Stinkweed

They were just examples... I guess they were out of context, though. So yeah, I ought to start a new thread if I wanna discuss such things... sorry.

They don't care about the 300$. They care about the fact that they really wanted me to go there, and I just for making them happy complied... I just couldn't bring myself to making my own choice... I saw how they reacted when I said which college I really wanted, and I just saw they didn't mean what they said... That plus the thoughts of "what if I regret it later?" constantly haunting me... Yet, now I wonder "what if I regret my new choice later?" instead...

You might not think it is a problem big enough to make me feel this way... But it does make me feel this way, and I just think maybe it's not normal... But why? I was still decently happy 2 months ago... Of course I still had choices, and "time to think" (about nothing I guess, because I guess I never really had much of a choice).

I just feel like I took a dive off of the airplane, but I know my parachute hasn't been working well... It might not open! I might go splat! Or it might open and get the job done bringing much desperation on my way down... You know, will it make it all the way? I had to take such jump, because if not I'd be a chicken, or just trash... There's really no way back anymore... I mean, there might be, but it's not really an option... It just makes me so mad! To be held down and restrained like this without any options... I don't call this a life if I can't really be myself. If I am told I did really have a choice, but I could tell I didn't. I'm so sick of it... I really have nothing to look forward to, and I'm pretty sure I'll be making the exact same mistakes I've been making over the years and a great depression. And don't you tell me that it'll be my fault, because if I had really had the choice, I wouldn't be feeling any of this, I know! I feel like I am not a person, but just some unhappy thing that really has no life of its own. Will I one day look back and say I did the right thing? I've hardly ever had such sweet thoughts in my entire life. But I am a person, why didn't I just go my own way? Why did I have to listen to others? Why do I care about what they think?

Oh yeah, what a great job we've done... killing ourselves and the planet! Our rules and our money-hunger bring global warming, pollution, wars and death. I don't call it survival... just slow death.

it was a 300$ deposit... OMG, I am screwed... There's no way my parents would accept this... It feels like I jumped off a plane, and I know my parachutes really really crappy and I don't think it's gonna open, but I still had to jump because if not I'd be a coward... They say that they wouldn't have cared and that they still would've loved me if I had chosen otherwise, but I just know it's not that way from the tone of their voice and the look in their eye when I said what I really wanted. I dunno, but if I am going splat from the fall off that plane, might as well get a heart attack on my way down...

I have a quick question to whoever has gone through the college application and acceptance process: I sent my acceptance decision to a University already, but I didn't really do it willingly... I kinda regret it now, but dunno if I am going to change my mind: Would it be too late to change my mind now?

Hello Romi, I'm very sorry to hear something like that happened to you. You sound like you were very caring and maybe he just didn't see it... But it doesn't mean you didn't support him... Do you know what I mean? Well, I agree with Mun on this one. You should talk to him one last time just to clear the air... I think he seems to be very confused and might need time to grieve. Maybe you could try to find out what he really wants... If it doesn't work out, then you'll be able to move on. By the way, I am Venezuelan and I know spanish, so if you need any help or anything, solo dimelo, ok? Best wishes.

Dating is just a stupid bunch rules... I can't follow these rules... In fact, I'm going insane (I'll probably will be literaly thrown to the loony bin) just for following my parents' rules, school, then work, growing old, dying... Life is just a bunch of rules! Stupid rules stupid rules stupid rules everywhere... And we, mankind make up more rules... More stupid rules on how to date, how to make money (why does money even exist?), how to make friends. Sometimes even who to fall in love with... blah, say whatever you want about me, cause there should be no rule against it, just like there shouldn't (hopefully there aren't) any against me saying all this that I've said.

It's just that I'm a pessimist by nature, and the only thing I can ever think about is how I am gonna screw up. I know it's not always like that, but sometimes I guess I sugconsciously make myself do it (because I might know it's not what is best, but I still do it...)... How can I just no think about it?

It depresses me and I don't wanna think about it anymore... I just wish I could read a book, or just carry on with whatever I might be doing without thinking about it... Is there any way to just relax and enjoy the ride without so much stress?

Whoa! Where'd that come from? I guess I better change my picture then, cause I'm certainly no animal sacrifical guy... And I'm not EMO either!!! I'm just sayin things would be better if you could just be yourself without stupid rules, without having every single stupid little action analyzed and watched over.

Maybe you would. But I'm sure many a girl would prefer things the way he mentioned... I mean why would it be then that always the funny, confident guys are the ones who have no problem getting dates? And I just know that if the guy doesn't do a little teasing (which is what I'm guessing he referred to when he said "pick"), then the guy's just too much of a "nice guy" and only good as a friend. Also, I dunno about the don't commit part, but I've never heard anywhere that a guy commits after a first date, at least not explicitly... But I guess what works for one girl might vary from what works for another girl and same with guys, I dunno... No need to get angry. After all, I wish what he said weren't true, because that way things would be easier for me, that I guess I'm too passionate and it's hard to control... But then again, who is more credible, the guy who's never been on a date in his entire 18 years of life, or the other guy who's normal?

Well, I'll try it... It's a win-win situation I think. Plus, I already talked to her once, so I know I can do it...

She's moving to a place that's probably 4-5 hours by car from where I'm moving. And maybe can we just go out as friends? What I mean is that even if the distance is too great, I'd value the friendship... I'm being honest here. As for the someone else thing: I've only really liked like 3 girls in my life this way. Still, I'm pretty sure there is going to be a 4th or 5th and so on. But... It's really hard to explain... I'm willing to accept whatever happens: If she says yes and wants to be friends, then great, we'll keep in touch. If she says no, then great too, because I'll forget her quicker. It's what I think, I dunno...

So... If I'd like to just be a friend, and to keep in touch, should I still ask her out? Or should I just talk to her?

Has anyone ever felt like they're just trapped? I feel like I am trapped in a vicious cycle inside myself. I tell myself I will do things differently, better, next year, but I never do... In fact, I just screw up my life worse every time. Will this continue to go on, getting worse and worse until there is no "next year"? Sometimes I just question reality: Is this the only reality we have? The only life we'll live? Or will we ever get a chance to relive those moments where we could've done so much more... A chance to try not to mess it up and waste no time... It's nice to dream isn't it? I just don't feel like I believe in God anymore. Why would he let anyone be as wretched as I am? I know there's people who have it worse than I do, but still I feel 100 times worse than they feel without as many reasons... why? I'm not saying my issues are meaningless, but they aren't as horrible as going blind or losing a limb... Why be punished this way with unhappiness that keeps going and coming? I'm so tired... Anybody have some thoughts about those teen issues hotlines? I know it's not a permanent solution, but I would like to talk...

I guess I'll consider that for future reference.. Well, I talked to her but, again, I didn't ask her out. Not because I chickened out, but mostly because of what I mentioned above. Well, I changed my mind, and I would indeed like to at least befriend her I guess... I asked her where she'll go to college and she's staying in the same state, unlike me, but it's a place that's more than an hour away by car up north... I dunno how much closer that'd be to where I am going but I'm guessing not a significant difference... So yeah, I talked to her, and I was like "hey what's up?" and she looked at me with a weird facial expression, I could tell she was surprised by some person that's never really talked to her before suddenly talking to her as if nothing. I didn't care what she thought, so I kept going, and talked some about the classwork, then asked here where she was going to college always looking at her straight in the eye with sincere smile. She only answered my questions but didn't ask any of her own, then she saw a friend and started talking to her and stuff, and I didn't quite finish. Then in class she smiled at me, and I smiled back once, which had never happened before. But after that, things pretty much went back to what they were yesterday, and last week, and last month and so on... Well, anyway, I just mentioned all the details, not because I'm analyzing or anything because the might mean something good, bad, or maybe nothing at all. I just like to write is all, and I had a terrible day so this is a good way to keep busy...

I'm tired, but I can't even sleep thinking about this... I think I do really want to talk to a therapist. How can I find one? I don't want my parents to know, because last time I told them I wanted to talk to a therapist they were like "you don't need to" and "just talk to us", and believe me, talking to them does not help AT ALL...

Well, thank you all and best wishes.

After a great week, then a pretty decent spring break, I'm once again depressed... I'm starting to think it's not very normal, because it has happened ever since I was 14 that I get depressed on and off. Or maybe I could be bipolar or something, because I might be the happiest person one minute then something bad happens and I turn into the most miserable being to walk the earth. Nothing is going my way right now, and nothing is what I expected would be. I'm not looking forward to my future because I'm not even going to the school I wanted to go to. I just wish I could fill every remaining second of this year with memories, making the most out of my time. But it's either not possible, or I just can't do it because I suck. A couple of weeks before spring break I was also depressed and I said I'd go talk to a therapist right after spring break. Then I started to get my hopes up and think positively, but up to now nothing good has happened. I just feel like screaming my lungs out until they are liquefied, or till I bust an artery in my brain, or until my eyes explode, or all of the above if it is possible at all. I just feel like right now I'm a failure in life, and even though I think I'm gonna try my best and that there's a chance I'm gonna do well in the future, it's not gonna be the case, because nothing that is good that I expect ever comes to happen. And people wonder why I am such a pessimist... God, when will the cycle end? Nobody understands me... It's probably another reason why I can't socialize very well, why I've never had a girlfriend, why I can't make more friends; the very few I have have very little in common with me and I'm very luch because they accept all my differences but I keep loosing friends, plus we are gonna part ways pretty soon, and I know I won't be seeing them anymore. Where I'm going to, Best-case scenario: I'll at least make a couple of friends just like I did here... But maybe I should expect something more, seeing as everytime I expect something good to happen, it doesn't go half as well as I thought. God, I feel like a prisoner of fate... I can't go on like this. It feels like everytime I get depressed, I'm just killing more and more minutes of my life doing nothing but feeling like a foolish unimportant shadow.

I don't think I'm going to do it. There's only a month left of school, and I'm moving to another state which is 1 hour away by plane. So, yeah, I know "there's no need to start a meaningful relationship at your age and stuff" but I guess I don't see much of a point... Cause well, there are many girls in the world, and if I'm just gonna start a friendship I might as well choose anyone especially since I won't have such a hard time talking to them. So my advice to anyone reading this thread who is perhaps still in highschool or a maybe just moments away from a major life change: Don't waste your time and make the most out of it. In the beginning of the year I let some not-so-major issues get to me, and I wasted a lot of time unhappy. By the time I changed, it was too late, because everybody perceived me as an angry, not very friendly individual. I was afraid to be myself until not so long ago, and that in my book was more time wasted as well. So, treasure each moment and don't procrastinate on things. It's what I wish I could do, but even now in these final moments I kinda don't follow my own advice... I had such high expectations about this last year in high school, but things were nowhere near as good. I thought I'd have fun, I would make many more friends, I would meet a girl and perhaps get a first kiss, but none of that ever was. Best wishes.

Well, I didn't really see her today because I skipped that class because we had a substitute... I know it's not right, but it's the first and last time I'll do it... But yeah, tomorrow's friday and I really really wish that I'd do it tomorrow... I mean, I don't wanna waste any more time. I have a question: Say I see her outside class, but from far away but she doesn't see me. Is it ok if I walk up to her and talk to her, or will she think I'm stalking her or something if I don't make it look like I ran into he by chance?

I guess I am gonna try just to see what happens...

I guess it is confidence what I lack... I mean, even when she's alone and I think about talking to her, my heart just pounds... I do not know why I gotta make her so "important"... I mean, I can talk to other girls just fine, it's the ones I feel interested on that I can't talk to... Why do I have to make such a huge deal out of it if I've got nothing to lose? I mean, these are the things I tell myself even at the moment, but I still feel my heart racing like an F-1 racecar driven by a speed freak who does not value his life and is just out for a thrill. That's how fast it goes... Anyway, that's how I feel even when she's alone, imagine how I'd feel if I notice other ppl in class just looking at me as I talk to her and wondering if they're listening or what they're thinking about what they're hearing if they are listening at all? You know, there's only like 1 month left of school, so I might as well try. I'll never see these ppl ever again, so it's not like I should care what they think either... Or maybe I shouldn't do it at all, seeing that there's only a month left of school?