everyone else thinks they know what's best for us. They make it seem like we are somehow stupid making a "bad" decisions for both working. grrrrr We've decided to no longer even entertain these kind of discussions in the future amd just say "we have it figured out, thanks". BellaDonna
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Hi caro33. I just wanted to put another vote in that what you are feeling is normal. Even if your pregnancy was planned, it can still be very scary. The first trimester is nothing short of Hell. I'm just getting out of it myself and I am feeling a lot better. I promise you it will get better. Still, I hate the weight gain, the weak bladder, the acne (that I did not even have as a teenager ), the fatigue. But each time I hear the baby's heartbeat or seem him/her on the ultrasound none of that seems to matter (at that moment at least lol). When you have your first ultrasound I think you will feel a lot better. I swear the only thing that has gotten me through so far is a supportive partner and prenatal yoga- which relaxed me significantly. As for the fears of parenting- they are normal. Do not focus on how to be the perfect parent. You will be the best parent you can be- and you have your partners support. You will be ok if you stick together. Don't feel guilty for talking about your feelings either. Pregnancy is often sugar-coated by society. I think bringing a life into this world is indeed a wonderful experience and a wonderful miracle- but there's a lot of difficult things that go along with it both physically and mentally. Yet so many men and women are made to feel guilty or "bad" about their fears and doubts about pregnancy and parenthood and I don't think it should be that way. What you are feeling is normal and valid- so don't beat yourself up over it. Expressing it is the best thing you can do. BellaDonna
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Hi there. I think it would be best if you just come right out and tell him that you think he has developed feelings for her. See what he says. I think it's better to be straight-forward in this situation, because if you just try to come up with ways to eliminate her (for no seemingly apparent reason)- then it's too easy for him and your friends to get around it. Whereas if you just let him know that you sense something unhealthy developing there, and you would prefer not to be in her company anymore- there would be no question and no trying to get around it. Let him know that you do not want to vacation for them for this reason. Also, after you have a talk with him, if he goes to her and TELLS her about your suspicians, then you would know that you were right and that his emotional loyalities are not with you. May I ask what specifically makes you think that he has developed feelings for her? BellaDonna
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This thread has run it's course.
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Hi. I don't think you were too rough. He lied to you. That's pretty serious in my book. Since they are going to have a child in common that they will need to parent- you must expect them to be in contact and cordial to one another to some degree. But when he sees her he should not lie about it to you. That turns it into something to be concerned about. Think long and hard about this. It's your life and you do not have to settle for less. There are many men out there who are not in this situation and who would make you #1 and also not lie to you. BellaDonna
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Male cirumscision is a deeply personal choice for individuals and families, often rooted in culture and religion. There are fair arguments on both sides of the spectrum, and I don't think people should be judged either way. I do think it's rude of the Original Poster's girlfriend to ask him about it in front of others, and to make decisions whether or not to date someone/have sex with someone based on circumcision alone. BellaDonna
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I think in all careers, there are those that truly want ot be there- and those who do not. I certainly do not think ALL teachers and doctors are the way you described... Ususally people who hate their jobs and who are just in it for the money stick out pretty fast- and they are usually not well-liked by their colleagues who have a personal and/or moral investment in what they do nor are they liked by the populations that they serve. BellaDonna
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Alright, for the first time in a while, I need help!
BellaDonna replied to RayKay's topic in Relationship Advice
It sounds like things are heading in the right direction with the conversations, and the foot rub- which is a form of physcial closeness, even though it's a small one. I think he will need more time to come to grips with what his feelings are. Here's something that comes to mind in your situation: Do you think he's scared at all? With all the things going on with your mom, I wonder if he fears for your future safety or health, and if subconsciously he is trying to create some distance between the 2 of you. I know this is a separate issue from the "being taken for granted" issue, and may even sound silly, but I wonder if it has any bearing at all. Of course family history does not destine you to have health problems, but I just wonder if he ever has those kind of fears- and if it makes him have doubts because he is afraid of getting hurt???? BellaDonna -
I would let her know that you did not feel comfortable with her asking you that personal question in front of others. If she truly cares about you, a detail as small as cirumcision should not change the way she feels. If it does, then she is not the one for you.
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I'm glad this question about pediatricians was raised. My ob-gyn told me I should have one picked out by my 16 week visit. I thought that was kind of early, but I guess they want to get the ball rolling. Since I'm having a planned c-section- this doc would have to be present on the day of the delivery. A friend at work highly recommended this one doc. My friend has a son with autism and said this doc is very good about vaccinations- keeping them minimal and spacing them out when she had her daughter recently. She requested minimal vaccinations, etc. I like the idea of "interviewing" the pediatrician. I will deifinitely be doing that. lol I found a site that allows you to search for docs by name, location, gender, etc. The best thing about this site is that patients & parents give testimonials and rate them. link removed BellaDonna
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You could use a towel or opt for the shower. As long as you both feel comfortable with it, you'll be fine. Keep in mind that you should still use protection. Sperm have a tendency to hang out and wait for an egg, sometimes for days. So if she ovulates shortly after her period, she could still get pregnant. BellaDonna
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Alright, for the first time in a while, I need help!
BellaDonna replied to RayKay's topic in Relationship Advice
If you ever are looking for a book to serve as a template to express your feelings, I highly recommend this one: link removed It's actually fun because each of you can go through it on your own and answer the various questions. I think it would be neat if you went through it first- it would show him that you were willing to write a book to him .lol There are fun/playful questions (i.e. what attracted you to one another)- and then more serious ones regarding the relationship. BellaDonna
