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Everything posted by elyssac

  1. Absolutely not. I don't need a FWB situation. I find that if I want to sleep with someone, it's because there is some level of both physical and emotional attraction. And if I have some sort of emotional attraction, then I don't want to be just casual with them. It would hurt me to continue this.
  2. I think you are right that a "talk" will likely not fix things. I do think it might bring some sort of closure, though. As I got to know him more, I felt like there were many similarities between his background and mine, from the size of the family, dynamics of the family members, profession of the parents, places we have lived around the world, our future goals, our professional interests and curiosities etc. And I thought I liked his personality and enjoyed spending time with him. He felt more mature than other guys I have dated. But now that I'm living through this, I think he has a selfish personality. I'm sure I'll get over him but reflecting on it, I guess these are why I have been wanting this to work out, as well as just simple attraction. Also, I'm the type of person who likes stability and I actually dislike dating new people. But I guess it's a necessary thing to do to find and establish a good relationship. Edit: Looks like some video gets automatically embedded to my post as an ad. Not sure if everyone sees the same thing but I am not linking it.
  3. Firstly, thanks a lot for showing sympathy! It means a lot when hurting. I agree with you that most people are not good communicators. Honestly, I know I am not, either. But knowing that, I have been trying to communicate a bit more, but I guess it only goes as far as the other party's willingness to keep the line of communication open. I also get that it's not an attractive and exciting thing to do in a relationship -- being playful etc seems more attractive so perhaps people avoid it easily. But it does feel important to sustain any mature relationship. I kept blaming myself yesterday for not being explicit about my expectations when communicating, but thinking about it with a more clear head, I don't think this was my fault and I think I was at least a little more expressive than him about what I wanted and felt. And even if I had never communicated my expectations, I guess if he wanted to date me exclusively, he would have even without me bringing it up. Anyway, maybe I will see it as a bullet dodged later on. Currently, I don't view it that way, probably because I had developed feelings for him, had a narrative in my head that went like " this guy is so nice and compatible in all these x,y,z ways" and still need to process being blindsided. I think I will still go for a walk with him and talk because if we are ending things now, I would want to end it face-to-face and whatever closure I get might help me move on more quickly.
  4. Thanks everyone for the replies. I have not read the book but I have seen the movie. I get the idea, it's pretty simple. It says if someone makes you doubt about their interest, they are just not that interested. I mostly write here when we are having issues/doubts. But we have also gone through periods of *very high* interest. These made me feel like there was potential. He even took interest in my family and such. I figured maybe this is a fixable situation. I guess there is a balance between holding on and letting go in situations like this. I get that I need to let go now Thanks for saying this. I feel a bit deceived (more on that at the end) so it just feels good to have it verified that I shouldn't think this way. I am sure he wants to see other people now that he is probably already seeing other people. But I am not sure if dating around is his goal. He claims he wants to find a relationship because he wants to start a family not too far in the future. Not sure how to much to take that at its face value, but I don't see a reason not to. I guess I don't understand how else I am supposed to approach the exclusivity talk, then. Before this conversation, he had brought up a few times, out of nowhere, that he is not dating anyone else. During that time, we had both mentioned to each other that we would want to know if the other person started seeing someone else. But that conversation wasn't saying "I want us to date exclusive" it was "here how it is currently". We had discussed it in this thread, people have been very helpful and because I decided I wanted to see him exclusively, I brought it up. The point of this most recent conversation on exclusivity was to agree to stay exclusive. Is saying "Hey, can we date each other exclusively?" not conveying that? If someone just says "sure, I'm not dating anyone else anyway", should I say "OK, you don't sound enthusiastic enough, I am walking away, then"? If someone had asked me "can we date each other exclusively?" I would take this to mean "moving forward, this person wants us to see each other exclusively, no one else, so if I agree and then change my mind, I would have to let them know". Saying "he didn't lie" sounds like a stretch to me. The conversation reads to me that he agreed to stay exclusive and I guess I don't get how else it could be interpreted. Edit: And honestly, the fact that he kept emphasizing he was going out with a guy and lying about it makes me think he is aware he is being deceitful so I think he is aware the conversation we had meant we would continue to date each other only. Moving forward, in order to avoid this issue again, how else are people supposed to agree on dating exclusively? I guess this is the important question I should be asking here. Yeah, sorry for the very long post. Thank you all for taking your time to read it!
  5. Im writing another update here, because I feel like things have been a rollercoaster and I feel quite hurt and would really appreciate some support and perhaps words of wisdom. Really sorry for this wall of text. I'll try to make it as readable as possible. I guess I never gave an update at the time, but two weeks after I last wrote here, I lightheartedly brought up the topic of exclusivity and asked him if we could agree to exclusively date each other, to which he said "sure, I am not seeing anyone else right now anyway". I think it was true, I don't think he ended up dating the other woman he was talking to on the app, although not completely sure. For a while things were progressing again He started acting more seriously. I was pretty busy with work around that time, submitting a research paper with a deadline, so I had to work longer, which meant some of our dates were now starting later in the evening. He was upset about it. He said he wanted us to try to make time for each other because that's how you get to know people and there are always other commitments so it's easy to make excuses. I was actually happy that he was upset about this because it made me feel like he was getting more serious about me / about exploring a serious relationship between us. And I agreed with what he said. He was also upset at some point if I didn't respond quickly in our chats because he said "he doesn't always know if he has my attention when we were chatting". I said I would make sure to pay attention to him while chatting, and make more time etc. For a few weeks to come, we planned dates with quality time. He invited me to an in-person gathering with his friends despite already having a date the previous day and spending the previous night together. When he realized I got sleepy (this was a gathering in the evening), he said "elyssac got sleepy, we will head home" and we left together. He had explained to me that he needed to get up really early for something at work the next day. The original plan was for me to sleep over at his place that night and leave early in the morning but my house is really close to his already. It was already late at night, all we would do was sleep and probably not even have breakfast in the morning. So I said "perhaps it would make sense for me to go home instead". He thought there was an issue and asked me what was up and why I was changing my mind. I said there wasn't any issue but since all we will do is sleep perhaps this made more sense. He took this to mean I was suggesting I didn't want to have sex with him that night so he said "I don't invite you over just to have sex, you know that, right?" I said "yes" and then felt uncomfortable with the misunderstanding between us and said I would go in (we were already by his house). I ended up spending the night there. Later, when he was discussing with his roommates how strict they should be about visitors at their house, he referred to me as his "significant other" and said "we each have a significant other, so everyone gets one guest max, their significant other, and doesn't bring over any other guests". We also talked about how we should talk more often like we used to. He said it was one of the things he liked about me -- that we could converse about interesting topics and it's not good if we lose that. We also started talking about more serious topics, like marriage and kids. We didn't say we wanted to marry or have kids but just discussed our ideas of what we want from life and I was happy to see them align. When all these were happening, I started to like him more and started feeling like I wanted to be involved with this guy seriously. I don't know if I have made a mistake of assuming that we were each other's "exclusive significant other" from all of these because he is definitely now acting like we are just friends with benefits. We did agree to be exclusive, he did call me his significant other. Was I wrong to make that assumption? The change didn't happen all of a sudden, it started going down for a while again Firstly, we started chatting up much less frequently. Despite saying how he wanted us to talk more because that's what he liked about us in the first place, one week when he was busy with work, he brought up to me twice that we "seem to chat a lot, we should just do that when we meet in person". So I dialed back my texting, thinking he is pretty busy these days with work anyway. Soon, we just started having no communication between dates at all. In a conversation when I complimented some of his friends I've met, he jokingly acted jealous and I told him that while I knew he was joking, I like liked him and he didn't need to feel jealous. He didn't say he liked me back. At first it bothered me, but I thought "he is dating me, he obviously likes me". This happened once more, actually. I told him I liked him during pillow talk and he said "awww". A few weeks went like this and I felt like our relationship has been changing for the worse. I decided I needed to talk to him about what was not working and check whether we are on the same page again. Over dinner, I brought up the topic and asked "I feel like you don't seem as happy and I feel like we aren't connecting as much. Let's talk about what's not working". He said he was happy and things were fine. I said it felt like things started annoying him more easily (We were having some -in my opinion- very insignificant conflicts like me spilling some stuff while cooking in his kitchen, and him getting visibly angry and annoyed by it etc. These happened a few times as I am a bit more clumsy than him and he pays attention to keeping the kitchen clean while cooking more than I do). He insisted this were fine but started getting visibly annoyed by the conversation (as in, his facial expression and tone of his voice were changing). I asked whether he doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to discuss these and whether he doesn't feel we are close enough for that. He said sometimes when you are close enough with someone, stakes are higher when you talk about issues. I said I would encourage him to bring up issues and I personally feel more comfortable talking about them if Im close with someone. He got angry and said "stop trying to figure out how close we are with questions like this" but that wasn't what I was trying to do. I said "I just want you to be happy" and he said "I want you to be happy, too" in an angry voice and then apologized for his angry tone. So this ended up being a pretty useless conversation. I thought it didn't achieve its purpose, things went on like this for a while again, but didn't know how to bring up the conversation again without it leading to the same outcome. I regret that now. Fast forward four weeks later, I think he is seeing someone else. Last week, during our date, he kept checking his phone and the texting app he uses although he had no messages. It felt like he was waiting for a text from someone. He did that multiple times throughout the day and it's not something he does usually. In fact, he used to encourage us to put phones aside during our dates. We didn't talk the whole week and on Saturday, I texted him about something random we discussed in our previous date. Then we talked about how his birthday is coming up. I mentioned to him that I was originally planning a surprise but then thought it might be a bad idea since he mentioned he usually makes dinner plans with his friends and has been very busy with a deadline at work that's coming up. My idea basically involved dinner and cake with his roommates that evening. He said that sounded good and "we were all his friends" so this would still be dinner with friends, just the ones in this "pandemic pond". Later, when I causally mentioned weather in the conversation, he said "oh yeah, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come over this afternoon". I asked if he had time on Sunday and if we could meet then instead. He responded with "hahaha :D". I said "Im glad you find that amusing, but seriously, can we do Sunday?". He didn't respond for a while and then came back to say "Sorry, chatting with multiple people, hard to pay attention, let's talk on the phone instead". On the phone he said he already had some Sunday plans, he is supposed to go on a bike ride with his friend at 4:30pm so it might be difficult. He asked what time I would want to meet so he would plan accordingly. I was getting annoyed that (1) he asked to meet up almost last minute, (2) didn't bother to pay attention to my text properly when he previously got angry at me for "not giving my attention while we were texting", (3) I have already been having this growing suspicion that there might be someone else involved here, (4) felt like he has been treating me increasingly more casually. I am pretty sure I made my frustration show through my tone of voice and said "if you are busy then maybe we should meet during the week". Afterall, he was the one saying you can't get to know someone with dates starting at 7pm. He asked me if there was a problem and I said no. I think he thought I was jealous and said "my friend, he and I planned this ahead of time. He and I are going to bike to X place but I can plan to get back early" He started saying "he" multiple times, as if he were trying to reassure me that this was a guy friend and I shouldn't be jealous. I said if he makes back by 6:30, I'd love to meet up with him. Otherwise he should just let me know when he gets back and we will see. While this somewhat soothed me, I couldn't resist my urges. The dating app where we met has this thing where you can see people's stats on their activities on the app if you pay for a monthly subscription. It always felt like a waste of money to me to do that just to stalk people but I was tempted to do it. I checked his activity a few times throughout that Saturday, and his chat response time was different at all three times that I checked. Clearly, he was busy chatting with someone all of Saturday. Come Sunday, at 6pm, he texts me saying it would be a stretch to try to meet tonight so we should take a walk during the week perhaps. Later, around 8pm, I went out to take my evening walk. As I mentioned earlier, we live in the same town and our houses are fairly close to each other. I saw him biking back with someone indeed. But that friend definitely looked like a woman, and not a man. My suspicion is that she might be the woman he is chatting with on the app, but no way to know, of course. After that I texted him "Hey, hope you enjoyed your bike ride. Can we meet during the week and take a walk and talk? I'd like to walk with you and talk sometime soon. Let me know what day works for you". He texted back saying the bike ride was a lot of fun and he could do Tuesday or Wednesday at 6pm. He clearly didn't feel like he could mention to me he was seeing a female friend, probably because she is not a friend. If he felt he had to lie, he must think it is something he needs to hide. And despite the last time, he didn't even mention he was talking to a new woman or anything, I feel blindsided. I want to be able to talk about this with him So that (1) I make sure there is no misunderstanding, (2) walk away if he decided there is nothing between us, (3) just attempt again to align us on the same page. But currently I feel so hurt. I feel as if I have been cheated on. What's worse is, I don't even know if I am validated in feeling that way. I know we never said we were in a serious relationship but we did agree to be exclusive and he did refer to me as his significant other before. I let him know I "like liked" him. I think it must be reasonable to expect that he just not see other women, period. It's also awful that whenever I try to think about how I am going to talk about this, I get tearful. In every version of the conversation in my head, I am tearful. I definitely cannot appear desperate and this vulnerable when I talk to him about this. I guess I need to practice it multiple times to appear strong. I wish this had happened like 2 months ago, before I decided I actually liked him quite a bit. I guess it has been 4-5months only, but started developing real feelings and it hurts more when that happens. I also feel like he thinks I am not good enough for him, something is missing for him so he is looking outside now. I look back and think "perhaps I should have done X/Y etc". Feeling that way, of course, does not help. Lastly, I thought this was a trustworthy, decent man. This just makes me lose trust in people in general and that feels perhaps even worse. Does anyone have any advice? I think I need some support right now.
  6. This sounds very important. I think I need to practice it in my mind a little bit (both in terms of how to approach it in conversation and also how to see it as a statement of truth and checking in without expectations)
  7. I see a real potential here for a long term relationship. I think you got the right impression that I am interested in exploring this without exploring others. That's what I started to do since we slept together, at least. It looks to me that he is interested in exploring others now if he is starting to talk to them. I think I am a skeptical person by nature in general but some of that skepticism is being fueled by his sometimes committal, sometimes casual actions. But I get that instead of guessing, I should be communicating about it. I have been feeling uncomfortable with bringing it up but responses here encouraged me that it is indeed OK and a fine time to bring it up. So I will try to talk about it on our next date. I very much agree with this. I appreciate him being upfront about it, actually but what I find more odd is, if I understood it correctly, he recently started talking to this person and it wasn't someone he has been chatting with since before we started going out/slept together or anything. That's why I interpreted this as "OK, I don't see a potential with you but this is fun so I'm going to keep asking you out... until I find someone with a potential". I need to talk to him and clarify this. Pulling back might not be a bad idea either because I don't think I realized that I've started to get attached. I got upset to learn this, at least more so than I expected to be. I mean, it's fine and I'll move on if he wants to see others, but yeah, I thought I was being perfectly cautious and didn't realize I have been gradually getting attached/ developing stronger feelings for him over time. Yeah, I feel similarly with you: I don't think I'd like to continue to sleep with him if he is going to be seeing/talking to/ exploring a relationship with other people. It's awesome that you feel comfortable just stating it. I think I need to do that, too, great point on saving frustration and time. And yes, I think if he is willing to start talking to others after this many dates in, he is likely not that interested. I will try to clarify this and see if we are on the same page, and if not, just move on. Thanks everyone again for your comments and encouragement for communication!
  8. This seems like a good way to bring it up and see what he thinks
  9. Hmm this is also a great question. I think I would like to be in an exclusive relationship with him but I am not 100% sure yet and I guess I shouldn't expect him to be, either. I guess what I am most curious about is whether he is looking for the same thing and sees a potential here or if he has decided this doesn't have a potential and that's why he is moving on to talking to other people while still spending time with me until he decides to see a particular other person he sees potential with. Perhaps I should be asking him this more specifically. I am not that experienced in dating (only had two long term relationships before this and causally dated two people and ended with mutual understanding of "this is not a good fit" before this). Conversations like this feel pretty uncomfortable to me. But I think I need to learn to be comfortable. Just not too sure how to approach it (or whether that conversation is socially acceptable at this point).
  10. Good point. He didn't. He asked if I was seeing other people before but it wasn't a "okay, let's promise to date exclusively" type of talk. That was my assumption, I guess, which is why I want to initiate the conversation. Perhaps the fact that he hasn't initiated that conversation already means something.
  11. Yes, he told me in the same conversation. He did specify and say he is not seeing her and doesn't think it is a good idea to see multiple people now and started talking about pandemic stuff. But I am assuming he intends to at some point if he is putting time into talking with this person otherwise why would he.
  12. I'm giving another update here. Things were going very well lately (in fact, getting better in both emotional and physical sense, in my opinion), until yesterday. I thought he was serious about us since he (1) wanted to increase the frequency of our meetups, (2) while talking about how pandemic restrictions are pretty much all relaxed here, said he had no reason to extend his circle of people he interacts with, (3) suggested taking a trip together this summer, and (4) started to get involved in my social media accounts (I get that #4 doesn't mean much but I personally don't do this unless I am intending to start a relationship with someone but I guess people are different). Yesterday, he wanted to move one of our planned dates to another day. I was fine with it and agreed to the change but started wondering if that meant he is seeing other people so I told him "I would appreciate knowing if you are starting to see other people". He told me that he wasn't seeing anyone else at the moment, doesn't date multiple people at once in general since that means too much time commitment, but sure, he would tell me if he does. However, he started to talk to this other woman on an online dating app (where we met). I was chatting with others, too (no dates), until we slept together. I felt like steadily seeing each other (we have been assuming we spend every Friday night together) and escalating our relationship to a physical level, plus the things above he mentioned meant we were exploring the possibility of something real between us now and I personally feel weird either of us looking for others when we are doing this, which is why I had stopped talking to others. But now, I am starting to feel like this (him talking to others) means he is dating me until someone better comes along and has decided that I am just a casual partner. I want to bring this up so I can make an informed decision before my feelings get even more involved. Firstly, do you think I am reading the situation correctly? Secondly, how do you suggest I bring up this question without scaring him off? To be fair, neither of us asked the other to commit to staying exclusive, we just said we have not been seeing others, but we have been chatting for three months, dating for almost two months now. I feel like I want to have a sense of what he thinks/feels about us so far before I get more attached. Do you think it is a reasonable time? Thanks for all your advice so far!
  13. Yeah, I am happy about that. He later texted and we jokingly talked about it. He said he was attracted to me and would be happy to try different things until we are both satisfied and would be happy to receive instructions from me. I said I was, too. I think the fact that we are willing to work on it and can communicate easily makes things a bit promising. Otherwise it would probably be a lost cause. Thanks again for being a sounding board here and also giving your inputs and discussing my concerns with me :)
  14. Yeah, interesting, indeed. I think if it never "syncs" I would call it quits (and I am sure so would he). If we see some improvement over time, I would see a potential for compatibility in that area, too, and continue seeing him because I like him quite a bit otherwise and we "click" on pretty much all other aspects. But I think we are so different in bed that if there is no improvement, I don't see much potential in this relationship. I am not completely sure how to improve it, though. A lot of things in his foreplay don't quite match what I like to get turned on. Then I start to slowly get turned off and I think that contributes to the problem with sex. He likes things super gentle and I move around more so our movements are also out of sync. Since it's a major style mismatch, I am not sure if it will actually improve but perhaps it will. I personally like him enough to see if we would improve and looks like he feels similarly, too. I feel a little disappointed about it (I guess I had some sort of expectation in my mind?) but I am sure both of us would want a sexually satisfying relationship and figuring out a major incompatibility early on is important before getting more attached. This also started to change my mind about dating a little bit: perhaps not waiting too long to sleep together is actually a good thing and I should give men more credit for trying to escalate things. I don't think I appreciated that until this date. On the other hand, not feeling comfortable enough with the person to sleep together also increases the chances of a disappointing sexual experience. He actually seemed fairly relaxed and I was the more uncomfortable one, I think. Maybe getting more comfortable next time will help, too. He actually didn't seem embarrassed at all. To be fair I don't know how he feels but at least that's what it seemed like. I guess he picked up on my feelings because he asked whether I was frustrated and I said no. He then asked whether I was disappointed and I didn't really know how to answer because I was disappointed but I think talking negatively about this will just make things harder. I kind of feel like we need to be reassuring each other about our attraction while giving feedback on what we like if we want to improve things. I asked if HE was frustrated and he said no, he was fine (But he very clearly was not satisfied). He seems comfortable and confident enough with himself and me that I don't think he would quit out of embarrassment (plus, I think this is kind of embarrassing for both of us, not just him). I think if he calls it quits, it will just be due to incompatibility.
  15. Wanted to give an update here. We had our date this weekend and spent the night together and based on this last date, I think he does actually like me (although I am not sure if this will work out in the end). We had a pretty disappointing first (and second) sex, I think. I can confidently say it was unfortunately the most unsatisfactory sexual experience I had so far and while I am not sure if it's the same with him, I am pretty sure he was disappointed, too. I think he likes me because despite that, he asked to meet up for a walk in the park some time during the week and then see each other again next weekend so I don't think he is seeing me just for sex. At least, if I were hooking up with someone just for sex, I would have called this quits. I guess he could still change his mind, though but I think he must have felt some sort of connection, too. We both seem attracted to each other and get turned on by each other but it seems when we get down to business, we are pretty out of sync (I felt similarly the first few times we kissed, too). I am not so sure if this is a compatibility issue or just requires some time and effort to "get in sync", I guess we will see that. He says he usually has trouble orgasming when he sleeps with a new partner for the first time and we can play around/try stuff and figure each other out (I don't think either of us came close to orgasming, unfortunately). On the plus side, we had very open communication during the act (asking for feedback, trying to describe to each other what we like and dislike) and I am glad to see he would like us to try and improve together instead of just saying "yeah, no, this was no good, let's call it quits". However, I felt pretty much nothing during sex (both times although second time I was more relaxed and enjoyed it better overall) and we have so different styles that I am not sure if exploring will actually help that much. But yeah, I no longer have concerns over feeling used and I guess we will see how this will go. We did end up cuddling all night and had a pleasant breakfast so at least that was very nice. Thanks again everyone for chiming in!
  16. I am personally fine with other women choosing to hook up with people early on or do one night stands and such since everyone is looking for different things and have different values and needs. However, what I realize now is, because of that, it is actually important for me to know ahead of time what the other person is looking for (as SophiaG and bluecastle pointed out). I keep finding that question too awkward to ask but I think it is important for me to (somehow) get comfortable with asking it in the future so I don't have to question next time and stop wasting time if the other person is looking for something different.
  17. Thank you Jibralta and Celine2! I just read through your thread and wow, Celine2, what that man is doing sounds terrible! I am sorry this happened to you and looks like he acts like what he is doing is fine, which is astonishing. My respect to you for showing your integrity. I don't think the man I am seeing has a girlfriend (I've met his roommate and a few of his friends through some online games he invited me to, and while I am not sure how exactly he introduced me, I know his roommate knows that we are dating and they all have been pretty nice to me. It's of course not an evidence against it but I find it unlikely). However, I do share your concern about things progressing quickly (in terms of talks of physical intimacy after our kiss) and "love bombing" (as you have referred to it in your thread) and his flirting starting to feel a little bit disingenuous/odd to me. So perhaps that is indeed a common red flag and I am trying to proceed with caution (e.g. trying not to attached too soon). Yesterday we were chatting and out of nowhere he said "I'd like to kiss you" (topic was something work related, so not flirty at all) and I pointed out that he could when we meet this weekend (he asked me out again and offered to cook dinner this weekend) and he said "who knows if I'll kiss you again, weekend is so far away, so much could happen in between", which sounded silly and meaningless to me. I don't really know what he expects to happen in between or if this was an odd attempt at flirtation or to get me to meet up sooner (he didn't ask that, though). I still feel like he might be just looking for a hookup followed by breaking it off because most conversations he starts now are flirty and have some intimate connotation --apart from some "good morning" texts-- and this sharp change makes me question his genuineness. He did mention sleeping with women he did not intend to pursue before and asked if I had done the same, as well. He claims our attraction isn't just physical but I am not sure if he really means it plus he can still change his mind or his feelings could change in the future. But I think Wiseman is right, I can only speculate now and only time will show his true intentions. Perhaps he does indeed like me and wants to pursue a romantic relationship and since I like him otherwise, I plan on continuing to date him for now and I guess I will see how this weekend goes. I try to remind myself I still don't know him well and I think that keeps me a bit grounded without getting too excited about/attached to him.
  18. I think you are right here. I think I have been clearly presenting myself and he knows that I am interested in him but not interested in hookups. I think this is also right Trying to synthesize it all now, I think he is interested in exploring the possibility of a relationship (seems to enjoy our conversations even when it isn't sexualized) but I'd say sex is indeed a priority for him based on his recent behavior and I am alright with that. I think I am still trying to gauge if this is a good fit or not and I guess that's why we are dating. I'll admit that I am probably overthinking way more than he is Thank you all again :)
  19. Yep, this was exactly my thoughts/concerns. I think my choice of word for "grooming" was wrong and although I tried to clarify that earlier, it's possible that's why jimthzz feels like I act like a victim of a sexual predator.
  20. I think you are right that if he just wanted a one night stand, he could probably find other options that are easier/quicker to get to (i.e. other people who are also interested in hookups). I think he comes across as a really nice and responsible person but he did mention that he has slept with women that he saw no potential with before. But I don't know if these women knew he wasn't intending on pursuing them any further afterwards when they agreed to sleep together. So to answer your question: I am not really sure. This was such a supportive and heartwarming response, thank you very much! :)
  21. Yeah, I do have some odd gut feeling but I mostly can't tell whether that's his main focus or is just trying to advance the relationship, I guess... Thanks for responding! :) Haha, yes, I think I am indeed an overthinker I don't require a long term commitment before having sex, in fact I don't think I would want to commit to someone before having sex to see compatibility first but I guess I require that we look for the same thing (a relationship if all goes well, not interested in hookups) before I have sex. I think this all comes down to us not having talked about what we each look for in dating and me now feeling too awkward to ask that question. But looks like people think it is still OK to ask so perhaps I should just do that. Thank you! :)
  22. Thanks for responding, everyone! Looks like most people think there are no obvious red flags, which is comforting to hear.
  23. I agree with these, too, thanks for putting these into words so well! :)
  24. What does this have anything to do with the original post?
  25. I think you are right that I might be giving off those vibes and that wouldn't be fine. Thinking about "letting things unfold" like you said would be a good idea. We do enjoy each other's company quite a bit I think. Yeah, you are right, and so do I. I am interested in sleeping with him but I am not interested in a hookup. I guess I couldn't express myself clearly. I am not against having sex with him, in fact, I find him quite attractive. But I am interested in sleeping with him to figure out our sexual compatibility as part of a potential relationship, not to satisfy short term urges and I'd rather spend my time on someone who wants similar things. I guess that's what I am questioning.
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