Stinkweed

Yous see!? I suddenly started feeling better... It usually lasts a lot longer, though. I could probably survive for the rest of my life, but the thought that every time I feel this void and depression just steals days away from my life (just like it has always done, except it used to be A LOT worse when I was like 14, but it has sssssllllllooooowwwwwlllyyyy gotten better over the years) is just unbearable... To waste even MORE time!?!? I think it's just unacceptable... I have to fight this back somehow.

It's just that when I'm by myself I just start thinking about things... Things that only make me not want to live anymore... I dunno what to do anymore... It's like a cycle: I feel ok one day, then the next something happens or maybe i just realize something, and I start feeling so horrible... I try to watch tv, I try to read, I try to work out, I even try video games, but nothing stops these thoughts... I'm just getting tired that in life I never get what I truly want the most... That things just can't go MY way. I'm tired of life... I realize things too late... And I guess that I used to not feel so bad because there were so many things I had the option of doing... I mean, even though I hadn't actually done them, I still had the time, and everything and that kept me from feeling so bad... Now I guess things are different. I'm done with highschool, out into the real world. Time to get serious, no more of those "stupid" dreams.

I can't help it... I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help it. It feels like a huge void in my chest... Like I know I've wasted my life, and well... As I've said a bunch of times, I don't have a whole lot of time left to really be young... It's like, I realized that I've got nothing to do... Schools over for me, there's no place I'm supposed to be at, no more people to talk to, and I guess I realize that all those familiar faces and people I wanted to befriend, but never did, are meaningless... I'll never get many of those chances back... But that's not all of it... It's just like... I can't picture myself in the future anymore. I'm just sailing blindly through the fog, because when I try to see I feel horrible. What am I to do now? I know I'll meet new people and stuff, but it's definitively not gonna be the same, plus I feel like I've wasted enough of my life, and I don't wanna wait to do anything that can be done RIGHT NOW anymore... Why is it that I see stuff that should be just basics in life, yet it makes me so depressed? I think I need to talk to a therapist (yep, I still haven't done it). I wish I could also hang out with people or something, because it takes my mind off of these things... I wish I had a rewind button for life... Or at least a "stop", or a "things go your way" one...

I think it's gonna do you wonders if you're willing to let it.

Lol, I know... it doesn't help much they've become boring. If I find a way, though, I'll be sure to tell you ...

That's kinda how I feel... I mean, I think they're just probably getting mentally ready or something... It's what I suspect. It kinda feels like we're not really friends anymore... I can tell they care about the friendship, because we took pictures and we want to remember. But, really, they're going off to war pretty soon... So in a sense it's like we're no longer REALLY friends... I need to meet more people. I've had horrible social skills all my life, only quite recently did it get better... I don't want it to get horrible again...

Well, I'm not really into drinking, except when it's like a special occasion, you know? Like new year's eve? (yep, my parents do let me drink... They wouldn't tolerate me getting drunk, but they don't care if I drink in moderation... I just don't find it as exciting as the rest of the people) Plus, I haven't been to a real party since I was like 13, lol. But for the rest, man I'd love to spend time with my friends and to meet more people through them. But it's just that the few friends I've got left... I'm like "Seriously, I think we should hang out this friday" and they think it's a joke or something, and they just don't want to... I think maybe it's because some of them are gonna join the marines and stuff... So these last 4 or so months they've been real serious and stuff... I know I'd be if I knew I was going to be shipped to Iraq less than a month from now. And I mean, things have changed so much... I remember about like 6 months ago we were all "yeah, let's go on a road trip right after we graduate!". Now, I remind them and they don't care anymore. I'd try to make new friends, but I don't know where I could meet more people about my age... And outside of school, I pretty much don't know anybody my age. So, it sucks... It just feels like my youth is over. I mean, about 3 months from now, it'll be time to get serious and study study study like I mean it... But I guess till then, I still got the right to be young, right? That's why this matters so much to me... Hey, thank you I feel flattered. I could try the job thing... And what you said about the spare time is SOOOOO TRUE!! It's the reason I used to love it when me and my friends would go out and just have fun... I would forget all about my worries, all about everything that would ruin my day.... In fact, this is the reason I wish school wasn't over... Even during a school day I get plenty of chances to start thinking about things. Imagine if I were to just hang out at home all day? Ugh... And for the record, I think you're awesome too. And I gotta admit I admire you for saying this: Seriously, had I the guts to just go by my true passion unafraid of being penniless (which I care about mostly because of my parents... I don't wanna let them down, and I know what they'd think if I turned out that way... sometimes i wish I dind't care about what they think...), and I think I'd be much more happy... There I go again, thinking! I think I need some serious partying after all...

Summer's here, basically, for me. It's like 2 more official school days, then no more school, just the graduation ceremony like a week from now. I've been feeling kinda down of how unfulfilled I feel. Like how I think I've wasted my youth... Perhaps it's not too late yet to be young for me after all... I would like to meet people over the summer or something. You know? I don't want to wait till summer's over to finally start socializing again... Any suggestions to what I could do to meet more people in my age group? Both girls and guys...

That is what I am so afraid of... When do you think it is too late to change your mind? How do I even know if I'm going to make it, regardless the path I take?

I wish I had the guts to just take schoolwork a little less seriously... And I mean, I would like to have fun and stuff, and summer is coming up. But all of my friends... They're going away pretty soon, because some of them signed up for the marines. And they don't seem to be in the mood to do anything really... It's kinda late to find new friends... I could still give it a shot, though. I care very little about peer pressure. In fact, I am known for my stubbornness and simply having my way when it comes to that... So I guess that's why some people say high school sucks... It's different with my parents, though, who I do not want to let down, and I simply can't take it when they're all disappointed... Ok, you think a lot like I do. Or the other way around, since you're older, whatever. But I do wish I could just do something... creative. Deliver a message somehow... I do love to play the guitar, but I'm no good at it, because I haven't had much time to practice. I mean, over the summer I will start to practice a lot again. But I mean, I wanted to start a band really bad. It would've been ideal if I had started a band this year... awesome... But I didn't, so I dunno what to do now... I could try during college, and cross my fingers that it won't affect my grades... I really just want a garage band... I really wanted to play live a small show at a small venue... won't happen. Plus, I can't say I'd earn a lot of money from that unless I started a successful record label or something. And I guess I chose already the path of the stable job that I won't love... I wish I had the courage to choose the other path. I mean, a friend of mine brought this up. I told him I was going into computers hoping it'd win me money some day, and he said that if I didn't love it, there'd be no way I'd really win money. Could that be true? If so, I'd rather choose a profession I love that wins me little money than one that wins me little money but i don't have a passion for to boot...

I am very sorry things have to be this way for you... I mean, you're probably a bright person, and you deserve so much more... It's not that you don't deserve it, it is perhaps that nobody deserves you. I think you need to be happier. Don't pretend, because, like you said, it'll feel artificial. I, myself, am feeling very down right now, so I know that smiling would be very fake. On the other hand, there have been occasion when it has been genuine. I've never had a girlfriend, and I've only asked 1 girl out in my life, I've only gotten 1 phone number (not the same girl... it was another girl who ended up ignoring me) and I've only felt REALLY attracted to like 2 girls in my whole life. I mean, sure the are plenty pretty girls, but if I were to ask them out, I wouldn't feel as attentive or sincere as I should... So, what I am trying to say is you could always try to be goofy and funny. It doesn't matter if you're "dorky"... I mean, I think there are many men who love that actually. I myself find smart girls really hot even if they're not wild outgoing and incredibly attractive. In fact, I pay little attention to the latter... I can see them as friend material, but I don't usually go for that type for some reason. And you sound a lot like the last girl I was genuinely attracted to, except she's already dating someone, lol. Now I don't know if I should bother looking for someone else, or should I just wait till college (*sigh* like 3 months thinking about all the chances missed... To make matters worse, I don't think I'll have much time for dating in college). In a nutshell: Take life more lighheartedly... Have a good time. I wish you the best of luck.

I've written about this... I think I wrote about this a couple of months ago, but now the end is REALLY here, and I didn't do half of what I wanted to do... So yeah, that's how empty and unfullfilled I feel.

I feel like I've wasted all my youth. I mean, let's be realistic, I'm no longer REALLY young anymore. I'm going to go to college, work my butt off doing schoolwork, no more guitar for me, no more dreams about starting a band for me, no more dreams of skateboarding for me... So yeah, I consider myself the epitome of wasted youth. I mean, my high school, my life as a teenager feels like it only started about 2 years ago, because before that, I was very unhappy, and I had even less of a life, believe it or not (no friends, no hobbies, no passion for anything). But it only really really did start about 2 months ago, when I was no longer afraid to be myself, when I started being really sociable, when I finally started to try and do something about a girl I was interested in. In a way, I wish I were 14, and not 18, because, well, it is now that I finally feel "young", but at the same time "old" everytime I see into the not-so-distant future. It saddens me, and I just wish I could get rid of this choking feeling, like I'm trapped... I don't wanna be a slave to schoolwork, or a slave to a job. I'm not saying I want to drift through life as a parasite either. I find the idea of being a Van Wilder so unacceptable... Yet, I just wish schoolwork weren't my LIFE... In a way that's how it feels, as if my life depended on it. Not so much now, that the year is almost over and I already graduated for sure... But in college I'll have to face a more realistic world and it's definitively not gonna be easier. I just can't see what everyone else is so excited about... Maybe it's what they want their lives to be, or maybe it's that they feel real interest towards it... I don't feel very mature thinking like this, but it's true... It's all I have in my mind about the topic. And everytime my parents detect a hint of that, they get angry and disappointed. I do not wanna let them down, but I do not wanna let myself down. And I'm just kinda scared, because they've lived life, I haven't lived at all... I do not want to take a year off because it won't be the same thing... In fact, if anything, it'd be better to start college, where at least I'll have a chance to meet people and stuff. It feels like I didn't even have a real youth, so who should I trust, my utter inexperience or my parents? I'm so tired... I don't see what it is that people say that "sucks" in high school either. These last 2 years (despite how terrible this last one has been) have been, in my opinion, an essential experience. I've changed so much... It disgusts me how some people end up doing what they love doing, all those actors and the rich and famous. I mean, at least people like Bill Gates can be considered pioneers... But those other guys have an easy life no matter what they say no offense meant to anyone... I envy the athletes too... I don't have any talents. I can't say I am gifted in athletics or even people skills which I've only started developing way too late... So lucky of them to be blessed with said advantages... If I were a gifted artist, or musician, I would love life so much more... But now, I don't have any talents. I suck at everything, including computers, which is what I've gotten myself into (computer science)... I'm so jealous of those who don't make as much money either, but at least live lives of fullfillment... They dare to take the path of the struggling artist. Me? I'm to scared to do that. I know for sure I'd be on my own, and I would just loose... I wish I had realized earlier that every second wasted in my life, I will NEVER get back... Every moment/even I miss, every person I chose not to meet/befriend, everything... Every girl I didn't ask out. Everytime I didn't ask the girl I liked out. One time deal only. I will never get it back, and I will probably keep doing it, because I will be too depressed to follow my own advice. I said I was going to see a shrink... perhaps that'd be a good start, because I've been saying in for a while, and summer's pretty much here already... So yeah, it's a good opportunity... I do not know how I am going to do it, because I don't plan on letting my parents know... They just won't understand... THey'd probably laugh if they read what I just typed, because well, they're just stupid childish dreams probably. If they were in my shoes: being single, young, old, married, in a relationship with the love of their life, friends, no friend, lonely... None of that would matter if they graduated with A in all their classes and were to earn a load of cash. I can't even take advantage of these last moments in dreamland because I'm too busy looking into the future and realizing I've wasted my life living in a shell... The feeling that I can really do nothing is suffocating...

Well, I didn't go to prom because the girl I asked out already had a date (I'm actually thankfull she said no, because I couldn't get a ticket anyway xD) and yeah, it turned out to be kinda late for me to get a ticket... But man, I feel sad, because damn I look good in a tux... There won't be many other chances when I'll go to a dance, an "important dance", wearing a tux to a place where all the people are my age and well, they go to my school and stuff... It would've been a good chance to meet other girls, because I heard lots of people (both guys and girls) went without dates... So yeah...

I simply love how you two think... If only I had the guts to think that way too...

ask her out and see what she says. She will either say yes or no, and that will be your definite answer. Try it out.... Good luck and best wishes.

Lately that's what things look like to me. Most people are concerned with their jobs, with their education. I wish I were as concerned about it as they are... Instead I am worried about stupid pointless dreams: things that in the future won't put any food on my table. I take a look at the world, there's war, hunger, over-population, pollution (global warming). And I just know what the media wants me to know, because there's probably so much more going on, and it's probably worse too. Perhaps we deserve it, because even though we say it was our "forefathers" who started this, it is the vast majority of us who live in the most wasteful way possible. We are the prodigal sons and daughters all of us. Well, enough... I don't usually write poetry, because I don't think I've very good at it, but I came up with this and thought I'd like to share: Beings of dust Wretched existence that of the dust beings They are so hedonistic by nature No idea what this behavior brings No idea that here, they've got no stature. But what is the root of these feelings? What makes them act in such a wasteful way? They should be considered less than phlegm Ask them why they do this - they've naught to say. It's my generation I talk about Being one of them makes me want to pout. I wrote this thinking about how the youth love to look up to criminals. Thinking about how the youth think sex is just done to gain a better reputation. Blah blah blah. I'm feeling awfully preachy today. But where have our morals gone to?

This can't be good! I'm already wondering where it all went... In 5 years from now, I don't care what I'll be doing, really. I mean, I'm going to college, so my guess is I'll be going to grad school if I'm lucky, or perhaps about to graduate, and maybe I'll have a decent job? I wish I could see what everybody's who is in a similar situation (about to go to college), with very similar goals (wanting to graduate), is so excited about...

I couldn't agree more with some_guy282. This guy is a sleazy SOB, I think. Stay away from him as much as you can. Good luck.

I don't like what she's done. She got tired of the older guy and now she wants you. Sounds to me a little shallow... I do not if I would trust her. I mean, it sounds to me like she's trying to manipulate you. You're not quite reacting the way she'd expect, because if you did, you'd be all like "aww poor baby, I want you back" no questions asked. That's probably what she wants... I'll say forget her and move on... Just my opinion.

Goes with my personality... Jk. It's not meant to be alluring really, though. The only thing in this world that is perhaps meant to be alluring to everyone is gold (and money I guess... to most people). And it's not my fault my parents picked this name for me jk again... Bah, I'm feelin a little better already

Actually there are a few things I do wish really bad I could do. But none of them seem possible at all. I mean, like I said, stuff I should've done already, because as an adult who is about to go to college, there will be no time for such things... Sometimes I just wish that I had been born during another period of time... Like maybe had I been a teenager in some other period of time, things would've been different. Or maybe if I could get another shot, I would do so many things differently. I just wish that maybe there weren't so many rules. That life weren't so restricted. you take a path, and it's just a tunnel, instead of being a huge open field where you can see the northern, southern, western and eastern skies. Instead you only see a forking path in all of them paths the sky that you see in the end is in the same direction. I think I made a mistake in choosing the college I chose... I think I made a mistake in choosing the major I chose. But then again, I was too afraid to try something I knew for sure I liked, because: 1- It would've been frowned upon by my parent's. I know this, because they knew which college I wanted to go to, and they were not happy... In the end I chose the one they wanted me to go to. Now they're like "are you happy with your choice? You gotta be sincere" Yeah right, I tried being sincere already and they pretty much made fun of me. 2- I'm just too afraid that the things I love to do won't get me any money. Maybe they won't just work out. What if it would've been a waste of time? But then again, what if the path I chose is the one that's gonna be a waste of time? I just wish I could be like a robot... Why do I have to feel emotion? Why do I have to care about passion and what I "love to do"? I should be able to just do whatever gets me money, and do it well without caring about free time too much, or about fun, or about enjoying it... It's what I wish.

*sigh* getting to a first date is hard enough... But perhaps that's actually the "easy" part, lol.

I believe it becomes a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as soon as you two start to exclusively see each other and no one else... I'm not sure. Hope somebody is of more assistance.