Cassie

Hi Trendkill. I've hurt people before, as well as been on the opposite end. I was a strong 'people pleaser' in the past and thereforeeee wasn't always entirely honest about my feelings. However, once I recognized my destructive patterns, I was able to rectify them. Now I'm much more bold, upfront and honest. I'm kind of an ultra sensitive type, so I do get hurt a lot. But honesty is the quality I find most admirable in others. Sometimes the truth hurts, but the truth is also what sets you free. I've been through some traumatic experiences, but have also emerged much more wiser from them. People lash out for different personal reasons. I try to utilize compassion for those that have hurt me, and I hope those I've hurt can forgive me for my own blunders along the way. The relationships which have given me the greatest pain have also served as my greatest teachers. I believe there are no coincidences in life.

Hi guys, I'm a full time student on a VERY limited budget, and we're talking Ramen Noodle eating every night. I want to make some wise financial decisions for my future and thought someone could provide some advice. I'll be receiving around $500 back in scholarship and grant money fairly soon. Sooo, should I; 1. Put that money in a savings account and wait until I have the minimum needed to open up a money market mutual fund? 2. Put that money in a savings account and wait until I have enough to open up a Roth IRA? ( 3. Put that money toward debt? Right now I'm paying off a new car *groan* and my biggest goal is to have the loan paid off in three years instead of five. I also have student debt which is under $5,000 and currently in deferment. My ultimate goals are to get an IRA opened, have an emergency fund established, start contributing the max to my IRA, get my car paid off, and finally get my student loans paid off. I'm just not sure if I'm approaching them in the right order. Debt sucks, but it makes me nervous the more I prolong opening up an IRA for myself. If I pay my car off first (let's say, in three years) that could be a lot of money lost due to no compound interest. I don't have a lot of money coming in right now, and I want to make sure I'm using the little income stream I have as best as I can.

Hi guys. Thank you everyone for your responses. I'll try to get back to answer your questions asap. My town has been in a state of emergency since last evening. We experienced a freak blizzard/lightning storm last night which dropped over 24 inches of snow in my neightborhood and trees started crumbling, causing tons of powerlines to fall and transformers to explode. Our neighborhood looks like a war zone, with debris and fallen trees strewn everywhere. We still have powerlines lying in the street and accross people's lawns, and a driving ban has been in effect because of the dangerous live wires dangling in the streets and mixed in with the tree branches laying on the ground. I can't even explain the eeriness as we stood on our front porch last night watching the power lines sink lower and lower to the ground under the weight of snow and ice. Then there was crackling, and few seconds later another tree would crumble to the ground and usually take a power line with it. The lightning was coming in these brilliant flashes of green and, POP, another tree would go down. I felt like I was in a sci fi movie. There was no breeze at all, just this eternal quietness as we watched these flashes of green, felt electricity actually go underneath our feet, and the trees and lines just fell one after another. I've never in my life seen anything like this. The guy accross the street from us lost parts of his roof and the neightbor behind us has a three foot in diameter tree just laying accross his front door. Next door they have a snapped power line sitting in their yard, and three lines are dangling about two inches off the ground directly accross from us. We have a large tree laying in our front yard and another huge tree that smashed through our fence and is now laying half in our backyard and half in our neighbor's. We're slowly getting electricity back and running, but over 200,000 residents here are still without. And many are also struggling without water due to problems with the sub pumps. For those of us who have electricity and are able to, we are being advised to boil water before use. Please keep the city of Buffalo in your prayers tonight. It looks like a bomb exploded in our city. We've completely lost over half of our trees here. link removed

My bf of 8 months refuses to open up to me. It's very hard for him to show emotion, and he seems to take pride in how aloof he is. I've told him over and over how much this is killing our relationship and he responds with indifference. Or he'll make comments like, "I don't know how to express emotion" or "this is just how I am" or "I'm just not built for relationships". Yet every time I distance myself, he says he wants to work on things. I love him and am trying to be very patient with him. But i'm reaching a point where it's draining everything out of me. He just refuses to make any type of effort. If I get really upset and cry because I feel so hurt, he just sits there and has no idea how to comfort me. Is this guy just stringing me along for some sadistic pleasure? I don't know what to do anymore. He is 30 years old and had one other relationship a few years ago. So from his past, he definitely prefers to be alone. I didn't pursue this initially and now my emotions are wrapped up in this emotionally unavailable man. Does anyone have experience with this?

Hi sweetie. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. You're probably going to go through a lot of different emotions as you slowly heal from your relationship. We have all been on this road and all dread being here. I'm going through a breakup right now too, and the pain sucks. I also went through a breakup last year and didn't think I'd ever get past it. My self-esteem was so low, and I never imagined I'd get through the nightmare of it. Slowly, month after month I put the pieces back together and now my ex barely ever enters my thoughts. I ran into him this past summer and it didn't really affect me either way. I wasn't happy to see him, but I wasn't sad either. It was just a huge indifference. I learned many lessons from that relationship and it took time to fully comprehend that I deserved happiness and much, much better than what he could offer. I feel so much stronger today from the experiences I went through then. Now another breakup is upon me with a different guy and the same listless, horrid feelings are back. Failed relationships are hard to deal with. We've given a piece of ourselves to someone and it hurts when our hearts are callously abused. Right now my friends are supporting me 100% and reminding me not to dwell. They are a god send as they help me through the lonely minutes and help take my mind off things for a bit. It's ok to grieve and not be ok for the moment. It's ok to be angry at yourself and your ex, at least for a little bit. You're healing, sweetie. There are many people in this world who love you, and you are not alone here on this forum. {{{Chibby}}}

Female, dumper. I feel heartbroken, hurt, angry and betrayed. But I like Rose2Summer's response. It reminds me why we are each here on this earth; ultimately, to learn. I want to try to take the good out of this experience and move on with a brighter, more mature outlook.

Wow Friscodj, exactly the type of response I needed to hear. Thank you for the food for thought to snap me out of my spiraling funk. This guy is definitely not worth my tears or the setbacks in my life. I just wish my heart would hurry up and catch up with my mind on this. I know I need to grieve but ultimately I do choose to what extent I allow it to affect my life. I want to look back at this one day and say; ya, I was being tested. Then I wound up and kicked some * * * *! My heart goes out to all those suffering through breakups right now. I do find it help writing here on Enotalone. There sure are a great bunch of folks here.

Thank you for the comforting replies. I feel a bit better right now just opening up on a forum a bit. At least I hope it will help me sleep a little tonight. Britnus, your situation is brutual. It gives me lots of encouragement to know people are going through and surviving so much pain. I'm so, so sorry he let you go. I'm going through a divorce right now as well. *sending you a huge warm hug* I'll take your advice to heart and will try to focus on one day at a time. Melrich, I will give myself a bit of time each day to grieve. I just find myself at the most bizarre moments collapsing in grief. I will try very hard to remain focused on what is important in my life; my health, my family, my friends and my studies. It's amazing how much a person can take out of you. I feel so drained right now. I put my heart and my dreams into us and now everything feels shattered.

Hi guys, I'm going through a devastating breakup right now. How do I stay focused right now when I'm so depressed and sad? I'm taking things really hard and feel really listless. I just started university again and I'm scared my lack of concentration and motivation will hurt my studies. Any suggestions? - Heartbroken

Aww, Computerguy. I just wanted to give you one of these ... *warm hug* I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties right now. We're all there for you. And I personally don't find you ugly at all. I think your photo is very attractive, intense and almost dreamy. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently.

Going on Day 4 of no contact. I've survived, somehow. I'll be starting a new second job tomorrow at a quaint little cafe in a college town area, as a waitress. It will be something to help me (blessfully) pass the time and keep my mind off things. At times during the day I feel complete acceptance and peace with the universe. At other times I feel so sad. A few people commented to me at work today that I seemed sad. I tried to stay in good spirits but I think my aura is projecting my inner grief right now. But, one man approached me at work to ask me a question and I saw something in his eyes that I never saw with the ex; desire. It's been so long since I've seen that look. It made me realize how much I've truly been craving affection. My ex could never really provide it the way I needed though. I know he has his issues and I just need to give him space to figure out his own path. Right now I'm being an insomniac. I'll try to head to sleep soon so I'll feel ready to tackle the new job tomorrow. I hope everyone else is doing well.

Hi Magnus. I've started sending little emails to myself. Every time I torture myself by checking my mail to see if I've received anything from my ex, I have little 'reminders' waiting on what I could be doing instead. It has actually helped somewhat!

It sounds like everyone is remaining strong. You all serve as wonderful role models. Right now I'm taking things moment by moment, in order to fight a relapse. magnus, I'm having trouble sleeping, and also waking up at weird sporadic hours. This morning I woke up at 5am. After shuffling around for a bit, I finally went back to bed. Luckily my gym opens at 6am every morning so, if this pattern continues, I'll force myself to go until my sleeping pattern settles down. I came to work early today. I feel so restless and empty inside. I keep trying to make my mind busy, to not dwell. He used to write me e-mails every day so I find myself looking in my mail over and over. I know it's unproductive and I'm only driving myself crazy though ;/

Hi guys, It's day 2 of NC, and I'm struggling along. I would love to hear how others are dealing with their situations. I had an overwhelming urge to pick up the phone to call him, but stopped myself. See, I initiated the 'break' but I still care about him deeply. But I don't think we're romantically compatible. He's very aloof, very unaffectionate and can be very self centered. I've sent out warnings previously, but it doesn't appear he's going to change. Nor should I expect him to. Right now I'm in a position where my head and my heart are telling me two different things. I'm trying to remain strong as I sort my emotions out. Today I busied myself with putting together some birthday cards and writing some letters to old friends. Tomorrow I have an early brunch and then, thankfully, work for the rest of the evening. I also plan to keep myself occupied at the gym. How is everyone else coping?

Hi guys, thank you everyone for your replies. To answer some questions presented; yes, I love him very much. I would want to try and work through our issues if he was willing to. But I also want to see him happy. I can work with a fear of intimacy. But I can't do much with someone if they're secretly lusting after men. That's why I didn't know if it was appropriate to (gently) pose the question to him outright. According to him, he's remained a virgin because he doesn't like general attachment. He's afraid someone will become too attached to him, or him to them. He has a lot of girls (and guys!) who like and chase after him. He is, after all, an extremely attractive man. But he's also a very shy and timid personality. He's definitely experienced in some areas. He made it a point to tell me that although he's still a virgin, he's certainly no angel either in that regard. But, he said it never felt right going all the way. When I asked him why, he said he could never see himself marrying these former women. He made a surprising comment to me a few days ago. We were hanging out at his place and I was jokingly trying to pull his 'Hollywood hottie' out of him. (Liv Tyler? No. Britney Spears? No. Angelina Jolie? No. etc etc.) So I asked, "Jenna Jameson?" and he looked at me blankly and said, "Who?" I was like, "Uhh, the porn star." He looked at me with disdain and said, "I don't watch porn." When I asked him why not, his response was, "I don't believe in doing that type of act without love." His actual Hollywood hottie turned out to be the 'hot chick who does the stock market on CNN', haha. Hmm. I honestly didn't think guys were wired that way. He has expressed interest in working things out. I do miss him, so we will be taking things slowly. I know that no matter what, he will be a dear friend to me. So I suppose we will just have to see where things lead. We have talked openly about homosexuality in the past. When I found out he was religious, one of the first things I pounced on him about was homosexuality in regards to the Bible. (I'm more or less agnostic, and against organized religion). We had a wonderful debate, and he agreed it was messed up that homosexuals were 'sinners' in a religious sense. He didn't agree with it at all and is actually very open minded against homosexuals/transgenders/etc. Which was something I was thrilled to see, being that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was close minded or uncompassionate towards others. Hell, I never thought I'd be dating a Catholic boy in my life But, he's been well worth it. Anyway, I suppose I will just have to see how things progress. He's a very unique individual and many of his issues may also be stemming from self -image insecurities. But I do want him to know that if he finds his taste in ice cream might be in another flavor so to speak, I'll be as supportive as I can. I just don't want to unnecessarily offend him.

Hi guys, I met a guy at the beginning of the year who was everything I dreamed of; gorgeous, contemplative, sensitive at times, very sweet. We started dating but something unfortunately felt a little off. After a few months of seriously seeing each other, I broke up with him even though I was falling deeply in love with him. Something was seriously not right and I knew I needed to distance my emotions from him before I got seriously hurt. He just seems ... very confused. He's a 30 year old "virgin" (claims he's never penetrated a woman). During our intimate moments he did express wanting to be inside of me a few times but .. I don't know. He just didn't seem all that turned on maybe? Or just not completely there? I was a bit shocked when he asked me twice if he could have anal. I didn't feel comfortable with it so he didn't penetrate (anal or otherwise) but ... He also made a joking comment to me once about being a monk in a past life. He's a Catholic and faithfully attends church every Sunday. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps he's gay, or at least bi-sexual. When I broke up with him, he was sad and said he had felt a spark for me, which he also said was very rare. And that he was hoping I could 'cure' him. But, cure him from what? I'm wondering if I should just ask him straight out if he thinks he might be gay. He'll always be a dear friend to me and I do want ultimately to see him happy. Any thoughts? I should add, he's also hurt a lot of girls this way. He has a lot of 'friends' who are girls, who are completely in love with him. He'll fool around with them for a bit but only if they initiate things. But he'll only let them get so close before pushing them away. And, according to him, he's never had sex with a girl. I asked him if it was because he was waiting for marriage and he said no. This surely is not normal?

Heavens, no, it absolutely is not your fault. Your husband sounds a lot like my ex. They know exactly how to emotionally manipulate, and they are quite the master at turning everything around to seem like its your fault. I remember being in this type of relationship for almost a year, and I began to doubt every ounce of sanity I had. Words are tricky. Once you hear something all the time, you begin to believe it. Verbal abuse is poisonous to one's spirit. Honey, please, you need to consider yourself and your child before anything else. Take my word for it, these types of abusive patterns tend not only to repeat themselves, but also to escalate. I finally left my ex when he threw a chair at me and almost broke my kneecap, about a year into things. However, his verbal abuse began the first few months we were together, and should have served as a huge neon warning sign for me. A husband should be a man in your life that treats you with tenderness, love and respect (and vice versa). There is very little reason to degrade each other with name calling. I'm so sorry to hear this has been going on in your relationship. Why does he believe you're always cheating on him?

It may be an ego boost for this guy. However, all of us here know your time is too precious to be wasted on someone who isn't going to value you in the way you deserve. Whenever I have my heart broken, I find solace in these lyrics. I thought I would share them with you. "Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars Pointing me on my way into your loving arms. This much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road That led me straight to you." Each person in your life who hurts you is teaching you an invaluable lesson. From my own personal experience, my most painful relationships also served as some of the greatest teachers in my life. They thought they had left me broken, but the scars left helped me become stronger and wiser. I learned so much about myself as a person, how to truly value my own self worth. And the man you deserve, the one who will love and cherish you unconditionally, is waiting at the end of your own broken road. So stop looking behind you, girl. Leave these two vermin as road kill and step on over them. It's time to lift up your head and push forward. After all, you never know who may be waiting just around the next bend.

Too often we get wrapped up in the fantasy that we can try to change a person into our ideal mate. I read once that when someone begins to show us who they really are, we must believe them. From that point we can decide whether or not this person is compatible for us. I do believe you are being wise by recognizing there is a problem with your bf's temper. However, it is up to him to take action because he desires to, and not because he merely feels he is being forced to. You've set your boundaries. Stick with them. How did he react when you offered him your ultimatum?

Teacup, you are being offered wonderful advice here by everyone. Let it go. Neither of these men are worth the aggravation and energy you are allowing them to have in your life. Look at it this way, hon. They were put in your life for a reason, to give you a learning experience to help you grow as a person. Take the positive lessons you learned from the situation and never repeat this again. You deserve much better -- start to believe in yourself. Good luck with everything, hon.

This site has been an invaluable resource and great comfort for me. Sometimes just receiving others' advice and point of view has allowed me to view situations from an unexpected angle, and has allowed me to make wiser choices because of this.

Jetta, you may want to consider a separation until you can figure out your own feelings. You did marry your husband for a reason and perhaps current events have clouded that reason for yourself. Give yourself a bit of time. It is really a shame he seems to be in denial about your marital problems. I hope things will change for the better for both of you, best of luck.

My last boyfriend used to drop strong hints about how girls should keep neatly trimmed down there (this was before we became intimate), but I rarely shaved. I was a bit worried about what his reaction would be, but whenever we were intimate, he was constantly telling me over and over how beautiful he thought I looked. Everyone just needs to be how they feel most comfortable. : )

Hi BellaDonna. I've used Body Drench Quick Tan Sunless Tanning Mist in the Ultra Bronze Formula. link removed I've never had a problem with it turning orange, and it has always looked fabulous with my complexion. It usually lasts up to five days. I paid $18.95 for 6 oz. Some tips, apply your self tanner at night so you can sleep with the application on. The color takes at least three hours or more to set properly. Wear something to bed you don't mind staining. The color will look and smell a bit weird until the morning, where you'll need to take a shower to wash some of the excess color off. You'll see some of it rinse off in the shower and this is perfectly normal. You'll be left with a smoother color, and your new tan is complete. Every shower you take thereafter will continue to slowly remove the color, but my color has always lasted a good three to five days even with daily showering. When I apply a tanning spray, I wear a shower cap around my hair and spray it evenly to all areas I want bronzed (usually my neck, face, shoulders and arms, as well as my legs if I know I'll be wearing a dress). Then I slightly rub it in with my fingertips. Think of applying nail polish, do a few light coats instead of globbing a ton on all at once. Some people wear gloves to avoid staining their palms and fingertips, but I just scrub my hands really good with soap and water afterwards. Then I re-apply a very light mist over the tops of my hands so it'll look more natural. Remember to rub a bit behind your ears and at the nape of your neck as well, or your tan may look strange if you decide to pull your hair up in a pony tail later on. If you're unsure of how dark you want to go, try one or two light applications the first night and see how it looks in the morning after showering. If you feel you'd like to go darker, apply a few more light applications the following night, etc. You'll soon get the hang of how much you'll need to receive your desired shade. Good luck.

I think that would be an extremely sweet gesture, and I'm sure she will be pleasantly surprised to receive your morning wakeup message.