Stinkweed

Well, I was/am going to try. But today I only saw her around other ppl... I mean, there have been a bunch of times when we've been the 1st 2 ppl to get to class. But today I got there later when everyone else was already there too... Which sucks... I mean, it'd make me so uncomfortable... Oh well, I guess if it's gotta be done even when there's someone else listening, I guess I'll have to do it....

Thank you all for your replies. Well, yeah I guess I don't have nothing to loose, but it's still hard, because everytime I see her, well, she's very rarely alone... And I mean, sometimes we're the first 2 to get to the classroom, and I thought that'd be the perfect opportunity, but today I couldn't get there early... It was like fate plotting against me... jk jk. Well, I'll try tomorrow. Best wishes.

You know what? Nevermind then. I guess sometimes it is too late for some things. If I did want to go to prom, I guess I should've thought about meeting a girl months ago or somethings. I mean sure I would like to just do it so then I won't wonder what it was about or something. But I guess it is pointless after all. Best wishes.

Well, what else is there? I mean, the year's almost over so there'd be no point on starting an important relationship. But prom is coming up and stuff, so I thought I'd try to get a date or something... Well, anyway, so What do girls think?

Maybe I misread what other people said on my last thread. But here it is for anyone who'd like some background info: Which leads me to my question, the same one I asked at the very end of that thread: if I could see a show of hands how many girls would be comfortable with some guy that has been in your class for the whole year and has said but a couple of sentences to you in all that time to just come back from spring break and be like "hi! I'd like to buy you a cup of coffee. How does friday sound?". I mean there's gotta be something else... If not then I should try this with every single girl in my school... One is bound to say yes. Right? Well, how many girls think that is ok? PS: The girl does know my name, b/c the teacher has known be for a while and well, I'm not very "low-profile" in that class so you might hear my name being called more than a couple of times per day (not for negative reasons, though, lol). So I assume that by know she'd know, given that I also know hers and everybody else's in that class.

Well, I didn't quite say whether I thougth she's interested or not, because I'm gonna try to approach her regardless so I can get that definite answer... But I guess after reading what you said I think that might be a shorter and less painstaking way although a little too sudden. I mean we're talking about a girl that has been in my class since august, and since then I haven't said much more than "It's page 235". So I'd believe it'd be better if first I talked about something and then asked her out instead of just walking up to her out of nowhere after not saying but 2 sentences throughout the whole year and asking her out. If I do it like that she might come up with that drama queen crap saying that I'm creepy or weird, but then again, if she's gonna be like that, then it's not worth it either... So, I guess I could ask her out. But how? I mean, if I could see a show of hands how many girls would be comfortable with some guy that has been in your class for the whole year and has said but a couple of sentences to you in all that time to just come back from spring break and be like "hi! I'd like to buy you a cup of coffee. How does friday sound?". I mean there's gotta be something else... If not then I should try this with every single girl in my school... One is bound to say yes. Right? Either way, it'd probably be a good idea to do what you said, because well, who would I rather listen to you or my own self? I think you, because if I were to do things my own unexperienced way, it'd be like asking a homeless person for financial advice... Sure they can tell you how to fail, thus you will know what to NOT do, but still, what you wanna know is not how to NOT fail, but how to SUCEED. Right?

Well I think I've got a crush on this girl. She's been in one of my classes yearlong. I've always found her attractive and there've been multiple times when I've wanted to talk to her and get to know her, etc... I think about her sometimes too. I've never ever really talked to her besides perhaps a couple of sentences involving class. The thing is sometimes it seems like she's not interested at all. I notice she sometimes turns away when she notices me looking. Like I might see her aroudn the hallways and as soon as she notices I'm there she avoids looking my way or something. But a couple of times it has also happened that I just turn and see her looking, but she turns away. And the last day I saw her, I was asking a question to the teacher and she was next to me. Well, I asked a question about something I didn't quite understand and the girl kinda explained it, so when I turned, again she quickly turned away. And well, I kinda made my mind up to find out what's the deal... I just hope I don't chicken out last minute like I sometimes do... Anyway, I was thinking about maybe if I see her alone, I could talk to her about how her spring break was and/or about the homework (whichever sounds better... what do you think?), but then is it ok if I ask some questions? Like stuff about her that is, you know where she's from, etc? Or should I keep on with a convo?

must've been over a year. But I don't wanna do it. I guess what's done is done. No need to do a thing like that just out of curiosity.

That's all you need to know. Why do you need to compare it to something else or to seek other's opinions if you yourself said that you like what he does?

Thank you. I'm trying already... Today I started my old workout routine, the one I hadn't done in so long... I guess that's a start, to finish what I started (since september 2005 I've lost about 40 lbs but I stopped working out and losing weight well over 4 months ago, but I still have 15-20 more to go to get to my ideal weight) and really get into shape. Tomorrow I will do more... Thank you.

oh ok. That's cool then. Thank you.

As the title suggests there is a certain someone I haven't talked to in a while. It was this girl who was a friend of mine. I also used to talk to her cousin. Well, I sort of had some issues with her, but her cousin was always cool. But slowly we started to talk less and less till we stopped talking at all. I was wondering if it'd be ok or how to somehow start just one convo with either one of them just to see how they've been. Not that it's TOO important... But if I were to do it just out of curiosity If not, then meh. Best wishes.

"Understand we die a little every day" Or something like that goes a quote I read a while back. And Well, let's just say that that's the way I feel right now... I mean, I've wasted sooo much time... I told my parents I'd go to a college where I sincerely think I shouldn't have been accepted, because I know I won't be able to overcome the challege. Plus it's in another place. It's not the college I wanted to go to, plus I think it's going to be out of my league. I only told them I would go to that college, because they said there was nothing to lose, that if I didn't like it or if I didn't succeed, I would come back to this state to the college I did want in a year, and stuff... But now they're talking about me staying there for 6 years, and they say it with such certainty, I think that no matter what, I will be forced to stay up there... It's not that I WANT to live with my parents, because either way I'd live on campus... But it's just that I like this state and I kinda like the ppl better. I will still try my best, but I don't think I will have much time for myself (i.e. practicing with my guitar and starting a band). Starting a band was one of my goals for this year, but summer's almost here, and I'm nowhere near achieving this goal. I guess I will never do it, because once summer start, me and everybody I know will go our own separate ways, and since we've been drifting appart for a while now, I think we'll probably never hear of each other ever again... It sucks, and I wish I could talk them into spending more time together and making the most out of this last month of school. I mean, it's only once in a lifetime that you have only one month left as a senior. I feel that I should've been more sociable since the beginning, I only started almost at the end... I think I should've been less stressed out about my grades and that I had taken the time to appreciate every single detail, every single little moment... Everytime I do take the time to notice those small things, I can't help but smile... I feel like my entire youth was a waste, and now I'm too old to be young and to be doing young dudes' stuff like that band thing or learning how to skateboard, which I had wanted to do ever since I was like 14... All these things I wanted to do since I was 14, but I only started to actually try and enjoy recently. I know I've posted about this, yet I don't get an entirely definite answer. I mean, I've been told the answer is in time management, but I've tried time management multiple times just to fail miserably... I can't focus anymore, and well, that's another reason I don't think I will be able to overcome the challenge that such a strict college will bring. I know college is not supposed to be easy, but this college has one of those reputations that "people who have 3.8 GPA in high school end up with a 2.7 in this school". But anyway, I wish I could make the most out of this last month of school. I just had to get this off my chest, but feel free to please let me know if you have any advice. Best wishes.

alright then, I guess I'll try since it's worth a try... She's this girl I think is interested in me, I dunno, I've never been good at this. And well, today I was in such an awesome mood... too bad I didn't see her. Well, I hope I see her after the break. Well thank you. Best wishes.

I've been thinking... The year's almost over, right? I'm a senior and probably going to move away. Is it pointless to start talking to a girl now? Or should is it still worth it given that prom is coming up?

Well, that's another thing... I'm gonna move away to another state, but they want to move with me too. I mean, then what's the point? I'd rather stay here then...

I'm just so tired now. I mean, why is it that almost everything they say now gives me a knot in the stomach and just makes me feel twitchy, so angry… Sometimes I don't feel they treat me like a person but like I'm supposed to be what they want me to be, nothing else. But maybe I'm wrong… And maybe what they want me to do is the right way to go… But I mean, here's my reasoning: I have no passion for nothing, and I haven't accomplished anything REALLY meaningful in these 18 years of my life. Nothing, I have no passion for anything. And the thing is… Ok, I just don't wanna go into names, but here goes: I got into some colleges 3 of which I am going to go into: The first one is probably the best one I got into, the second one which is one that I kinda like and has a pretty good name too but it might not be the most convenient for me to go, the third one which is in the state I currently live in, and I'm planning on applying for another one, which is the one I actually like the most, but doesn't have a great name like the others. Here's my dilemma: I'd go to the first one, but I'm afraid that it's going to be too hard for me… I can't even get an A in high school AP physics, how do I expect to do great in that college? Plus, I can't make myself feel passion for anything really… I have tried, but it doesn't work well, and I think that if I have a choice between doing something I don't actually love the hard way, and doing that same something I don't actually love the waaaaayyyy Harder way, I'd rather choose the former and just get it over with quick while suffering less… I mean, I just know I'm not gonna do well. It's just gonna be like this whole year: I tell myself "Today you're gonna actually concentrate and do the homework quickly blah blah blah" but it doesn't work. I try to talk myself into actually liking some of the classes I hate, but I just can't… So I'm beginning to wonder if it's like, say I hate pineapples. Can one just force themselves to like pineapples? Sure they have vitamin C and fiber, but what if you just don't like them? So, I guess the thing is that my parents want me to go to the 1st college I mentioned no questions asked, but they also want to move close to me. I don't have the heart to tell them not to because they'll probably think I just don't love them or something, and that's not true. But if things went horribly wrong for me in that school, it is here, the 1st place in 4 years where I've felt like I'm at home, where I wish I could come back to. But apparently no, we're just jumping down the cliff with a rope that hasn't been tested, and if it snaps, Whoops! Too bad! Because they just think it won't snap and if it does they'll blame me. But sometimes it doesn't really feel like it's my fault (even though it is), because do you think I enjoy getting 4 hours of sleep only every night? But as much as I tell myself I will concentrate, and much as I try everything ppl recommend to fix this, it just doesn't change a thing. I knew these feelings of depression and despair would come back… I wish I could talk to a neutral person, like a psychologist or something. Yeah, I'm 18, so I don't need adult supervision to visit one, right? What do I need to make it happen, because the idea just beckons me… And I don't want my parents to know, cause I know they'll be like "no you don't need to, you can just talk to us" and believe me, that doesn't help AT ALL! I'm so tired of the same thing all the time...

I think your assumptions there might be correct... Just forget about them. You don't need to hang around these immature ppl. Best of luck.

and If I do die one of these days, that Please it'd be tomorrow before the test (then preferably tonight in my sleep), or at least before I receive my next report card...

I've been feeling under a lot of pressure... I can't take it anymore. I'm starting to feel depressed once again (I'm starting to think this depression which keeps coming back is not normal...). On one side it's myself. How I screw my own self up. How I don't take any risks because I'm insecure and have a low self-esteem. What's happening? I just feel like my head is going to explode. This year has been like a rollercoaster, where in the beginning I was really depressed, then around december, january and part of february, I was the happiest person on earth, unafraid to be myself, and now I'm just back down... I'm so tired... I can't concentrate, which makes me finish my homework really late, thus I can't sleep either. My grades are going down now, especially certain class I probably have a D in now (last semester I had a B, and I was satisfied with that). Last week I didn't study for that class at all. I mean, why bother? The last test I had taken I got a D on, even though I studied every day for like 5 days straight till 3 am. I thought I understood it, but I guess I didn't. When I saw that D, I just didn't know what to feel. So much effort lost! I don't care about the grade, but I care about the sacrifice I made for nothing! My parents keep pressuring me to study more. But after that "incident" I decided I wasn't gonna waste a single second more on that class. Another test came, which even though was supposed to be the easiest thing on earth, I got a C on, but I didn't care. But now I have a test tomorrow, I don't understand the topic, but for some reason I care again (plus I know my parents will flip if I get a D... God...). I'm convinced the teacher's no good, because she hasn't helped me AT ALL ever. Nothing she says ever helps, so I started seeing a tutor. This tutor was pretty much the same (same teaching style and all... They're friends, the tutor and the teacher and former assistants of each other or something)... So no point in throwing more money down the drain... I don't know what to do with this class, and my parents are demanding more and more of me. I tell them I'm doing the best I can, but deep inside I don't know if I do (but back then, for that test I got a D in despite my efforts, I'm convinced I did give it all I had)... It's gone down to the point it almost feels degrading. I had always thought I was smart... This isn't the only college-level class I'm taking... The other class I'm taking is Calculus and I'm doing so well... Even though I barely study at all, I'm doing really well, which makes me think my calculus teacher is a good teacher, and my other teacher is just no good for me... I see others are not doing very well either, but they certainly are doing way better than I am... God, I don't know what to do... My parents will be so angry... I know it's too late to do anything for tomorrow... I know I will fail the AP exam for this class. This class just ruined my senior year... I could've been so much more happier. I just feel like crying, but I have no tears, I'm all dried up inside... I bang my head against the desk literaly trying to figure out why I don't get it. My mother's like "But that class is so easy. You just have to read the theory and apply it", but it is what I have tried to do so many times, but I just don't get it even though I thought I did... Why do I feel this way about a stupid class anyway? Why suffer so much over this... But at the same time I feel so pathetic... I think i'm going crazy this time... I don't have anyone to talk about this. My friends are all "I told you you should've switched out" or "go to college wherever you want to go, not where your parents want you to go", but I'm so scared, because what if they're right and I regret it later on? I talk to my counsellor, but she just doesn't understand. I feel so wretched... I think that if this is how I'm doing in high school with 2 stupid AP classes, I am going to lose it in college... Maybe I'm just not smart at all, and I'm just stupid, because after all, how many ppl graduate successfully from college? I just know I'm not gonna be one of them. But GOD will it really be my fault? Is it my fault? Do I really try my best? But what about that time I slept only like 3 hours a night because I studied all day? But... I dunno... I'm 18, why can't my parents understand that what I do, I do for myself, not to please them... After all, the expect so much out of me, I know I'll never be able to measure up to their expectations. My mom acts like she understands me sometimes, just to come to me 5 minutes later and say "it's just that you don't study, and blah blah blah"... I just wish time could stop or something... And if dying is like sleeping, I'd like to die right now, so I can finally be at peace, because that's the only time I'm at peace, when I sleep... I feel like such a mess, but am I really messed up? I mean, I've just been myself, I've never been anyone else. Like what's the definition of sanity, what's the definition of insanity? I don't know what to do, or who to talk to... This keeps happening to me. I feel like I'm gonna lose it... It has happened a bunch of times this year, and a bunch of times I've posted about it, but then it goes away, but then it comes back... Why can't I stay happy and normal? I can't talk to anyone... It just sounds so stupid because I feel so horrible, but there's people who are doing much worse out there, so am I really mad or on the verge of? It's just that I've got nowhere to go... If I go my way, I know I won't be able to succeed, because I'm so afraid to take risks and I have no life experienceds and no people skills. If I go my parents' way, I will fail, because I'm an idiot. I'll just disappoint this, and what I'm feeling right now will keep coming back... But what am I? Why is nobody else like me? People go through high school. People go to college. People graduate. But I just know that won't be it for me. But I don't have any mental handicaps that I know of... I feel like a mistake of nature, like I'm not supposed to be here. This world is what it is, and it won't change just for me. People graduate from college, get a job, ascend. Even people with less opportunity than other achieve this. I will not. I will be a janitor? Get evicted from every single place, then homeless... No offense, but I'd rather die tomorrow... Just never wake up, because what's the point of living a life where you will not give anything back to the world. It's like I'm young now, but I'll just keep growing older and do nothing, give nothing back to the world... What's the point? Sounds like living more than necessary... A waste of earth's precious oxygen, and fresh water and whatnot... Yeah, I just know this can't be right... Feeling like this, then just when I think it went away, it comes back but worse... I just hope that if I truly die, that it's not on the street... And that it goes unnoticed, just like my birth, and that it's peaceful, unlike what I'm feeling right now...

Well, I haven't gone to the doctor. I told my mom about my problem (I would've much rather told my dad, but he's on a business trip...), and she asked me if it still hurt and/or if it felt swollen, and well, I said no, because it doesn't feel swollen, and it hasn't hurt at all anymore... So she didn't think it was necessary... And well, I just keep thinking... There's so many more people I could've met and stuff... And I also wonder why some ppl treat you like crap but then they expect you to treat them well and they give you these looks like "hey this guy's an *beep*!" but in reality they were worse to you before... And I also realized that I wish I could change my stubornness and my fear of taking risks... I mean, one month left of highschool only happens once in life... Why can't I just seize the day like I promised myself I would?

The thing is I wish I weren't so dumb and insecure all the time... It's the main reason I can't stay interested on a girl. A while back, I was very interested in this girl and stuff. Do you think I feel the same way right now? Of course not! I'm not interested at all, which is maybe a reason why I have no difficulty whatsoever talking to her anymore... It's what has happened with this other girls a couple of times too, including the one I talked about at the beginning of this post... I'm not interested RIGHT NOW, but I probably will be pretty soon... Instead I find myself thinking in this other girl... She's been in one of my classes for the whole year, yet I've never talked to her, believe it or not. I can't tell whether she's interested or not, although I'd put my money on "no" because even though I caught her looking twice at me today, she turns away quickly too, and she only does this very very very rarely. Like she'll do it one day, then she won't do it for a while and will not even look my way. There's this other girl that's in another one of my classes, but, I mean, I briefly was interested in her too, and I talk to her about the class topic and stuff... I dunno either... Why can't I just take a risk?

I'll, try to do it then...

I would like to go, but how do I let my parents know? Well, I don't feel any bulges... And now I didn't do the dry heaving or coughing when it happened... But I dunno... Like my right one does hurt a really really tiny teeny bit when I put a little pressure on it... I don't think that can be good... Man, what should I do? I don't wanna tell my parents or anyone else for that matter (in fact, if it became completely necessary, I'd rather tell them instead of anyone else, but if possible, I'd like to avoid going to those extremes)... I can't just be like "Oh, hey mom. I got kicked THERE yesterday" but I don't have a car so I couldn't drive myself to a doctor... What to do?