Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 8 of 9 FirstFirst ... 56789 LastLast
Results 71 to 80 of 86

Thread: How to tell if he is genuinely interested or is grooming me for sex?

  1. #71
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,904
    Originally Posted by elyssac
    This sounds very important. I think I need to practice it in my mind a little bit (both in terms of how to approach it in conversation and also how to see it as a statement of truth and checking in without expectations)
    I don't know if its so bad to have some expectations that he is on the same page. After all, isn't that what you want?

    You like him. You want him to like you, too! Its not a crime. Its completely natural that you like someone you had sex with and that you want a. To be assured to not to get STDs and b. For it to mean more than just sex.

    You are not expecting too much.

    Of course, you should have protected yourself better before u had sex... But c'est la vie!

    Find a good time. You're happy, he's happy...

    Be cute about it, easy and playful... Yes. You jumped in, but open sex is outside your comfort zone. You tried being cool about but you're being honest, that is not really your way... what does he think?

    If he says he's not looking to be exclusive or anything you don't want to hear, then deal with it. You're not doing yourself any favors setting up this dynamic where your needs aren't met because it keeps him around or whatever.

    Give him the chance to meet you at your level. He may do just that.

    Whatever happens, you got your own back. It'll be fine...Head high. Lesson learned. Then you find a guy that wants the same things as you. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #72
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    188
    Like reinventmyself, I had learned to initiate the exclusivity talk when I felt ready and the guy hadn't brought it up. I only had to do it once, and the idea was a bit scary but once I spoke up it wasn't so bad. Know that no matter how you present it (as a question, a request, or simply telling him where you are), there is the possibility of disappointment. You can say you have no expectations whatsoever, but everyone has a "desired outcome" - if you were completely indifferent about him seeing others then you wouldn't need to bring it up. I had to accept that being vulnerable and risking rejection/disappointment is unavoidable in the pursuit of love. My confidence and strength lie in knowing that even if rejection hurts, I will eventually be okay. It is much better to know whether we are on the same page, or not, than spending another few weeks or months in ambiguity and still getting hurt in the end (probably hurt worse as you are getting attached over time).

  3. #73
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    30
    Im writing another update here, because I feel like things have been a rollercoaster and I feel quite hurt and would really appreciate some support and perhaps words of wisdom. Really sorry for this wall of text. I'll try to make it as readable as possible.

    I guess I never gave an update at the time, but two weeks after I last wrote here, I lightheartedly brought up the topic of exclusivity and asked him if we could agree to exclusively date each other, to which he said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway". I think it was true, I don't think he ended up dating the other woman he was talking to on the app, although not completely sure.


    For a while things were progressing again
    He started acting more seriously. I was pretty busy with work around that time, submitting a research paper with a deadline, so I had to work longer, which meant some of our dates were now starting later in the evening. He was upset about it. He said he wanted us to try to make time for each other because that's how you get to know people and there are always other commitments so it's easy to make excuses. I was actually happy that he was upset about this because it made me feel like he was getting more serious about me / about exploring a serious relationship between us. And I agreed with what he said. He was also upset at some point if I didn't respond quickly in our chats because he said "he doesn't always know if he has my attention when we were chatting". I said I would make sure to pay attention to him while chatting, and make more time etc. For a few weeks to come, we planned dates with quality time. He invited me to an in-person gathering with his friends despite already having a date the previous day and spending the previous night together. When he realized I got sleepy (this was a gathering in the evening), he said "elyssac got sleepy, we will head home" and we left together. He had explained to me that he needed to get up really early for something at work the next day. The original plan was for me to sleep over at his place that night and leave early in the morning but my house is really close to his already. It was already late at night, all we would do was sleep and probably not even have breakfast in the morning. So I said "perhaps it would make sense for me to go home instead". He thought there was an issue and asked me what was up and why I was changing my mind. I said there wasn't any issue but since all we will do is sleep perhaps this made more sense. He took this to mean I was suggesting I didn't want to have sex with him that night so he said "I don't invite you over just to have sex, you know that, right?" I said "yes" and then felt uncomfortable with the misunderstanding between us and said I would go in (we were already by his house). I ended up spending the night there. Later, when he was discussing with his roommates how strict they should be about visitors at their house, he referred to me as his "significant other" and said "we each have a significant other, so everyone gets one guest max, their significant other, and doesn't bring over any other guests". We also talked about how we should talk more often like we used to. He said it was one of the things he liked about me -- that we could converse about interesting topics and it's not good if we lose that. We also started talking about more serious topics, like marriage and kids. We didn't say we wanted to marry or have kids but just discussed our ideas of what we want from life and I was happy to see them align. When all these were happening, I started to like him more and started feeling like I wanted to be involved with this guy seriously.

    I don't know if I have made a mistake of assuming that we were each other's "exclusive significant other" from all of these because he is definitely now acting like we are just friends with benefits. We did agree to be exclusive, he did call me his significant other. Was I wrong to make that assumption?

    The change didn't happen all of a sudden, it started going down for a while again
    Firstly, we started chatting up much less frequently. Despite saying how he wanted us to talk more because that's what he liked about us in the first place, one week when he was busy with work, he brought up to me twice that we "seem to chat a lot, we should just do that when we meet in person". So I dialed back my texting, thinking he is pretty busy these days with work anyway. Soon, we just started having no communication between dates at all. In a conversation when I complimented some of his friends I've met, he jokingly acted jealous and I told him that while I knew he was joking, I like liked him and he didn't need to feel jealous. He didn't say he liked me back. At first it bothered me, but I thought "he is dating me, he obviously likes me". This happened once more, actually. I told him I liked him during pillow talk and he said "awww". A few weeks went like this and I felt like our relationship has been changing for the worse. I decided I needed to talk to him about what was not working and check whether we are on the same page again.

    Over dinner, I brought up the topic and asked "I feel like you don't seem as happy and I feel like we aren't connecting as much. Let's talk about what's not working". He said he was happy and things were fine. I said it felt like things started annoying him more easily (We were having some -in my opinion- very insignificant conflicts like me spilling some stuff while cooking in his kitchen, and him getting visibly angry and annoyed by it etc. These happened a few times as I am a bit more clumsy than him and he pays attention to keeping the kitchen clean while cooking more than I do). He insisted this were fine but started getting visibly annoyed by the conversation (as in, his facial expression and tone of his voice were changing). I asked whether he doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to discuss these and whether he doesn't feel we are close enough for that. He said sometimes when you are close enough with someone, stakes are higher when you talk about issues. I said I would encourage him to bring up issues and I personally feel more comfortable talking about them if Im close with someone. He got angry and said "stop trying to figure out how close we are with questions like this" but that wasn't what I was trying to do. I said "I just want you to be happy" and he said "I want you to be happy, too" in an angry voice and then apologized for his angry tone. So this ended up being a pretty useless conversation. I thought it didn't achieve its purpose, things went on like this for a while again, but didn't know how to bring up the conversation again without it leading to the same outcome. I regret that now.

    Fast forward four weeks later, I think he is seeing someone else.
    Last week, during our date, he kept checking his phone and the texting app he uses although he had no messages. It felt like he was waiting for a text from someone. He did that multiple times throughout the day and it's not something he does usually. In fact, he used to encourage us to put phones aside during our dates. We didn't talk the whole week and on Saturday, I texted him about something random we discussed in our previous date. Then we talked about how his birthday is coming up. I mentioned to him that I was originally planning a surprise but then thought it might be a bad idea since he mentioned he usually makes dinner plans with his friends and has been very busy with a deadline at work that's coming up. My idea basically involved dinner and cake with his roommates that evening. He said that sounded good and "we were all his friends" so this would still be dinner with friends, just the ones in this "pandemic pond". Later, when I causally mentioned weather in the conversation, he said "oh yeah, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come over this afternoon". I asked if he had time on Sunday and if we could meet then instead. He responded with "hahaha ". I said "Im glad you find that amusing, but seriously, can we do Sunday?". He didn't respond for a while and then came back to say "Sorry, chatting with multiple people, hard to pay attention, let's talk on the phone instead". On the phone he said he already had some Sunday plans, he is supposed to go on a bike ride with his friend at 4:30pm so it might be difficult. He asked what time I would want to meet so he would plan accordingly. I was getting annoyed that (1) he asked to meet up almost last minute, (2) didn't bother to pay attention to my text properly when he previously got angry at me for "not giving my attention while we were texting", (3) I have already been having this growing suspicion that there might be someone else involved here, (4) felt like he has been treating me increasingly more casually. I am pretty sure I made my frustration show through my tone of voice and said "if you are busy then maybe we should meet during the week". Afterall, he was the one saying you can't get to know someone with dates starting at 7pm. He asked me if there was a problem and I said no. I think he thought I was jealous and said "my friend, he and I planned this ahead of time. He and I are going to bike to X place but I can plan to get back early" He started saying "he" multiple times, as if he were trying to reassure me that this was a guy friend and I shouldn't be jealous. I said if he makes back by 6:30, I'd love to meet up with him. Otherwise he should just let me know when he gets back and we will see.

    While this somewhat soothed me, I couldn't resist my urges. The dating app where we met has this thing where you can see people's stats on their activities on the app if you pay for a monthly subscription. It always felt like a waste of money to me to do that just to stalk people but I was tempted to do it. I checked his activity a few times throughout that Saturday, and his chat response time was different at all three times that I checked. Clearly, he was busy chatting with someone all of Saturday.

    Come Sunday, at 6pm, he texts me saying it would be a stretch to try to meet tonight so we should take a walk during the week perhaps. Later, around 8pm, I went out to take my evening walk. As I mentioned earlier, we live in the same town and our houses are fairly close to each other. I saw him biking back with someone indeed. But that friend definitely looked like a woman, and not a man. My suspicion is that she might be the woman he is chatting with on the app, but no way to know, of course. After that I texted him "Hey, hope you enjoyed your bike ride. Can we meet during the week and take a walk and talk? I'd like to walk with you and talk sometime soon. Let me know what day works for you". He texted back saying the bike ride was a lot of fun and he could do Tuesday or Wednesday at 6pm. He clearly didn't feel like he could mention to me he was seeing a female friend, probably because she is not a friend. If he felt he had to lie, he must think it is something he needs to hide. And despite the last time, he didn't even mention he was talking to a new woman or anything, I feel blindsided.


    I want to be able to talk about this with him
    So that (1) I make sure there is no misunderstanding, (2) walk away if he decided there is nothing between us, (3) just attempt again to align us on the same page. But currently I feel so hurt. I feel as if I have been cheated on. What's worse is, I don't even know if I am validated in feeling that way. I know we never said we were in a serious relationship but we did agree to be exclusive and he did refer to me as his significant other before. I let him know I "like liked" him. I think it must be reasonable to expect that he just not see other women, period. It's also awful that whenever I try to think about how I am going to talk about this, I get tearful. In every version of the conversation in my head, I am tearful. I definitely cannot appear desperate and this vulnerable when I talk to him about this. I guess I need to practice it multiple times to appear strong. I wish this had happened like 2 months ago, before I decided I actually liked him quite a bit. I guess it has been 4-5months only, but started developing real feelings and it hurts more when that happens. I also feel like he thinks I am not good enough for him, something is missing for him so he is looking outside now. I look back and think "perhaps I should have done X/Y etc". Feeling that way, of course, does not help. Lastly, I thought this was a trustworthy, decent man. This just makes me lose trust in people in general and that feels perhaps even worse.

    Does anyone have any advice? I think I need some support right now.
    Last edited by elyssac; 08-31-2020 at 07:34 AM.

  4. #74
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,049
    Gender
    Male
    Stop chasing him. He's just not onboard with what you want. Having repetitive tedious relationship talks isn't helping.

    You seem to be struggling with this too much. Dating shouldn't be this much of a headache or mystery .

    Have you read the book 📚 He's Just Not That Into You?

  5.  

  6. #75
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,359
    Talk after talk after talk.

    When someone wants to be with you there is no need for multiple "talks". You would be very clear.

    It's not that you're "not good enough for him". Stop that. It's that he wants to date around. And when he "agreed" to be exclusive he didn't enthusiastically say "I don't want to date anyone else. I want to date only you." He said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway" That's not exactly a ringing endorsement. And if pressed he would probably say he didn't lie, right at the time you asked him he wasn't seeing anyone else. But since then, maybe, maybe not. Probably he is.

    You are trying to force this and he is not on board. Having umpteen "talks" will not change that.

    BTW, referring to you as a "significant other" doesn't mean diddly. It's just a convenient term. His actions are what matters.

  7. #76
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,978
    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Talk after talk after talk.

    When someone wants to be with you there is no need for multiple "talks". You would be very clear.

    It's not that you're "not good enough for him". Stop that. It's that he wants to date around. And when he "agreed" to be exclusive he didn't enthusiastically say "I don't want to date anyone else. I want to date only you." He said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway" That's not exactly a ringing endorsement. And if pressed he would probably say he didn't lie, right at the time you asked him he wasn't seeing anyone else. But since then, maybe, maybe not. Probably he is.

    You are trying to force this and he is not on board. Having umpteen "talks" will not change that.

    BTW, referring to you as a "significant other" doesn't mean diddly. It's just a convenient term. His actions are what matters.
    Agree with this completely. If he wanted to be with you he would. And you wouldn't have to write a novel about it.

  8. #77
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    30
    Thanks everyone for the replies.
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Have you read the book 📚 He's Just Not That Into You?
    I have not read the book but I have seen the movie. I get the idea, it's pretty simple. It says if someone makes you doubt about their interest, they are just not that interested.
    I mostly write here when we are having issues/doubts. But we have also gone through periods of *very high* interest. These made me feel like there was potential. He even took interest in my family and such. I figured maybe this is a fixable situation. I guess there is a balance between holding on and letting go in situations like this. I get that I need to let go now

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    It's not that you're "not good enough for him". Stop that.
    Thanks for saying this. I feel a bit deceived (more on that at the end) so it just feels good to have it verified that I shouldn't think this way.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    It's that he wants to date around.
    I am sure he wants to see other people now that he is probably already seeing other people. But I am not sure if dating around is his goal. He claims he wants to find a relationship because he wants to start a family not too far in the future. Not sure how to much to take that at its face value, but I don't see a reason not to.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    And when he "agreed" to be exclusive he didn't enthusiastically say "I don't want to date anyone else. I want to date only you." He said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway" That's not exactly a ringing endorsement. And if pressed he would probably say he didn't lie, right at the time you asked him he wasn't seeing anyone else. But since then, maybe, maybe not. Probably he is.
    I guess I don't understand how else I am supposed to approach the exclusivity talk, then. Before this conversation, he had brought up a few times, out of nowhere, that he is not dating anyone else. During that time, we had both mentioned to each other that we would want to know if the other person started seeing someone else. But that conversation wasn't saying "I want us to date exclusive" it was "here how it is currently". We had discussed it in this thread, people have been very helpful and because I decided I wanted to see him exclusively, I brought it up.
    The point of this most recent conversation on exclusivity was to agree to stay exclusive. Is saying "Hey, can we date each other exclusively?" not conveying that? If someone just says "sure, I'm not dating anyone else anyway", should I say "OK, you don't sound enthusiastic enough, I am walking away, then"? If someone had asked me "can we date each other exclusively?" I would take this to mean "moving forward, this person wants us to see each other exclusively, no one else, so if I agree and then change my mind, I would have to let them know". Saying "he didn't lie" sounds like a stretch to me. The conversation reads to me that he agreed to stay exclusive and I guess I don't get how else it could be interpreted. Edit: And honestly, the fact that he kept emphasizing he was going out with a guy and lying about it makes me think he is aware he is being deceitful so I think he is aware the conversation we had meant we would continue to date each other only.

    Moving forward, in order to avoid this issue again, how else are people supposed to agree on dating exclusively? I guess this is the important question I should be asking here.

    Originally Posted by Batya33
    And you wouldn't have to write a novel about it.
    Yeah, sorry for the very long post. Thank you all for taking your time to read it!
    Last edited by elyssac; 08-31-2020 at 01:33 PM.

  9. #78
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,064
    Originally Posted by elyssac
    I want to be able to talk about this with him
    So that (1) I make sure there is no misunderstanding, (2) walk away if he decided there is nothing between us, (3) just attempt again to align us on the same page. But currently I feel so hurt. I feel as if I have been cheated on. What's worse is, I don't even know if I am validated in feeling that way. I know we never said we were in a serious relationship but we did agree to be exclusive and he did refer to me as his significant other before. I let him know I "like liked" him. I think it must be reasonable to expect that he just not see other women, period. It's also awful that whenever I try to think about how I am going to talk about this, I get tearful. In every version of the conversation in my head, I am tearful. I definitely cannot appear desperate and this vulnerable when I talk to him about this. I guess I need to practice it multiple times to appear strong. I wish this had happened like 2 months ago, before I decided I actually liked him quite a bit. I guess it has been 4-5months only, but started developing real feelings and it hurts more when that happens. I also feel like he thinks I am not good enough for him, something is missing for him so he is looking outside now. I look back and think "perhaps I should have done X/Y etc". Feeling that way, of course, does not help. Lastly, I thought this was a trustworthy, decent man. This just makes me lose trust in people in general and that feels perhaps even worse.

    Does anyone have any advice? I think I need some support right now.
    I don't think it's wrong of you to want to communicate with him but there's something you should understand - a lot of individuals are very poor communicators. I would be just as hurt as you are if I found out the same thing. He made it appear that you were a significant other to you and to his roommates, both of you involved each other in your daily/weekly lives and there was no room for dating anyone else. This points to mutual exclusivity in a relationship. For him to veer off and not be honest with you about seeing someone else is wrong. You are correct to feel blindsided and I understand how hurt you must be.

    The problem with him is that he's already transgressed and crossed the line. He's appeared casual and his demeanor changed towards you, he's not making any better efforts to spend time in an exclusive relationship or to give you the time of day when you are talking. You've also discovered some information on the dating website and he's still active on it talking with others. This is just one out of many, many men (and women) who have little integrity and no conscience.

    Count it as a huge blessing that he's skipped off into the sunset and is now someone else's problem. Remember that whatever he does to you, he's probably done to countless others and is likely to do to the next person. The common denominator here is lack of communication which is vital to any relationship. I think you dodged a bullet. Take all that hurt and turn it into something productive such as not communicating with him anymore and don't ask to meet with him during the week. This is as good as over.

  10. #79
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    14,359
    Once the "agreement" is made and you find out he is not keeping it or is hiding things from you, it's time to let him go. The thing to do is NOT to have yet another "talk" because you already know he's capable of deceit. So what good would yet another "talk" do? Do you WANT to continue to date someone who deceives you? If so, why?

  11. #80
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    30
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think it's wrong of you to want to communicate with him but there's something you should understand - a lot of individuals are very poor communicators. I would be just as hurt as you are if I found out the same thing. He made it appear that you were a significant other to you and to his roommates, both of you involved each other in your daily/weekly lives and there was no room for dating anyone else. This points to mutual exclusivity in a relationship. For him to veer off and not be honest with you about seeing someone else is wrong. You are correct to feel blindsided and I understand how hurt you must be.
    The problem with him is that he's already transgressed and crossed the line. He's appeared casual and his demeanor changed towards you, he's not making any better efforts to spend time in an exclusive relationship or to give you the time of day when you are talking. You've also discovered some information on the dating website and he's still active on it talking with others. This is just one out of many, many men (and women) who have little integrity and no conscience.
    Count it as a huge blessing that he's skipped off into the sunset and is now someone else's problem. Remember that whatever he does to you, he's probably done to countless others and is likely to do to the next person. The common denominator here is lack of communication which is vital to any relationship. I think you dodged a bullet. Take all that hurt and turn it into something productive such as not communicating with him anymore and don't ask to meet with him during the week. This is as good as over.
    Firstly, thanks a lot for showing sympathy! It means a lot when hurting.
    I agree with you that most people are not good communicators. Honestly, I know I am not, either. But knowing that, I have been trying to communicate a bit more, but I guess it only goes as far as the other party's willingness to keep the line of communication open. I also get that it's not an attractive and exciting thing to do in a relationship -- being playful etc seems more attractive so perhaps people avoid it easily. But it does feel important to sustain any mature relationship. I kept blaming myself yesterday for not being explicit about my expectations when communicating, but thinking about it with a more clear head, I don't think this was my fault and I think I was at least a little more expressive than him about what I wanted and felt. And even if I had never communicated my expectations, I guess if he wanted to date me exclusively, he would have even without me bringing it up.
    Anyway, maybe I will see it as a bullet dodged later on. Currently, I don't view it that way, probably because I had developed feelings for him, had a narrative in my head that went like " this guy is so nice and compatible in all these x,y,z ways" and still need to process being blindsided. I think I will still go for a walk with him and talk because if we are ending things now, I would want to end it face-to-face and whatever closure I get might help me move on more quickly.

Page 8 of 9 FirstFirst ... 56789 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •